Thursday, March 8, 2012
I am officially off my medication! I did it a little fast, which wasn't perhaps the smartest idea ever. From 400 mg to zero in 17 days! I had minor side effects from withdrawal (dizziness, loss of focus, etc.) but nothing major. Today is day four without medication. I feel normal. Like actually normal. Like a real person. Not sad, not overly happy. Not depressed, not hypomanic. Isn't it sad that I think something is wrong when I'm not depressed? I have been depressed for so long that it freaks me out to be normal. It makes me feel out of whack, weird, off-balance. I mean, don't get me wrong; it's nice! I like wanting to be alive! I DO NOT miss wanting to die all the time! I really like being able to enjoy life! And it's for real this time. There is no antidepressant or mood stabilizer behind my good mood. It's all me, baby. Weird, right?
Other than my medication, things are going well. Well, mostly. I got my period today and it's making me feel like a blob of fat. So that sucks. I hit a high weight this morning, and freaked out a little. There is a certain weight that I refuse to go above. This isn't one of those eating disorder things. I am not a tiny waif who needs to gain weight so she won't die. I am honestly obese. You wouldn't know it to look at me; I just look overweight. But my BMI is in the obese range. And when I go over this particular weight, I am NOT okay with it. NOT OKAY. I wanted to purge today, but I didn't. Mostly because a) I had just finished telling a friend that purging wasn't worth it, and b) I didn't feel like going back down that road. I feel confident that with the help of my friends, I can stay on the recovery path throughout my period. I am always a bloated, cranky bitch during my period, and this month is no exception. I will survive though!
Have a wonderful week guys :) Also, you should all watch Demi Lovato's new documentary about her eating disorder, self-harm, etc. It is wonderful!