Swamped

I am completely swamped for the next week and a half. I have a bazillion papers and projects due between now and December 7th, so basically, life sucks right now. The biggest thing is a 15-25 page paper due on December 7th that I haven't even started yet. It's for my cultural math class, and I'm doing it on math and knitting. Sounds cool right? Unfortunately it's not as interesting as I thought it was going to be :(

In other news, my eating is going alright. Thanksgiving was fine, except for the usual fullness that accompanies good food and friends. I've been a little unhappy, but not enough to complain about. I'm mostly just really stressed about all the work I have to do. However, after the 7th, I only have a paper to write and an exam to study for on the 14th. So I just have to get through the next week! I CAN DO IT! I hope...

I am never taking this many classes again. Ugg...

25 Random Facts About Me

1. I am taking a math class but I hate math with a passion.

2. I love the squirrels on campus! So cute!!

3. I have four cats and 10+ fish at home, and only one lonely Jade plant here at school :(

4. I love to psychoanalyze people.

5. I have a boob obsession.

6. I love puffed Cheetos and toast.

7. I hate waffles.

8. I knit Christmas presents for my friends every year.

9. I'm currently knitting a pair of socks for my mom.

10. I don't have time to be write this blog because I have so much work to do.

11. I am drowning in homework.

12. I love to read historical fiction books.

13. I have three jobs at school.

14. I love cats.

15. I wear Fantasy by Britney Spears every day.

16. I NEVER wear shorts and only wear skirts or dresses on the weekends when I go out.

17. I'm in a sorority, but it's not what I expected it to be.

18. I wish I was more girly that I am.

19. I want to be a school counselor when I graduate.

20. I have an awesome 18-year old sister who I adore.

21. I love the color blue.

22. I have at least four best friends.

23. I sometimes forget that people in the real world don't talk about sex as much as people in college do, and so I say stuff at home that I shouldn't say.

24. I had an imaginary friend when I was really little named Pipsy.

25. I was suspended in high school for threatening to kill someone.

On that cheery note, I hope you all have a great day! Love you :)

I feel that an update is in order

Definitely. A lot has happened since my last post (12 days ago!). The biggest thing is that I checked myself into the hospital on Thursday night (November 18th) and was there for four days. I went to a counseling session on Thursday at 3 pm, and was completely honest with my therapist (I had been lying to her about the suicidal part and how seriously I was cutting, among other things). Because of everything I told her and the fact that I have been spiraling downwards during the past month, she and I agreed that the safest place for me would be the hospital. I didn't feel safe with myself and she didn't feel safe leaving me alone over the weekend. So I checked into the hospital on Thursday night at 7 pm.

It was actually quite nice! The ward I was in was an inpatient psychiatric and addictions ward. I had a roommate who was detoxing from alcohol. She was super nice, as were all the other patients. The nurses were all very welcoming and the therapists were nice too. I was terrified at first, and sort of in denial that I was in a hospital, but I got over that eventually. On Friday, I saw the psychiatrist, who upped my dose of Lexapro from 10mg daily to 20mg daily. I started feel better from that change on Sunday. Other than that, the biggest helps were the massive amounts of group therapy and just being around others who were dealing with the same issues. I had group therapy 5 to 6 times per day. Each session was about something different, like boundaries, communication skills, or something similar. I made a few good friends, too, and I have a few phone numbers and email addresses from people I met in the hospital.

Overall it was a good decision for me. I was discharged on Monday morning and resumed classes yesterday. The biggest thing I learned is that I need to ask for help before it gets too crazy and I need to be in a hospital. I learned that people really don't mind helping me, and in fact, they want to help me! Crazy, right? I'm really glad that I went in, because now I realize how serious my problems actually are and how much I need support.

I'm planning on seeing my therapist here (at school) until the end of the semester (December 15th), and then I am seeing my therapist at home on December 16th. She can refer me to a psychiatrist in Oregon, and he or she can monitor my medication better.

I'm basically just glad to be alive! Thanks to everyone who was helpful during the last few weeks (friends, sister, parents, etc). I love you all! THANK YOU.

I hate this week

I've been having a really hard time. I haven't really been honest on this blog, because my sister reads it now, and I didn't want to worry her. But after today, I feel like she deserves to know what is really going on.

I've been cutting. I went 23 days without it, and then two days ago I started again. You might ask why. Sometimes, it's just too hard to keep fighting. Sometimes I just want to give up. On Wednesday, I did give up. I gave in and bought razor blades. And I cut. And then again yesterday I cut. Except yesterday was different. I cut my ankle, and it was pretty deep. I probably needed stitches, but I don't like seeking medical attention for self-inflicted injuries. One of my friends had requested that I tell her whenever I either want to cut or have cut, so I went over to her room and talked about it with her. She freaked out a little when she saw the cut, and said she was going to call campus security to take me to the hospital for stitches. Unfortunately, at this point I had to go to night class, so she said she wouldn't call them until after my class. However, I was terrified and ended up sobbing all the way to class, so that when I got there, I was a mess. My professor (who is also my advisor) of course was concerned, and I told her exactly what was going on. With my permission, she called the residence life staff person who was on-call, who called the Dean of Students. I talked with both residence life and the assistant Dean of Students last night, and they made one of my friends sleep over with me. They also had security check on me. I had to meet with the Dean this morning as well.

Unfortunately, the Dean is not the best at dealing with these sorts of situations. She basically lectured me about how I shouldn't be so selfish and shouldn't put other students in the position of having to call security, and how I am a disruptive influence on campus. It was a horrible hour. That is NOT how you deal with someone who is self-injuring!! What a bitch.

Then at lunch today, one of my best friends revealed to me that she was planning to check herself into a psych ward today, and she wanted me to come with her and check in as well. At first I refused, but as I thought about it more, I realized that I really do need help. So I agreed. I called my parents and told them my plan, and they were surprisingly supportive. Usually they are against all forms of therapy and medication. I also called my sister and told her (I love you sis!!).

Well, I didn't end up checking into the hospital. The counselors at the campus health center told me that I probably wouldn't be admitted because I'm not in immediate danger of ending my life. Yes, I am suicidal, but I'm not going to go jump off a bridge right now. So both me and my friend didn't end up checking in. I'm wondering if this was the right decision, but I'm sticking with it for now.

The summary of this whole thing is: I'm depressed. I'm cutting again. I am suicidal. I might need to be in a hospital. But I love my friends and family, and I appreciate all the support I have received in the past 24 hours. I'm glad I have such good friends.

I'm sorry if I worried you all. I just want to get better. I just want to be happy. Hopefully, someday that will happen :)

Would anyone notice if I disappeared?

Let's be realistic. I don't think people would notice for at least 2 days, maybe a week. If I didn't show up to my classes for a week, my professors might become concerned. If my friends hadn't seen me in a few days, they might text or call me, but it wouldn't be unusual for me to not answer, so they wouldn't really be concerned. My boss at work would probably just think that I was sleeping through work, so he wouldn't report me missing. I can't think of a single person who I see regularly enough, or who cares enough, to report me missing after less than 2 days. After two days, the people who I eat breakfast with MIGHT get worried, but they would just assume that I was sick or something. All I'm saying is that I don't feel like people would miss me. What's the point?

I really need to grow a brain

Seriously. Yesterday I nearly did something really stupid and dangerous, but thank goodness my common sense kicked in (was it God?) and I got myself out of the situation. Here's the back story.
Yesterday I signed up for OkCupid, which is an internet dating sight. I signed up because I'm doing a research paper on internet dating, and decided to get some firsthand knowledge. In the first 30 minutes of me joining, I was talking to three or four people, all who wanted casual sex. The first two I turned down because they were creepy dudes. But the third was this really nice 18-year old woman. We chatted for a few hours by email before she even brought up the fact that she was looking for a woman to join a threesome with her and her boyfriend. For some odd reason (maybe I was flattered? maybe I was looking to try something new?) I thought that it would be a great idea.  But of course, I was still super careful. I refused to give her my phone number. I agreed to meet her and her boyfriend for coffee at a coffee shop that is within walking distance from my college campus.

But here's where I get dumb. I didn't tell anyone where I was going. I thought about it, but I thought that if I told anyone they would be horrified and tell me not to go (this should have been my clue that it was a bad idea, but whatever). When I got there, they were pretty nice. We chatted for about 45 minutes, and then I got into their car. Dumb. Never get into a stranger's car! I have watched WAY too much Law and Order and CSI to get into a stranger's car willingly! The whole time, my alarm bells were going off. But I let them drive around, trying to figure out a place to go.

Finally, my common sense kicked in, and I told them that I wasn't comfortable anymore. They were super nice (thank God!) and took me back to the cafe. I am so glad I didn't die or something. I could have been kidnapped. I could have been raped. I could have died. But I didn't. I am positive that God is to thank for this. I know many of you aren't religious, but I am. I sent a quick prayer up to God on my way to the coffee shop last night, and I know He heard. Thank you God! I am so glad that I'm safe.

The other horrible thing about last night was that the guy in the couple reminded me of Creepy Old Guy. I dated this man when I was 16 who was 28, and I call him Creepy Old Guy. No one knew I was dating him. My friends barely knew and my family had no idea. We dated for four months before I came to my senses and broke it off. In fact, I actually broke up with him on the same day that I told my parents about my ED! Weird coincidence, huh? But anyways, he definitely took advantage of me, and I used to have nightmares about him. When I first got to college, I used to think I was seeing him everywhere (because he said he was going to come with me to college). Creepy! But the guy last night reminded me of him, and that totally freaked me out. A lot.

But the good news is that I came to my senses and I got myself out of there! I feel like I would not have done that a few years ago. I would have just gone with it.

I think I need to chill for a few weeks and focus on myself. No hooking up. No drinking. No crazy shit. Just me.

I don't know

I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I feel like I can't write in this blog because so many people in real life read it now. My sister, my friend. I don't want to hurt them! I don't want to accidentally say something that will especially upset them. But I have to keep writing. I don't know.

In other news, I had a fun Halloween weekend! Here's a picture of me in my costume:

**Picture deleted for privacy**

My costume looks way better in real life, I promise. The dress is super cute :) It was a great weekend, and I ended up hooking up with this really hot girl and getting an offer from another girl. How do I find these people? They just come to me.

I've been struggling a bit otherwise. It's been over two weeks since I've cut, and it's harder every day. I thought it was supposed to get easier! My therapist and I have been getting into scary territory in sessions, so maybe that's what is triggering me. In terms of eating, I'm doing alright. I keep thinking I'm fat, even though I know I'm not. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I AM BEAUTIFUL!

My friend made me this beautiful little booklet full of inspiration for when I feel bad about myself. I don't know if any of you are religious at all, but I love this quote from Psalm 121:
I lift my eyes up unto the heavens
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
The maker of heaven and Earth.

It's a beautiful quote, and I hope that I can think of it and ask for help if I need it.
Well, I need to go eat breakfast. And coffee! I NEED coffee. Love you all!