Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Sorry it's been so long, I've been basking in winter break glory :)
All I've really been doing is going to appointments, knitting, and watching TV. SO MANY APPOINTMENTS. I'm seeing my counselor, a prescriber for new medication, a physical therapist, and I saw a doctor a few times too. My prescriber gave me Lamictal about three weeks ago, and it's working great. I'm only at 50 mg right now, and I'll probably work up to a higher dose (I see her again tomorrow). The only thing is that it doesn't help with my anxiety AT ALL, so I'm still really anxious about everything. But I'm going to ask her about that tomorrow. My therapist wrote a letter to my college and is sending it tomorrow, and so it should work out that I'm coming back to campus on Sunday. Break seems so short now!

I've been busy knitting twenty-million things (literally) and applying for summer internships. There's this really cool one with the American Psychological Association that I REALLYREALLYREALLY want. It's in D.C. and they house you and pay you and you get to do research with top psychology researchers! WANT WANT WANT. However, I think that the rest of the country wants it too, so we'll see how that goes.

Here are some pretty pictures of my knitting:
 Bookmark for my gramma  for Christmas.
 Lace scarf for a professor. 

My eating has been less that stellar. I think being home makes me more disordered than when I'm at school (generally). I think I feel unsafe here, in terms of food. I never know when we're eating (my parents eat really late for dinner, and it drives me nuts), because there isn't a set dinner time. I also feel guilty spending money on food for lunch and breakfast, so then I only end up getting snacks and feeling guilty for spending money on them. I honestly can't wait to get back to school, where I have control over when I eat and what I eat, and there are set mealtimes. The food at school sucks, but at least it's consistent. Anyhoo, all of this food-insecurity has led to a lot of chocolate and sugar consumption. I really need to stop eating chocolate so much.

Another thing that is making me nervous is the fact that I'm back to the weight I was when I started college. I got down to 170 when I was relapsing this summer, and now I'm at 220 again. Uuuuuggggg.... this is the weight that I can't stand. Aside from not particularly liking my body at this weight, I just feel gross. So it's gotta go.

With that, here are my goals for the coming semester:
- Exercise for 30 minutes, at least 2x per week (if I set the goal higher, I won't do it, I know myself).
- Stop drinking soda, even diet soda, except when eating out.
- Only one dessert per day (pick lunch or dinner, NOT both).
- Be healthy in general. No cutting, no drinking, no drugs, no ED behaviors.
- Reach out to friends if I feel down or like I want to engage in unhealthy behaviors.
- Spend more time with friends in general (i.e. have a study party instead of studying alone, or call a friend when I have some downtime and hang with them instead of by myself).

I know those are a lot of goals, but that's how my semester should go. I just want it to be a happy, healthy semester. I am taking a normal amount of classes and one of them is apparently a joke class. I only have one job instead of three, and that job only requires answering the phone a few times per shift (otherwise, I just do my homework or chill). I'm going to be inactive in my sorority so that I don't have to deal with all the drama and can just focus on myself. I'm not going to do anything intense with clubs on campus; I'll probably just stick with Christian Fellowship meetings, and that's it. Basically, it should be a chill semester.

I have found a new therapist at school, whose office is three blocks from campus. I'm seeing her Monday, and I've heard she's really good, so I'm hopeful. I'm going to continue to see my prescriber through Skype, so we can get my meds all straightened out.

Well, that's about it. I'll keep you all updated on life at school and how my goals are going :) Love you all!


  1. I didn't know you were a knitter. Thats great! I am too. The cold weather has me knitting like crazy cause....what else is there to do??

    Do you have a page on Ravelry.com perchance? If you don't know what that is, check it out! Its like knitting Facebook. TONS of free patterns.

    Love the Fair Isle hat!! I haven't yet tried Fair Isle or intarsia. They seem daunting to me.

    Happy knitting, and healthy eating!!

  2. *Wraps a blanket around you and cuddles you*

    Ya know, it's funny. Milo's abusive ex-husband used the same excuse to the police when he bashed her. "Oh, she's a self-harmer. She did it to herself." The cop had a brain and laughed at him. I've NEVER seen anyone flexible enough to punch themselves hard enough in the boobs to bruise!

    0.0 *Yoinks patterns* Sankyoooooooo! Wow, you have marvelous skills! I've just graduated onto moss-stitch *Blushes* I hope I can be as good as you one day!

    Best of luck with the end of the break. Looking forward to hearing from you soon <3

  3. I would love to learn how to knit, but I know I don't have the patience for that. I have seen one of my friends basically take apart a whole sweater because she dropped a stitch, and that would drive me insane. LOL

    My parents eat really late, too, and it annoys me so much! Sometimes we won't eat until 8:30 or 9 at night, and by the time we actually sit down to eat, I am either so hungry that I don't even taste the food, I am so hungry that I'm not hungry anymore, or I am not hungry because I gave in at 6:30 and had a snack. Grrrr why can't they eat at 6 like normal people?? Oh well, nine more days until I go back to my apartment and I set my mealtimes.


  4. I hear you on the patterns. I could spend forever and ever on that site. I have so many in my queue. Many of them I'll probably never, ever make. LOL. My name is Eterknity, come find me if you'd like!