Bleh

So I have a crush on this girl. Let's call her Mary. Mary is a sophomore at my school (I'm a junior) and we met in one of my classes last semester. Around fall break, we started getting really close and by the end of the semester we were having study parties or hanging out every day. She likes girls, but she's not out at home. Only her sister knows; her parents aren't that tolerant of that stuff. Anyway, I totally like her. A lot. But I'm not sure how she feels about me. It's so confusing with girls!! I hug all of my friends, girls and guys, and I am affectionate with everyone. I also hang out alone with my friends frequently. So it pretty much means nothing if she likes to hug me and that we hang out alone a lot. Actually, we pretty much never hang out with other people around. We mostly chill and talk, or have study parties.

So right before I left for winter break, during finals, I told her that I liked her. I didn't expect a response, and I told her that too, but I just wanted to put it out there. I think my words were, "I think you're really cute and I like you." Eloquent, I know. But her only response was basically "ok." So I have no earthly idea how she feels. But my problem is that I really really like her. And I can't tell if she likes me. We've already hung out three times this semester, and this is the third day we've been back. Tonight we chatted for an hour and then watched at TV show while snuggling (by snuggling I mean that we sat (closely) next to each other on my bed and she rested her head on my shoulder). The only reason I had to kick her out was because it was 1 am and I needed to sleep (which obviously I'm not doing, since I'm blogging about her). Oh, we also had breakfast this morning together. I don't know, I guess I just don't know what to do. I don't want to push it or say anything, but I can freaking stop looking at her boobs! Ugg!! Stupid low-cut shirts... not that I mind or anything ;) I like boobs.

I just wish I knew what was going on in her head too.

On a different note, it's really strange being back on campus. One of the reasons I was really glad to be studying abroad was because I didn't want to see people on campus for a long time. So it's a bit difficult to be around these bitches who hate me because I reported my rape. I also keep crying randomly. Just now, before I started writing this, I was looking at only emails to make sure that my crush didn't read this blog (I can never remember who I've given the link to), and I came across the email in which I told her that I was raped. This is what it said:
She had asked if I was alright and if there was anything she could do, because I had said I was dealing with some shit. I said, "I'm not alright. I found out that morgan and i had sex on friday night and i did not consent. she raped me. i'm reporting it today.
i don't know if you can do anything. i don't know what i need."

Just this simple email made me cry and I couldn't stop. I thought about calling someone, but my crush had just left and I felt stupid calling another friend to come over and hug me at 1 am. I know, I probably should have just called someone. Whatever.

How long am I going to feel like this? Mostly I'm ok, but then I'll just randomly cry. When will it stop?