Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ok, so I thought I'd do an update post. Sometimes I post something and then forget that ya'll don't live in my head and know what happened with it. To start with, I found out that Mary (my crush from this post) doesn't like me. I didn't ask, but I figured it out. It's ok, though, because now I can move on. I think it was more that I wanted to know. I probably didn't like her as much as I thought I did.

On another, related note, I am not defective! I was worried in my last post that I would be fucked up forever (sexually and emotionally) from what happened. But, I'm not. I had a nice, stress-free, pressure-free encounter with a man that I've hooked up with before, and I was completely fine. He wanted to hook up (by hook up, I mean make-out and take our shirts off, not sex), but I didn't really want to, or I wasn't sure if I wanted to. But I invited him over anyway, and I told him that we could just talk. But once he was at my room (and he knows what happened and is totally understanding and supportive), I decided to go for it. It was completely fine and he was totally nice and kept checking to see if I was alright. So it was great! I'm glad that I can be with someone and not freak out. However, any farther than kissing and touching and I would probs freak.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm sort of questioning if I'm really an alcoholic. I miss drinking :( That sounds bad, I know. But think about it. I had a really horrible time last semester, and I was drinking a lot to make myself feel better. I was also in the middle of a bipolar episode, and that explains my excessive drinking. Before last semester, I wasn't a crazy drinker. I could stop and start when I wanted to. I was in total control. I was fine. So I think that last semester was just a fluke, and if I'm healthier, then I should be able to drink in a healthier way too. But I don't know. I want to talk to my therapist and see what she thinks. But the reason I'm thinking about this is that my friend and I were talking and decided that maybe I should just try to drink again (in moderation) and see what happens. We talked about just buying 3 beers each, and drinking ONLY three beers each, and then going dancing. No more than that. And then see what happens. But again, I don't know. We'll see what I think about it and what my therapist says.

Ok, enough talking. I'm so tired. I must sleep.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....