Those who mind don't matter

I've actually been doing pretty well this week! I had a good weekend (some nice hooking up), and I think I've gained a friend-with-benefits! I've talked about her before - Isabel. We've made out before, and this weekend we made out a lot and some other stuff ;) However, there are some limits to our relationship, because she had a boyfriend. They decide together how far they want her to go with me. But I'm totally fine with it, because she's super hot, and I get to make out with her!

Besides my sex life, I'm doing alright. I haven't cut since last Monday. My food stuff is going alright. I feel really fat, but I know that it's all in my head. I'm back to the weight I was at before I relapsed last semester, and that freaks me out. I've been weighing myself (I know, bad) because I have a scale in my room now. It's not mine - I borrowed it from a friend before fall break so that I could weigh my suitcase. I keep forgetting to give it back, but I really should do that soon. I need to stop weighing myself. About half the time, I can stop myself, but the other half of the time I can't.

Feeling fat all the time is really throwing me off. I feel like I can't wear a lot of my clothes, and that sucks. I like my  clothes, but I feel too fat to wear them. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. The only time I feel really attractive is when I'm dressed up to go out on the weekends. I felt really pretty this weekend when I went out, and really sexy ;) It's nice to feel wanted.

I'm a little bit worried that I'm using sex to make myself feel validated and attractive, but I don't think that's true. Maybe a little bit. But isn't it nice to have people want you? It's definitely a self-esteem booster to know that I can get anyone I want. All I have to do is show off my body and flirt, and BOOM, I have a hook-up. I guess having huge boobs is finally paying off!

Well, my homework needs to be done :( I have an exam in psychology tomorrow and a writing paper due Friday. I'm also hosting a prospective student this evening, so I can't do much homework after 7 pm.

I hope you are all doing well! I <3 you.
Remember: be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
~ Dr. Seuss

Grateful

I realized today that I'm grateful for many things, and I should remind myself of those things more often. I am grateful for:

1. The beautiful weather we had today.
2. The fact that I could enjoy the weather today.
3. My friends and family.
4. My support system and the fact that I can call any of them, anytime, and they will help me.
5. My sister and her wonderfulness!
6. Chocolate.
7. My curiosity and willingness to learn.
8. Laughter and its healing powers.
9. My openness with others and how that can create connections that I never thought possible.
10. Being alive!

There are so many things to be grateful for, and even though I sometimes forget this fact, I think it's really important. I need to think about the things I'm grateful for each day, and remind myself that I do have things to live for. I have friend and family who love me, and a bright future that I don't want to miss. I am grateful for life.

On a slightly different note, I am quitting my self-injury. I have been a cutter on and off for almost eight years, and it's time to stop. I have three support people that I can call if I want to cut, and a bunch of things I can do instead of cutting. I also have this amazing website (http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/kharre.html) that I can visit if I need extra help, and hotlines that I can call. I CAN DO THIS. I may mess up, but that's alright. I realize that cutting is a coping mechanism for me, and that doesn't make it bad. However, it's not healthy and I need to find better coping mechanisms. So if I slip up and cut, it's alright. But I'd rather not :) I'll keep you all updated!

I love you guys, you know that. Stay strong lovelies!

Finally back at school!

I got back to school this evening. It's so good to be back! I liked being home, but I love being at school even more. This morning, right before we got in the car to go to the airport, my parents and I had a huge argument over religion. We were having an intellectual conversation over breakfast about religion and tolerance, which they proceeded to take personally and we ended up yelling at each other and almost not going to the airport! I guess I learned my lesson: my parents can't have an objective, intellectual conversation. Ugg. This is why I like college.

Overall, the trip was pretty good. I got a lot of homework done and spent a lot of time with family. I also did quite a bit of shopping and got four dresses, one skirt and two pairs of shoes! Wow! Here is a picture of one of the pairs of shoes:

They are amazing! However, I have a hard time walking in them because of the five-inch heel... but I will get used to it :)

I can't wait to get back to classes, as strange as that sounds. I just want this semester to be over so I can go to Australia! That's where I'm studying abroad next semester, fyi, in case I didn't tell you all.

Well, it's past my bedtime. I hope your Sundays go very well! I love you all <3

Doing much better

Sorry to scare everyone! I was pretty scared myself. I guess I need to be A LOT more careful. It's healing nicely, and I'm going to be just fine. Don't worry, I won't be doing that again any time soon.

I'm at home now, which is pretty nice (home is Oregon, school is Wisconsin). My dad has cooked delicious food for me every day! So far I've had grits, pad Thai, grape muffins, and tortellini with alfredo sauce. Tonight we are having eggplant musaka. So much good food! On Friday we are probably going to have my favorite food ever: hopping john! Hopping john is a southern food that involves black eyed peas over rice, served with cornbread and fried okra! It's delicious. It's traditional to have hopping john on New Year's for good luck. Anyhoo, I'm excited.

Today my mom and I are doing some shopping. I want to get some short skirts and v-neck shirts, so I can look super slutty for going out on the weekends ;) I want a skirt something like this:

We'll see if I find something that I like, but whatever. Well, I love you all! Thanks for all your support and concern last week. I really appreciate that someone cares. One of my friends at college said before I left, "Make sure you come back from break in one piece!" Thanks. I will try :)
Stay strong!

Scare

I had a little scare today guys. I went to Walgreen's after work this morning and purchased new razors. Here's where it gets scary and weird. I started cutting after I got home and it didn't hurt at all. Not one bit. Like, what? Then I took the blade away and noticed that I had cut really deep and there was a gaping hole in my wrist... shit. It took it 15 minutes to stop bleeding, and it was still gaping. I freaked out. I put a bandaid on it, and hoped it would be alright, but I couldn't stop thinking about how last time I had cuts like that, they got really infected. I really don't need an infected wound right now. After lunch, I finally got up the guts to tell a friend what was going on. She convinced me to go to the Health Center, where they cleaned it and put a steri-strip on it to keep it closed. I'm really glad I went, even though it was horribly embarrassing. They made me see a counselor before I left, which was really embarrassing too. I didn't want to talk to her. Mostly I was just really shaken up and scared. I mean, I could have died! It just makes me realize how I could accidentally cut too deep and die. It didn't even hurt! How is that possible?

I think this is a big wake-up call for me. I don't really want to die, even though I think about it all the time. For realz.
Ok, I really need to sleep. I'm going home for fall break tomorrow, and I need my rest. I hope you are all doing better than me :) And to my friend who helped me today, I LOVE YOU. You are amazing and fantastic and I am so glad I have you. Thank you.

Weirdness

Well, my life is just a mess right now. It's a good mess and a bad mess at the same time. Here is the bad:

- My friend Tess (the one who I hooked up with and was pissed at me) sent me this text yesterday after I asked her if I could still hang out with her on the weekend:
"It's completely off limits. I never want to see you with any amount of alcohol in you again."
Bitch! So now we are not friends.
- I feel really awkward around Amanda because nothing's happened since last weekend, and I don't feel like pursuing her right now.

The good:

- I made out with my friend Isabel last night. She has a boyfriend but is allowed to mess around with girls if she wants to. She's a really, really good kisser :)
- I'm just having a really good day. I went to see The Social Network (the movie about FaceBook) last night with my sorority sister, and it was awesome! We also ate Chipotle, which was amazing.

I hope this weekend is filled with awesomeness. I have a ton of homework, but I'll manage. I'm really busy today, so most of my homework-doing will be tomorrow I think.
Also, I've been cutting a lot. Since Tess and I are no longer friends, it doesn't matter where I cut because no one's looking. So I've been cutting my wrist, which is my favorite place. I will stop when I'm ready.

Have a great day everyone! Love ya <3