Sorry!

Welp. It's been six months... oops. I have no excuses, except that I just forget that this blog exists sometimes! But here's are the highlights from the last six months:

• Finished up my internship at the community mental health center. I tried to get a job there, but no luck.
• Finished my final semester of grad school in May and officially became a Master of Social Work! 
• Took my first licensure exam and am now a Licensed Master of Social Work.
• Applied to 55 jobs (no joke), had five interviews, and got three job offers.
• Accepted a position at a substance abuse treatment center in St. Louis, Missouri as a counselor/insurance reimbursement specialist! 
• Started my job in the middle of June, so I'm almost 2 months in at this point. I have six individual clients. I also lead two therapy groups. And I check insurance benefits and get treatment authorized for clients in the inpatient program. Pretty cool! 
• Got approved to start working on my supervised work hours that go toward my clinical license. So in 2 years, I can take another exam and be a License Clinical Social Worker.
• Signed a lease for a one bedroom apartment and I'm moving in a week! YAY! 
• Still doing personal therapy. Working on my sexual abuse, which is super great (not). 
• Haven't self-harmed in almost a year! It will be a year on August 22. It's a very strange feeling. 
• Basically, things are pretty great :)

As you can see, I've been a little busy, so maybe that's an excuse for not posting for six months. Maybe. But I wanted you guys to know that I haven't abandoned you! I miss writing this blog and reading your blogs. I will try to be more diligent about it, but I can't promised anything. Thanks for reading! 

Here's a quick picture of me. I don't do this very often, and I'll probably take it down, but enjoy it while it lasts! This is from graduation day :)

HELLO!

Hi! Wow, it's only been like two weeks since my last post - AMAZING! :)

So here's the scoop. I just started seeing my new substance abuse clients. I have five total now, but I've only seen two so far. Let me just say, it is SO DIFFERENT working with men than women. Up till now, all my clients have been women. And this man that I saw on Tuesday was suuuuper awkward. It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk. And then I think he felt awkward because we were talking about his multiple girlfriends (who don't know about each other...) and I think that he thought that I was judging him. Which I wasn't. But whatever. The other different thing about substance abuse clients is that many of them are on probation/parole, so I have to do extra paperwork and send reports to their probation/parole officers. Weird! And I might have to learn how to administer urine analysis tests. Ew.

Other than my new clients, things are okay. On Friday it'll be six months of no self-harm. Weird. Therapy is going well. We've just started talking about my sexual assault, so that kinda sucks. But I think that if we avoided the subject, then I'd just avoid it forever, and that's not helpful. I need to process this stuff so that I can be a better counselor and a better romantic partner and a better person.

UGGGGGGGGG I'm just so tired! I've been applying for jobs and stuff, and that's really exhausting. Yuck. I'll let you know if I get an interview or anything though! That would be awesome.

Love you all! :)

Stuff! :)

Things have been going okay since I last posted. I have managed to keep the cutting under control somewhat. I haven't done it in 8 days so far, which is good for me. I also saw that counselor at Student Health again, and he referred me to another school counselor. He said that I could try to see her for a while, and then decide if I want longer-term counseling. I haven't made an appointment with her yet, but I will soon.

The reason that I'm blogging today is because I have exciting news! Well, it's exciting for me. Do you all remember when I was interviewed by that researcher about pro-ana blogging in June 2011? Find the posts that mention it here and here. Anyway, she just published her research! And I'm in it!! I read her published article today, because I'm awesome and have access to journal articles through my university, and it was so cool! I could definitely tell which quotes in the article were said by me. I feel so famous! My name was changed, so no one would know that it was me, but it was still awesome! Let me know if you want to read the article; I have it saved on my computer and I can send it to you.

Oh hey, speaking of something completely different... I forgot to tell you guys something! I did a 3.5 day prayer fast about two weeks ago. I was participating in this prayer and fasting week that my church in Oregon was doing. So I didn't eat anything, and just drank water, for 3.5 days. And you know what? I didn't relapse! Since I was fasting for a healthy reason, I didn't have any body image issues during the fast. I didn't have any impulses to extend the fast and make it longer than originally planned, and I wasn't thinking about it in terms of weight loss. And once the fast was over, I was completely able to resume regular eating, no problem. Yay! I am so proud of myself, and thankful to God, for staying healthy throughout this whole thing. I knew that it could be dangerous for me, but I trusted Him and did it anyway. And I am so glad that I did :)

Well, I have SO MUCH HOMEWORK, so I'm going to do that. Love you all!

Grad School, OMG

So sorry about the long delay between posts! I would say that I will post more often... but I'm afraid that it's not true. I am starting graduate school classes tomorrow, and I feel like I will be more busy and have less time for blogging than before. LAME SAUCE. I'm in a weird mood, sorry.

So grad school! I finished up my summer job about two weeks ago, THANK GOODNESS. I was going a little crazy with the children and my supervisor. He was not the most fun person to work with, let me tell you. I am so glad that it's over, and that I will probably not have to do that job ever again, YAY! And then last week, I moved to St. Louis, Missouri! It was a little crazy and I had to do a lot of stuff in a short period of time, but I made it. My apartment is AMAZING. It's really cute and way bigger than I expected and awesome! I love my room and all my new furniture. I officially own a couch, a smaller couch chair thing, a bed, and various drawers and shelves. I have been cooking for myself and have officially cooked spaghetti and beans and rice. And they both tasted good! Amazing, haha. Not having a car has been an adventure, but my school provides a free bus/metro pass, which I have been using TONS. I took the bus to school today and then to Walgreens to get more allergy medication. And yesterday I took the bus to the grocery store and to a pizza place that was a few miles away. It is suuuper hot and humid here, and I am grateful for the air conditioned bus and not having to walk tons.

So classes start tomorrow, and I have Research Methods and Social Welfare Policies and Services. Sounds exciting, right? I think Tuesdays will be the most boring days. But I am excited to start classes and get a taste of grad school (orientation doesn't count).

Food stuff... is going okay. I didn't bring my scale, which I kind of regret. I have no idea what weight I am at. I know that I have been eating much healthier since I got here, mostly because I have no access to junk food. Going to the grocery store is too difficult to do every time I want chocolate. And when I do go to the grocery store, I purposely avoid buying candy and sugary things. So far, so good. But I am worried for when I get stressed... that's usually when I binge or eat lots of sugar.

I will update more later. I am sooo tired today! I love you all. I am sorry for neglecting you :(

Blarggggggggg

This is Meg <3

Sorry for not posting for such a long time; I think time just gets away from me, and I forget how long it's been. Lots of things have happened in the last month and a half. But I will talk about the following: 1) my job, 2) my school stuff, and 3) my food stuff.

My job. I started working five weeks ago, and it feels like FOREVER. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. But sometimes, it is just extremely exhausting and I can get burnt out quickly. This is why I don't want to work with kids full-time or for my real job. I can't handle them except for in small doses, and 30 hours/week is waaay more than small doses. I only have four weeks left, but I really wish it were less than that. I will be really excited to stop working and start school.

School stuff. I leave for St. Louis on August 17th, and it can't come fast enough. I registered for classes a few weeks ago, which was so exciting! I am taking five classes, which is apparently average, but I think it will be quite challenging. They are: Human Behavior, Research Methods, Social Justice and Human Diversity, Social Welfare Policies and Services, and Social Work Practice with Individuals/Families/Groups. I have taken classes in human behavior and research methods before, so my hope is that I can breeze through those and focus on the other three. Changing the subject slightly, my housemate moved into our apartment a few weeks ago, and it looks amazing! It is sooo much bigger than I expected, and everything looks brand new. I can't wait to move in :)

Food stuff. Sucks. Still at my highest weight ever, higher than last month. Hate. Don't know what to do.

We interrupt this blog post to bring you some sad news. Remember Meg, my cat who was sick last month? We had to put her to sleep. She had some sort of cancer, and it was growing very rapidly, and she was suffering. There was no treatment available and no money for treatment anyway, so we had to do it. I am really sad that she's gone, and I miss her tons, but I'm glad that she is not suffering anymore. I petted her and held her as she died, and I hope she knows that I loved her.

I guess that's about it. I love you guys, and I will try to keep you more updated. <3
Now look at this video of my cat Ginny (Meg's sister).

CRAZINESS update :)

I am SO SORRY I haven't posted in forever. For a while, I honestly forgot about this blog. My life has been a little hectic the last month or so, and I just totally flaked. One reason I haven't blogged is because I have been sans laptop and living off the computers in the psychology lounge at school. I sent in my laptop to Toshiba to fix the webcam, it came back with a cracked screen, I filed a complaint and sent it back, it came back cracked again, and I FINALLY got it back in one piece today. 1.5 months later. Geez.

Let me try to gather my thoughts. Here is a general synopsis of everything that has been happening:

1. My diet died, haha. I knew I couldn't keep it up, especially when I realized that I was getting a little obsessive. I started seeing things in terms of "good days" and "bad days" and "good foods" and "bad foods," and I knew it was time to stop. I have been eating pretty unhealthily since, but whatever. I'm not super bothered by it, as long as I stop eating so freaking much by graduation.
2. Eating stuff is okay, although I have been doing a lot of emotional/boredom/stress eating recently. Stupid girl hormones.
3. I'M GRADUATING IN 9 DAYS! OH MY GOSH! It's crazy. I finished classes on Wednesday, and my only final exam is on Tuesday (the 8th). And then I graduate on Sunday, May 13th. It is soooo weird to be almost done with my undergraduate career, but it feels good. I'm super ready to leave this place.
4. I picked a graduate school! In the fall, I will officially be going to the Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis! It's super expensive and I'm going to have crazy student loans (and so will my parents), but it will be worth it. Top program in the US, baby! I officially decided about a week ago, after I visited the school for a weekend. It was AMAZING and I'm so incredibly excited to be there in the fall. Orientation is the week of August 20th!
5. I am almost done with my thesis! All it needs are final edits, and then I'm finished. My adviser already graded it (without my permission, I might add) and I got an A! And I think I'm graduating with departmental honors! Yay!
6. I am happy. Like actually happy. No medication, no therapy. Happy! I know this is going to sound crazy, but it's God. Once I stopped freaking out, pitying myself, and using man-made techniques, and I started trusting Him with my depression, things got a thousand times better. I haven't felt depressed in almost two months, which is NUTS. This hasn't happened since I was 12! I'm amazing and truly blessed.
7. I have a summer job! I am (almost) officially working at the science museum that I work at every summer. Glad to have a job, but wishing I was in graduate school NOW instead of in August.
8. This semester has been a time of crazy spiritual growth, and I have become a lot closer to God recently. This has led to some surprising changes in my views, personally, religiously, and politically. But I am honestly okay with it all. I am at complete peace with my life and I'm ready for whatever God throws at me next. I live to do His will and build His kingdom! :)

Well, that's about it. I hope I haven't left anything out! There is so much to tell about the last month and a half, and there just isn't space. I love you all <3

Diet Update

This is Mocha; he's my kitty :)

Oh hay! It's been far too long. I have been busy and I honestly forgot about this blog. That seems to happen to me a lot. Things have been pretty great. It seems that there is no end to the amount of procrastination that I can accomplish. I haven't touched my thesis since spring break, and I want to have a draft done by Sunday... we'll see how that goes. I'm sure it's going to be fine; I just find myself with a serious lack of motivation and a paralyzing fear when it comes to writing my thesis.

My diet is going well. I had a friend confront me a little bit about it, because I don't have the best track record with dieting (hint: eating disorder relapse every time). And she's right; in my last post, I did sound a little more disordered than I meant to. But I feel like I have things under control, and I know what to do if things get out of control. I have to admit that I was counting calories for a few days. I mean, really, it's hard not to. But I've stopped. And I'm not obsessed with it or anything. I have definitely had some slip-ups, in terms of not following the "rules" of the diet. But I am not upset about them. I am really trying to look at this as more of a lifestyle change than anything else. Normal, healthy people don't eat dessert with every meal, plus candy in between. Normal, healthy people don't lose control and binge on a weekly basis. I want to be a normal, healthy person. And I think that starts with realizing that my eating isn't healthy. The changes that I've made to my diet have been legitimately healthy changes: less fried food, no sugar (like candy and such), no snacking unless actually hungry, less alcohol consumption. And I think I'm doing okay with everything. I haven't had the urge to starve myself, or to binge and purge. I'm not doing anything unhealthy with the food that I'm eating. And I haven't been getting obsessive about my exercise. I was going to exercise every day, but that is unrealistic, I realized. And I accidentally injured myself this week, so I have had to take time off. And that's okay with me, because I care more about my health than my exercise regime. So on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is completely relapsed and 10 is completely healthy, I would say I'm at around a 7. And that's pretty good for me.

In terms of my graduate school decision... I am no closer to deciding where to attend than I was two weeks ago. Both schools that I'm looking at have their pluses and minuses, and I just don't know yet which one has more pluses. I'll keep you posted.

Weeeelll, that's about it, I guess. Everyone have a great weekend! <3

Goals!

I have decided that I want to end my senior year of college on a healthy note. So I'm starting a healthy diet and exercise plan today. My friend and I are doing it together. Basically, we aren't eating sugar (like desserts and candy, which I shouldn't eat anyway because I gave up dessert for Lent) or fried food (like french fries), and trying to eat healthy stuff besides that. But nothing too crazy or restrictive, and NO COUNTING CALORIES. I have to admit, I am super tempted to count. But I'm not going to do it! I do NOT need a relapse right now. Or ever. I am super determined to stay in recovery.

As for the exercise, I am going to try to work out every day for 30 minutes. Maybe not Sunday. But again, I'm not going to stress out if I miss a day or can't do the full 30 minutes. I'm also going to make an effort to pace myself, so I don't injure myself or get crazy. I got a little obsessed with over-exercising during my last big relapse (March 2010), and I don't need that happening now either. I need to be healthy for grad school!

I have to admit though: I do want to lose weight. This isn't just for being healthy. I mean, I want to lose weight to be healthy. But I do want to lose weight. I want to lose 10 or 15 pounds before my sorority's formal on April 28th. It would be great if I could look hot in my dress! But either way, feeling healthier is the ultimate goal. And I'm not going to weigh myself all the time, I swear.

Sooo.... Peri gave me the idea to set some goals for this month! I like goals; they keep me motivated. So here they are:

1. Stop eating candy/desserts, unless absolutely necessary (like in dire emotional situations, like a failed exam, lol). 
2. Work out at least 3 times per week, but preferably every day.
3. Stop drinking so much! Only drink (alcohol) once this month max, and don't get too crazy. 
4. Finish a draft of my thesis by March 25th.
5. Figure out which graduate school I am going to (but if this goal doesn't happen, it is not the end of the world, since I don't have to tell WashU until May 1st). 

That's it! I will update ya'll and tell you how everything is going. 

Have a great week!

<3

Good stuff

Oh haaay! Things are going pretty well over here. I am almost done collecting data for my study!! I need one more participant, and then I'm DONE! Amazing... I thought I'd never get here. The trouble is, I have to find this last participant... I'll figure it out. But now that I'm almost done collecting data, I have to start analyzing the data and writing my actual thesis. Which sucks. I have to do a symposium (20 minute talk) on it on April 12th, and I hope to be almost done writing the whole thing by then. I mean, I barely have any other homework. How hard can it be? Haha :) I'll just have to rustle up some motivation. Anyone know where I can get some of that?

My medication taper is going well. I did 4 days on 350 mg (down from 400), and then got bored and impatient... so I skipped down to 200 mg. I know, not the smartest idea. But I'm fine! I've been on 200 mg for five days now. I thought I was having a few side effects during the first four days. I had some headaches and a serious loss of focus, but I think I was just tired. Since then, nothing. However, I am super sick right now, so I can't be sure. I have a cold. It suuuuuucks. But I got some really good drugs and that helps :) I'll keep you all updated on my progress and any side effects that occur from the taper.

I went out drinking last night, despite being sick. My sorority did golf (Google it, it's a drinking game), which was fun. I took a bunch of cold medicine so that I would feel well enough to go (maybe not smart, but whatever). I drank waaaaay too much, but what else is new? I don't remember half of my night, but the good news is that I spent that part of the night hanging out with friends (apparently), so nothing bad happened. I do have mysterious injuries though. My left knee really hurts, and so does the right side of my head. I think I must have fallen or something, and bumped my head and knee. Weird. I also woke up in the morning to find blood everywhere. Scary! It turns out that I had a bloody nose before going to bed. There was blood on the floor, blood on my towels, blood on the clothes I had been wearing. I did laundry today, and everything is good now, but it was kind of scary to wake up to!

Other than that... I actually am feeling pretty good these days. I don't know if it's the medication taper or what, but I haven't really been depressed at all. No suicidal thoughts (or at least no lasting ones; I always have passing ones). No cutting. No weird food stuff. I have been doing this new thing where I try to talk myself out of my negative thoughts. I learned it in my psych disorders class (haha). We talked about it during our unit on cognitive behavioral therapy. It involves distracting yourself from the negative cognition, analyzing what is distorted about the cognition, and disputing it. You dispute it by examining it, searching for alternative cognitions, and looking at the usefulness of the cognition. Let's have an example.
Let's say that I study really hard for an exam, but still get a B. I know, a B is a good grade for some people, but in my mind, it's not a good grade for me. Remember, I have a 3.8 GPA. Because of my "bad" grade, I decide that I'm stupid. This is clearly a negative cognition.
1) Distract: Think about other things to avoid ruminating about the grade.
2) Distort: This cognition is distorted because clearly, I have a 3.8 GPA. I wouldn't have a GPA like that if I was stupid.
3) Dispute: I kind of already did this one in 'distort.' But I can examine the cognition and search for alternatives. Like, "I am smart." Or, "A 'B' isn't a bad grade; it's above average!" Or, "I don't need to get good grades to prove that I'm smart. One B doesn't make me stupid." I can also look at the usefulness of the cognition (And it's not useful at all. In fact, it just brings me down and makes me feel horrible).

I have been having relatively good success with this. I just have to keep it up and quit the ruminating! Did you know that women are more likely to be depressed than men, partially because we tend to ruminate?

So I guess that's about it! I will update you all soon. <3

Another month...

This is Aaron Carter. PLEASE say you know him!

Oh, cute 90's pop stars...

I realize it's been another month since I've last posted. It's just so hard sometimes! It's overwhelming coming back and realizing that I've missed a month of other people's posts. By the time I get through reading everything, I'm so tired that I don't even want to blog. But whatever. Suck it up.

I'm back at school. I had winter break for three weeks, which was completely unproductive. I was supposed to work on thesis stuff, which I did not. Now I'm back, and wishing that I had. I'm taking two classes this semester: creative writing and psych disorders. I'm also doing my thesis experiment and being the department tutor for the psych department. My thesis experiment is coming along nicely. I'm running a few pilot participants this weekend (assuming my candy actually comes in the mail) to see how the timing goes and everything. Remember, my thesis is on the effects of anxiety and observation on eating behavior in disordered eaters. I'm recruiting disordered eaters, making them anxious (or not), watching them (or not), giving them food, and seeing what happens. Should be fun!

I'm trying to make this semester better than last semester. My prescriber upped my meds over break, so that might help. So far, so good. I am trying to sleep more, but have only been getting 5-6 hours per night because I get up at 6 am every day. Going to be before 11 pm is hard! But sleeping is worth it :)

I was having a little trouble with rape stuff, because I had several conversations with different people about my rape/rape in general, and there is a girl who sided with my rapist who just came back from abroad. So that's been interesting, but oh well. It was only a few days, and it wasn't much. I am trying to utilize God and my friends when I'm feeling upset, instead of turning it on myself.

OH! I got accepted to a graduate school! It's my top choice: Washington University in St. Louis, the Brown School of Social Work. I had an interview for scholarships today (ahhh!!), and I should find out if I get any scholarships between February 1st and 15th. YAY! I'm super excited. I don't know if I can go to WashU if I don't get scholarships, but my dad hinted that maybe we could make it work. YAY! SO EXCITED! It's been a good few weeks.

Other than that... Christmas was good. I got a new laptop (it's super sweet). Graduation is super soon (freak out). School is school.
Peace out, kids :)

Wow, I'm depressing

HE'S SO HAPPY!!!!

Ok, so I'm pretty sure that part of that last post was PMS. The funny thing is, my period never came... but I swear I had PMS. It's 5 days late at this point. No worries, I'm not preggers. Haha, that would be hilarious! I haven't been with anyone in over a year. I think it's the stress. I have never actually skipped a period before... interesting.

Speaking of sex... I have been contemplating reclaiming my virginity and not having sex again until marriage (Clarification: reclaiming my virginity doesn't mean pretending that I haven't had sex; it just means that I'm going to be a "virgin" in the sense that I won't have sex again till marriage. This is an edit, since I got a comment that made me think I needed to clarify.). My sister's going to laugh at me, I know it. I also know that she is going to say that I've gone all crazy Christian on her. Well, maybe I have. God is a huge part of my life, and that's the way I want it. Not that I'm going to get all preachy on you guys, but it's only fair that I share with you the most important thing to me. I can't talk about myself and not talk about God too. God has gotten me through some pretty tough stuff, and I trust Him to keep doing so. I am so thankful to be His child. But that's all I'll say, unless you guys want to talk about it.

Things have been better since I blogged last. Almost immediately after I blogged, stuff started calming down. I finished my thesis proposal and my grad school stuff is being put off until I receive comments from my professors on my personal statements. So I actually slept this week! I am trying to make God the center of my life, not school work. Yes, school is obviously important, but there are more important things in life. Am I really going to look back in 10 years and say, "Dang, I was so lazy! I should have tried harder." No! I will probably think, "Wow, I wish I had stressed less, slept more, and enjoyed life." So I have been trying. I had an exam that I didn't study for, and it was fine. I studied for about 30 minutes before the exam, couldn't answer half the questions, and still got a 91 percent. So you know what? It doesn't even matter. I'm not saying that I shouldn't study, but I am saying that I shouldn't freak out and not sleep and then stress after the exam about what grade I might have gotten. I can only do so much. I am only human.

So onward to the present! I am finishing up my graduate school applications during this weekend. They are due December 1st (well, the first one is, so I'm trying to get them all in by then). I am starting to have final projects and papers due, so I have to think about that. But whatever. I will get it done and not die in the process.

Today is Thanksgiving! Well, by the time I post this, it will be the day after Thanksgiving. But still. I stayed at school, which I also did last year. It is nice to have some time to myself. Of course, I actually have to start working tomorrow, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. The food was frickin delicious. My dining hall really goes all out on Thanksgiving :) Yumminess! I was briefly tempted to purge because I was so so so full (I will never eat again, that's how full I am), but it was a 30 second contemplation before I decided that a) it would be silly, and b) I was too lazy. For once, my laziness is paying off! Lol :)

Well, this blog has gotten long enough. I love you all, and I hope you had wonderful Thanksgivings too! I am thankful for you all <3

Shuffling, every day I am

It's crazy that I haven't blogged in so long! It's been like 12 days! I'm so sorry, I have just been CRAAAAZY busy. The last two weeks are a blur. Let's start at the beginning. I've had a TON of stuff to do for graduate school applications. I wrote two personal statements in two days, and then another a few days later. Sleeping hasn't been happening much... I generally get 3-4 hours of sleep per night, but this week I had a period of 65 hours when I didn't sleep at all. I pulled two all-nighters, for a total of almost three days no sleep. It was super intense, and horribly exhausting (although kind of exhilarating at the same time!). I just had so much work with grad school stuff, homework, and thesis, that sleeping didn't happen. So yah, that was my last week.

Last weekend, I went to an amazing conference in Green Lake, Wisconsin. It was the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship Fall Conference (aka CrossTraining). It was an awesome weekend! My track (class, basically) was called On Campus, On Purpose and it was just basics for living life as a Christian on a college campus. Kind of silly for me, since I'm a senior, but it was also good because I'm going to a difference campus for graduate school, and it had some basic stuff that I never knew about. There was some stuff about evangelism, some stuff about making sure that God is the leader of your life (not other things, like money or grades), and LOTS of worship! That's the best part :) It was an incredible weekend, and I want to go back!

So yah... that's pretty much been the last two weeks. I am hoping that this week will involve more sleep (hahaha yah right) and less crazy. Oh, and I haven't cut in over a week! I haven't really wanted to that much either :) My eating has been pretty much fine too.

Well, have a wonderful Sunday, everyone, and a great week! <3

Halloween is soon!

Hello! It's been exactly a week since I posted. Good news: I have been feeling a bit better and not cutting. Yay! Fall break got to me, I guess. Graduate school applications are still weighing down on me, but I'm not working on them every day, so I think that helps me to not get so overwhelmed.

Since I last posted... I got my personal statement for Washington University School of Social Work done, at least a good draft. Now I just have to translate and squish it into three other applications and answer their random questions too. But it's a good start. My plan is to work on that some tonight. Homework... it seems to be easing up a bit, although I'm sure that will change very soon. Right now I feel less stressed out than usual.

I am super tired all the time, so I started taking a multivitamin. We'll see if that helps. I just started today! Hopefully if I take it most of the time (I will forget, it's only natural), then it will be good for me. I'm definitely vitamin/mineral deficient in some ways. I am also trying to be a bit healthier with my eating and not eat so much junk. Maybe cut back on the diet soda and drink more herbal tea as a substitute. And stop eating so much dessert (especially when I'm not hungry or don't like it much, but eat it anyway). Yay healthy eating! Let's see how long this lasts...

It's Halloween this weekend! My sorority is playing this drinking game called golf on Saturday night. I've done this many times before, and it generally ends in disaster and me being ridiculously drunk. You have 8 or 10 "holes" which are in different people's room, and there is a different drink in each hole. Generally people do a hole in pairs or groups. For example, if I did a hole, I would have a partner and we would make jello shots. People would come and drink/eat the shots, and the depart to the next hole. It gets you drunk suuuuper fast. So I've enlisted a buddy. I asked a sub-free friend to check in on me in the middle of the event to see how drunk I am. My plan is to only drink a little bit at each hole, but we know how well that works... so if I'm too drunk, she can come rescue me.  The theme is Halloween, of course, and I am going to be a present. As in, I bought a bow (like for a birthday present) at Walmart and I am going to put it on my head. Classy, I know :)

Ok, I should really get some work done. Ya'll are awesome for reading my boring ramblings! Love ya <3

Hello! I'm sorry it's been so long... almost two weeks. I've been avoiding blogging, partially because of so much freaking homework and partially because of shame. Sometimes I feel like I can't write on here because there are so many people in real life who read it now. Don't get me wrong: I like having people read this. I love that I don't even have to say anything, because the people in my life already know what's going on. Especially since I NEVER see anyone anymore. I only see people if they are a) eating a meal with me, or b) doing homework with me. SAD. But sometimes I feel like if I post something bad, I will get a flurry of phone calls and texts as soon as people read it. It's a catch 22.

So here's the scoop: I've been cutting again. Oops. I don't even remember why I started. It was probably about a week and a half ago, maybe slightly less. And I've been cutting a lot, pretty much every day. I haven't cut in a few days now though :) I think a lot of it is stress. I am just so overwhelmed with everything. Homework, graduate school stuff, sorority stuff, thesis stuff. I think I'm just psyching myself out too. I get freaked out, I start thinking I can't do it, I start beating myself up because I'm a stupid idiot who can't do anything right, I'm a failure, no one loves me (not true, I know), I suck at life. Rational me realizes that most of this is false, but in-the-moment me thinks it's all true.

The other day, a friend today me that I had betrayed her confidence. I didn't even remember what she was talking about, because it was a long time ago, but it hurt me so much that I had hurt her. I hated myself. I still hate myself for that. I need to not talk about other people. It's a bad habit and I need to stop. But that whole situation was triggering too...

Ok, this is depressing. Sorry! Happy things: It's fall break right now, which is awesome! I have been sleeping in till 11 am every day. On Sunday, my best friend and I watched Castle (a TV show) all day and didn't do any homework. Today I worked on my graduate school applications and personal statement. Uggg. It sucked, but I have a page! That's better than this morning, so that's a victory right there. Tomorrow I should make more progress and I will have it finished by the end of the week. Yay! After break, things will speed up again, and I will get super stressed out/not sleeping much again. I hope this week is a good break, because crazy is coming back soon...

Well, I'm wiped out. I'm going to sleep :) Love you all!

FREEEEEEEEE

Hey :) I'm doing quite a bit better than my last post. I continued to not sleep last week, and part of this week (oops...). But tonight, I will sleep some! I am back home from the Psych Ward (aka the psychology lounge) and it's before 1 am!! That's pretty amazing, let me tell you. Now that my thesis research is done and I've moved on to the methods and such, things are getting a lot easier. But I don't want to get cocky: things could get a lot harder tomorrow. I still have hard classes, and things are about to get a little tougher because midterms are next week... I think I have two. Ew.

Other than school.... oh wait, there is nothing else. Just kidding! Here's something else incredible: I have stopped taking pain medication. Some background: I have chronic Achilles tendonitis, which causes me to be in pain all day, every day. Sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse. Walking sucks. Sitting sometimes sucks. Standing really sucks. So I take a lot of ibuprofen. I also get headaches every day. And because of these two combined pain factors, I take A LOT of pain medication. I usually take at least 4 ibuprofen per day, and if that doesn't work for my headache, I will take Excedrin or something else. I am the queen of pain medication. I have a stash on me at all times. I also get migraines, but that's not as related to this.

Something to note: NSAIDs are super bad for you in large quantities. They can damage your liver, give you ulcers, and KILL YOU. BADDDDDD.

So the point is that I am basically dependent on NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs). And when you take NSAIDs like ibuprofen for headaches at least once daily for years, you get these things called rebound headaches. It's kind of like caffeine withdrawal. The original cause of the headache is no longer present, and eventually you are just treating the ibuprofen withdrawal headache. I know that I have these, but it's scary going off all pain medications! Well, NSAIDs. But I decided that enough is enough. I have to take care of myself for once! So I stopped taking them five days ago... and all hell broke loose. Day 1 wasn't too good, but I could handle it. Regular headache. Days 2 and 3: migraines almost all day, both days. Around 2 or 3 pm on both days, it hit me like a truck. I got almost no homework done this weekend. BUT... after day 3, nothing bad! On day 4, I had a small headache but it went away (which NEVER happens- I have to take pain meds to make headaches go away EVERY TIME). And today was day 5: NO HEADACHE AT ALL. WHAAAAAAT??!!? So weird! I am not used to not hurting. Of course, my Achilles tendons hurt, but whatever. They always hurt.

So that's great! It's nice to be free from pain meds, or at least almost free. I don't know if the migraines will pop back up later this week. Taking migraine medication is fine though, because it's not an NSAID. But yah, that's pretty much it. I got ridiculously drunk the weekend before last... don't remember much. I also drank last weekend, but it was controlled-ish. My friend got suuuuper sick, so that sobered me up pretty quick.

I don't know what else! Love you all <3

To clarify...

Hey guys! So I got a comment on my last blog that made me think I needed to clarify some things about my eating disorder. Here is the comment: 
"I don't think you should do anything with disordered eating if you still have an e.d. It's hypocritical and someone might find out, ya know?"

I'm just confused mostly, because I don't have an eating disorder anymore. Clearly, this is a recovery blog (since it says RECOVERY at the top, in the title description). I had bulimia and EDNOS in high school and the beginning of college, but now I'm recovering. I don't meet any sort of criteria for any clinical level of an eating disorder. I don't engage in behaviors such as restricting, purging, fasting, overexercising, etc. Yes, I did have a slip-up 36 days ago, when I purged. But really, that happens once in a blue moon, and that's just part of recovery; you win some and you lose some. But I always get it back :) And yes, I have disordered eating habits. I eat weird things. I skip dinner occasionally (but not on purpose, it just sort of happens). I eat unhealthily large amounts of chocolate and Twizzlers when I'm stressed. I dislike my body sometimes. I avoid certain clothing items because they makes me look fat(ter). But I'm not eating disordered; just a little messed up, like the rest of the world. 


Another thing: This comment mentioned that people might find out about my eating disorder. Weeeeeell, they already know. I am completely open about it. If it comes up, I will tell people. I have a tattoo of the ED recovery symbol, and if people ask me about it, I will tell them exactly what it is and why I have it. I even did a presentation in high school, after my first bout with bulimia, about my ED and general ED info. So I'm very open and honest. That's just my style. After lying and cheating and hiding for eight years, I am tired of it and I want to be free. So I tell. And it's awesome, let me tell you :)


So that's that. I just thought I'd clarify those points. Megan, person who commented, I'm not upset with you. I am curious though: how is it hypocritical for me to do an experiment about disordered eating? I am not seeing it, but perhaps I'm missing it. Just let me know, if you can. 


Ok, BEDTIME. So tired! <3

Finally able to blog!

I'm sorry it's been so long! I have been trying to blog since I got back to school, but it hasn't been working. First, my internet was totally down. I couldn't connect with an ethernet cord (plugged into the wall) or through wireless. So I finally got it fixed on Monday, but was suuuuper busy because of classes starting. So on Tuesday, I was going to blog, but my newly fixed internet was screwed up again. And since then, every night between 9 pm and 1 am, I can't get online. I think my wireless router is really old (like 3 years, which isn't that much, but whatever) and it can't handle all the traffic. Everyone on campus is doing homework between those times, so the system gets overloaded. Which sucks, because that's when I do homework too! I guess I'll have to go somewhere else if I need the internet for homework during those times. But anyhoo, I literally haven't been able to blog until tonight, because during the day I am too busy and at night I have no internet.

Soooo, school started again! Classes began on Tuesday. But let's back up a bit. I left for school on Saturday morning and met my friend Isabel at the airport in Chicago, since she lives there now. We took the bus to my school together, because she wanted to visit. She stayed with my until Tuesday afternoon.

So remember how she realized how she had feelings for me and we decided to just be friends, because she has a boyfriend, so we can't be more than friends? See this post. Well, we fail at that. I was prepared to be just friends, even though I was wishing that we weren't, and that didn't happen. We ended up doing non-friend stuff, but nothing explicit like making out. Just long, long hugs and snuggling and such. We talked about it, and I'm still not sure what we are going to do, because she will probably come to visit again... I can't do this anymore. We either need to be friends, or more than friends. We can't go back and forth! It's very confusing. My brain is lost.

I know that all sounded negative, but it was really nice to have her here. I LOVED seeing her again. I missed her so much! As a friend and as more. We had lots of fun together and it was really cool to have her staying with me. When she left, it felt super weird to have an empty room, because she had been here since I moved in. I miss her again already!! :-(

Besides that, I've just been having classes. And let me tell you, senior year is going to SUCK. I like my classes so far (or mostly, I guess), but there is SO MUCH READING. I am taking Advanced Social Psych, History and Systems of Psych (required for graduation...), and intro to art history. And my thesis, of course, but it's not an actual class period. All of my classes have an insane amount of reading, especially art history. I literally spent four or five hours reading the chapters that were assigned for today. AHHH!! It's not that interesting either. I'm taking it because I need another class outside of my major to graduate. But yes, I suddenly understand why the seniors last year seemed to live in the science building. It's because they had so much work to do that they could never leave! I think the science center will become my home this semester. And I haven't even worked on my thesis in two weeks... I hope this gets better, but I know it will only get worse. But I do like my classes, except art history. So that's the good news.

I guess that's pretty much it... since I've been so busy with school and a bit of sorority stuff, I haven't had time for anything else (not even sleep...). I'm sick right now, probably because of lack of sleep and stress. Just a cold. I feel like crap, so I might go to bed. Or do more homework... blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Love you guys! Have a good weekend!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

This is how I feel right now :)

So I'm going back to school on Saturday!!! Just two more days of work to go, and then I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! SO EXCITED! I am really pumped to get back to school and see all my friends and start classes again. Also, my friend Isabel, who is currently living in Chicago because she graduated, is riding the bus to school with me. She wanted to visit my school this weekend anyway, so it just worked out that we could ride together. Yay three hours of talking! :-D

I am only taking three classes this semester, and I'm starting work on my senior thesis. As a psychology major, you have to be invited to do a thesis. This is because your thesis must be a psychological experiment, which takes department money and advisor time, and there aren't enough professors and money to let everyone do that. Everyone else gets to do Senior Seminar. So I got invited, and I'm planning to do my thesis on something related to disordered eating (shocker, right?). At this point, it is looking like anxiety, body image, or media related stuff. I don't know yet though, because I've barely started my preliminary research. I have all of first semester to plan and propose my experiment, and then I conduct it and write it up during second semester. Yay! I am nervous but excited. 

On another note, I did a TON of clothes shopping this past weekend and ended up with some great stuff!! And the good news is that I did all this shopping, and emerged with my body image and self esteem intact. I found myself blaming the clothes instead of my body when something didn't fit. I probably tried on upwards of 40 pairs of jeans before I found some that fit, but I acknowledged that this was not my body's fault, but just indicative of the way jeans are mass-produced. So yay! It's been quite a while since I've shopped and felt good about my body while doing so. I ended up with two pairs of jeans and about seven shirts. Plus a pair of heels (yay!) and a pair of flats, both black. This is a pic of the heels: 

So pretty! :) I'm excited, because I can NEVER find heels that fit my feet. Awesomeness!

Ok, that's about it. I'm going to go back to freaking out about when I'm going to pack... Love you all! <3

Goals!

Not much to report here. I have my period, which makes me a raging bitch. Grr! It's funny, when I was on birth control, I had more cramps, longer and heavier periods, but less bitchiness. Off birth control now, and I have less cramps, shorter and lighter periods, but a crapton more bitchiness. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around, at least for the cramps and length and heaviness? Weird.

I've been baking non-stop recently, making tons of cupcakes and brownies for various events and people. I finally found a sub for when I'm gone (cuz I go back to school in a week, so I'm missing the last week of the kid's classes). Thank goodness! I had to offer baked goods, which reeled someone in. Speaking of baked goods, ALL I WANT RIGHT NOW IS CHOCOLATE! PLEASE FEED ME!

Still no let-up in the flashbacks while driving. LAME. I made a new playlist on my iPod for non-triggering songs. Too bad they are mostly lame songs... But on another note, my body. It sucks. I just feel gross and pudgy. I'm back at the weight I was when I was a freshman in college, which was gross. I feel fat in all my clothes and especially fat because I'm bloated from my period. I am really hoping that going back to school will be good for me and my eating. Here are my goals for the semester (food and non-food):

Food Goals (NOT RULES)

• Eat one dessert per day, max.
• Don't drink soda unless I'm out to eat or ordering food on a Sunday night (no dinner is served in the dining halls on Sunday nights, so we have to find our own food). 
• Work out at least twice a week (preferably with my workout buddy!). 
• Avoid obsessing over these goals, food in general, working out, and my body. 
• When going to Walgreens or Walmart, do not get large amounts of chocolate or junk food; pick healthier snacks that would be good for late night hunger. 
• When bored while studying, only eat when actually hungry (shocking, I know!). 

Non-food Goals

• Obsess less over grades and GPA. 
• That being said, try to get good grades and impress professors. 
• Try to convince professors to let me knit in class (I have all new professors/a professor that won't let me knit; tragedy!!!!). 
• Get all my homework done early so that I can either a) get ahead, or b) hang with friends more. 
• Before the semester gets too hard (aka, before spring break), figure out which graduate schools to apply to and write a draft of my personal statement. 

That looks good for now! Ok, there's a cat sleeping on half of my computer, and I have to shower before my therapy appointment. Love you all!

My happy place

This is from The Sound of Music. Please say that you guys knew that! :)

I realized something yesterday, as I was driving home. I am at my happiest, most excited, when I am driving and listening to the radio and singing. I get really giddy and sometimes can't sing half the song because I'm giggling. It's a wonderful way to start off the work day, because it makes me feel like it will be a good day. It's also a pick-me-up at the end of the day, when I'm super exhausted from working with the kids. Unfortunately, singing in my room or the shower doesn't have quite the same effect (wonder why?), but I still feel happy when I'm doing that too. Anyway, I thought that was very interesting and potentially useful for future reference.

Yesterday and today were good. No purging, no restricting, no cutting. I feel like a fat cow, but that can't be helped. I mean, it can, but it will take longer than 5 minutes to make my brain believe that I'm not a fat cow. Anyhoo, my family decided to drive back from California in one day instead of two, so we spent 11 hours driving yesterday. Fun! Not. I was super bitchy all weekend for some reason, including and especially yesterday, but I'm doing ok today. It is suuuuuper nice to have a whole day off from work to do nothing. This week I will only work 3 days instead of 5, since I was gone yesterday and today, which sounds heavenly. And after this week, only 2 more to go before I go back to school!!!

The only hiccup is that since my sister is back, she wants to use my car. And of course, she is probably going to get her way. Which means that I will probably have to drive my dad's car to work every day. I hate my dad's car. It's a stick shift, which is fine, except I just hate his particular stick shift. It just feels wrong and I hate driving it. I will seriously take the bus to work, which would take hours, to avoid having to drive that car. Ugg. I'm hoping that I can convince my parents to let me use my mom's car, which is still not my favorite, but is alright. Either way they would be carpooling, so why does it matter which car they take? I don't know. What I really want is for them to make my sister drive mom's car, but that probably won't happen.

I have to babysit for my neighbor tonight, which I am slightly terrified of. I am good with kids, but not little kids. She 3 girls: a 4-year-old and 2-year-old twins. I am hoping that things will go smoothly. Their mom said that it would probably be an easy, pizza-movie-popcorn night, which sounds doable. Wish me luck!

Talk to ya'll later :)