Sorry!

Welp. It's been six months... oops. I have no excuses, except that I just forget that this blog exists sometimes! But here's are the highlights from the last six months:

• Finished up my internship at the community mental health center. I tried to get a job there, but no luck.
• Finished my final semester of grad school in May and officially became a Master of Social Work! 
• Took my first licensure exam and am now a Licensed Master of Social Work.
• Applied to 55 jobs (no joke), had five interviews, and got three job offers.
• Accepted a position at a substance abuse treatment center in St. Louis, Missouri as a counselor/insurance reimbursement specialist! 
• Started my job in the middle of June, so I'm almost 2 months in at this point. I have six individual clients. I also lead two therapy groups. And I check insurance benefits and get treatment authorized for clients in the inpatient program. Pretty cool! 
• Got approved to start working on my supervised work hours that go toward my clinical license. So in 2 years, I can take another exam and be a License Clinical Social Worker.
• Signed a lease for a one bedroom apartment and I'm moving in a week! YAY! 
• Still doing personal therapy. Working on my sexual abuse, which is super great (not). 
• Haven't self-harmed in almost a year! It will be a year on August 22. It's a very strange feeling. 
• Basically, things are pretty great :)

As you can see, I've been a little busy, so maybe that's an excuse for not posting for six months. Maybe. But I wanted you guys to know that I haven't abandoned you! I miss writing this blog and reading your blogs. I will try to be more diligent about it, but I can't promised anything. Thanks for reading! 

Here's a quick picture of me. I don't do this very often, and I'll probably take it down, but enjoy it while it lasts! This is from graduation day :)

HELLO!

Hi! Wow, it's only been like two weeks since my last post - AMAZING! :)

So here's the scoop. I just started seeing my new substance abuse clients. I have five total now, but I've only seen two so far. Let me just say, it is SO DIFFERENT working with men than women. Up till now, all my clients have been women. And this man that I saw on Tuesday was suuuuper awkward. It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk. And then I think he felt awkward because we were talking about his multiple girlfriends (who don't know about each other...) and I think that he thought that I was judging him. Which I wasn't. But whatever. The other different thing about substance abuse clients is that many of them are on probation/parole, so I have to do extra paperwork and send reports to their probation/parole officers. Weird! And I might have to learn how to administer urine analysis tests. Ew.

Other than my new clients, things are okay. On Friday it'll be six months of no self-harm. Weird. Therapy is going well. We've just started talking about my sexual assault, so that kinda sucks. But I think that if we avoided the subject, then I'd just avoid it forever, and that's not helpful. I need to process this stuff so that I can be a better counselor and a better romantic partner and a better person.

UGGGGGGGGG I'm just so tired! I've been applying for jobs and stuff, and that's really exhausting. Yuck. I'll let you know if I get an interview or anything though! That would be awesome.

Love you all! :)

fgerjhgkh4roihysdg

So I pretty much fail at blogging! It's been like three months... I'm sorry! I've been crazy busy, and then I just didn't feel like it. So really, no excuses. I should start blogging daily again. That would be good.

Since my last post:

• Lost all my clients but one.
• Gained a client (so now I have two clients).
• Trying not to take it personally that all my clients quit (well, some of them didn't need therapy or didn't know what therapy was, so not my fault).
• Am about to start taking substance abuse clients! So maybe 5 or 6 new clients in the near future! 
• Still seeing my awesome counselor, working on my self-worth issues. Apparently, I don't value myself or my life. I think I knew that, but I didn't know it was so bad. Guess I was just fooling myself. 
• Haven't self-harmed in 5 months and 1 week! Sometimes, I am happy about that. And sometimes, I hate it and just want to self-harm again.
• Finished fall semester and began my FINAL semester of grad school!! I graduate officially on May 16th. I will officially be an MSW (Master's of Social Work) and hopefully an LMSW (Licensed Master's of Social Work -- need to take an exam for that one). 
• About 2.5 weeks ago, two of my close friends from college were killed in a traffic accident in northern Wisconsin. So basically, my world has come crashing down and everything sucks. I'm a little depressed, obviously. 
• But other than that, things are going surprisingly well with my mental health. 
• I'm worried that I have breast cancer. I know that Google is not a doctor, but Google says I have cancer. I think it's a legit concern, so I'm going to the doctor soon. Trying not to freak out.

I miss you guys! I'll try to write more often <3 div="">

Meep

Welp, I have been MIA again for over a month. Oops!

So I did end up seeing another therapist. I found her through my insurances' websites and then also on the SAFE Alternatives website. I don't know if I like her. I'm about ready to give up on this therapy thing. I don't think that it's helping at all.

This month has been interesting. My depression has been a lot better, although I've struggled on and off with shame about the sexual assault and thoughts of self-harm. I did end up self-injuring last week, twice. Last week sucked, basically. I was super anxious the whole week. And here's why.

Back in March/April, I was super suicidal. I made a very specific plan for my suicide (place, method, time of day) and picked out a date. I made the date far in the future, because I was trying to give myself time to feel better. I figured, if the depression got better, then I wouldn't need the suicide date. Anyway, the date was July 1st. Yesterday. Obviously, I'm still alive. About a month after making the original plan, I caved and told a friend about it. Just telling her made me feel a lot better, and since my depression has improved a TON since then, I did not feel the need to die. Obviously. But the week leading up to July 1st was pretty stressful. I started thinking about suicide again and ended up self-harming. But it's over and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. So yay for being alive! Lol.

Moving on. I just finished my internship at the hospital. It was pretty amazing and I'm sad that it's over. I saw a ton of interesting people and interesting disorders. During the last half of the internship, I was able to see patients on my own, which was great. Especially this last month or two, I have had very little supervision, which was awesome! It made me feel like a real live social worker :) But then again, I'm glad it's over because there were some icky office politics that were getting ugly. This coworker and I got into several fights (she feels threatened by me, because I have more education than her and she is terrible at her job), and it just kept getting worse. So I'm glad that's over! Thank goodness.

That's about it! 

Craaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyy

WARNING: This post is being written on the worst day of my period (aka the day that I go crazy and emotional everywhere). Beware. This could get ugly and does not represent my normal headspace.

BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay, now that that's out of my system.
I quit therapy.
And now I'm questioning everything. Maybe that was a bad idea? Maybe I should try to find a different therapist? Maybe I'm beyond help and should just quit while I'm ahead?

I quit therapy because I don't like my therapist. At all. She says condescending things and doesn't understand how I think AT ALL. I thought I could deal with it, but I can't. So I cancelled my appointment with her (that was scheduled for today). I think she'll get the hint that I'm quitting. And this is weird for me! I have never quit therapy before. I have never done this before. And now I feel suuuuuuper guilty. WHHHYYYYYYYY.

Part of me thinks that I'll be fine. I have survived without therapy before, and I don't think it was working anyway. And I can always do therapy on myself, since I'm in three different therapy classes this summer. But the other part of me thinks that this is terrible and I'm screwed. I mean, how can I maintain professional sanity when I haven't worked through my shit?
Things that still need work:
- Self esteem
- Not blaming myself for the sexual assault
- Not eating my feelings (aka ice cream and chocolate when I'm upset or bored)
- Not having the urge to self-harm

These are relatively significant things. Don't worry, I haven't self-harmed at all. I just think about it sometimes. Not as much as I used to think about it. But more than I am comfortable with. I need to be a mental health professional, dammit! I can't have mental health issues myself!

So I don't know. That's what's happening in my head right now. Basically I feel guilty and freaked out and I'm waiting for this to pass.

Love you guys :)

Mrah

I feel like I apologize at the beginning of every post... but here it is again: Sorry for being MIA for two months! Oops :)

Grad school has been crazy. The semester is ending and I only have one more final exam before I'm FREEEE :) Then my summer classes start in a month, haha. But it will be nice to have a month without classes, although I'm still doing my internship and working. This summer, I am taking Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Treatment of Mental Disorders, and another class. The other class will be either Motivational Interviewing or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. But I haven't decided yet, so TBD.

My internship is still awesome. I love every minute of it. Sometimes, though, it makes me sad. These kids come into my office and are so young, and yet have so many issues already. It breaks my heart to hospitalize 5 year olds. And the teenagers are the saddest for me, especially the ones who self-injure and are suicidal. I got a really sad 14 year old girl last week, depressed and cutting her stomach every day. Usually, I can handle stuff like that. But to hear this beautiful girl tell me that she cuts herself because she feels ugly and wants her outside to match her inside... that was heartbreaking. Poor kid. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for this profession. I hope that I am. I really hope that I can do this.

The depression has been getting better. We've been upping my dose of Wellbutrin steadily for the past two months, so I'm at 200 mg right now. The physical symptoms have been getting better (concentration, sleep, fatigue), and the mental symptoms are starting to improve. I spend less time being miserable and suicidal, and more time being able to function. I have happy days. So things are good. I did cut myself several times, but that was over a month ago, and it wasn't too bad.

Overall, I'm optimistic. Life is difficult, but this will pass. I am just looking forward to Wednesday night, when my final exam is over and I'm finally done with my first year of graduate school. YAY! It's going to be awesome.

Love you guys :) Thanks for sticking with me.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Hello all, sorry for being MIA for a month and a half. Life happens, you know?

About the last post: the group did end up coming to a decision, and half of the leaders (the ones who think that homosexuals shouldn't be in leadership) stepped down. The other half, including me, are the new leadership team and our group is now officially open and affirming to the LGBT community. We'll see how that goes.

The shitty part is that the whole process led to depression for me. It started as simple depression related to discrimination, but it didn't go away. So now I've been officially depressed for about 1.5 or 2 months. And it's probably the worst depression that I've ever had. It's terrible. Like, I've been depressed before, but nothing like this. I don't want to do ANYTHING. I don't care about school or work or life. I don't want to eat, which is new for me. I want to sleep all the time. Blaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

It's gotten to the point where I just can't wait anymore. I don't have time to be depressed, because I'm in grad school! I have shit to do! Plus I'm doing an internship at a hospital, so I can't be depressed. It's weird for me to assess patients for depression and suicidal ideation, when I'm experiencing the same things.

As a result, I went to a psychiatrist about a week ago, and she prescribed Wellbutrin. I started taking it 5 days ago, but nothing has happened so far. Because of the bad reaction that I had to Lexapro (back in 2010), she started me on 1/3 of the regular dose, to hopefully avoid any negative side effects or hypomania. So far, no side effects, which I appreciate. But it will take 2-6 weeks for the full effects to kick in. I think she will probably raise the dose when I see her in a week. We'll see how that goes... I'll try to keep you updated.

I have been trying to stay positive. I got a gym membership for Christmas, and I've been going 2-4 times per week. Supposedly, exercise helps depression. I'm not feeling it, but maybe it will come. I have been trying not to isolate myself from people, but that's hard. I have also been battling with urges to cut myself. So far, no cutting. And I have pretty high confidence in my abilities to resist. So that's good.

Other than that, nothing much is new. School sucks. I hate my classes. I hate most of my professors. The only thing that I like is my internship. But that's a little weird, since my job is to assess people for suicidal ideation and other mental illness, and I am currently experiencing a mental illness myself. Of course, my supervisor and coworkers don't know that I'm depressed. But it's still a bit weird for me. However, I do love it. I've seen so many interesting people and so many disorders already. I assessed a person with trichotillomania on Thursday! I never thought I'd see that disorder in real life. So interesting :)

Have a good week everyone <3>

Stuff! :)

Things have been going okay since I last posted. I have managed to keep the cutting under control somewhat. I haven't done it in 8 days so far, which is good for me. I also saw that counselor at Student Health again, and he referred me to another school counselor. He said that I could try to see her for a while, and then decide if I want longer-term counseling. I haven't made an appointment with her yet, but I will soon.

The reason that I'm blogging today is because I have exciting news! Well, it's exciting for me. Do you all remember when I was interviewed by that researcher about pro-ana blogging in June 2011? Find the posts that mention it here and here. Anyway, she just published her research! And I'm in it!! I read her published article today, because I'm awesome and have access to journal articles through my university, and it was so cool! I could definitely tell which quotes in the article were said by me. I feel so famous! My name was changed, so no one would know that it was me, but it was still awesome! Let me know if you want to read the article; I have it saved on my computer and I can send it to you.

Oh hey, speaking of something completely different... I forgot to tell you guys something! I did a 3.5 day prayer fast about two weeks ago. I was participating in this prayer and fasting week that my church in Oregon was doing. So I didn't eat anything, and just drank water, for 3.5 days. And you know what? I didn't relapse! Since I was fasting for a healthy reason, I didn't have any body image issues during the fast. I didn't have any impulses to extend the fast and make it longer than originally planned, and I wasn't thinking about it in terms of weight loss. And once the fast was over, I was completely able to resume regular eating, no problem. Yay! I am so proud of myself, and thankful to God, for staying healthy throughout this whole thing. I knew that it could be dangerous for me, but I trusted Him and did it anyway. And I am so glad that I did :)

Well, I have SO MUCH HOMEWORK, so I'm going to do that. Love you all!

Life... is interesting...

I didn't make this, but it describes exactly how I feel...

Oh gosh you guys... I miss the days when school was easy and I had a life. I am officially seven weeks into the semester now, and it is HARD. Classes are starting to get crazier. The school atmosphere is interesting, at best. I'm am stressed as hell. Life is difficult.

So, the school atmosphere. I knew that social work school would be liberal, but I was hoping for acceptance too. Not the case. Social work students in general are pretty intolerant of Christianity. And if you mention religion in class, then you are attacked. Especially if you mention a conservative viewpoint, which I tend to do. So I'm just getting used to being on guard all the time. I feel like I'm always tensed and ready for the next attack on my beliefs. Fun times.

My classes are super hard and there is a TON of reading. I have a big assignment due for at least one class, every week, until the end of the semester. I can't wait for the end of the semester. I am just tired of being tired.

My mood has been up and down. I'm not depressed. I was homesick for a while, but not depressed. Now I am mostly just anxious and stressed. Which has led to... you guessed it: cutting. I have been cutting myself every few days (or every day) for a few weeks now. So that's not good. I am currently in the apathetic stage, in which I don't care about my body and what I'm doing to it. I'm moving into the 'fighting back' stage though, which is good, because then I'll start to fight my urges instead of giving into them.

I actually went to see a counselor at Student Health last week. I am training to be a social worker, so I'd like to fix my own issues first. I don't want my issues interfering with my work with clients. The counselor told me that he doesn't think that he can provide the level of care that I need. He basically said that I need long-term counseling, and that I'm not as "fixed" as I thought. I had somehow deluded myself into thinking that I was doing pretty well. And I am, considering all of thing things that I've been through. But I guess self-harm is alarming to other people. It just seems normal to me, honestly. When you have been hurting yourself for nine years (yes, that long... scary, right?), and the longest you've ever gone without hurting yourself is four months (and that was only one time), I guess it's natural to think that this is normal. But if I have a friend who is doing it... then of course I am concerned. Double standard, anyone?

So anyway, that was a slap in the face. I am considering seeing an outside counselor though. I do really want to fix my issues. I DO NOT want to still be cutting in two years, when I am done with my Master's and starting to get my license. NO NO NO. I will NOT be like this in two years!!! This is a promise. The only issue with seeing an outside counselor is that I have to tell my parents... because they will see in on insurance. Ugg. That will be a fun conversation.

So wish we luck with everything. I would really like to stop cutting. I would also like to be less stressed, but still get everything done. (Haha). I love you guys, okay? You are wonderful.

Oh summer...

Ugg, you guys, my summer is not going the way I want it to so far. My room still isn't fully unpacked, even though I got home three weeks ago. Here is what it looked like last week:

And here is what it looks like now:

Better, but not great. There are still crazy piles of stuff everywhere, and this doesn't even show you the mess in the bathroom! So that's annoying, and it's freaking me out. As a clean person, it makes me anxious to have such a mess. But I just have NO motivation to clean it! I don't understand! It's like finishing college made me lose my motivation for anything.

Speaking of college, I am officially a college graduate! I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, departmental honors and summa cum laude :) It was really sad to leave all my friends behind, but I am glad to be moving forward with my life. I loved my school while I was there, but I needed to leave. Luckily, some of my friends live in Oregon or St. Louis, so I will see them again! Speaking of St. Louis, I leave for graduate school on August 17th! Orientation starts August 20th and classes start August 28th. I'm super pumped. I also have an apartment and a roommate! Her name is Chloe (not her real name, for privacy reasons) and she is 25. She will also be a 1st year student in the social work program. She has a deposit on a great apartment that is a 20 minute walk from campus, 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, washer and dryer in the unit. The price is decent, and my parents are helping, so we can make it work. I'm super excited to start my new life in St. Louis! 2.5 months, baby.

I haven't started my summer job yet, but I will be working at the science museum that I worked at last summer. I start June 18th, and I'm doing aftercare again. I will work 12-6 pm every day. I hope that this is the summer that I will finally prove that I am an adult, that I can control my emotions around the kids, and that I can make a good impression on my supervisors. Man, I am not cut out for working with kids...

Food and body image sucks. I can't seem to get my chocolate consumption under control. I'm still at my highest weight ever, and it sucks balls. I really dislike my body, and because of that, I have wanted to hurt myself for the first time since I stopped taking my meds. Not cool! Of course, it was a very small urge and I didn't act on it. I just really want to be healthier, but I'm having a hard time doing it. I'm tired of being fat and lazy, and I just want to be a normal person.

Finally, the last big thing happening in my life is that my cat is sick :( Her name is Meg, and she and her sister Ginny are my kitties. They grew up in my room, and I am their mommy. She started losing a lot of weight in the last few weeks, and I didn't notice right away, because I just figured that I was making it up. But my dad noticed this weekend, and we took her to the vet on Monday. A few years ago, she weighed 11 pounds, and now she weighs 8 pounds (or she did on Monday). We found out from the vet that she had a fever, she was really dehydrated, and her kidneys were swollen and lumpy. They took blood and urine samples, and found that she has a bladder infection. However, they don't think that this is the cause of her weight loss. They gave us some oral antibiotics, which made her throw up, so they had to give her an antibiotic shot. Tomorrow, if she is not significantly better, she may need an ultrasound to figure out what's wrong with her kidneys. I am taking her in first thing in the morning so they can assess her and give her IV fluids. I am super worried that she won't be much better, and my parents don't want to pay for the ultrasound. I don't want my kitty to die!! I am praying that she gets a lot better overnight and the antibiotic shot will fix her. She seems a little perkier already, and she ate food and drank water without throwing up tonight. I'll let you know what happens. Here are some cute pictures of her:

She is so cute! I love her so much <3

Last thing: my friend is doing okay (you know, from the last post). Of course, suicidality doesn't just go away, so I am still praying for her, and I encourage you to do the same. She is an amazing person, and I definitely want to see her live :)

Good stuff

Oh haaay! Things are going pretty well over here. I am almost done collecting data for my study!! I need one more participant, and then I'm DONE! Amazing... I thought I'd never get here. The trouble is, I have to find this last participant... I'll figure it out. But now that I'm almost done collecting data, I have to start analyzing the data and writing my actual thesis. Which sucks. I have to do a symposium (20 minute talk) on it on April 12th, and I hope to be almost done writing the whole thing by then. I mean, I barely have any other homework. How hard can it be? Haha :) I'll just have to rustle up some motivation. Anyone know where I can get some of that?

My medication taper is going well. I did 4 days on 350 mg (down from 400), and then got bored and impatient... so I skipped down to 200 mg. I know, not the smartest idea. But I'm fine! I've been on 200 mg for five days now. I thought I was having a few side effects during the first four days. I had some headaches and a serious loss of focus, but I think I was just tired. Since then, nothing. However, I am super sick right now, so I can't be sure. I have a cold. It suuuuuucks. But I got some really good drugs and that helps :) I'll keep you all updated on my progress and any side effects that occur from the taper.

I went out drinking last night, despite being sick. My sorority did golf (Google it, it's a drinking game), which was fun. I took a bunch of cold medicine so that I would feel well enough to go (maybe not smart, but whatever). I drank waaaaay too much, but what else is new? I don't remember half of my night, but the good news is that I spent that part of the night hanging out with friends (apparently), so nothing bad happened. I do have mysterious injuries though. My left knee really hurts, and so does the right side of my head. I think I must have fallen or something, and bumped my head and knee. Weird. I also woke up in the morning to find blood everywhere. Scary! It turns out that I had a bloody nose before going to bed. There was blood on the floor, blood on my towels, blood on the clothes I had been wearing. I did laundry today, and everything is good now, but it was kind of scary to wake up to!

Other than that... I actually am feeling pretty good these days. I don't know if it's the medication taper or what, but I haven't really been depressed at all. No suicidal thoughts (or at least no lasting ones; I always have passing ones). No cutting. No weird food stuff. I have been doing this new thing where I try to talk myself out of my negative thoughts. I learned it in my psych disorders class (haha). We talked about it during our unit on cognitive behavioral therapy. It involves distracting yourself from the negative cognition, analyzing what is distorted about the cognition, and disputing it. You dispute it by examining it, searching for alternative cognitions, and looking at the usefulness of the cognition. Let's have an example.
Let's say that I study really hard for an exam, but still get a B. I know, a B is a good grade for some people, but in my mind, it's not a good grade for me. Remember, I have a 3.8 GPA. Because of my "bad" grade, I decide that I'm stupid. This is clearly a negative cognition.
1) Distract: Think about other things to avoid ruminating about the grade.
2) Distort: This cognition is distorted because clearly, I have a 3.8 GPA. I wouldn't have a GPA like that if I was stupid.
3) Dispute: I kind of already did this one in 'distort.' But I can examine the cognition and search for alternatives. Like, "I am smart." Or, "A 'B' isn't a bad grade; it's above average!" Or, "I don't need to get good grades to prove that I'm smart. One B doesn't make me stupid." I can also look at the usefulness of the cognition (And it's not useful at all. In fact, it just brings me down and makes me feel horrible).

I have been having relatively good success with this. I just have to keep it up and quit the ruminating! Did you know that women are more likely to be depressed than men, partially because we tend to ruminate?

So I guess that's about it! I will update you all soon. <3

Pillssssssssss

Ok, let's be real. I am hiding. I feel like I am perpetually hiding my feelings from others, because I don't want to get in trouble. And that's freaking ridiculous. Why should I have to hide?? They're my feelings! But unfortunately, people don't see them that way. People feel the need to share my feelings with others. My feelings aren't theirs to share.

No, nothing like this has happened recently, but I have been keeping many secrets in order to avoid this happening. And that's frustrating, because when I feel like I need to talk to someone, I find that I can't think of who would be safe to talk to. It sucks when you are scared to tell your friends anything.

I mentioned that my thesis has been relatively unhealthy for me. Because of the topic of my thesis, disordered eating, I come into contact with a lot of data about people's disordered habits. And I start to miss my own disordered habits. This has led to four or five almost relapses, one of which I chronicled in my last post. It has also led to depression. The depression I'm currently experiencing is due to a few things.

1. I'm stressed. My thesis is stressful.
2. I feel kind of hopeless about my future. I mean, I have been depressed or eating disordered or cutting or suicidal since I was 13. Eight years. Is this ever going to get better? What else is there that I haven't tried? I'm tired of this.
3. The obvious one: I have chemical depression. Duh. 

I'll be honest with you; I have been suicidal. And that both freaks me out and frustrates me. I'm so sick of this! So I have decided to do something about it. I have decided to try something new.
I'm going off my medication. 
I can see your reaction coming from a mile away. A million questions. Why? How? Are you consulting a doctor? Are you an idiot? Do you really think this will help?

Why? Because the meds aren't helping. I started Lamictal last December (2010) at 100 mg. I am at 400 mg and feel the same. This is not normal. I am still depressed. Nothing has changed.

How? I have a plan. I have both 200 mg and 150 mg tablets. I can use a combination of these (splitting the pills in half if needed) to taper down to 75 mg. At 75 mg, I am not completely positive what to do, because I can't evenly spit anything lower than that. I will figure it out when I get there. I am going to do this slowly, because I have read horror stories about the side effects of tapering too quickly off Lamictal. If you go cold turkey, you can have a seizure! No thanks. I am going to try to do this right. Obviously, if I have bad side effects, I will go slower or stop. And if I have severe depression or whatever, I will stop too.

Are you consulting a doctor? Nope. Is this stupid? Maybe. I just don't want to talk to my prescriber. She would probably tell me to wait till I see her next, which is at the end of May. I want to feel better NOW, not in three months. And even if this doesn't make me feel better, at least I will have tried something. Honestly, feeling hopeless is what is making me the most depressed. Trying to taper off my meds gives me hope.

Are you an idiot? We kind of already covered this one. Yes, I probably am. But I know my limits and I know when to quit. What do I have to lose?

Do you really think this will help? I have no clue. I hope so. If it doesn't help, then at least I tried!

I hope this is going to go well. I will keep you all updated, obviously. I took my regular dose, 400 mg, this morning. I will try 350 mg tomorrow. I should be able to tell by Monday if I am going to have bad side effects. We'll see what happens!
<3

Shuffling, every day I am

It's crazy that I haven't blogged in so long! It's been like 12 days! I'm so sorry, I have just been CRAAAAZY busy. The last two weeks are a blur. Let's start at the beginning. I've had a TON of stuff to do for graduate school applications. I wrote two personal statements in two days, and then another a few days later. Sleeping hasn't been happening much... I generally get 3-4 hours of sleep per night, but this week I had a period of 65 hours when I didn't sleep at all. I pulled two all-nighters, for a total of almost three days no sleep. It was super intense, and horribly exhausting (although kind of exhilarating at the same time!). I just had so much work with grad school stuff, homework, and thesis, that sleeping didn't happen. So yah, that was my last week.

Last weekend, I went to an amazing conference in Green Lake, Wisconsin. It was the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship Fall Conference (aka CrossTraining). It was an awesome weekend! My track (class, basically) was called On Campus, On Purpose and it was just basics for living life as a Christian on a college campus. Kind of silly for me, since I'm a senior, but it was also good because I'm going to a difference campus for graduate school, and it had some basic stuff that I never knew about. There was some stuff about evangelism, some stuff about making sure that God is the leader of your life (not other things, like money or grades), and LOTS of worship! That's the best part :) It was an incredible weekend, and I want to go back!

So yah... that's pretty much been the last two weeks. I am hoping that this week will involve more sleep (hahaha yah right) and less crazy. Oh, and I haven't cut in over a week! I haven't really wanted to that much either :) My eating has been pretty much fine too.

Well, have a wonderful Sunday, everyone, and a great week! <3

Halloween is soon!

Hello! It's been exactly a week since I posted. Good news: I have been feeling a bit better and not cutting. Yay! Fall break got to me, I guess. Graduate school applications are still weighing down on me, but I'm not working on them every day, so I think that helps me to not get so overwhelmed.

Since I last posted... I got my personal statement for Washington University School of Social Work done, at least a good draft. Now I just have to translate and squish it into three other applications and answer their random questions too. But it's a good start. My plan is to work on that some tonight. Homework... it seems to be easing up a bit, although I'm sure that will change very soon. Right now I feel less stressed out than usual.

I am super tired all the time, so I started taking a multivitamin. We'll see if that helps. I just started today! Hopefully if I take it most of the time (I will forget, it's only natural), then it will be good for me. I'm definitely vitamin/mineral deficient in some ways. I am also trying to be a bit healthier with my eating and not eat so much junk. Maybe cut back on the diet soda and drink more herbal tea as a substitute. And stop eating so much dessert (especially when I'm not hungry or don't like it much, but eat it anyway). Yay healthy eating! Let's see how long this lasts...

It's Halloween this weekend! My sorority is playing this drinking game called golf on Saturday night. I've done this many times before, and it generally ends in disaster and me being ridiculously drunk. You have 8 or 10 "holes" which are in different people's room, and there is a different drink in each hole. Generally people do a hole in pairs or groups. For example, if I did a hole, I would have a partner and we would make jello shots. People would come and drink/eat the shots, and the depart to the next hole. It gets you drunk suuuuper fast. So I've enlisted a buddy. I asked a sub-free friend to check in on me in the middle of the event to see how drunk I am. My plan is to only drink a little bit at each hole, but we know how well that works... so if I'm too drunk, she can come rescue me.  The theme is Halloween, of course, and I am going to be a present. As in, I bought a bow (like for a birthday present) at Walmart and I am going to put it on my head. Classy, I know :)

Ok, I should really get some work done. Ya'll are awesome for reading my boring ramblings! Love ya <3

Hello! I'm sorry it's been so long... almost two weeks. I've been avoiding blogging, partially because of so much freaking homework and partially because of shame. Sometimes I feel like I can't write on here because there are so many people in real life who read it now. Don't get me wrong: I like having people read this. I love that I don't even have to say anything, because the people in my life already know what's going on. Especially since I NEVER see anyone anymore. I only see people if they are a) eating a meal with me, or b) doing homework with me. SAD. But sometimes I feel like if I post something bad, I will get a flurry of phone calls and texts as soon as people read it. It's a catch 22.

So here's the scoop: I've been cutting again. Oops. I don't even remember why I started. It was probably about a week and a half ago, maybe slightly less. And I've been cutting a lot, pretty much every day. I haven't cut in a few days now though :) I think a lot of it is stress. I am just so overwhelmed with everything. Homework, graduate school stuff, sorority stuff, thesis stuff. I think I'm just psyching myself out too. I get freaked out, I start thinking I can't do it, I start beating myself up because I'm a stupid idiot who can't do anything right, I'm a failure, no one loves me (not true, I know), I suck at life. Rational me realizes that most of this is false, but in-the-moment me thinks it's all true.

The other day, a friend today me that I had betrayed her confidence. I didn't even remember what she was talking about, because it was a long time ago, but it hurt me so much that I had hurt her. I hated myself. I still hate myself for that. I need to not talk about other people. It's a bad habit and I need to stop. But that whole situation was triggering too...

Ok, this is depressing. Sorry! Happy things: It's fall break right now, which is awesome! I have been sleeping in till 11 am every day. On Sunday, my best friend and I watched Castle (a TV show) all day and didn't do any homework. Today I worked on my graduate school applications and personal statement. Uggg. It sucked, but I have a page! That's better than this morning, so that's a victory right there. Tomorrow I should make more progress and I will have it finished by the end of the week. Yay! After break, things will speed up again, and I will get super stressed out/not sleeping much again. I hope this week is a good break, because crazy is coming back soon...

Well, I'm wiped out. I'm going to sleep :) Love you all!

Well that sucks

Oh guys... I don't even know what to say. I am swamped with homework and stressed. I am sleeping less than is desirable. Sometimes I get breaks, but they are usually unplanned and they make me feel stressed because I should be doing homework. Thesis... grr...

On another note. As you'll notice, I took down the "Time since last purge" and "Time since last self-injury" sidebars. I need to stop counting. I had a conversation with a friend today that made me realize that I'm an all-or-nothing type of person. I mean, I knew that already. But I feel like when I count things, like how many days I have resisted purging, I am making it all or nothing. And if I mess up, then it's all over, and it doesn't even matter anymore. So I am going to *try* to stop counting, and start celebrating successes and PROGRESS, rather than numbers of days.

Speaking of messing up... I messed up. I was in class yesterday and I totally screwed up a comment I was making. I basically interpreted a quote to mean the exact opposite of what it actually meant. Which doesn't sound that bad, but I feel like I'm doing a horrible job in that class anyway. It intimidates me and makes me feel inadequate. But the point is, I was really, really embarrassed and distressed. Automatic reaction? Hurt self. I didn't even think about it. I just did. (Let's back up a bit. When I was younger, before I knew what self-injury was, I used to dig my nails into the sides of my body when I had my arms crossed across my chest. I just knew that it helped me calm down if I felt distressed or punish myself if I thought I needed it. I mostly used it in dance class.) I haven't dug my nails into my skin in quite a while, but I did. And after the automatic reaction, I realized what I was doing, and didn't stop. Now, I could say that this doesn't count, because I didn't actually cut myself with a blade or anything and I didn't leave any lasting marks, but as I was discussing with that friend, it's the intent that matters. I intended to hurt myself. Therefore, it is self-injury. Unfortunately. I have no idea how many days I was up to, but I guess they're gone now...

BUT I'm trying to move on. Numbers are way, way too important to me. Days since ____, grades, weight, etc. I have a number obsession. So goodbye, numbers. I know that it will be a struggle to see them go, but I really can't keep obsessing over them. It's detrimental to my life, and I need to stop.

That's kind of all that has been happening. I seriously don't do anything besides eat, sleep (sometimes), go to meetings, go to class, and do homework. I hope you guys are having a better week than me. The whole messing-up thing kind of put a damper on my good mood.

Another week...

I can't believe it's been another week! On one hand, each day seems like a week in itself, and it's hard to keep track of what happened when. But on the other hand, it seems like school is flying by already and I can't believe that I've been here for two weeks already. My classes are basically running my life, which is fine, since I am here to go to school (whaaaat? when did that happen??). I have been trying to be responsible and set goals for myself. I make a to-do list of academic/non-academic things each day. I only got the the non-academic things today. But in my defense, today is the first day all week that I haven't done something academic on my list.

Speaking of my thesis, I met with my adviser and he wants me to have narrowed down my topic area by the next time we meet, in two weeks. Which means that I get to read 75 articles between now and then. That's about 5 articles per day. So yesterday and the day before, I read my 5 articles. Today I only read one, which just means that I have to read 9 tomorrow (uuuuuuuugggg). I am doing my thesis on disordered eating, and something. I want to pull a sample of disordered eaters from my school (eating disorders and disordered eating are different, fyi) and do an experiment with them. So for example, I might make my participants anxious by making them give an oral presentation, and then have them do an ice cream taste-test and see how much ice cream they eat (compared to a control group who aren't made anxious). But I have to figure out whether I'm going to manipulate anxiety, or do something media related, or mess with body image. In the next two weeks. Yay...

Honestly, not much is happening. School is pretty much my life right now. I'm boring, I know. In terms of mental health, I think I'm doing alright. I haven't had any sort of thoughts or urges to hurt myself in weeks (I think). I have situational depression, but it doesn't last long and it's not the same as actual clinical depression. My eating has been very odd, but that's college, I guess. I keep skipping/forgetting to eat/not feeling like eating dinner. I think that's happened three times in the last two weeks. I just don't feel like leaving my room, or I'm upset and don't want to eat, or I feel like napping instead. I did it tonight again because I had a difficult day and just didn't want to be around people. But I got suuuuuper hungry around 9 pm and ordered pizza. So that's better than eating nothing, which is what I did the other times. In terms of body image, it's alright. I'm avoiding some of my clothes and I feel bloated, but what else is new?

OH! ALSO, my four months self-injury free passed last week! I totally forgot to say anything. So now I'm OVER four months without cutting! Pretty sweet :)

Yah, I think that's about it. I hope you guys have a good weekend! <3

Sometimes

Sometimes I am terrified to go back to school because I don't know what will happen this next semester, whether I will start drinking and hooking up again or if I will be a normal person for once.

Sometimes I feel triggered and I don't know what exactly did it.

Sometimes I do things to intentionally trigger myself, so that maybe it won't be so bad next time.

Sometimes I'm triggered and want to cut so badly that the only thing stopping me is the fact that I'm lazy and don't want to get out of bed.

Sometimes I wish that my rape wasn't so lame; I wish that I could prove it, or at least remember it, and then maybe it would feel more real.

Sometimes I wish that I had my eating disorder back, because it gave me something to focus on and control.

Sometimes I want to sleep for a month.

Sometimes I just want to be a "normal" person who doesn't need drugs or therapy.

Sometimes I hate myself because I feel like I should be better than I am, like I should be a better person, friend, daughter, sister, victim, student, employee, a better everything.

Sometimes I'm happy though. Perhaps more than sometimes :)

My happy place

This is from The Sound of Music. Please say that you guys knew that! :)

I realized something yesterday, as I was driving home. I am at my happiest, most excited, when I am driving and listening to the radio and singing. I get really giddy and sometimes can't sing half the song because I'm giggling. It's a wonderful way to start off the work day, because it makes me feel like it will be a good day. It's also a pick-me-up at the end of the day, when I'm super exhausted from working with the kids. Unfortunately, singing in my room or the shower doesn't have quite the same effect (wonder why?), but I still feel happy when I'm doing that too. Anyway, I thought that was very interesting and potentially useful for future reference.

Yesterday and today were good. No purging, no restricting, no cutting. I feel like a fat cow, but that can't be helped. I mean, it can, but it will take longer than 5 minutes to make my brain believe that I'm not a fat cow. Anyhoo, my family decided to drive back from California in one day instead of two, so we spent 11 hours driving yesterday. Fun! Not. I was super bitchy all weekend for some reason, including and especially yesterday, but I'm doing ok today. It is suuuuuper nice to have a whole day off from work to do nothing. This week I will only work 3 days instead of 5, since I was gone yesterday and today, which sounds heavenly. And after this week, only 2 more to go before I go back to school!!!

The only hiccup is that since my sister is back, she wants to use my car. And of course, she is probably going to get her way. Which means that I will probably have to drive my dad's car to work every day. I hate my dad's car. It's a stick shift, which is fine, except I just hate his particular stick shift. It just feels wrong and I hate driving it. I will seriously take the bus to work, which would take hours, to avoid having to drive that car. Ugg. I'm hoping that I can convince my parents to let me use my mom's car, which is still not my favorite, but is alright. Either way they would be carpooling, so why does it matter which car they take? I don't know. What I really want is for them to make my sister drive mom's car, but that probably won't happen.

I have to babysit for my neighbor tonight, which I am slightly terrified of. I am good with kids, but not little kids. She 3 girls: a 4-year-old and 2-year-old twins. I am hoping that things will go smoothly. Their mom said that it would probably be an easy, pizza-movie-popcorn night, which sounds doable. Wish me luck!

Talk to ya'll later :)

Better-ish

It's ok, I'm fine. I guess I had a lot of things going on, and the stress built up. I haven't talked to my therapist specifically about the purging, but she says that stuff like wanting to cut is normal when people are overloaded, like I am now. I mean, I have rape crap on my mind, Isaac crap, stressful work, pressure because school is starting soon and I haven't done much research and haven't started applying to grad school, and I feel fat and gross. Is that enough yet? How much more can I handle? I'm also exhausted all the time because of my job, so that doesn't help. But the good news about that is that I never have the energy to cut myself. I really want to sometimes, but I usually am waaay too tired to drag myself out of bed. So that's good!

I didn't purge yesterday (Friday), but I wanted to. I mostly wanted to cut though. Idk what is going on currently, but the cutting urge is stronger than usual. It's probably related to the aforementioned stuff. Bleh. I'm so tired of this! I miss when I was feeling happier, when my meds were first kicking in. I know that my medication is working still, or else I would actually be cutting and/or purging, but I'm still annoyed. I hope that once I get to school and stop thinking about the rape, stop working, etc. then I will be less crazy.

Weeeeelll, I should go. I'm at the airport, waiting for my flight to board. I'm flying down to California to see my sister :) She is swimming at US Nationals right now. Well, she finished swimming yesterday. And GUESS WHAT?? She's a superstar; she made her Olympic Trials cut in 200 backstroke! She is going to the OLYMPIC TRIALS! My sister is so cool. I'm so so so proud of her! :-D
So anyhoo, I'm sure she's even more excited than I am (or not, who knows ;) ). My parents are already down there. They left on Tuesday, but I didn't feel like missing a whole week of work (read: $300), so I stayed and am flying out today. We will spend the weekend together in San Francisco and then drive back to Oregon on Monday and Tuesday (15 hours of torture). So I'm missing 2 days of work, but hopefully I will be refreshed and ready for 2.5 more weeks of work before I go back to school!

That's right folks! I go back to school in 3 weeks exactly! SO EXCITED! I miss my friends and I actually MISS SCHOOL. After working for 7 weeks (and 3 more to go), I am so excited to do schoolwork. School is something I can do. I'm good at it. It's my thing. Working with kids = not my calling. Adolescents, young adults, and adults, yes. Kids, no. Bleh.

Ok, enough chatter. Gotta pee before I board for my flight. Love you all!! I will update over the weekend (maybe) and let you know that I haven't purged or cut. NO CUTTING. NO PURGING. NOOOOOO. :-D