Monday, May 16, 2011

DoryDoryDoryDory

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I have a serious memory issue. I remember basically nothing from my life. It sounds dramatic, but it's pretty much true. Childhood and middle school are completely missing, except from random flashes of events - a picture of me and my kindergarten boyfriend at my ballerina birthday party; me reading in my doorway after bedtime and getting in trouble; me sitting at the table for hours because I didn't want to eat my breakfast but was being forced to. There's more than that, but you get the idea. Middle school is completely missing except for a few key events, like switching schools, losing my friends, etc. High school is more vivid, but not by much. The events blur together, and I couldn't tell you how old I was or anything like that. College is better than all of that, but only because I just did it. And I still don't remember a lot.

I measure my life by what kind of crisis I'm having at the time. I know that my friend Jackie caught me cutting at school when I was a sophomore in high school because that's when my cutting really took off. I remember Halloween when I was 16 because I learned to purge that night. I remember last semester (fall) because of my crazy cutting, suicidal behavior, etc. I call myself a goldfish, because I was under the impression that they had a short memory span... but I just googled it and they have a memory span of at least three months. Crap. So let's go with Dory (you know, from Finding Nemo). Some people call me that too. It's kind of a running joke with my friend group that I won't remember tomorrow what we are talking about today. But really, it's probably true. I forget EVERYTHING. Really important things. How my friends and I met. Information that I just learned. Conversations that I had five minutes ago. It's really, really frustrating and embarrassing.

On that same note, I just had a very odd, unexpected flashback. I was looking at this slideshow that my parents have playing on their screensaver and I saw a picture of me in this cute pinafore dress thing. It looked a lot like this one:
I loved this pinafore. I used to pretend that I was Laura from Little House on the Prairie and I would play in my treehouse for hours. But at some point, it stopped fitting. I was really upset, because I really loved it. And my assumption was this: it doesn't fit anymore because I got fat. Not, it doesn't fit anymore because I am still a growing girl who should be getting bigger. No, I got fat. I couldn't have been more than 9 years old when this happened. My eating disorder didn't take off until I was 13, but I can see warning signs all throughout my childhood, and this is a new one that I just remembered. Weird, right?

In other news, I am home! Yay! I miss college and my friends already, but I'm glad to be done with all my stupid papers. I already know that I got an A in my religious studies class and I aced that paper (!). I'm waiting on my other grades, and it might be a week or so until I know. I really, really, really, really miss my friend Isabel. You know, the one that I have been hooking up with and have feelings for. It was crushing when we had to say goodbye. Horrible. She wrote me this wonderful letter, and I cry every time I read it. She misses me a lot too. We've been texting a TON. But I hope that in time, it won't hurt as much.

Ok, enough. I have to go to Costco and buy snacks and such, since my parents don't keep any food in the house (why???). Love you all!

1 comment:

  1. I'd offer to make you a now-sized replica of that dress, but that would involve awkward measurement questions :/

    (And I'm a lazy sewer)

    YAY you're home! Away from the Drama Llamas! Oooh the alpacalypse is coming tomorrow. You ready?

    Sadface at being away from Isabel. Hopefully this is a case where being apart brings you closer together :)

    OKOKOKGEEZE Imma email you now, ok? Look out for a peridot in your inbox :)

    Thank you so much for that comment, it was super awesome. I've been far too nice to myself and really need to get cracking on the study.

    LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! xoxoxoxo

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