Thursday, March 8, 2012


Hey! It's spring break! Yay! Except for the fact that it's Thursday and I haven't really done anything productive. I have mostly been a slug and watched a lot of TV. That's okay though. I worked on my thesis a little bit yesterday and today. I still have to write a stupid short story for creative writing. Why did I sign up for this class again?

I am officially off my medication! I did it a little fast, which wasn't perhaps the smartest idea ever. From 400 mg to zero in 17 days! I had minor side effects from withdrawal (dizziness, loss of focus, etc.) but nothing major. Today is day four without medication. I feel normal. Like actually normal. Like a real person. Not sad, not overly happy. Not depressed, not hypomanic. Isn't it sad that I think something is wrong when I'm not depressed? I have been depressed for so long that it freaks me out to be normal. It makes me feel out of whack, weird, off-balance. I mean, don't get me wrong; it's nice! I like wanting to be alive! I DO NOT miss wanting to die all the time! I really like being able to enjoy life! And it's for real this time. There is no antidepressant or mood stabilizer behind my good mood. It's all me, baby. Weird, right?

Other than my medication, things are going well. Well, mostly. I got my period today and it's making me feel like a blob of fat. So that sucks. I hit a high weight this morning, and freaked out a little. There is a certain weight that I refuse to go above. This isn't one of those eating disorder things. I am not a tiny waif who needs to gain weight so she won't die. I am honestly obese. You wouldn't know it to look at me; I just look overweight. But my BMI is in the obese range. And when I go over this particular weight, I am NOT okay with it. NOT OKAY. I wanted to purge today, but I didn't. Mostly because a) I had just finished telling a friend that purging wasn't worth it, and b) I didn't feel like going back down that road. I feel confident that with the help of my friends, I can stay on the recovery path throughout my period. I am always a bloated, cranky bitch during my period, and this month is no exception. I will survive though!

Have a wonderful week guys :) Also, you should all watch Demi Lovato's new documentary about her eating disorder, self-harm, etc. It is wonderful!


  1. I think medication's just unnatural. Well, I take some pills recreationally, but antidepressants and all that. I was on them for a while and they made me so stupid... No focus, motivation, memory, etc. I'm glad you're off your meds, it's good that you feel good without them.
    I'm a crampy whiny bitch on my period, too. I think everyone is, so no worries. Don't relapse, it just isn't worth it. You're better than purging, and you deserve better than what it will do to you.
    Have a fun spring break! (:

  2. "Isn't it sad that I think something is wrong when I'm not depressed? I have been depressed for so long that it freaks me out to be normal. It makes me feel out of whack, weird, off-balance."

    0.0 Did you sneak inside my head and copy my thoughts out? :p Every time things have been going well and I've been normal for a few weeks or months it freaked me the fuck out. It's like I don't know who I am when I'm not depressed. Bizarre.

    Mig took me to see these guys, best thing he ever did for me. I listen to their album religiously. I absolutely adore it.
    That song is so about him and me XD
    This I love:
    Fuck, I need to make copies and send it to heaps of people. Quirky Shit at it's finest!

    Fucking periods. They're like the price we have to pay for being so awesomely female. If I was there I'd declare it "slumming it in comfy clothes and watching stupid movies with cups of hot chocolate and hot water bottles study-rest" day. My boobs haven't stood pillow-duty in far too damn long.

    Don't let the monthly Uterus Punch fuck up your Epicness! The bloat will go away and the hormones will settle back down again. It always has and always will. Lol, at least the predictability of the female body can be reassuring in that respect. Not too nice at the start of it D: I usually gain about a kilo (2.2lbs?) of water weight the the start of my monthly, so not fucking cool! At least it is /somewhat/ expected -.-

    Lots of love and hugs to you <3

  3. I'm glad things are going well, urgh period. I hate to say it but the only thing that gets me through my period is lots and lots of hot chocolate. <3