Bleeeeeh

Finding a therapist is freaking hard. I emailed one that I found on Psychology Today last week, and she said that she's not taking new clients. I called one a few days ago, and she called back today and said that she can't deal with all my issues. Specifically, she won't take me because of my hospitalization. WTF? She referred me to another program, which has a three month waiting list. Now I'm back to square one. I'm so tired of this.

I'm supposed to be doing research for my senior thesis, and all I want to do is sleep. Sleeeeeeeeep. Today I got up at noon, and only because I needed to go to the grocery store before it got too crowded. I went to the gym too, and swam. I'm super wiped out now though. Tomorrow my only obligation is physical therapy at 2:30 pm. I anticipate that I will wake up at 1:30 pm. Who knows, I might get up earlier. But the motivation to drag myself out of bed is gone. In fact, the motivation to do anything is gone. I don't want to read, watch TV, blog, do Bible study, leave the house, go down the stairs in the house, anything.

Sorry this is so negative. I guess that's why they call me bipolar, right? Up one week, down the next. Bleeeeeh.

Birthday!

I had my 21st birthday yesterday! It was a wonderful night out. My best friend and I went to this gay bar and got a few drinks and danced. I was a bit drunk, but I have been twice that drunk, so it was nothing too extreme. I got this delicious chocolate martini that was amazing.

I also had an Orange Crush (orange infused liquor, vodka, and soda water) and a Whiskey Punch (whiskey, passion fruit juice, and lemon juice). The Whiskey Punch was my favorite, surprisingly! My friend also got this great basil and lemon drink. I would post pictures of me and my friend, but I'm not very comfortable posting pictures of my face here. But you get the idea!

Otherwise, the past few days have been good. I have basically worked out every day since I got my gym membership, but I'm taking a break today because I'm really sore. I explored the weight machines yesterday and today I am definitely feeling it. I think I need to either alternate days that I do weights, or alternate arms one day and legs the next. I will figure it out. Suggestions? I need to be really careful with this working out thing. The good thing is, I tend to injure myself if I push too hard, so that is keeping me from doing cardio for hours and hours. Yay! My body pretty much hates me and will use any excuse possible to get a new injury. Fun stuff!

Well, I'm off to read a book. Yay for relaxing! Have a wonderful night <3

Pictures of my tattoo

So I had a request for pictures of my tattoo. Although I got it in December 2008, I have never actually taken a picture of it. This is partially because I didn't tell my parents about it until a year later. But anyway, I took pictures of it today (with the help of my mother). It's on my left shoulder blade. I put it there because it is right behind my heart <3
Here they are!

Pretty pretty! This is the symbol for eating disorder recovery, also the symbol for the National Eating Disorders Association. The red represents anorexia and the purple represents bulimia. For any of you who have watch the Thin documentary, this is the tattoo that the girls got. This tattoo reminds me every day that I don't want to go back to my ED. I hated life when I was in my disorder. I wanted to die all the time. So no more of that!

Other than these lovely pictures, I've been pretty un-busy. Yesterday I had physical therapy (for my Achilles tendonitis, which I have had since I was 16, due to dance). I went to the gym and swam, which was HARD. I swam for about 45 minutes and did 1500 yards. I used to do 6000 yards in a practices, so that's pretty lame. But I do recognize that I haven't swam in a year and I'm severely out of shape. So I think I did a great job! I am incredibly sore today though. Swimming is a great arm workout. And it's great for lung capacity.

Today I am going to see the new Pirates movie with my best friend, and then we are going out tonight for my birthday! We are planning to go to a club/bar and get a few drinks, and then go back to her house and have a sleepover. Fun stuff! I can't wait!

Well, that's all for now. See ya!

Busy busy busy.... haha, not really.

Wazzup? It is yet again midnight, and I am still not asleep, despite the fact that I have a 9 am appointment for physical therapy. Why do I do this to myself?

So my sister sent me this text today: "YOU DIDN'T BLOG TODAY YET! I'm literally crying because I don't know what's going on in your life!!!!!" I love my sister <3  My response was, "I didn't know I was required to blog every day. I don't know if my life is that interesting..." But she assured me that, yes, I will find SOMETHING to talk about. So here it is. Just for you, lil' sis.

Today I had a fairly busy day, considering that I have been sitting around recently. I was supposed to wake up and go to this knitting thing, but it was optional (duh) and I just couldn't drag myself out of bed. So I slept in a bit longer and woke up at 10 am. I had lunch with my best friend at noon, which was fun. We talked about our planned weekend.

Which reminds me - my 21st birthday is this Sunday! For those of you non-Americans, you can (finally) drink legally at age 21 in the US. My best friend and I are planning to go out on Saturday night so that I can order my first drink at 12:01 AM on my birthday. Should be fun! Then we are going to have her parents pick us up, so that we don't have to drive after drinking, and have a sleepover.

Anyhoo, after lunch, I had an appointment with my psychiatric meds prescriber. She upped my Lamictal to 300 mg (from 200 mg) after I told her that I had been depressed for half of the semester. I guess that I'm so used to being depressed, that it didn't seem out of the ordinary for me. I will pick up that prescription tomorrow. Then I came home and went to the gym.

It's been pretty good having a gym membership so far! Yesterday I went for the first time. I just biked a little and used the stretching area. Today I biked and did the elliptical (mostly because they have ellipticals with TVs attached to them!!), and I did some arm weights. I did a lot of exploring of the facility today, and got a feel for what I like to do. I am trying to focus more on how I feel and less on how many calories I'm burning. Lucky for me, I no longer remember how many calories biking burns. Thank goodness for my Dory brain! I am sore today from yesterday's workout, and I will definitely be sore tomorrow... Since my workout, I have been vegging out in front of the TV. Lame, I know.

My toe is doing well. It doesn't look as gross as it did the first day, which is good, and it's not bleeding anymore. It doesn't really hurt either, unless I touch the spot where there is no toenail anymore. The soaking and re-bandaging twice a day is getting old though... and I have to keep doing it for two weeks! Grr. I hope it heals nicely, so I have something to show for all this.

Ok, I really, really need to sleep. I need to stop staying up late and actually get to bed at a decent hour. Good night :)

Random stuff

I have this irrational fear that I have magically gained 15 pounds in the last week. Which is not humanly possible (or at least, not for me), but I still believe it. And I figured, I should check, right? If I find that I've gained, then I can cut back on the chocolate. And if I'm the same, then it's all good. So I checked. I'm the same. Which is a relief, but I still shouldn't have checked. And it doesn't change the way that I see my body. So that's not good. I need to get some self-esteem, pronto. 

Other than that, things have been pretty good. I read a book on female-on-female sexual violence yesterday. It is the only book that I've found that actually addresses the topic. It's like people don't believe that a woman can sexually assault or batter another woman. Like, come on. Reality check: it happens. It was actually a really good book. Some parts I didn't care about, like the sections on demographics and stuff. But there were stories from survivors that made me feel like I'm not alone. And that was good :)

In other news, I went to the foot doctor on Monday, thinking I had a fungus growing under my toenail (nice, right?). And then after waiting 45 minutes for him, he informs me that, no, it's not a fungus. It's an extremely ingrown toenail and HE HAS TO DO SURGERY ON IT. NOW. FUZZZZZZZ. That's my new swear word. So I am now missing a sliver of my toenail. Permanently missing it, because he said if it grows back, then it will get ingrown again. So he killed the nail bed at that place. WEIRD. It actually doesn't hurt unless I touch it though. I have to soak it and re-bandage it twice per day. I go back in 2 weeks to get him to look at it again. 

I am also trying out contacts again. I wear glasses every day, because I can't see the board in class and stuff like that. But I don't wear them when I go out on the weekends, and I just can't see as well. Which is kind of annoying. My vision isn't that bad, but it's bad enough that I wouldn't recognize you from across the quad until you got a lot closer to me. So this is day two of contacts. I hated them last time, because they dried out my eyes. So far, they are still drying out my eyes a bit. So we'll see...

Also, I activated a free 3 month membership to 24 Hour Fitness today! I guess there was some sort of lawsuit against 24 Hour Fitness last year, and everyone who had a membership during a specific 7 year period got either $20 or a free 3 month membership. So I am officially a member. I mostly want to take the classes. They have spin classes, pilates, and other fun stuff. But I know I need to be careful. 

Ok, that's about it. Update more in a few days! 

Memory, all alone in the moonlight...

I was searching everywhere today for this notebook that my sister gave me a while ago, and on the way, I took a trip down memory lane. Among other things, I read the three journals that I kept while I was deep in my eating disorder in high school. Basically they are from 2005, 2006, and 2007. A bit of 2008 too. While most of it was horribly depressing, it also reminds me how far I've come. I don't think about that much.

One of the journals is from when I first went into recovery in early 2007. I wasn't super committed to recovery then. I wanted so badly to stop the bingeing, purging, fasting, laxatives cycle, but I didn't want to be healthy either. I still really, really wanted to lose weight. Half my journal entries were about how I wanted to eat healthier but was terrified to get fat. And about every other journal entry was a new food plan. I was OBSESSED with food plans. I never make food plans now, because they don't work for me. But then, I made them all the time. The entries usually went like this:

• Week 1- I'm doing so great! I'm not using my ED behaviors and I feel like my body is ok today.
• Week 2- I think I need to be healthier. Here is this food plan that cuts out the unhealthy things (chocolate, soda, fat, carbs, everything nutritious, etc.) that I feel are holding me back from recovery. 
• Week 3- I'm relapsing! Oh no! I'd better talk to my therapist or something. 
• Weeks 4 through 6- Repeat first three weeks. 

It was actually kind of sad to read about, because I never saw the pattern when it was happening. That's always how it is, isn't it?

But these journals remind me how much healthier I am now than I was then. And how much healthier I am than I was in August, or December. I don't think I'm horribly fat all the time. I actually appreciate my curves. I am not making food plans every other week. I think I'm beautiful and sexy. I don't go on crazy binges, and I don't fast for days at a time. I don't feel guilty when I eat chocolate.

I also don't want to die. One of the most striking things from one of the journals was my suicide plan. I think it was October of 2006. I made a pros and cons list of killing myself (isn't that just like me? I always make pros and cons lists about EVERYTHING). But this reminds me that I don't want to go back to that. I am always incredibly unhappy when I'm in my disorder. Every time I have relapsed, I have wanted to die. Not right away, because I lose weight at first. But once it starts getting out of control and I start hating myself more, then I want to kill myself. When my ED and my cutting peaked in 2006, I hated myself intensely. I was never happy for more than a few minutes. My self worth was completely dependent on my food intake and how much weight I was losing. I am so glad that I am less like that now. I am so glad that I can look back and see my mistakes, and hopefully not repeat them.

Anyway, that's enough of that. Home is good. I have twenty million doctor appointments this week. Eye doctor, podiatrist (foot doctor), physical therapy. Other than that, I will just be chilling and trying to make friends. Have a good Monday everyone!

First week home

My little sister texted me this evening and said, "Now that you have time to yourself, you should blog more. Pleaseee :)" Which I thought was hilarious, but she's right. I do have a lot more time on my hands, so why not use it to blog? Blogging actually takes more time than you might think. I need at least 30 minutes to write, edit, find a picture, and post the blog. Perhaps some of that time is spent reading other people's blogs too... but you get the idea. So, here goes!

Being home is weird. I like that I have basically nothing to do, but I also really miss a lot of things about school. The main thing I miss is having people to talk to. I really, really miss being able to call up a friend and go to their room to hang out for a bit, or having dinner with a friend in the dining hall. I miss talking. I miss PEOPLE! I've been so deprived that I've taken to having conversations with myself and my cats. Hmm...

I also miss having friends that can come over during a crisis. I have been having bad nights the past week, and I can never get in touch with anyone. I have been having flashbacks and anxiety about my rape (from December). I been texting about 6 friends, but never get a text back because it's 2 am in their time zone. I don't want to call them, mostly because a) I hate disturbing people, and b) my parents might wonder why I'm on the phone. Last night I finally got up the nerve to go on this online hotline thing for rape survivors, which was helpful. I wanted a real friend though.

One thing that I do like about being home is my access to churches and related activities. I tried out a new church this Sunday and liked it pretty well. I'm going to go again this Sunday, and I joined a small group called Core Truths to Build Your Life On, which sounds good and starts on June 8th. I also went to this AMAZING worship night/bible study thing at a different church tonight. It's something that a friend took me to a few times when I was a freshman in college. It's for college-age people and it was super fun. And I made a friend! Perhaps I won't be so alone after all.

In other news, I have been having a little eating disorder trouble this week too. It's difficult being at home, because I get a lot of criticism from my mother about my weight. And even when she doesn't say anything about it, I know what she's thinking. The first few days I was home, I weighed myself every day. Bad move, I know. And of course, my weight went down and I started to get a little obsessed. It's addicting to see that number get lower and lower each day! At that point, my weight was 5 pounds less than it had been a few weeks earlier. And all I could think about was how I could keep in there or lose more. And then I realized what was going on... and stopped. I have the urge to step on the scale every time I go in the bathroom, but I haven't weighed myself in at least 3 days. I can't remember exactly how many days. I also waffle between liking my body and thinking I'm gross, often during the same 5 minutes. And since I've been iffy on liking my body, my eating has been a little messed up and I tend to eat more than I need, just because I am afraid that I won't be able to get more food later. So it's been a little tougher this week than previous weeks, but I think I'm doing alright with it.

Ok, that's enough rambling. I'm sure I've put you to sleep by now. I'll update more later :)

DoryDoryDoryDory

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I have a serious memory issue. I remember basically nothing from my life. It sounds dramatic, but it's pretty much true. Childhood and middle school are completely missing, except from random flashes of events - a picture of me and my kindergarten boyfriend at my ballerina birthday party; me reading in my doorway after bedtime and getting in trouble; me sitting at the table for hours because I didn't want to eat my breakfast but was being forced to. There's more than that, but you get the idea. Middle school is completely missing except for a few key events, like switching schools, losing my friends, etc. High school is more vivid, but not by much. The events blur together, and I couldn't tell you how old I was or anything like that. College is better than all of that, but only because I just did it. And I still don't remember a lot.

I measure my life by what kind of crisis I'm having at the time. I know that my friend Jackie caught me cutting at school when I was a sophomore in high school because that's when my cutting really took off. I remember Halloween when I was 16 because I learned to purge that night. I remember last semester (fall) because of my crazy cutting, suicidal behavior, etc. I call myself a goldfish, because I was under the impression that they had a short memory span... but I just googled it and they have a memory span of at least three months. Crap. So let's go with Dory (you know, from Finding Nemo). Some people call me that too. It's kind of a running joke with my friend group that I won't remember tomorrow what we are talking about today. But really, it's probably true. I forget EVERYTHING. Really important things. How my friends and I met. Information that I just learned. Conversations that I had five minutes ago. It's really, really frustrating and embarrassing.

On that same note, I just had a very odd, unexpected flashback. I was looking at this slideshow that my parents have playing on their screensaver and I saw a picture of me in this cute pinafore dress thing. It looked a lot like this one:

I loved this pinafore. I used to pretend that I was Laura from Little House on the Prairie and I would play in my treehouse for hours. But at some point, it stopped fitting. I was really upset, because I really loved it. And my assumption was this: it doesn't fit anymore because I got fat. Not, it doesn't fit anymore because I am still a growing girl who should be getting bigger. No, I got fat. I couldn't have been more than 9 years old when this happened. My eating disorder didn't take off until I was 13, but I can see warning signs all throughout my childhood, and this is a new one that I just remembered. Weird, right?

In other news, I am home! Yay! I miss college and my friends already, but I'm glad to be done with all my stupid papers. I already know that I got an A in my religious studies class and I aced that paper (!). I'm waiting on my other grades, and it might be a week or so until I know. I really, really, really, really miss my friend Isabel. You know, the one that I have been hooking up with and have feelings for. It was crushing when we had to say goodbye. Horrible. She wrote me this wonderful letter, and I cry every time I read it. She misses me a lot too. We've been texting a TON. But I hope that in time, it won't hurt as much.

Ok, enough. I have to go to Costco and buy snacks and such, since my parents don't keep any food in the house (why???). Love you all!

Love fest

Last night was the last Christian Fellowship meeting and we did affirmations for everyone. Basically, this means that we went around and said nice things about everyone (i.e. how they have helped you, what you think of them, how they've grown this semester, how God is working through them). I was petrified because I don't want to hear what people think of me. But it was so good! There were three people's comments that stuck with me.

1) This one girl who I don't know at all said that she always wished that she could be my friend! She thinks that I look like I'm having fun all the time and that she wishes she knew me better. It was the sweetest thing ever.
2) One other girl who I know slightly better said how she thinks that it's great that I am so open about sharing personal things and that she is impressed that I'm so willing to ask for help if I need it. I thought I was crap at asking for help, but it's wonderful to hear from someone that I'm doing well. That made me feel amazing.
3) Another girl who I don't know well said that she knows that I always try to be perfect, but that it's great that I can admit that I'm not, and she feels better about the fact that she's not perfect because I can admit that I'm not. And she said that I give great advice :)

It's funny, I never noticed until just now that all of those were from people I don't know well. I think the fact that they don't know me, but think I'm great, means a lot to me. Of course, my close friends also said wonderful things too, but those three were the ones that I will remember for a long time. Others said that I'm friendly, bubbly, a good friend, and that I've helped them a lot. It was basically a love fest and it was beautiful. Unfortunately, I had a migraine, so that took away from it a bit. But it's ok!

I'm so glad that I have friends and acquaintances that love me. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. And yesterday was a really tough day anyway, so it was great to hear those things. It was perfect timing.

Ok, I have to do work. I have to write an 8 page paper today. All of it. That will probably take me 8 hours. And that's if I'm working from an outline, which I'm not. So I have to make an outline and then write the paper. Fml. This could be a late night...

Foodfoodfoodfoodfood

So I've kind of realized that this blog is about eating disorder stuff, but I haven't been writing about eating disorder stuff really at all recently. And that's not because I'm recovered, it's just not at the forefront of my life right now. So let's see...

I'm actually doing pretty well with food stuff right now. I feel fat sometimes. Mostly it's when I'm about to shower and I see myself naked in the mirror. It's also when I see pictures of myself; that really freaks me out and I make friends delete pictures (on their cameras, not when they have been posted) of me when I think I look fat in them. But mostly I'm trying to focus on my good parts, like the fact that I have great curves and am super sexy. And apparently I'm beautiful, so I'm trying to tell myself that too. I've also been praying a lot for God to show me how He sees me, and to help me see myself that way too.

In terms of eating, I'm being pretty "normal," whatever that is. Since Lent ended, I've been able to eat sweets again (fuck yes!), which is probably the most exciting thing ever. But I'm not going too overboard. I think not eating chocolate for so long has made it impossible for me to consume as much as I used to, so that's a good thing. I generally eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Sometimes I overeat if it's really good, and sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry. I've noticed that I have a big thing about meal times. If I don't get to eat at the time that I thought I would, I freak out a little. If I wanted to go to dinner at 5 and I don't, it is a big deal for me. And if I want to nap and get food later, I won't because dinner is at 5. No exceptions. I'm also really possessive about my food - don't take it, it's mine, bitch!

All that said, I'm trying to embrace the foods I like and not make myself eat the foods I don't like. I freaking love macaroni and cheese. I also really freaking love corn. And chocolate. And granola and yogurt. I freaking hate waffles. I also really freaking hate scones. And meat (but I'm a vegetarian so this is not surprising). I think I present a pretty healthy relationship with food to others. I eat without thinking too much about calories and about how it will look to other people. So that's good!

But basically, it's as good as it's ever been, I think. I don't particularly care what people think about me, which is good for me. I usually care a TON. Well, I don't care what people think of my body. I care what they think about other things, but that's for a different blog.

Ok, enough. I'm still writing those papers. This is a great procrastination tool too! Delicious...