Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ok, so I thought I'd do an update post. Sometimes I post something and then forget that ya'll don't live in my head and know what happened with it. To start with, I found out that Mary (my crush from this post) doesn't like me. I didn't ask, but I figured it out. It's ok, though, because now I can move on. I think it was more that I wanted to know. I probably didn't like her as much as I thought I did.

On another, related note, I am not defective! I was worried in my last post that I would be fucked up forever (sexually and emotionally) from what happened. But, I'm not. I had a nice, stress-free, pressure-free encounter with a man that I've hooked up with before, and I was completely fine. He wanted to hook up (by hook up, I mean make-out and take our shirts off, not sex), but I didn't really want to, or I wasn't sure if I wanted to. But I invited him over anyway, and I told him that we could just talk. But once he was at my room (and he knows what happened and is totally understanding and supportive), I decided to go for it. It was completely fine and he was totally nice and kept checking to see if I was alright. So it was great! I'm glad that I can be with someone and not freak out. However, any farther than kissing and touching and I would probs freak.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm sort of questioning if I'm really an alcoholic. I miss drinking :( That sounds bad, I know. But think about it. I had a really horrible time last semester, and I was drinking a lot to make myself feel better. I was also in the middle of a bipolar episode, and that explains my excessive drinking. Before last semester, I wasn't a crazy drinker. I could stop and start when I wanted to. I was in total control. I was fine. So I think that last semester was just a fluke, and if I'm healthier, then I should be able to drink in a healthier way too. But I don't know. I want to talk to my therapist and see what she thinks. But the reason I'm thinking about this is that my friend and I were talking and decided that maybe I should just try to drink again (in moderation) and see what happens. We talked about just buying 3 beers each, and drinking ONLY three beers each, and then going dancing. No more than that. And then see what happens. But again, I don't know. We'll see what I think about it and what my therapist says.

Ok, enough talking. I'm so tired. I must sleep.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Paranoid

I think I'm crazy. I am completely convinced that every new person who is nice to me just wants to get into my pants. Tonight, I was talking to this nice guy at dinner, and I was convinced that he was hitting on me. Are people just nice by themselves, without wanting something in return? He invited me to a party in his room tonight, in about an hour. Half of me wants to go, but there will be alcohol, and that sounds like a temptation that I don't need. I don't know what I want. It totally freaks me out that someone would be hitting on me. I just can't think about affection or sex right now. I'm totally fucked up because of this rape thing. I never want to have sex or a relationship again. I am really paranoid about the people I meet and I feel like I can never trust anyone new. I'm even having trouble trusting my good friends. I mostly just want to isolate myself and not talk to anyone, because then I wouldn't have to trust them. I feel like if I talk to anyone, they will tell one of my enemies what I say, and then things will get worse. Honestly, nothing has really happened since I've been back at school. No one I don't like has talked to me. No one has threatened me. No one has talked shit about me. I've heard rumors about myself, but nothing I didn't already know. It's just me. I'm just crazy.

Bleh

So I have a crush on this girl. Let's call her Mary. Mary is a sophomore at my school (I'm a junior) and we met in one of my classes last semester. Around fall break, we started getting really close and by the end of the semester we were having study parties or hanging out every day. She likes girls, but she's not out at home. Only her sister knows; her parents aren't that tolerant of that stuff. Anyway, I totally like her. A lot. But I'm not sure how she feels about me. It's so confusing with girls!! I hug all of my friends, girls and guys, and I am affectionate with everyone. I also hang out alone with my friends frequently. So it pretty much means nothing if she likes to hug me and that we hang out alone a lot. Actually, we pretty much never hang out with other people around. We mostly chill and talk, or have study parties.

So right before I left for winter break, during finals, I told her that I liked her. I didn't expect a response, and I told her that too, but I just wanted to put it out there. I think my words were, "I think you're really cute and I like you." Eloquent, I know. But her only response was basically "ok." So I have no earthly idea how she feels. But my problem is that I really really like her. And I can't tell if she likes me. We've already hung out three times this semester, and this is the third day we've been back. Tonight we chatted for an hour and then watched at TV show while snuggling (by snuggling I mean that we sat (closely) next to each other on my bed and she rested her head on my shoulder). The only reason I had to kick her out was because it was 1 am and I needed to sleep (which obviously I'm not doing, since I'm blogging about her). Oh, we also had breakfast this morning together. I don't know, I guess I just don't know what to do. I don't want to push it or say anything, but I can freaking stop looking at her boobs! Ugg!! Stupid low-cut shirts... not that I mind or anything ;) I like boobs.

I just wish I knew what was going on in her head too.

On a different note, it's really strange being back on campus. One of the reasons I was really glad to be studying abroad was because I didn't want to see people on campus for a long time. So it's a bit difficult to be around these bitches who hate me because I reported my rape. I also keep crying randomly. Just now, before I started writing this, I was looking at only emails to make sure that my crush didn't read this blog (I can never remember who I've given the link to), and I came across the email in which I told her that I was raped. This is what it said:
She had asked if I was alright and if there was anything she could do, because I had said I was dealing with some shit. I said, "I'm not alright. I found out that morgan and i had sex on friday night and i did not consent. she raped me. i'm reporting it today.
i don't know if you can do anything. i don't know what i need."

Just this simple email made me cry and I couldn't stop. I thought about calling someone, but my crush had just left and I felt stupid calling another friend to come over and hug me at 1 am. I know, I probably should have just called someone. Whatever.

How long am I going to feel like this? Mostly I'm ok, but then I'll just randomly cry. When will it stop?

Omnomnomnom

Sorry it's been so long, I've been basking in winter break glory :)
All I've really been doing is going to appointments, knitting, and watching TV. SO MANY APPOINTMENTS. I'm seeing my counselor, a prescriber for new medication, a physical therapist, and I saw a doctor a few times too. My prescriber gave me Lamictal about three weeks ago, and it's working great. I'm only at 50 mg right now, and I'll probably work up to a higher dose (I see her again tomorrow). The only thing is that it doesn't help with my anxiety AT ALL, so I'm still really anxious about everything. But I'm going to ask her about that tomorrow. My therapist wrote a letter to my college and is sending it tomorrow, and so it should work out that I'm coming back to campus on Sunday. Break seems so short now!

I've been busy knitting twenty-million things (literally) and applying for summer internships. There's this really cool one with the American Psychological Association that I REALLYREALLYREALLY want. It's in D.C. and they house you and pay you and you get to do research with top psychology researchers! WANT WANT WANT. However, I think that the rest of the country wants it too, so we'll see how that goes.

Here are some pretty pictures of my knitting:

 Bookmark for my gramma  for Christmas.

 Lace scarf for a professor. 

My eating has been less that stellar. I think being home makes me more disordered than when I'm at school (generally). I think I feel unsafe here, in terms of food. I never know when we're eating (my parents eat really late for dinner, and it drives me nuts), because there isn't a set dinner time. I also feel guilty spending money on food for lunch and breakfast, so then I only end up getting snacks and feeling guilty for spending money on them. I honestly can't wait to get back to school, where I have control over when I eat and what I eat, and there are set mealtimes. The food at school sucks, but at least it's consistent. Anyhoo, all of this food-insecurity has led to a lot of chocolate and sugar consumption. I really need to stop eating chocolate so much.

Another thing that is making me nervous is the fact that I'm back to the weight I was when I started college. I got down to 170 when I was relapsing this summer, and now I'm at 220 again. Uuuuuggggg.... this is the weight that I can't stand. Aside from not particularly liking my body at this weight, I just feel gross. So it's gotta go.

With that, here are my goals for the coming semester:
- Exercise for 30 minutes, at least 2x per week (if I set the goal higher, I won't do it, I know myself).
- Stop drinking soda, even diet soda, except when eating out.
- Only one dessert per day (pick lunch or dinner, NOT both).
- Be healthy in general. No cutting, no drinking, no drugs, no ED behaviors.
- Reach out to friends if I feel down or like I want to engage in unhealthy behaviors.
- Spend more time with friends in general (i.e. have a study party instead of studying alone, or call a friend when I have some downtime and hang with them instead of by myself).

I know those are a lot of goals, but that's how my semester should go. I just want it to be a happy, healthy semester. I am taking a normal amount of classes and one of them is apparently a joke class. I only have one job instead of three, and that job only requires answering the phone a few times per shift (otherwise, I just do my homework or chill). I'm going to be inactive in my sorority so that I don't have to deal with all the drama and can just focus on myself. I'm not going to do anything intense with clubs on campus; I'll probably just stick with Christian Fellowship meetings, and that's it. Basically, it should be a chill semester.

I have found a new therapist at school, whose office is three blocks from campus. I'm seeing her Monday, and I've heard she's really good, so I'm hopeful. I'm going to continue to see my prescriber through Skype, so we can get my meds all straightened out.

Well, that's about it. I'll keep you all updated on life at school and how my goals are going :) Love you all!