Sorry!

Welp. It's been six months... oops. I have no excuses, except that I just forget that this blog exists sometimes! But here's are the highlights from the last six months:

• Finished up my internship at the community mental health center. I tried to get a job there, but no luck.
• Finished my final semester of grad school in May and officially became a Master of Social Work! 
• Took my first licensure exam and am now a Licensed Master of Social Work.
• Applied to 55 jobs (no joke), had five interviews, and got three job offers.
• Accepted a position at a substance abuse treatment center in St. Louis, Missouri as a counselor/insurance reimbursement specialist! 
• Started my job in the middle of June, so I'm almost 2 months in at this point. I have six individual clients. I also lead two therapy groups. And I check insurance benefits and get treatment authorized for clients in the inpatient program. Pretty cool! 
• Got approved to start working on my supervised work hours that go toward my clinical license. So in 2 years, I can take another exam and be a License Clinical Social Worker.
• Signed a lease for a one bedroom apartment and I'm moving in a week! YAY! 
• Still doing personal therapy. Working on my sexual abuse, which is super great (not). 
• Haven't self-harmed in almost a year! It will be a year on August 22. It's a very strange feeling. 
• Basically, things are pretty great :)

As you can see, I've been a little busy, so maybe that's an excuse for not posting for six months. Maybe. But I wanted you guys to know that I haven't abandoned you! I miss writing this blog and reading your blogs. I will try to be more diligent about it, but I can't promised anything. Thanks for reading! 

Here's a quick picture of me. I don't do this very often, and I'll probably take it down, but enjoy it while it lasts! This is from graduation day :)

HELLO!

Hi! Wow, it's only been like two weeks since my last post - AMAZING! :)

So here's the scoop. I just started seeing my new substance abuse clients. I have five total now, but I've only seen two so far. Let me just say, it is SO DIFFERENT working with men than women. Up till now, all my clients have been women. And this man that I saw on Tuesday was suuuuper awkward. It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk. And then I think he felt awkward because we were talking about his multiple girlfriends (who don't know about each other...) and I think that he thought that I was judging him. Which I wasn't. But whatever. The other different thing about substance abuse clients is that many of them are on probation/parole, so I have to do extra paperwork and send reports to their probation/parole officers. Weird! And I might have to learn how to administer urine analysis tests. Ew.

Other than my new clients, things are okay. On Friday it'll be six months of no self-harm. Weird. Therapy is going well. We've just started talking about my sexual assault, so that kinda sucks. But I think that if we avoided the subject, then I'd just avoid it forever, and that's not helpful. I need to process this stuff so that I can be a better counselor and a better romantic partner and a better person.

UGGGGGGGGG I'm just so tired! I've been applying for jobs and stuff, and that's really exhausting. Yuck. I'll let you know if I get an interview or anything though! That would be awesome.

Love you all! :)

Craaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyy

WARNING: This post is being written on the worst day of my period (aka the day that I go crazy and emotional everywhere). Beware. This could get ugly and does not represent my normal headspace.

BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay, now that that's out of my system.
I quit therapy.
And now I'm questioning everything. Maybe that was a bad idea? Maybe I should try to find a different therapist? Maybe I'm beyond help and should just quit while I'm ahead?

I quit therapy because I don't like my therapist. At all. She says condescending things and doesn't understand how I think AT ALL. I thought I could deal with it, but I can't. So I cancelled my appointment with her (that was scheduled for today). I think she'll get the hint that I'm quitting. And this is weird for me! I have never quit therapy before. I have never done this before. And now I feel suuuuuuper guilty. WHHHYYYYYYYY.

Part of me thinks that I'll be fine. I have survived without therapy before, and I don't think it was working anyway. And I can always do therapy on myself, since I'm in three different therapy classes this summer. But the other part of me thinks that this is terrible and I'm screwed. I mean, how can I maintain professional sanity when I haven't worked through my shit?
Things that still need work:
- Self esteem
- Not blaming myself for the sexual assault
- Not eating my feelings (aka ice cream and chocolate when I'm upset or bored)
- Not having the urge to self-harm

These are relatively significant things. Don't worry, I haven't self-harmed at all. I just think about it sometimes. Not as much as I used to think about it. But more than I am comfortable with. I need to be a mental health professional, dammit! I can't have mental health issues myself!

So I don't know. That's what's happening in my head right now. Basically I feel guilty and freaked out and I'm waiting for this to pass.

Love you guys :)

Another month...

This is Aaron Carter. PLEASE say you know him!

Oh, cute 90's pop stars...

I realize it's been another month since I've last posted. It's just so hard sometimes! It's overwhelming coming back and realizing that I've missed a month of other people's posts. By the time I get through reading everything, I'm so tired that I don't even want to blog. But whatever. Suck it up.

I'm back at school. I had winter break for three weeks, which was completely unproductive. I was supposed to work on thesis stuff, which I did not. Now I'm back, and wishing that I had. I'm taking two classes this semester: creative writing and psych disorders. I'm also doing my thesis experiment and being the department tutor for the psych department. My thesis experiment is coming along nicely. I'm running a few pilot participants this weekend (assuming my candy actually comes in the mail) to see how the timing goes and everything. Remember, my thesis is on the effects of anxiety and observation on eating behavior in disordered eaters. I'm recruiting disordered eaters, making them anxious (or not), watching them (or not), giving them food, and seeing what happens. Should be fun!

I'm trying to make this semester better than last semester. My prescriber upped my meds over break, so that might help. So far, so good. I am trying to sleep more, but have only been getting 5-6 hours per night because I get up at 6 am every day. Going to be before 11 pm is hard! But sleeping is worth it :)

I was having a little trouble with rape stuff, because I had several conversations with different people about my rape/rape in general, and there is a girl who sided with my rapist who just came back from abroad. So that's been interesting, but oh well. It was only a few days, and it wasn't much. I am trying to utilize God and my friends when I'm feeling upset, instead of turning it on myself.

OH! I got accepted to a graduate school! It's my top choice: Washington University in St. Louis, the Brown School of Social Work. I had an interview for scholarships today (ahhh!!), and I should find out if I get any scholarships between February 1st and 15th. YAY! I'm super excited. I don't know if I can go to WashU if I don't get scholarships, but my dad hinted that maybe we could make it work. YAY! SO EXCITED! It's been a good few weeks.

Other than that... Christmas was good. I got a new laptop (it's super sweet). Graduation is super soon (freak out). School is school.
Peace out, kids :)

Sometimes

Sometimes I am terrified to go back to school because I don't know what will happen this next semester, whether I will start drinking and hooking up again or if I will be a normal person for once.

Sometimes I feel triggered and I don't know what exactly did it.

Sometimes I do things to intentionally trigger myself, so that maybe it won't be so bad next time.

Sometimes I'm triggered and want to cut so badly that the only thing stopping me is the fact that I'm lazy and don't want to get out of bed.

Sometimes I wish that my rape wasn't so lame; I wish that I could prove it, or at least remember it, and then maybe it would feel more real.

Sometimes I wish that I had my eating disorder back, because it gave me something to focus on and control.

Sometimes I want to sleep for a month.

Sometimes I just want to be a "normal" person who doesn't need drugs or therapy.

Sometimes I hate myself because I feel like I should be better than I am, like I should be a better person, friend, daughter, sister, victim, student, employee, a better everything.

Sometimes I'm happy though. Perhaps more than sometimes :)

Noooooo, stop it, flashbacks! YOU SUCK!

Since I've been talking about the rape SO MUCH all the time, I've been having more flashbacks. This is probably normal. When you think about something more, it also invades your unconscious mind more as well. The sucky thing about this is that I get flashbacks when I listen to music. NOOOOOOOO!!!! I love singing in the car! But unfortunately, a lot of the songs that are on the radio/that I love are about getting drunk, dancing, hooking up. And all of those things are things that I associate with being raped. For example, there is this song that I love called Give Me Everything Tonight by Pitbull. I absolutely adore it. Mostly because it's fun to sing. I like catchy songs that I can sing along to. But there are a few lines that always trigger me.

But I might drink a little more than I should tonight,
And I might take you home with me if I could tonight,
And baby, I'ma make you feel so good tonight,
Cuz we might not get tomorrow. 

Sounds fine, right? Nope. The part about drinking a little more than I should, and the taking you home if I could, is triggering. Because I did drink (a lot) more than I should have, and I did take her home with me.

This isn't the only song that triggers me. Others include Last Friday Night by Katy Perry and E.T. by Katy Perry. Actually, come to think of it, basically all Katy Perry songs. Firework is ok, but there are a lot that mention getting drunk (Last Friday Night) or hint at nonconsenual sex (E.T., during the intro when he says "Imma disrobe you, then Imma probe you, see I've abducted you, so I'll tell you what to do...").

Anyhoo, this sucks, because I love Katy Perry and I love singing songs like that! But when I have them on and/or am singing to them, I get flashbacks and have to change the station. LAAAAAAAME. Hopefully that will stop, cuz it suuuuuuucks.

Ok, bedtime. Oh, also, today marks 100 days with no cutting!! YAY! <3

Better-ish

It's ok, I'm fine. I guess I had a lot of things going on, and the stress built up. I haven't talked to my therapist specifically about the purging, but she says that stuff like wanting to cut is normal when people are overloaded, like I am now. I mean, I have rape crap on my mind, Isaac crap, stressful work, pressure because school is starting soon and I haven't done much research and haven't started applying to grad school, and I feel fat and gross. Is that enough yet? How much more can I handle? I'm also exhausted all the time because of my job, so that doesn't help. But the good news about that is that I never have the energy to cut myself. I really want to sometimes, but I usually am waaay too tired to drag myself out of bed. So that's good!

I didn't purge yesterday (Friday), but I wanted to. I mostly wanted to cut though. Idk what is going on currently, but the cutting urge is stronger than usual. It's probably related to the aforementioned stuff. Bleh. I'm so tired of this! I miss when I was feeling happier, when my meds were first kicking in. I know that my medication is working still, or else I would actually be cutting and/or purging, but I'm still annoyed. I hope that once I get to school and stop thinking about the rape, stop working, etc. then I will be less crazy.

Weeeeelll, I should go. I'm at the airport, waiting for my flight to board. I'm flying down to California to see my sister :) She is swimming at US Nationals right now. Well, she finished swimming yesterday. And GUESS WHAT?? She's a superstar; she made her Olympic Trials cut in 200 backstroke! She is going to the OLYMPIC TRIALS! My sister is so cool. I'm so so so proud of her! :-D
So anyhoo, I'm sure she's even more excited than I am (or not, who knows ;) ). My parents are already down there. They left on Tuesday, but I didn't feel like missing a whole week of work (read: $300), so I stayed and am flying out today. We will spend the weekend together in San Francisco and then drive back to Oregon on Monday and Tuesday (15 hours of torture). So I'm missing 2 days of work, but hopefully I will be refreshed and ready for 2.5 more weeks of work before I go back to school!

That's right folks! I go back to school in 3 weeks exactly! SO EXCITED! I miss my friends and I actually MISS SCHOOL. After working for 7 weeks (and 3 more to go), I am so excited to do schoolwork. School is something I can do. I'm good at it. It's my thing. Working with kids = not my calling. Adolescents, young adults, and adults, yes. Kids, no. Bleh.

Ok, enough chatter. Gotta pee before I board for my flight. Love you all!! I will update over the weekend (maybe) and let you know that I haven't purged or cut. NO CUTTING. NO PURGING. NOOOOOO. :-D

Creepy Old Guy

It's been a challenging few days. One main thing to report is that I found Isaac, aka Creepy Old Guy, on Facebook. Have I talked about him before? I don't think I have. Here's the general story.

I was 16 and I went to an underage gay bar with friends one night; my first and last time there. I was sitting by the bar, resting my feet, and this guy came and sat next to me. We started talking, and eventually he gave me his number. I was super flattered, especially because I had really low self-esteem due to my ED and had never had a serious boyfriend before. At this point, I didn't really know/admit to myself that I was gay. So anyway, I texted him the next day. Originally, he claimed to be 21, but after we texted for a bit, he admitted to being 28. This should have been my cue to run away fast, but I didn't for some reason. We started dating, and things quickly progressed, in terms of sexual stuff. At first, I thought it was great. I felt like I was being a grownup and having a real relationship. But of course, I didn't tell any of my friends that I was dating him, because I knew they would say that I shouldn't do it.

After only a little while of dating, maybe two or three weeks, he started to tell me that he loved me, that we should get married someday, that he wanted to follow me to college, etc. I thought that it was kind of creepy and  sketchy, but I went with it because I didn't know what else to say. I felt like I had to reciprocate, because isn't that what adults do? Now I know better, but my 16-year-old self wasn't as smart as my 21-year-old self. Around the same time that he started getting creepy, I started to get tired of doing the sexual stuff that he wanted. We didn't have official intercourse, in case you were curious. But I didn't want to do it anymore, whatever it was. However, I thought that if people loved each other (I had convinced myself that I did love him), then they did what the other partner asked. He said things like, "If you loved me, you would...." so that I would do what he wanted. He didn't use force or threats, but it was an unspoken rule that 'no' wasn't really an ok answer. So I never really said no, but I never said yes either, and I didn't want it.

We dated for four months before I finally worked up the courage to break it off. I was really desperate for someone to love me (besides my parents), and that made it hard to dump the only person who said that he loved me. But I knew that it wasn't a healthy relationship, so I ended it. After that, I realized that I was really messed up because of what he did. I would drive by his street and hyperventilate and have flashbacks. I would see someone who looked slightly like him and freak out. When I got to college, I was hypervigilant because he had said that he would follow me to college, and I was paranoid that he really would. This was five years ago now, and I still have flashbacks. I can't do certain sexual activities because I get flashbacks or they remind me of him. My ex helped with that a bit, but you can't undo everything in a short period of time.

So yes, that's Isaac. After we broke up, I broke off all contact. I unfriended him on Myspace and deleted all the pictures of him, etc. But every so often, I wondered what he was up to, if he was victimizing any other underage girls. So I would look for him, but I was never able to find him again. Until now. I randomly decided to look again on Monday, and I found him. As soon as I saw his picture, I felt a jolt go through my body, and I knew. I knew it was him, even though he has more facial hair now, and he looks older. I guess he's 33 now... weird. Since I found him, I can't stop looking! I think that part of me thinks if I look at his picture enough, I will desensitize myself, and it won't bother me as much. I don't know if that's true, but whatever. Whatever the cause, I need to stop looking. NOT GOOD!

The good news is that he lives in Texas now, not Oregon or Wisconsin, so I don't have to worry about running into him. For the longest time, I was super paranoid that I would see him somewhere. The bad news is that now I have a very real face to put on my fuzzy memories, which makes them more vivid and distressing. But that's ok; I needed to face them anyway, right? I'll be fine :)

So that's my big thing for the week. There is more, but this post is SUUUUPER long now, so I'll talk to you all later! <3

BLARG

Ok, so here's what happened last night. After I blogged, I was texting Isabel (or was that before... idk), and after I texted her about what I was confused about, she didn't text back for like two hours. During that time, shit went down. I convinced myself that no one liked me and I was a horrible person. I thought about the rape and abuse a lot, and that was bad, of course. I struggled for about an hour with thoughts about self-injury. It got to the point where I was all ready, razor out, watch off my wrist, tissues within reach. No bandaids. That's what I forgot. Spent at least 20 minutes fighting with myself. Finally, after swearing for a minute, I texted a friend. Help. As soon as I did that, it felt like I had won, and I was able to put everything away and distract myself with a movie. So that's the good news :)

Around midnight, just as I was deciding to go to sleep, Isabel called me. What our conversation comes down to is this: she didn't have feelings for me until we restarted our hooking up in April. And she didn't really admit them to herself until now. So basically, she has feelings for me but loves her boyfriend, and even if we see each other, nothing can happen. Which I kind of knew already, but it's sad to hear it. I kind of feel like I've been dumped, even though a) I already knew that nothing would come of our relationship, and b) we weren't dating or anything. Wow, I'm lame. I also feel really responsible for the whole situation. I was the one who initiated the restarting in April. I knew that it was a really bad idea for me, and I knew that I would get hurt, but I decided to do it anyway. But I figured that she was the kind of person who could have friends-with-benefits relationship and not get hurt. Oops. I have never seen this kind of relationship end well. Ever. I should have known better. I feel like it's my fault, even though she spent a good 30 minutes trying to convince me otherwise last night. Oh well.

So that's that. Nothing much to report about today. I have been watching TV, doing laundry, and thinking about doing some research. Grrr. I'm just so angry with myself. That's basically my mood for the day: frustrated and angry at myself.
<3 you all.

I am so confused

The red thing is a heart, and the other thing (holding the leash) is a brain. Get it?

I have been reading Isabel's blog (you know, my make out buddy), and it's confusing me. She just gave me the link, and I've been reading posts she wrote about me in October, November, January, April, etc. I guess I have been thinking that she has feelings for me too, since she claims to miss me a lot. But maybe I've been wrong all along. I mean, duh, she's in love with her boyfriend! They are probably going to get married! I just need to get over it. I need to move on, because this isn't healthy. I've been deceiving myself for way to long. Come on, Liz, get with it! Be realistic. You have no chance with this girl, and it's time to let go. Accept the fact that even if you do see her again, it doesn't matter; it's still the same situation as it was.

Other than that realization, things have been normal. I'm super glad that work is over for the week; only four weeks to go! My kids were super cute this week because they were 1st graders. One of the little girls kissed a little boy, and they ended up trying to hold hands and be near each other all week. It was totally adorable, but it wasn't necessarily appropriate for camp, so we had to have a talk about keeping our mouths to ourselves (lol). SO CUTE!

I have had my rape on my mind a lot this week. I've been doing a lot of work around it in therapy, and I have homework for therapy that keeps me thinking about it outside of my session. Plus I had coffee with this friend (that I mentioned in my last post, let's call her Amy) and we pretty much talked about our experiences with rape the whole time. So I've been thinking about it and having memories about it (and my sexual abuse experience too) this whole week. It pretty much sucks. I DO NOT want to be thinking about this. I want to cut. Right now. Really bad. THIS SUCKS.
That's all.

Updates! On really old stuff too.

I haven't cut myself, which is good. My period is coming to an end, and I think the hormones are letting up. I was not a raging bitch at work on Thursday (on Wednesday, I was a crazy person) and Friday was a good day. Yesterday (Sunday) I was a bit bitchy, but that was for good reasons. First, my dad got freaked out at me for eating some whipped cream (his words were, "Stop eating that! Save some for the rest of us!"), when he didn't even want me to buy it in the first place! I was already a little emotional before that happened, because the church message was about forgiving those who have hurt you, and of course my mind went straight to Morgan and Isaac (the two people who have sexually assaulted/abused me). Crying in church sucks.

But anyway, after I recovered from my anger at my dad, I went shopping. Yay for 4th of July sales! I was trying to get to a specific shopping center, but I didn't know where it was and I forgot to ask the parents before I left. So after calling them 10 times and being convinced that they'd been murdered while I was gone, I spent 30 minutes driving aimlessly around the same area before finally finding it. But the good news is that I got a beautiful shirt for only $10! Of course, my parents were not dead when I got home, but I was still pretty angry with them. I hid out in my room for a while, and felt better.

On a completely different note, I realized that I never ended the best friend saga! If you look at these posts: one, two, three, four, and five, you'll see the crazy saga of my best friend Jamie and our epic fights. Some of the posts also include conflicts with my other friend Dana, but mostly this is about Jamie. Sooo, now that you're all caught up, here's what happened: Jamie and I got in another HUGE fight at the beginning of May. It was Jamie's birthday, and we took her out to dinner. Or rather, she forced us to go to an expensive place with her. I didn't get her a card or anything, because she had said that she didn't want anything. Plus I forgot. She seemed cool with that.

Then I found out that my paternal grandmother died, and I told Jamie and Dana the next day at dinner. When I told them that, Jamie's only response was, "On my birthday??? That makes it 10x worse!" My response to that was to tell her that she was so incredibly selfish for making this all about her, when really she should be asking how I was doing. She got pissed about that and left. I went to my room and blocked her on Facebook (immature, I know) because I was done. I was just done with our friendship. I was fed up with being abused, mistreated, trampled on, and blamed for everything. Then Jamie came over and yelled at me for not getting her a bday card! Like, seriously? What the hell. When she finished yelling, I told her that I was done. I told her that I couldn't be in this friendship anymore because it made me feel like crap all the time. She said that if she left my room, then we could never speak again. I almost decided to take her back, but thankfully, my better sense kicked in and I kicked her out.

Jamie and I spoke briefly over Facebook message after that, mostly to make sure that neither of us would talk about the other to other friends. Dana and I remained friends, and now we are basically best friends. For real though, not for fake, like with Jamie. We're still working on getting close, like I am with my other friends, but we are WAY closer than Jamie and I ever were.

The reason I thought of this is because I sent Jamie a Facebook message yesterday to wish her a happy summer and 4th of July. I figured that I could still be nice to her, because hating people just sucks. We've been talking a lot during the past 24 hours, and it's nice to be on good terms with her. Yay!

So that's it! I still can't breathe very well from the incident that happened at work (see my last post). If I can't breathe tomorrow, I am reporting it to my supervisor and going to the doctor. I haven't been able to sing in my car! Torture! I also can't do cardio, which is less of a torture, lol.
Oh, also, I've lost weight. Not on purpose, it just happened. I think I've gained muscle and lost fat from all the working out :) Just thought I'd notify you all. It's not much, but people can tell. I've gotten comments.

Sorry this is such a long post! Anyhoo, I gotta go to a lunch with my gramma and parents now! Should be fun :) Love you all!!!! <3

Brainzzzz

I've been doing alright. Since I wrote that last post about being fine and happy, I have been less than fine and happy. I started having flashbacks again, and since I found that razor, I have wanted to cut all the time. I lie in bed at night and think about cutting. I also have been completely unable to sleep until 3 or 4 am for about 3 days straight now. I am just so anxious that I can sit still. It's like the pit of my stomach is rising into my throat, and if I don't move, I might explode or die. Today I am running on 3 hours of sleep, I started my period, I had my stupid filling, and I had a really stressful day at work. And I have a splitting headache that might turn into a migraine (since I'm on my period, I'm expecting one any day now...). Sounds like fun, right?

My filling was actually fine. The worst part was the numbing part, when they stuck a needle into my gum and injected Novocaine. Other than that, it was just really freaky to feel the drill vibrating and hear it. THEY DRILLED INTO MY TOOTH. WTF. But it didn't and doesn't hurt. My jaw is a bit sore, and I chewed my cheek some because I couldn't feel anything, but those are my only complaints. That, and the $100 that it cost. But oh well.

This weekend, I realized how crappy junk food can make you feel. I basically only ate junk all weekend, and I felt like shit. Don't do it. It sucks. It was fun, but don't do it. Since Peri asked, you microwave s'mores by putting a marshmallow in the microwave for about 17 seconds (depending on the microwave, you want it to be squishy, but not explode) and stick it on a graham cracker with chocolate. Magic, s'more! Yay! It is DELICIOUS.

I think my brain is going to fall out. Talk later chicas :)

Weeeeek bleeeeh

Hey! I have officially finished a week of work, and it feels great. I am pretty much hating my job. I like kids, but a) my feet are killing me after a day of work because of my Achilles tendonitis, and b) the kids are fucking crazy. I am so glad it's the weekend, but I am having a hard time imagining how I'm going to get through 9 more weeks of this... My parents are out of town again this weekend, but no fun plans. Last night, and I ate Taco Bell (which I'm not really allowed to have usually, since my parents think I'm fat) and made s'mores in the microwave. DELICIOUS. Then I watched TV until 1 am. I slept till noon today, watched more TV, and I'm about to go see my gramma. We are going to shop for a new recliner for her, have dinner, and see a movie. My gramma is the coolest lady. I love her so much <3


Oh, I should mention that my hamstring is mostly fine (remember, I injured it on Saturday last week). It still bothers me some when I'm on the bike, but I'm taking it slow and trying to be careful.


In other news, I found a razor when I was cleaning my room the other day. I don't quite know what to do with it. I realize I should throw it away, but part of me wants to keep it, just in case. Stupid, I know. I'll probably throw it away this weekend. Bleh.


Also, I found this gem when reading some old journal entries: "Everything sucks balls. Life sucks balls. And that sucks, because I’m gay so I don’t like sucking balls. Lol."
Direct quote there. I am SO COOL. Ahahahaha :)


I'm starting to think that maybe I don't need therapy after all. Here's the thing: I feel good. Yes, I'm stressed out as hell because of my job. Yes, sometimes I feel like shit. Yes, sometimes I feel like self-harming, but I only think about it (briefly) and never do it. But honestly, since I got my medication dose upped, I feel great. I like myself, I'm happy, I laugh more, I don't want to kill my parents. I don't have flashbacks. I'm in therapy because I have flashbacks. And I really don't anymore. And even when I think about that bitch, I don't freak out much. I sure as hell don't forgive her, but I don't have a panic attack when I think about her. If I start thinking about exactly what might have happened, then it gets a little dicey. But otherwise, I'm good. I don't know. I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I guess I'll tell her this stuff, and we'll see how it goes. 


Finally, I have a cavity. I know, big deal. But it's my first one, and I'm freaking out a little bit. I have a filling scheduled for Monday (which, oopsies, is scheduled for 2.5 hours before my therapy appointment... I hope I don't look/talk funny during that). I'm scared! I don't want a filling! I don't want a cavity!! LAME. 


Ok... I have to go. BYE! I hope your weekends are fabulous. Stay awesome. 

Therapy appointment :)

Wazzup? So I had my therapy appointment yesterday (Tuesday). It was pretty good! She seems nice. Her name is Sarah. We mostly talked about all the forms I filled out and my history. She seemed really focused on my cutting, which was weird. I guess it's bad or something. I don't know, I just think of it as normal, I guess. She said that a lot of times, women who self-harm have unresolved pain from their past. That sounds about right for me, so perhaps it is true. I mostly want to work on the stuff surrounding my rape, so she made me tell her what happened. We didn't get all the way through the story, but we did get to the part where I had to say exactly what that bitch did to me. Fuck. I HATE talking about that part. I am very open about everything else, but I am NOT open about a) what she specifically did to my body (or I guess, what she said she did, since I blacked out), and b) what she said happened (see this post for details). I DO NOT want to talk about that, especially to a stranger. It's funny, I have never had a problem telling complete strangers intimate details about myself. But something about my rape (and about my sexual abuse too, now that I think about it) makes me close off. I don't know why.

The other thing she said was that falling down the stairs and hitting your head can cause serious brain damage. She mentioned this because I told her that I fell down the stairs A LOT during the fall semester. I also fell and hit my head against the wall on the night I was raped. I fell down the stairs too that night. I guess I never realized that it was that serious... But anyway. We didn't get very far, but I have another appointment in about 1.5 weeks. I was supposed to schedule it sooner, but my schedule didn't mesh with hers.

This morning I participated in that study that I mentioned in my last post. It was fun! She just asked questions about my blog and stuff. You should all do it! She said that the more people she talks to, the better. She is just fascinated by the online community for people with eating disorders. I am fascinated by it too, so I can relate. I just think it's really cool that I could come here and talk about what I wanted, and people would listen and support me. So thank you, guys. You have no idea how much I appreciate you all and your feedback. I LOVE YOU! <3

Random stuff

I have this irrational fear that I have magically gained 15 pounds in the last week. Which is not humanly possible (or at least, not for me), but I still believe it. And I figured, I should check, right? If I find that I've gained, then I can cut back on the chocolate. And if I'm the same, then it's all good. So I checked. I'm the same. Which is a relief, but I still shouldn't have checked. And it doesn't change the way that I see my body. So that's not good. I need to get some self-esteem, pronto. 

Other than that, things have been pretty good. I read a book on female-on-female sexual violence yesterday. It is the only book that I've found that actually addresses the topic. It's like people don't believe that a woman can sexually assault or batter another woman. Like, come on. Reality check: it happens. It was actually a really good book. Some parts I didn't care about, like the sections on demographics and stuff. But there were stories from survivors that made me feel like I'm not alone. And that was good :)

In other news, I went to the foot doctor on Monday, thinking I had a fungus growing under my toenail (nice, right?). And then after waiting 45 minutes for him, he informs me that, no, it's not a fungus. It's an extremely ingrown toenail and HE HAS TO DO SURGERY ON IT. NOW. FUZZZZZZZ. That's my new swear word. So I am now missing a sliver of my toenail. Permanently missing it, because he said if it grows back, then it will get ingrown again. So he killed the nail bed at that place. WEIRD. It actually doesn't hurt unless I touch it though. I have to soak it and re-bandage it twice per day. I go back in 2 weeks to get him to look at it again. 

I am also trying out contacts again. I wear glasses every day, because I can't see the board in class and stuff like that. But I don't wear them when I go out on the weekends, and I just can't see as well. Which is kind of annoying. My vision isn't that bad, but it's bad enough that I wouldn't recognize you from across the quad until you got a lot closer to me. So this is day two of contacts. I hated them last time, because they dried out my eyes. So far, they are still drying out my eyes a bit. So we'll see...

Also, I activated a free 3 month membership to 24 Hour Fitness today! I guess there was some sort of lawsuit against 24 Hour Fitness last year, and everyone who had a membership during a specific 7 year period got either $20 or a free 3 month membership. So I am officially a member. I mostly want to take the classes. They have spin classes, pilates, and other fun stuff. But I know I need to be careful. 

Ok, that's about it. Update more in a few days! 

First week home

My little sister texted me this evening and said, "Now that you have time to yourself, you should blog more. Pleaseee :)" Which I thought was hilarious, but she's right. I do have a lot more time on my hands, so why not use it to blog? Blogging actually takes more time than you might think. I need at least 30 minutes to write, edit, find a picture, and post the blog. Perhaps some of that time is spent reading other people's blogs too... but you get the idea. So, here goes!

Being home is weird. I like that I have basically nothing to do, but I also really miss a lot of things about school. The main thing I miss is having people to talk to. I really, really miss being able to call up a friend and go to their room to hang out for a bit, or having dinner with a friend in the dining hall. I miss talking. I miss PEOPLE! I've been so deprived that I've taken to having conversations with myself and my cats. Hmm...

I also miss having friends that can come over during a crisis. I have been having bad nights the past week, and I can never get in touch with anyone. I have been having flashbacks and anxiety about my rape (from December). I been texting about 6 friends, but never get a text back because it's 2 am in their time zone. I don't want to call them, mostly because a) I hate disturbing people, and b) my parents might wonder why I'm on the phone. Last night I finally got up the nerve to go on this online hotline thing for rape survivors, which was helpful. I wanted a real friend though.

One thing that I do like about being home is my access to churches and related activities. I tried out a new church this Sunday and liked it pretty well. I'm going to go again this Sunday, and I joined a small group called Core Truths to Build Your Life On, which sounds good and starts on June 8th. I also went to this AMAZING worship night/bible study thing at a different church tonight. It's something that a friend took me to a few times when I was a freshman in college. It's for college-age people and it was super fun. And I made a friend! Perhaps I won't be so alone after all.

In other news, I have been having a little eating disorder trouble this week too. It's difficult being at home, because I get a lot of criticism from my mother about my weight. And even when she doesn't say anything about it, I know what she's thinking. The first few days I was home, I weighed myself every day. Bad move, I know. And of course, my weight went down and I started to get a little obsessed. It's addicting to see that number get lower and lower each day! At that point, my weight was 5 pounds less than it had been a few weeks earlier. And all I could think about was how I could keep in there or lose more. And then I realized what was going on... and stopped. I have the urge to step on the scale every time I go in the bathroom, but I haven't weighed myself in at least 3 days. I can't remember exactly how many days. I also waffle between liking my body and thinking I'm gross, often during the same 5 minutes. And since I've been iffy on liking my body, my eating has been a little messed up and I tend to eat more than I need, just because I am afraid that I won't be able to get more food later. So it's been a little tougher this week than previous weeks, but I think I'm doing alright with it.

Ok, that's enough rambling. I'm sure I've put you to sleep by now. I'll update more later :)

Blah blah blah blah

Sooo... I've been checking my weight and fighting a lot of urges to starve again. But you know the funny thing? I'm eating what I normally do, and I'm losing weight. Not a ton, but I'm almost back to where I was when I was starving. I've lost three pounds since the starving incident on accident. Ha! It does exist! Lol. I'm resisting the impulse to not eat though. Honestly, it's all God. I don't talk much about my faith on this blog, but I know that God is protecting me and I have been asking for his help with the impulses every time they happen. And it works!

In other news, my friend Dana (the other friend involved in the Saturday night incident) tried to tell me that I have an alcohol problem. Like, what? She saw me eating alone yesterday at lunch, and she came to talk to me. We talked a little bit about what had happened Saturday, and then she told me that she thinks I need to watch my drinking and that she's just looking out for me. She had another friend who had to leave the school because of her drinking, and apparently she sees the same stuff in me. I repeat, what? Seriously, if anyone was going to tell me that I had a drinking problem, it would have been last semester, when I was binge drinking to the point of fuzzy memory and blacking out on both days, every weekend. And no one did. Why now?? This semester I have drank a total of 5 times. All five times were with Jamie (my ex-best friend). One time I drank before a show because I was afraid I would freak out during it if I didn't (it was the Vagina Monologues and there are monologues about rape, so I was nervous). The fourth time, two weekends ago, someone called me a slut and alluded to the night I was raped, and I freaked out and ran away from my friends because they weren't being helpful. And then the fifth time was that Saturday incident last weekend. And yes, sometimes I do go over my limits. I'll say I'm going to drink 4 drink and I have 5. Big fucking deal. I don't have a freaking alcohol problem. Do I? What do ya'll think?

Other than that, it's been smooth sailing. This semester is fairly easy. Only 3 classes and very few other commitments  It's nice! So I guess that's it :)

Rape

So I like this show called Veronica Mars. It's basically about this teenage girl whose dad is a private investigator, and she helps him investigate crimes/investigates stuff for her friends. I love this show. I am on season 3, which is the last season, and I really want to see how it ends.

Here's my issue: there is so much rape in this show, it's not even funny. I want to be strong, and pretend that seeing girls on this show after they've been raped doesn't affect me, but that's not true at all. It was alright in the last two seasons because rape was only mentioned a few times, but this season is all about Veronica finding out who this serial rapist is. Can I really handle rape in every episode for a whole season? I'm on episode 2 and I don't know if I can handle it.

I don't know what to do. I just want to be a better person. I want to be a strong person. I want to be a person who doesn't get affected by things like this. Just because I was raped, doesn't mean I have to freak out whenever it is mentioned, right?

Uuuug.

Blah

Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah.

That's how I feel recently. Uuuuuug. I'm just tired and unmotivated and blah. I wrote in my last post that I was feeling a bit better, but no more. Bleeeeeeeehhhhh. Sorry, I just want to keep typing that. I'm supposed to be writing a paper, but I really could care less. I don't want to get a bad grade in the class (and by bad grade I mean a B), but I don't freaking care about this paper. I really don't care if language is a cyborg technology or not. Shoot me now.

I'm having this thing where I don't want to die (actively) but I don't really want to be here either. I've had this before. I just want to go to sleep one night and never wake up. Just chill forever. Sooooo tired. Sometimes I care about stuff, but lots of times I don't. I still care about the big stuff: friends, college, graduate school. But not the little stuff: homework, sleeping, food. I keep losing my appetite too, which never happens to me.

My therapist is unhelpful. I don't care about her anymore. I just want to stop seeing her. I know I haven't met my "treatment goals," but I don't give a rat's ass about them either. I'm just bored, and I feel like I'm wasting my time. I think we're not a good match. I know that I'm still screwed up, but she's not particularly helpful on that account. I need some antidepressants to add to my mood stabilizer, but that requires my prescriber and I can't see her. Just have to wait till the middle of May.

That whole rape thing is still bothering me too. I freaked out on Saturday because three different people, one book, and on TV show all talked about rape. I was up until 4 am crying. I'm so tired of this stuff. I just want to be freaking normal.

That's all.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ok, so I thought I'd do an update post. Sometimes I post something and then forget that ya'll don't live in my head and know what happened with it. To start with, I found out that Mary (my crush from this post) doesn't like me. I didn't ask, but I figured it out. It's ok, though, because now I can move on. I think it was more that I wanted to know. I probably didn't like her as much as I thought I did.

On another, related note, I am not defective! I was worried in my last post that I would be fucked up forever (sexually and emotionally) from what happened. But, I'm not. I had a nice, stress-free, pressure-free encounter with a man that I've hooked up with before, and I was completely fine. He wanted to hook up (by hook up, I mean make-out and take our shirts off, not sex), but I didn't really want to, or I wasn't sure if I wanted to. But I invited him over anyway, and I told him that we could just talk. But once he was at my room (and he knows what happened and is totally understanding and supportive), I decided to go for it. It was completely fine and he was totally nice and kept checking to see if I was alright. So it was great! I'm glad that I can be with someone and not freak out. However, any farther than kissing and touching and I would probs freak.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm sort of questioning if I'm really an alcoholic. I miss drinking :( That sounds bad, I know. But think about it. I had a really horrible time last semester, and I was drinking a lot to make myself feel better. I was also in the middle of a bipolar episode, and that explains my excessive drinking. Before last semester, I wasn't a crazy drinker. I could stop and start when I wanted to. I was in total control. I was fine. So I think that last semester was just a fluke, and if I'm healthier, then I should be able to drink in a healthier way too. But I don't know. I want to talk to my therapist and see what she thinks. But the reason I'm thinking about this is that my friend and I were talking and decided that maybe I should just try to drink again (in moderation) and see what happens. We talked about just buying 3 beers each, and drinking ONLY three beers each, and then going dancing. No more than that. And then see what happens. But again, I don't know. We'll see what I think about it and what my therapist says.

Ok, enough talking. I'm so tired. I must sleep.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....