Blahdeblahdeblah

(I took this picture in my friend's car. Pretty great, right?)

Again, sorry for the long hiatus. I can't seem to blog regularly, can I?

Picking up where I left off in my last post! I did end up quitting my last therapist. Ugg. So that's three therapists that I've tried and failed to click with. (Not including the two that I saw at Student Health! Am I missing something here?). But on a whim, (and with some encouragement from my psychiatrist and some friends), I started seeing another therapist. I was very skeptical of her, because she is part of a Christian counseling agency, which is based out of a church. The church is relatively conservative, and I was worried that I might be judged for my sexual orientation. But so far, things are good. I think I've seen her three or four times, and I really, really like her. Last week, she had me make a timeline of my life. Which was ridiculously intense but also very interesting. So we've been exploring that. I'm hopeful that this therapist will actually help me!

Changing the subject. So you guys know that I have migraines. Or you do now. Since starting the Wellbutrin in March, they have been getting more frequent, and I'm having about 2 per week now. Which is really annoying. I have a prescription for Imitrex, which stops them once they start. And I can usually catch them before they get too bad. But still, annoying. So I was at Student Health anyway and I asked my doctor if we could do anything to prevent my migraines. I remembered that when I was taking Lamictal in 2010/2011 for mood stabilization, that my migraines totally disappeared. Well, for some reason, he decided that Lamictal wasn't the right drug (even though it had worked in the past... so okay...) and he decided to start me on Topamax.
He didn't warn me about any side effects, and I figured that if anything was dangerous or scary, he would tell me. WRONG. The six days that I was taking Topamax, and the 5 days that it took to get it out of my system, were the worst days of my life. Seriously. Here are the side effects that I experienced (all of which are relatively common):

• Fatigue (actually, constant exhaustion, no matter how much sleep I got)
• Upset stomach, nausea, loss of appetite (resulting in me stopping eating for about a week; I'm just now eating again)
• Weight loss (I lost a significant amount of weight in a very short period of time, without trying)
• Taste changes (soda tasted like ass)
• Feeling of pins and needles in my fingertips
• Dry eyes
• Extreme thirst (I am drinking SO MUCH WATER)
• Slowed motor functioning/reaction time (which made driving a little scary)
• Cognitive and memory impairments (forgetting words, forgetting how to spell, not being able to remember a sentence long enough to write it down, feeling stupid all the time)
• Decreased attention span (aka Liz had temporary ADD)
• Anxiety and panic attacks
• Generally feeling like I was losing my mind

I have never felt so terrible in my entire life. I thought I was going to die. I felt so unlike myself. It was like I was a totally different person for 1.5 weeks! Awful. Never take this drug, if you can avoid it. It is used for migraines, seizures, and mood stabilization. 

Other than that, things are okay. Life chugs on. I finished summer classes last week, and I start my fall classes on August 27th. Yay. I am so tired of school. 

I'll try to write more later. I worked 11 hours today and I have to work again at 8am tomorrow, so I should probably sleep. Love you all! 

So sick and tired.

I am so tired of all of this stuff. Can I please, dear God please, just be who I am and not be hated?

Let me start over. I am part of a Christian group at my grad school. In case you didn't know, I am a strong Christian and it is an extremely important part of my life. I am also gay. I like girls, and very occasionally boys. But since it is very rare that I will like a boy (as more than a friend), I find it easier to say that I'm gay. Plus people seem to hate bisexuals, but that's another story.

This Christian group that I'm part of, called JSJ, is currently embroiled in a discussion about its beliefs about homosexuality. We are semi-affiliated with an organization called Intervarsity, which does not allow homosexuals to be in leadership. But we are fully affiliated with our school, which is a school of social work, which does not allow its groups to discriminate against people because of their sexuality. Therefore, we are being forced to take a stance on homosexuality, and either affiliate with our school or with Intervarsity.

As the only homosexual member of the JSJ leadership team, this issue affects me personally. And I am freaking sick of it. Can't I just be who I am, and be a normal member of society, and not have to think about all of this? I hate it when controversy centers around me. This is horrible.

I can't really blame people for their beliefs. About two months ago, I believed that homosexuality was sinful as well, and I was trying to "repent of my sin." But I just couldn't do it, and I didn't think it was healthy or right for me. Obviously, I also have evidence from the Bible and other Christian theologians that suggests that I am not sinning by being gay. I don't take this decision lightly. So now I am trying to accept myself for who I am, but this is extremely difficult, since other people don't accept me. And NO, I am not going to stop being a Christian or believing in God, simply because some people aren't accepting of me. So don't even try that one on me. I just wanted to express my frustration with the whole thing, in this safe format.

So that's it. That's my main thing right now. I have also just started my second semester of grad school, which adds another layer of stress to my life.

Love you guys. Take care <3>

I HATE SOCIAL SERVICES

I am so freaking fed up with the Social Services people here. Let me start at the beginning, and you can share in the immense frustration that I am feeling right now.

I applied for food stamps about a month and a half ago. For those of you who don't know, food stamps are government assistance to help you buy food. You apply for benefits, and if you qualify (i.e. you are poor enough and other random-ass qualifications are met), they give you free money for groceries. I applied and never heard back... until I got a random letter in the mail saying that I had missed my scheduled interview and was required to interview with them by November 9th or lose my eligibility. And I was like, "Um, I never scheduled an interview, so how could I have possibly missed it?" I called my case worker, but she was unreachable and I kept getting redirected to other phone lines. So I finally went down to the office, which was a pain in the butt and took three hours total. I interviewed with another woman (not my case worker), who took all of my income verification and other stuff, and told me that I would qualify. She asked me to mail my last few pay stubs to them, to verify that my income was steady. She wanted pay stubs from September and October. When I arrived home, I realized that I didn't have any pay stubs from September, because I was unemployed then. So I mailed the other pay stubs to my case worker, with a note saying that I didn't have any from September.

Then about a week ago, I got a letter with my brand new EBT (food stamps) card and my pin number, and found out that I had been approved for $140 per month of benefits. Yay! I was so excited! Grocery shopping has never been more fun!

But THEN I got this ridiculous letter in the mail from Social Services yesterday saying:
"Based on information reported to us, your food stamps benefits have been closed effective 11/30/12 because: requested verification was not provided."
What the fuck.
What fucking verification did you request?
I don't know what they want from me! I just want my freaking free money! And because the office is virtually unreachable by phone, I would have to go back down there again, to sort this all out. I don't have time for this! I don't have transportation! This is such bullshit.

I am annoyed in general, because this is a waste of my time, but I am also annoyed at the system. Think about this: what if I was not a student of social work, but a single mother working three jobs to stay afloat? Would I have time to go down to the social services office twice, missing almost a whole day of work, to get these food stamps benefits? I think not. This is so messed up; the people who these food stamps should be benefiting are unable to get them, because of how screwed up the system is! This is unbelievable.

GRR.

Life... is interesting...

I didn't make this, but it describes exactly how I feel...

Oh gosh you guys... I miss the days when school was easy and I had a life. I am officially seven weeks into the semester now, and it is HARD. Classes are starting to get crazier. The school atmosphere is interesting, at best. I'm am stressed as hell. Life is difficult.

So, the school atmosphere. I knew that social work school would be liberal, but I was hoping for acceptance too. Not the case. Social work students in general are pretty intolerant of Christianity. And if you mention religion in class, then you are attacked. Especially if you mention a conservative viewpoint, which I tend to do. So I'm just getting used to being on guard all the time. I feel like I'm always tensed and ready for the next attack on my beliefs. Fun times.

My classes are super hard and there is a TON of reading. I have a big assignment due for at least one class, every week, until the end of the semester. I can't wait for the end of the semester. I am just tired of being tired.

My mood has been up and down. I'm not depressed. I was homesick for a while, but not depressed. Now I am mostly just anxious and stressed. Which has led to... you guessed it: cutting. I have been cutting myself every few days (or every day) for a few weeks now. So that's not good. I am currently in the apathetic stage, in which I don't care about my body and what I'm doing to it. I'm moving into the 'fighting back' stage though, which is good, because then I'll start to fight my urges instead of giving into them.

I actually went to see a counselor at Student Health last week. I am training to be a social worker, so I'd like to fix my own issues first. I don't want my issues interfering with my work with clients. The counselor told me that he doesn't think that he can provide the level of care that I need. He basically said that I need long-term counseling, and that I'm not as "fixed" as I thought. I had somehow deluded myself into thinking that I was doing pretty well. And I am, considering all of thing things that I've been through. But I guess self-harm is alarming to other people. It just seems normal to me, honestly. When you have been hurting yourself for nine years (yes, that long... scary, right?), and the longest you've ever gone without hurting yourself is four months (and that was only one time), I guess it's natural to think that this is normal. But if I have a friend who is doing it... then of course I am concerned. Double standard, anyone?

So anyway, that was a slap in the face. I am considering seeing an outside counselor though. I do really want to fix my issues. I DO NOT want to still be cutting in two years, when I am done with my Master's and starting to get my license. NO NO NO. I will NOT be like this in two years!!! This is a promise. The only issue with seeing an outside counselor is that I have to tell my parents... because they will see in on insurance. Ugg. That will be a fun conversation.

So wish we luck with everything. I would really like to stop cutting. I would also like to be less stressed, but still get everything done. (Haha). I love you guys, okay? You are wonderful.

Oh summer...

Ugg, you guys, my summer is not going the way I want it to so far. My room still isn't fully unpacked, even though I got home three weeks ago. Here is what it looked like last week:

And here is what it looks like now:

Better, but not great. There are still crazy piles of stuff everywhere, and this doesn't even show you the mess in the bathroom! So that's annoying, and it's freaking me out. As a clean person, it makes me anxious to have such a mess. But I just have NO motivation to clean it! I don't understand! It's like finishing college made me lose my motivation for anything.

Speaking of college, I am officially a college graduate! I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, departmental honors and summa cum laude :) It was really sad to leave all my friends behind, but I am glad to be moving forward with my life. I loved my school while I was there, but I needed to leave. Luckily, some of my friends live in Oregon or St. Louis, so I will see them again! Speaking of St. Louis, I leave for graduate school on August 17th! Orientation starts August 20th and classes start August 28th. I'm super pumped. I also have an apartment and a roommate! Her name is Chloe (not her real name, for privacy reasons) and she is 25. She will also be a 1st year student in the social work program. She has a deposit on a great apartment that is a 20 minute walk from campus, 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, washer and dryer in the unit. The price is decent, and my parents are helping, so we can make it work. I'm super excited to start my new life in St. Louis! 2.5 months, baby.

I haven't started my summer job yet, but I will be working at the science museum that I worked at last summer. I start June 18th, and I'm doing aftercare again. I will work 12-6 pm every day. I hope that this is the summer that I will finally prove that I am an adult, that I can control my emotions around the kids, and that I can make a good impression on my supervisors. Man, I am not cut out for working with kids...

Food and body image sucks. I can't seem to get my chocolate consumption under control. I'm still at my highest weight ever, and it sucks balls. I really dislike my body, and because of that, I have wanted to hurt myself for the first time since I stopped taking my meds. Not cool! Of course, it was a very small urge and I didn't act on it. I just really want to be healthier, but I'm having a hard time doing it. I'm tired of being fat and lazy, and I just want to be a normal person.

Finally, the last big thing happening in my life is that my cat is sick :( Her name is Meg, and she and her sister Ginny are my kitties. They grew up in my room, and I am their mommy. She started losing a lot of weight in the last few weeks, and I didn't notice right away, because I just figured that I was making it up. But my dad noticed this weekend, and we took her to the vet on Monday. A few years ago, she weighed 11 pounds, and now she weighs 8 pounds (or she did on Monday). We found out from the vet that she had a fever, she was really dehydrated, and her kidneys were swollen and lumpy. They took blood and urine samples, and found that she has a bladder infection. However, they don't think that this is the cause of her weight loss. They gave us some oral antibiotics, which made her throw up, so they had to give her an antibiotic shot. Tomorrow, if she is not significantly better, she may need an ultrasound to figure out what's wrong with her kidneys. I am taking her in first thing in the morning so they can assess her and give her IV fluids. I am super worried that she won't be much better, and my parents don't want to pay for the ultrasound. I don't want my kitty to die!! I am praying that she gets a lot better overnight and the antibiotic shot will fix her. She seems a little perkier already, and she ate food and drank water without throwing up tonight. I'll let you know what happens. Here are some cute pictures of her:

She is so cute! I love her so much <3

Last thing: my friend is doing okay (you know, from the last post). Of course, suicidality doesn't just go away, so I am still praying for her, and I encourage you to do the same. She is an amazing person, and I definitely want to see her live :)

Drowning

Sooo... this weeks seems to be sucking more than last week. I have cried three times in the last twenty-four hours. I am just so burnt out. I keep going and going and going, but I'm not the Energizer Bunny and I can't go on forever. At some point, very soon, I will not be able to get back up again. I'm just so very tired. So very tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Everything seems like a struggle and I want to cry when I think about all of the things on my to-do list. And I don't even get a break. Every time I finish something, something else crops up. I am mostly finished with my thesis proposal and my grad school apps, but now it's time to think about final projects and papers and exams for my classes. It never ends. If this is what graduate school is like... I'm not going to make it! There's no way. I'm scared and I'm tired and I just can't do this anymore. I feel like I'm drowning, and I can't swim much longer before I start to sink.

Shuffling, every day I am

It's crazy that I haven't blogged in so long! It's been like 12 days! I'm so sorry, I have just been CRAAAAZY busy. The last two weeks are a blur. Let's start at the beginning. I've had a TON of stuff to do for graduate school applications. I wrote two personal statements in two days, and then another a few days later. Sleeping hasn't been happening much... I generally get 3-4 hours of sleep per night, but this week I had a period of 65 hours when I didn't sleep at all. I pulled two all-nighters, for a total of almost three days no sleep. It was super intense, and horribly exhausting (although kind of exhilarating at the same time!). I just had so much work with grad school stuff, homework, and thesis, that sleeping didn't happen. So yah, that was my last week.

Last weekend, I went to an amazing conference in Green Lake, Wisconsin. It was the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship Fall Conference (aka CrossTraining). It was an awesome weekend! My track (class, basically) was called On Campus, On Purpose and it was just basics for living life as a Christian on a college campus. Kind of silly for me, since I'm a senior, but it was also good because I'm going to a difference campus for graduate school, and it had some basic stuff that I never knew about. There was some stuff about evangelism, some stuff about making sure that God is the leader of your life (not other things, like money or grades), and LOTS of worship! That's the best part :) It was an incredible weekend, and I want to go back!

So yah... that's pretty much been the last two weeks. I am hoping that this week will involve more sleep (hahaha yah right) and less crazy. Oh, and I haven't cut in over a week! I haven't really wanted to that much either :) My eating has been pretty much fine too.

Well, have a wonderful Sunday, everyone, and a great week! <3

Hello! I'm sorry it's been so long... almost two weeks. I've been avoiding blogging, partially because of so much freaking homework and partially because of shame. Sometimes I feel like I can't write on here because there are so many people in real life who read it now. Don't get me wrong: I like having people read this. I love that I don't even have to say anything, because the people in my life already know what's going on. Especially since I NEVER see anyone anymore. I only see people if they are a) eating a meal with me, or b) doing homework with me. SAD. But sometimes I feel like if I post something bad, I will get a flurry of phone calls and texts as soon as people read it. It's a catch 22.

So here's the scoop: I've been cutting again. Oops. I don't even remember why I started. It was probably about a week and a half ago, maybe slightly less. And I've been cutting a lot, pretty much every day. I haven't cut in a few days now though :) I think a lot of it is stress. I am just so overwhelmed with everything. Homework, graduate school stuff, sorority stuff, thesis stuff. I think I'm just psyching myself out too. I get freaked out, I start thinking I can't do it, I start beating myself up because I'm a stupid idiot who can't do anything right, I'm a failure, no one loves me (not true, I know), I suck at life. Rational me realizes that most of this is false, but in-the-moment me thinks it's all true.

The other day, a friend today me that I had betrayed her confidence. I didn't even remember what she was talking about, because it was a long time ago, but it hurt me so much that I had hurt her. I hated myself. I still hate myself for that. I need to not talk about other people. It's a bad habit and I need to stop. But that whole situation was triggering too...

Ok, this is depressing. Sorry! Happy things: It's fall break right now, which is awesome! I have been sleeping in till 11 am every day. On Sunday, my best friend and I watched Castle (a TV show) all day and didn't do any homework. Today I worked on my graduate school applications and personal statement. Uggg. It sucked, but I have a page! That's better than this morning, so that's a victory right there. Tomorrow I should make more progress and I will have it finished by the end of the week. Yay! After break, things will speed up again, and I will get super stressed out/not sleeping much again. I hope this week is a good break, because crazy is coming back soon...

Well, I'm wiped out. I'm going to sleep :) Love you all!

FREEEEEEEEE

Hey :) I'm doing quite a bit better than my last post. I continued to not sleep last week, and part of this week (oops...). But tonight, I will sleep some! I am back home from the Psych Ward (aka the psychology lounge) and it's before 1 am!! That's pretty amazing, let me tell you. Now that my thesis research is done and I've moved on to the methods and such, things are getting a lot easier. But I don't want to get cocky: things could get a lot harder tomorrow. I still have hard classes, and things are about to get a little tougher because midterms are next week... I think I have two. Ew.

Other than school.... oh wait, there is nothing else. Just kidding! Here's something else incredible: I have stopped taking pain medication. Some background: I have chronic Achilles tendonitis, which causes me to be in pain all day, every day. Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse. Walking sucks. Sitting sometimes sucks. Standing really sucks. So I take a lot of ibuprofen. I also get headaches every day. And because of these two combined pain factors, I take A LOT of pain medication. I usually take at least 4 ibuprofen per day, and if that doesn't work for my headache, I will take Excedrin or something else. I am the queen of pain medication. I have a stash on me at all times. I also get migraines, but that's not as related to this.

Something to note: NSAIDs are super bad for you in large quantities. They can damage your liver, give you ulcers, and KILL YOU. BADDDDDD.

So the point is that I am basically dependent on NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs). And when you take NSAIDs like ibuprofen for headaches at least once daily for years, you get these things called rebound headaches. It's kind of like caffeine withdrawal. The original cause of the headache is no longer present, and eventually you are just treating the ibuprofen withdrawal headache. I know that I have these, but it's scary going off all pain medications! Well, NSAIDs. But I decided that enough is enough. I have to take care of myself for once! So I stopped taking them five days ago... and all hell broke loose. Day 1 wasn't too good, but I could handle it. Regular headache. Days 2 and 3: migraines almost all day, both days. Around 2 or 3 pm on both days, it hit me like a truck. I got almost no homework done this weekend. BUT... after day 3, nothing bad! On day 4, I had a small headache but it went away (which NEVER happens- I have to take pain meds to make headaches go away EVERY TIME). And today was day 5: NO HEADACHE AT ALL. WHAAAAAAT??!!? So weird! I am not used to not hurting. Of course, my Achilles tendons hurt, but whatever. They always hurt.

So that's great! It's nice to be free from pain meds, or at least almost free. I don't know if the migraines will pop back up later this week. Taking migraine medication is fine though, because it's not an NSAID. But yah, that's pretty much it. I got ridiculously drunk the weekend before last... don't remember much. I also drank last weekend, but it was controlled-ish. My friend got suuuuper sick, so that sobered me up pretty quick.

I don't know what else! Love you all <3

Zombie

So I guess the last time I posted was a week ago. It's been a really, really, really long week. I feel like each day is a week in itself, yet I never seem to get anything done. And I am so so tired all the time. I'm sleeping an average of 4 hours per night. I might have been averaging 6 hours per night during the first week of classes, but it's been pretty consistently 4 or 5 hours averaged since then. I'm a zombie. I'm an emotional wreck because I'm so tired. I'm overwhelmed by all the things I need to get done in the next three weeks. I cry a lot. My hands shake more than usual and my handwriting is getting significantly worse because of that. My stress level is through the roof.

Basically, I need a break. But I don't have time for one. I don't even have time to be writing this.

I'm just so burnt out already. I am officially a quarter through with the semester, and I'm already dead. It feels like finals week, but it's not. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the semester. I still have to apply to graduate school too.

I was seriously considering self-injury last night, because I know that it helps me relax. Isn't that sad, that I consider hurting myself over school work?

Guys, I'm not going to make it. I'm scared.

Well that sucks

Oh guys... I don't even know what to say. I am swamped with homework and stressed. I am sleeping less than is desirable. Sometimes I get breaks, but they are usually unplanned and they make me feel stressed because I should be doing homework. Thesis... grr...

On another note. As you'll notice, I took down the "Time since last purge" and "Time since last self-injury" sidebars. I need to stop counting. I had a conversation with a friend today that made me realize that I'm an all-or-nothing type of person. I mean, I knew that already. But I feel like when I count things, like how many days I have resisted purging, I am making it all or nothing. And if I mess up, then it's all over, and it doesn't even matter anymore. So I am going to *try* to stop counting, and start celebrating successes and PROGRESS, rather than numbers of days.

Speaking of messing up... I messed up. I was in class yesterday and I totally screwed up a comment I was making. I basically interpreted a quote to mean the exact opposite of what it actually meant. Which doesn't sound that bad, but I feel like I'm doing a horrible job in that class anyway. It intimidates me and makes me feel inadequate. But the point is, I was really, really embarrassed and distressed. Automatic reaction? Hurt self. I didn't even think about it. I just did. (Let's back up a bit. When I was younger, before I knew what self-injury was, I used to dig my nails into the sides of my body when I had my arms crossed across my chest. I just knew that it helped me calm down if I felt distressed or punish myself if I thought I needed it. I mostly used it in dance class.) I haven't dug my nails into my skin in quite a while, but I did. And after the automatic reaction, I realized what I was doing, and didn't stop. Now, I could say that this doesn't count, because I didn't actually cut myself with a blade or anything and I didn't leave any lasting marks, but as I was discussing with that friend, it's the intent that matters. I intended to hurt myself. Therefore, it is self-injury. Unfortunately. I have no idea how many days I was up to, but I guess they're gone now...

BUT I'm trying to move on. Numbers are way, way too important to me. Days since ____, grades, weight, etc. I have a number obsession. So goodbye, numbers. I know that it will be a struggle to see them go, but I really can't keep obsessing over them. It's detrimental to my life, and I need to stop.

That's kind of all that has been happening. I seriously don't do anything besides eat, sleep (sometimes), go to meetings, go to class, and do homework. I hope you guys are having a better week than me. The whole messing-up thing kind of put a damper on my good mood.

Finally able to blog!

I'm sorry it's been so long! I have been trying to blog since I got back to school, but it hasn't been working. First, my internet was totally down. I couldn't connect with an ethernet cord (plugged into the wall) or through wireless. So I finally got it fixed on Monday, but was suuuuper busy because of classes starting. So on Tuesday, I was going to blog, but my newly fixed internet was screwed up again. And since then, every night between 9 pm and 1 am, I can't get online. I think my wireless router is really old (like 3 years, which isn't that much, but whatever) and it can't handle all the traffic. Everyone on campus is doing homework between those times, so the system gets overloaded. Which sucks, because that's when I do homework too! I guess I'll have to go somewhere else if I need the internet for homework during those times. But anyhoo, I literally haven't been able to blog until tonight, because during the day I am too busy and at night I have no internet.

Soooo, school started again! Classes began on Tuesday. But let's back up a bit. I left for school on Saturday morning and met my friend Isabel at the airport in Chicago, since she lives there now. We took the bus to my school together, because she wanted to visit. She stayed with my until Tuesday afternoon.

So remember how she realized how she had feelings for me and we decided to just be friends, because she has a boyfriend, so we can't be more than friends? See this post. Well, we fail at that. I was prepared to be just friends, even though I was wishing that we weren't, and that didn't happen. We ended up doing non-friend stuff, but nothing explicit like making out. Just long, long hugs and snuggling and such. We talked about it, and I'm still not sure what we are going to do, because she will probably come to visit again... I can't do this anymore. We either need to be friends, or more than friends. We can't go back and forth! It's very confusing. My brain is lost.

I know that all sounded negative, but it was really nice to have her here. I LOVED seeing her again. I missed her so much! As a friend and as more. We had lots of fun together and it was really cool to have her staying with me. When she left, it felt super weird to have an empty room, because she had been here since I moved in. I miss her again already!! :-(

Besides that, I've just been having classes. And let me tell you, senior year is going to SUCK. I like my classes so far (or mostly, I guess), but there is SO MUCH READING. I am taking Advanced Social Psych, History and Systems of Psych (required for graduation...), and intro to art history. And my thesis, of course, but it's not an actual class period. All of my classes have an insane amount of reading, especially art history. I literally spent four or five hours reading the chapters that were assigned for today. AHHH!! It's not that interesting either. I'm taking it because I need another class outside of my major to graduate. But yes, I suddenly understand why the seniors last year seemed to live in the science building. It's because they had so much work to do that they could never leave! I think the science center will become my home this semester. And I haven't even worked on my thesis in two weeks... I hope this gets better, but I know it will only get worse. But I do like my classes, except art history. So that's the good news.

I guess that's pretty much it... since I've been so busy with school and a bit of sorority stuff, I haven't had time for anything else (not even sleep...). I'm sick right now, probably because of lack of sleep and stress. Just a cold. I feel like crap, so I might go to bed. Or do more homework... blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Love you guys! Have a good weekend!

Goals!

Not much to report here. I have my period, which makes me a raging bitch. Grr! It's funny, when I was on birth control, I had more cramps, longer and heavier periods, but less bitchiness. Off birth control now, and I have less cramps, shorter and lighter periods, but a crapton more bitchiness. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around, at least for the cramps and length and heaviness? Weird.

I've been baking non-stop recently, making tons of cupcakes and brownies for various events and people. I finally found a sub for when I'm gone (cuz I go back to school in a week, so I'm missing the last week of the kid's classes). Thank goodness! I had to offer baked goods, which reeled someone in. Speaking of baked goods, ALL I WANT RIGHT NOW IS CHOCOLATE! PLEASE FEED ME!

Still no let-up in the flashbacks while driving. LAME. I made a new playlist on my iPod for non-triggering songs. Too bad they are mostly lame songs... But on another note, my body. It sucks. I just feel gross and pudgy. I'm back at the weight I was when I was a freshman in college, which was gross. I feel fat in all my clothes and especially fat because I'm bloated from my period. I am really hoping that going back to school will be good for me and my eating. Here are my goals for the semester (food and non-food):

Food Goals (NOT RULES)

• Eat one dessert per day, max.
• Don't drink soda unless I'm out to eat or ordering food on a Sunday night (no dinner is served in the dining halls on Sunday nights, so we have to find our own food). 
• Work out at least twice a week (preferably with my workout buddy!). 
• Avoid obsessing over these goals, food in general, working out, and my body. 
• When going to Walgreens or Walmart, do not get large amounts of chocolate or junk food; pick healthier snacks that would be good for late night hunger. 
• When bored while studying, only eat when actually hungry (shocking, I know!). 

Non-food Goals

• Obsess less over grades and GPA. 
• That being said, try to get good grades and impress professors. 
• Try to convince professors to let me knit in class (I have all new professors/a professor that won't let me knit; tragedy!!!!). 
• Get all my homework done early so that I can either a) get ahead, or b) hang with friends more. 
• Before the semester gets too hard (aka, before spring break), figure out which graduate schools to apply to and write a draft of my personal statement. 

That looks good for now! Ok, there's a cat sleeping on half of my computer, and I have to shower before my therapy appointment. Love you all!

Sometimes

Sometimes I am terrified to go back to school because I don't know what will happen this next semester, whether I will start drinking and hooking up again or if I will be a normal person for once.

Sometimes I feel triggered and I don't know what exactly did it.

Sometimes I do things to intentionally trigger myself, so that maybe it won't be so bad next time.

Sometimes I'm triggered and want to cut so badly that the only thing stopping me is the fact that I'm lazy and don't want to get out of bed.

Sometimes I wish that my rape wasn't so lame; I wish that I could prove it, or at least remember it, and then maybe it would feel more real.

Sometimes I wish that I had my eating disorder back, because it gave me something to focus on and control.

Sometimes I want to sleep for a month.

Sometimes I just want to be a "normal" person who doesn't need drugs or therapy.

Sometimes I hate myself because I feel like I should be better than I am, like I should be a better person, friend, daughter, sister, victim, student, employee, a better everything.

Sometimes I'm happy though. Perhaps more than sometimes :)

Noooooo, stop it, flashbacks! YOU SUCK!

Since I've been talking about the rape SO MUCH all the time, I've been having more flashbacks. This is probably normal. When you think about something more, it also invades your unconscious mind more as well. The sucky thing about this is that I get flashbacks when I listen to music. NOOOOOOOO!!!! I love singing in the car! But unfortunately, a lot of the songs that are on the radio/that I love are about getting drunk, dancing, hooking up. And all of those things are things that I associate with being raped. For example, there is this song that I love called Give Me Everything Tonight by Pitbull. I absolutely adore it. Mostly because it's fun to sing. I like catchy songs that I can sing along to. But there are a few lines that always trigger me.

But I might drink a little more than I should tonight,
And I might take you home with me if I could tonight,
And baby, I'ma make you feel so good tonight,
Cuz we might not get tomorrow. 

Sounds fine, right? Nope. The part about drinking a little more than I should, and the taking you home if I could, is triggering. Because I did drink (a lot) more than I should have, and I did take her home with me.

This isn't the only song that triggers me. Others include Last Friday Night by Katy Perry and E.T. by Katy Perry. Actually, come to think of it, basically all Katy Perry songs. Firework is ok, but there are a lot that mention getting drunk (Last Friday Night) or hint at nonconsenual sex (E.T., during the intro when he says "Imma disrobe you, then Imma probe you, see I've abducted you, so I'll tell you what to do...").

Anyhoo, this sucks, because I love Katy Perry and I love singing songs like that! But when I have them on and/or am singing to them, I get flashbacks and have to change the station. LAAAAAAAME. Hopefully that will stop, cuz it suuuuuuucks.

Ok, bedtime. Oh, also, today marks 100 days with no cutting!! YAY! <3

Crap

I purged. I have no idea why. 'Nuff said.
Squirrel.

Creepy Old Guy

It's been a challenging few days. One main thing to report is that I found Isaac, aka Creepy Old Guy, on Facebook. Have I talked about him before? I don't think I have. Here's the general story.

I was 16 and I went to an underage gay bar with friends one night; my first and last time there. I was sitting by the bar, resting my feet, and this guy came and sat next to me. We started talking, and eventually he gave me his number. I was super flattered, especially because I had really low self-esteem due to my ED and had never had a serious boyfriend before. At this point, I didn't really know/admit to myself that I was gay. So anyway, I texted him the next day. Originally, he claimed to be 21, but after we texted for a bit, he admitted to being 28. This should have been my cue to run away fast, but I didn't for some reason. We started dating, and things quickly progressed, in terms of sexual stuff. At first, I thought it was great. I felt like I was being a grownup and having a real relationship. But of course, I didn't tell any of my friends that I was dating him, because I knew they would say that I shouldn't do it.

After only a little while of dating, maybe two or three weeks, he started to tell me that he loved me, that we should get married someday, that he wanted to follow me to college, etc. I thought that it was kind of creepy and  sketchy, but I went with it because I didn't know what else to say. I felt like I had to reciprocate, because isn't that what adults do? Now I know better, but my 16-year-old self wasn't as smart as my 21-year-old self. Around the same time that he started getting creepy, I started to get tired of doing the sexual stuff that he wanted. We didn't have official intercourse, in case you were curious. But I didn't want to do it anymore, whatever it was. However, I thought that if people loved each other (I had convinced myself that I did love him), then they did what the other partner asked. He said things like, "If you loved me, you would...." so that I would do what he wanted. He didn't use force or threats, but it was an unspoken rule that 'no' wasn't really an ok answer. So I never really said no, but I never said yes either, and I didn't want it.

We dated for four months before I finally worked up the courage to break it off. I was really desperate for someone to love me (besides my parents), and that made it hard to dump the only person who said that he loved me. But I knew that it wasn't a healthy relationship, so I ended it. After that, I realized that I was really messed up because of what he did. I would drive by his street and hyperventilate and have flashbacks. I would see someone who looked slightly like him and freak out. When I got to college, I was hypervigilant because he had said that he would follow me to college, and I was paranoid that he really would. This was five years ago now, and I still have flashbacks. I can't do certain sexual activities because I get flashbacks or they remind me of him. My ex helped with that a bit, but you can't undo everything in a short period of time.

So yes, that's Isaac. After we broke up, I broke off all contact. I unfriended him on Myspace and deleted all the pictures of him, etc. But every so often, I wondered what he was up to, if he was victimizing any other underage girls. So I would look for him, but I was never able to find him again. Until now. I randomly decided to look again on Monday, and I found him. As soon as I saw his picture, I felt a jolt go through my body, and I knew. I knew it was him, even though he has more facial hair now, and he looks older. I guess he's 33 now... weird. Since I found him, I can't stop looking! I think that part of me thinks if I look at his picture enough, I will desensitize myself, and it won't bother me as much. I don't know if that's true, but whatever. Whatever the cause, I need to stop looking. NOT GOOD!

The good news is that he lives in Texas now, not Oregon or Wisconsin, so I don't have to worry about running into him. For the longest time, I was super paranoid that I would see him somewhere. The bad news is that now I have a very real face to put on my fuzzy memories, which makes them more vivid and distressing. But that's ok; I needed to face them anyway, right? I'll be fine :)

So that's my big thing for the week. There is more, but this post is SUUUUPER long now, so I'll talk to you all later! <3

BLARG

Ok, so here's what happened last night. After I blogged, I was texting Isabel (or was that before... idk), and after I texted her about what I was confused about, she didn't text back for like two hours. During that time, shit went down. I convinced myself that no one liked me and I was a horrible person. I thought about the rape and abuse a lot, and that was bad, of course. I struggled for about an hour with thoughts about self-injury. It got to the point where I was all ready, razor out, watch off my wrist, tissues within reach. No bandaids. That's what I forgot. Spent at least 20 minutes fighting with myself. Finally, after swearing for a minute, I texted a friend. Help. As soon as I did that, it felt like I had won, and I was able to put everything away and distract myself with a movie. So that's the good news :)

Around midnight, just as I was deciding to go to sleep, Isabel called me. What our conversation comes down to is this: she didn't have feelings for me until we restarted our hooking up in April. And she didn't really admit them to herself until now. So basically, she has feelings for me but loves her boyfriend, and even if we see each other, nothing can happen. Which I kind of knew already, but it's sad to hear it. I kind of feel like I've been dumped, even though a) I already knew that nothing would come of our relationship, and b) we weren't dating or anything. Wow, I'm lame. I also feel really responsible for the whole situation. I was the one who initiated the restarting in April. I knew that it was a really bad idea for me, and I knew that I would get hurt, but I decided to do it anyway. But I figured that she was the kind of person who could have friends-with-benefits relationship and not get hurt. Oops. I have never seen this kind of relationship end well. Ever. I should have known better. I feel like it's my fault, even though she spent a good 30 minutes trying to convince me otherwise last night. Oh well.

So that's that. Nothing much to report about today. I have been watching TV, doing laundry, and thinking about doing some research. Grrr. I'm just so angry with myself. That's basically my mood for the day: frustrated and angry at myself.
<3 you all.

I am so confused

The red thing is a heart, and the other thing (holding the leash) is a brain. Get it?

I have been reading Isabel's blog (you know, my make out buddy), and it's confusing me. She just gave me the link, and I've been reading posts she wrote about me in October, November, January, April, etc. I guess I have been thinking that she has feelings for me too, since she claims to miss me a lot. But maybe I've been wrong all along. I mean, duh, she's in love with her boyfriend! They are probably going to get married! I just need to get over it. I need to move on, because this isn't healthy. I've been deceiving myself for way to long. Come on, Liz, get with it! Be realistic. You have no chance with this girl, and it's time to let go. Accept the fact that even if you do see her again, it doesn't matter; it's still the same situation as it was.

Other than that realization, things have been normal. I'm super glad that work is over for the week; only four weeks to go! My kids were super cute this week because they were 1st graders. One of the little girls kissed a little boy, and they ended up trying to hold hands and be near each other all week. It was totally adorable, but it wasn't necessarily appropriate for camp, so we had to have a talk about keeping our mouths to ourselves (lol). SO CUTE!

I have had my rape on my mind a lot this week. I've been doing a lot of work around it in therapy, and I have homework for therapy that keeps me thinking about it outside of my session. Plus I had coffee with this friend (that I mentioned in my last post, let's call her Amy) and we pretty much talked about our experiences with rape the whole time. So I've been thinking about it and having memories about it (and my sexual abuse experience too) this whole week. It pretty much sucks. I DO NOT want to be thinking about this. I want to cut. Right now. Really bad. THIS SUCKS.
That's all.

Updates! On really old stuff too.

I haven't cut myself, which is good. My period is coming to an end, and I think the hormones are letting up. I was not a raging bitch at work on Thursday (on Wednesday, I was a crazy person) and Friday was a good day. Yesterday (Sunday) I was a bit bitchy, but that was for good reasons. First, my dad got freaked out at me for eating some whipped cream (his words were, "Stop eating that! Save some for the rest of us!"), when he didn't even want me to buy it in the first place! I was already a little emotional before that happened, because the church message was about forgiving those who have hurt you, and of course my mind went straight to Morgan and Isaac (the two people who have sexually assaulted/abused me). Crying in church sucks.

But anyway, after I recovered from my anger at my dad, I went shopping. Yay for 4th of July sales! I was trying to get to a specific shopping center, but I didn't know where it was and I forgot to ask the parents before I left. So after calling them 10 times and being convinced that they'd been murdered while I was gone, I spent 30 minutes driving aimlessly around the same area before finally finding it. But the good news is that I got a beautiful shirt for only $10! Of course, my parents were not dead when I got home, but I was still pretty angry with them. I hid out in my room for a while, and felt better.

On a completely different note, I realized that I never ended the best friend saga! If you look at these posts: one, two, three, four, and five, you'll see the crazy saga of my best friend Jamie and our epic fights. Some of the posts also include conflicts with my other friend Dana, but mostly this is about Jamie. Sooo, now that you're all caught up, here's what happened: Jamie and I got in another HUGE fight at the beginning of May. It was Jamie's birthday, and we took her out to dinner. Or rather, she forced us to go to an expensive place with her. I didn't get her a card or anything, because she had said that she didn't want anything. Plus I forgot. She seemed cool with that.

Then I found out that my paternal grandmother died, and I told Jamie and Dana the next day at dinner. When I told them that, Jamie's only response was, "On my birthday??? That makes it 10x worse!" My response to that was to tell her that she was so incredibly selfish for making this all about her, when really she should be asking how I was doing. She got pissed about that and left. I went to my room and blocked her on Facebook (immature, I know) because I was done. I was just done with our friendship. I was fed up with being abused, mistreated, trampled on, and blamed for everything. Then Jamie came over and yelled at me for not getting her a bday card! Like, seriously? What the hell. When she finished yelling, I told her that I was done. I told her that I couldn't be in this friendship anymore because it made me feel like crap all the time. She said that if she left my room, then we could never speak again. I almost decided to take her back, but thankfully, my better sense kicked in and I kicked her out.

Jamie and I spoke briefly over Facebook message after that, mostly to make sure that neither of us would talk about the other to other friends. Dana and I remained friends, and now we are basically best friends. For real though, not for fake, like with Jamie. We're still working on getting close, like I am with my other friends, but we are WAY closer than Jamie and I ever were.

The reason I thought of this is because I sent Jamie a Facebook message yesterday to wish her a happy summer and 4th of July. I figured that I could still be nice to her, because hating people just sucks. We've been talking a lot during the past 24 hours, and it's nice to be on good terms with her. Yay!

So that's it! I still can't breathe very well from the incident that happened at work (see my last post). If I can't breathe tomorrow, I am reporting it to my supervisor and going to the doctor. I haven't been able to sing in my car! Torture! I also can't do cardio, which is less of a torture, lol.
Oh, also, I've lost weight. Not on purpose, it just happened. I think I've gained muscle and lost fat from all the working out :) Just thought I'd notify you all. It's not much, but people can tell. I've gotten comments.

Sorry this is such a long post! Anyhoo, I gotta go to a lunch with my gramma and parents now! Should be fun :) Love you all!!!! <3