Craaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyy

WARNING: This post is being written on the worst day of my period (aka the day that I go crazy and emotional everywhere). Beware. This could get ugly and does not represent my normal headspace.

BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay, now that that's out of my system.
I quit therapy.
And now I'm questioning everything. Maybe that was a bad idea? Maybe I should try to find a different therapist? Maybe I'm beyond help and should just quit while I'm ahead?

I quit therapy because I don't like my therapist. At all. She says condescending things and doesn't understand how I think AT ALL. I thought I could deal with it, but I can't. So I cancelled my appointment with her (that was scheduled for today). I think she'll get the hint that I'm quitting. And this is weird for me! I have never quit therapy before. I have never done this before. And now I feel suuuuuuper guilty. WHHHYYYYYYYY.

Part of me thinks that I'll be fine. I have survived without therapy before, and I don't think it was working anyway. And I can always do therapy on myself, since I'm in three different therapy classes this summer. But the other part of me thinks that this is terrible and I'm screwed. I mean, how can I maintain professional sanity when I haven't worked through my shit?
Things that still need work:
- Self esteem
- Not blaming myself for the sexual assault
- Not eating my feelings (aka ice cream and chocolate when I'm upset or bored)
- Not having the urge to self-harm

These are relatively significant things. Don't worry, I haven't self-harmed at all. I just think about it sometimes. Not as much as I used to think about it. But more than I am comfortable with. I need to be a mental health professional, dammit! I can't have mental health issues myself!

So I don't know. That's what's happening in my head right now. Basically I feel guilty and freaked out and I'm waiting for this to pass.

Love you guys :)

Grad School, OMG

So sorry about the long delay between posts! I would say that I will post more often... but I'm afraid that it's not true. I am starting graduate school classes tomorrow, and I feel like I will be more busy and have less time for blogging than before. LAME SAUCE. I'm in a weird mood, sorry.

So grad school! I finished up my summer job about two weeks ago, THANK GOODNESS. I was going a little crazy with the children and my supervisor. He was not the most fun person to work with, let me tell you. I am so glad that it's over, and that I will probably not have to do that job ever again, YAY! And then last week, I moved to St. Louis, Missouri! It was a little crazy and I had to do a lot of stuff in a short period of time, but I made it. My apartment is AMAZING. It's really cute and way bigger than I expected and awesome! I love my room and all my new furniture. I officially own a couch, a smaller couch chair thing, a bed, and various drawers and shelves. I have been cooking for myself and have officially cooked spaghetti and beans and rice. And they both tasted good! Amazing, haha. Not having a car has been an adventure, but my school provides a free bus/metro pass, which I have been using TONS. I took the bus to school today and then to Walgreens to get more allergy medication. And yesterday I took the bus to the grocery store and to a pizza place that was a few miles away. It is suuuper hot and humid here, and I am grateful for the air conditioned bus and not having to walk tons.

So classes start tomorrow, and I have Research Methods and Social Welfare Policies and Services. Sounds exciting, right? I think Tuesdays will be the most boring days. But I am excited to start classes and get a taste of grad school (orientation doesn't count).

Food stuff... is going okay. I didn't bring my scale, which I kind of regret. I have no idea what weight I am at. I know that I have been eating much healthier since I got here, mostly because I have no access to junk food. Going to the grocery store is too difficult to do every time I want chocolate. And when I do go to the grocery store, I purposely avoid buying candy and sugary things. So far, so good. But I am worried for when I get stressed... that's usually when I binge or eat lots of sugar.

I will update more later. I am sooo tired today! I love you all. I am sorry for neglecting you :(

Blarggggggggg

This is Meg <3

Sorry for not posting for such a long time; I think time just gets away from me, and I forget how long it's been. Lots of things have happened in the last month and a half. But I will talk about the following: 1) my job, 2) my school stuff, and 3) my food stuff.

My job. I started working five weeks ago, and it feels like FOREVER. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. But sometimes, it is just extremely exhausting and I can get burnt out quickly. This is why I don't want to work with kids full-time or for my real job. I can't handle them except for in small doses, and 30 hours/week is waaay more than small doses. I only have four weeks left, but I really wish it were less than that. I will be really excited to stop working and start school.

School stuff. I leave for St. Louis on August 17th, and it can't come fast enough. I registered for classes a few weeks ago, which was so exciting! I am taking five classes, which is apparently average, but I think it will be quite challenging. They are: Human Behavior, Research Methods, Social Justice and Human Diversity, Social Welfare Policies and Services, and Social Work Practice with Individuals/Families/Groups. I have taken classes in human behavior and research methods before, so my hope is that I can breeze through those and focus on the other three. Changing the subject slightly, my housemate moved into our apartment a few weeks ago, and it looks amazing! It is sooo much bigger than I expected, and everything looks brand new. I can't wait to move in :)

Food stuff. Sucks. Still at my highest weight ever, higher than last month. Hate. Don't know what to do.

We interrupt this blog post to bring you some sad news. Remember Meg, my cat who was sick last month? We had to put her to sleep. She had some sort of cancer, and it was growing very rapidly, and she was suffering. There was no treatment available and no money for treatment anyway, so we had to do it. I am really sad that she's gone, and I miss her tons, but I'm glad that she is not suffering anymore. I petted her and held her as she died, and I hope she knows that I loved her.

I guess that's about it. I love you guys, and I will try to keep you more updated. <3
Now look at this video of my cat Ginny (Meg's sister).

Oh summer...

Ugg, you guys, my summer is not going the way I want it to so far. My room still isn't fully unpacked, even though I got home three weeks ago. Here is what it looked like last week:

And here is what it looks like now:

Better, but not great. There are still crazy piles of stuff everywhere, and this doesn't even show you the mess in the bathroom! So that's annoying, and it's freaking me out. As a clean person, it makes me anxious to have such a mess. But I just have NO motivation to clean it! I don't understand! It's like finishing college made me lose my motivation for anything.

Speaking of college, I am officially a college graduate! I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, departmental honors and summa cum laude :) It was really sad to leave all my friends behind, but I am glad to be moving forward with my life. I loved my school while I was there, but I needed to leave. Luckily, some of my friends live in Oregon or St. Louis, so I will see them again! Speaking of St. Louis, I leave for graduate school on August 17th! Orientation starts August 20th and classes start August 28th. I'm super pumped. I also have an apartment and a roommate! Her name is Chloe (not her real name, for privacy reasons) and she is 25. She will also be a 1st year student in the social work program. She has a deposit on a great apartment that is a 20 minute walk from campus, 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, washer and dryer in the unit. The price is decent, and my parents are helping, so we can make it work. I'm super excited to start my new life in St. Louis! 2.5 months, baby.

I haven't started my summer job yet, but I will be working at the science museum that I worked at last summer. I start June 18th, and I'm doing aftercare again. I will work 12-6 pm every day. I hope that this is the summer that I will finally prove that I am an adult, that I can control my emotions around the kids, and that I can make a good impression on my supervisors. Man, I am not cut out for working with kids...

Food and body image sucks. I can't seem to get my chocolate consumption under control. I'm still at my highest weight ever, and it sucks balls. I really dislike my body, and because of that, I have wanted to hurt myself for the first time since I stopped taking my meds. Not cool! Of course, it was a very small urge and I didn't act on it. I just really want to be healthier, but I'm having a hard time doing it. I'm tired of being fat and lazy, and I just want to be a normal person.

Finally, the last big thing happening in my life is that my cat is sick :( Her name is Meg, and she and her sister Ginny are my kitties. They grew up in my room, and I am their mommy. She started losing a lot of weight in the last few weeks, and I didn't notice right away, because I just figured that I was making it up. But my dad noticed this weekend, and we took her to the vet on Monday. A few years ago, she weighed 11 pounds, and now she weighs 8 pounds (or she did on Monday). We found out from the vet that she had a fever, she was really dehydrated, and her kidneys were swollen and lumpy. They took blood and urine samples, and found that she has a bladder infection. However, they don't think that this is the cause of her weight loss. They gave us some oral antibiotics, which made her throw up, so they had to give her an antibiotic shot. Tomorrow, if she is not significantly better, she may need an ultrasound to figure out what's wrong with her kidneys. I am taking her in first thing in the morning so they can assess her and give her IV fluids. I am super worried that she won't be much better, and my parents don't want to pay for the ultrasound. I don't want my kitty to die!! I am praying that she gets a lot better overnight and the antibiotic shot will fix her. She seems a little perkier already, and she ate food and drank water without throwing up tonight. I'll let you know what happens. Here are some cute pictures of her:

She is so cute! I love her so much <3

Last thing: my friend is doing okay (you know, from the last post). Of course, suicidality doesn't just go away, so I am still praying for her, and I encourage you to do the same. She is an amazing person, and I definitely want to see her live :)

Diet Update

This is Mocha; he's my kitty :)

Oh hay! It's been far too long. I have been busy and I honestly forgot about this blog. That seems to happen to me a lot. Things have been pretty great. It seems that there is no end to the amount of procrastination that I can accomplish. I haven't touched my thesis since spring break, and I want to have a draft done by Sunday... we'll see how that goes. I'm sure it's going to be fine; I just find myself with a serious lack of motivation and a paralyzing fear when it comes to writing my thesis.

My diet is going well. I had a friend confront me a little bit about it, because I don't have the best track record with dieting (hint: eating disorder relapse every time). And she's right; in my last post, I did sound a little more disordered than I meant to. But I feel like I have things under control, and I know what to do if things get out of control. I have to admit that I was counting calories for a few days. I mean, really, it's hard not to. But I've stopped. And I'm not obsessed with it or anything. I have definitely had some slip-ups, in terms of not following the "rules" of the diet. But I am not upset about them. I am really trying to look at this as more of a lifestyle change than anything else. Normal, healthy people don't eat dessert with every meal, plus candy in between. Normal, healthy people don't lose control and binge on a weekly basis. I want to be a normal, healthy person. And I think that starts with realizing that my eating isn't healthy. The changes that I've made to my diet have been legitimately healthy changes: less fried food, no sugar (like candy and such), no snacking unless actually hungry, less alcohol consumption. And I think I'm doing okay with everything. I haven't had the urge to starve myself, or to binge and purge. I'm not doing anything unhealthy with the food that I'm eating. And I haven't been getting obsessive about my exercise. I was going to exercise every day, but that is unrealistic, I realized. And I accidentally injured myself this week, so I have had to take time off. And that's okay with me, because I care more about my health than my exercise regime. So on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is completely relapsed and 10 is completely healthy, I would say I'm at around a 7. And that's pretty good for me.

In terms of my graduate school decision... I am no closer to deciding where to attend than I was two weeks ago. Both schools that I'm looking at have their pluses and minuses, and I just don't know yet which one has more pluses. I'll keep you posted.

Weeeelll, that's about it, I guess. Everyone have a great weekend! <3

Goals!

I have decided that I want to end my senior year of college on a healthy note. So I'm starting a healthy diet and exercise plan today. My friend and I are doing it together. Basically, we aren't eating sugar (like desserts and candy, which I shouldn't eat anyway because I gave up dessert for Lent) or fried food (like french fries), and trying to eat healthy stuff besides that. But nothing too crazy or restrictive, and NO COUNTING CALORIES. I have to admit, I am super tempted to count. But I'm not going to do it! I do NOT need a relapse right now. Or ever. I am super determined to stay in recovery.

As for the exercise, I am going to try to work out every day for 30 minutes. Maybe not Sunday. But again, I'm not going to stress out if I miss a day or can't do the full 30 minutes. I'm also going to make an effort to pace myself, so I don't injure myself or get crazy. I got a little obsessed with over-exercising during my last big relapse (March 2010), and I don't need that happening now either. I need to be healthy for grad school!

I have to admit though: I do want to lose weight. This isn't just for being healthy. I mean, I want to lose weight to be healthy. But I do want to lose weight. I want to lose 10 or 15 pounds before my sorority's formal on April 28th. It would be great if I could look hot in my dress! But either way, feeling healthier is the ultimate goal. And I'm not going to weigh myself all the time, I swear.

Sooo.... Peri gave me the idea to set some goals for this month! I like goals; they keep me motivated. So here they are:

1. Stop eating candy/desserts, unless absolutely necessary (like in dire emotional situations, like a failed exam, lol). 
2. Work out at least 3 times per week, but preferably every day.
3. Stop drinking so much! Only drink (alcohol) once this month max, and don't get too crazy. 
4. Finish a draft of my thesis by March 25th.
5. Figure out which graduate school I am going to (but if this goal doesn't happen, it is not the end of the world, since I don't have to tell WashU until May 1st). 

That's it! I will update ya'll and tell you how everything is going. 

Have a great week!

<3

To clarify...

Hey guys! So I got a comment on my last blog that made me think I needed to clarify some things about my eating disorder. Here is the comment: 
"I don't think you should do anything with disordered eating if you still have an e.d. It's hypocritical and someone might find out, ya know?"

I'm just confused mostly, because I don't have an eating disorder anymore. Clearly, this is a recovery blog (since it says RECOVERY at the top, in the title description). I had bulimia and EDNOS in high school and the beginning of college, but now I'm recovering. I don't meet any sort of criteria for any clinical level of an eating disorder. I don't engage in behaviors such as restricting, purging, fasting, overexercising, etc. Yes, I did have a slip-up 36 days ago, when I purged. But really, that happens once in a blue moon, and that's just part of recovery; you win some and you lose some. But I always get it back :) And yes, I have disordered eating habits. I eat weird things. I skip dinner occasionally (but not on purpose, it just sort of happens). I eat unhealthily large amounts of chocolate and Twizzlers when I'm stressed. I dislike my body sometimes. I avoid certain clothing items because they makes me look fat(ter). But I'm not eating disordered; just a little messed up, like the rest of the world. 


Another thing: This comment mentioned that people might find out about my eating disorder. Weeeeeell, they already know. I am completely open about it. If it comes up, I will tell people. I have a tattoo of the ED recovery symbol, and if people ask me about it, I will tell them exactly what it is and why I have it. I even did a presentation in high school, after my first bout with bulimia, about my ED and general ED info. So I'm very open and honest. That's just my style. After lying and cheating and hiding for eight years, I am tired of it and I want to be free. So I tell. And it's awesome, let me tell you :)


So that's that. I just thought I'd clarify those points. Megan, person who commented, I'm not upset with you. I am curious though: how is it hypocritical for me to do an experiment about disordered eating? I am not seeing it, but perhaps I'm missing it. Just let me know, if you can. 


Ok, BEDTIME. So tired! <3

Goals!

Not much to report here. I have my period, which makes me a raging bitch. Grr! It's funny, when I was on birth control, I had more cramps, longer and heavier periods, but less bitchiness. Off birth control now, and I have less cramps, shorter and lighter periods, but a crapton more bitchiness. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around, at least for the cramps and length and heaviness? Weird.

I've been baking non-stop recently, making tons of cupcakes and brownies for various events and people. I finally found a sub for when I'm gone (cuz I go back to school in a week, so I'm missing the last week of the kid's classes). Thank goodness! I had to offer baked goods, which reeled someone in. Speaking of baked goods, ALL I WANT RIGHT NOW IS CHOCOLATE! PLEASE FEED ME!

Still no let-up in the flashbacks while driving. LAME. I made a new playlist on my iPod for non-triggering songs. Too bad they are mostly lame songs... But on another note, my body. It sucks. I just feel gross and pudgy. I'm back at the weight I was when I was a freshman in college, which was gross. I feel fat in all my clothes and especially fat because I'm bloated from my period. I am really hoping that going back to school will be good for me and my eating. Here are my goals for the semester (food and non-food):

Food Goals (NOT RULES)

• Eat one dessert per day, max.
• Don't drink soda unless I'm out to eat or ordering food on a Sunday night (no dinner is served in the dining halls on Sunday nights, so we have to find our own food). 
• Work out at least twice a week (preferably with my workout buddy!). 
• Avoid obsessing over these goals, food in general, working out, and my body. 
• When going to Walgreens or Walmart, do not get large amounts of chocolate or junk food; pick healthier snacks that would be good for late night hunger. 
• When bored while studying, only eat when actually hungry (shocking, I know!). 

Non-food Goals

• Obsess less over grades and GPA. 
• That being said, try to get good grades and impress professors. 
• Try to convince professors to let me knit in class (I have all new professors/a professor that won't let me knit; tragedy!!!!). 
• Get all my homework done early so that I can either a) get ahead, or b) hang with friends more. 
• Before the semester gets too hard (aka, before spring break), figure out which graduate schools to apply to and write a draft of my personal statement. 

That looks good for now! Ok, there's a cat sleeping on half of my computer, and I have to shower before my therapy appointment. Love you all!

Brainzzzz

I've been doing alright. Since I wrote that last post about being fine and happy, I have been less than fine and happy. I started having flashbacks again, and since I found that razor, I have wanted to cut all the time. I lie in bed at night and think about cutting. I also have been completely unable to sleep until 3 or 4 am for about 3 days straight now. I am just so anxious that I can sit still. It's like the pit of my stomach is rising into my throat, and if I don't move, I might explode or die. Today I am running on 3 hours of sleep, I started my period, I had my stupid filling, and I had a really stressful day at work. And I have a splitting headache that might turn into a migraine (since I'm on my period, I'm expecting one any day now...). Sounds like fun, right?

My filling was actually fine. The worst part was the numbing part, when they stuck a needle into my gum and injected Novocaine. Other than that, it was just really freaky to feel the drill vibrating and hear it. THEY DRILLED INTO MY TOOTH. WTF. But it didn't and doesn't hurt. My jaw is a bit sore, and I chewed my cheek some because I couldn't feel anything, but those are my only complaints. That, and the $100 that it cost. But oh well.

This weekend, I realized how crappy junk food can make you feel. I basically only ate junk all weekend, and I felt like shit. Don't do it. It sucks. It was fun, but don't do it. Since Peri asked, you microwave s'mores by putting a marshmallow in the microwave for about 17 seconds (depending on the microwave, you want it to be squishy, but not explode) and stick it on a graham cracker with chocolate. Magic, s'more! Yay! It is DELICIOUS.

I think my brain is going to fall out. Talk later chicas :)

Weeeeek bleeeeh

Hey! I have officially finished a week of work, and it feels great. I am pretty much hating my job. I like kids, but a) my feet are killing me after a day of work because of my Achilles tendonitis, and b) the kids are fucking crazy. I am so glad it's the weekend, but I am having a hard time imagining how I'm going to get through 9 more weeks of this... My parents are out of town again this weekend, but no fun plans. Last night, and I ate Taco Bell (which I'm not really allowed to have usually, since my parents think I'm fat) and made s'mores in the microwave. DELICIOUS. Then I watched TV until 1 am. I slept till noon today, watched more TV, and I'm about to go see my gramma. We are going to shop for a new recliner for her, have dinner, and see a movie. My gramma is the coolest lady. I love her so much <3


Oh, I should mention that my hamstring is mostly fine (remember, I injured it on Saturday last week). It still bothers me some when I'm on the bike, but I'm taking it slow and trying to be careful.


In other news, I found a razor when I was cleaning my room the other day. I don't quite know what to do with it. I realize I should throw it away, but part of me wants to keep it, just in case. Stupid, I know. I'll probably throw it away this weekend. Bleh.


Also, I found this gem when reading some old journal entries: "Everything sucks balls. Life sucks balls. And that sucks, because I’m gay so I don’t like sucking balls. Lol."
Direct quote there. I am SO COOL. Ahahahaha :)


I'm starting to think that maybe I don't need therapy after all. Here's the thing: I feel good. Yes, I'm stressed out as hell because of my job. Yes, sometimes I feel like shit. Yes, sometimes I feel like self-harming, but I only think about it (briefly) and never do it. But honestly, since I got my medication dose upped, I feel great. I like myself, I'm happy, I laugh more, I don't want to kill my parents. I don't have flashbacks. I'm in therapy because I have flashbacks. And I really don't anymore. And even when I think about that bitch, I don't freak out much. I sure as hell don't forgive her, but I don't have a panic attack when I think about her. If I start thinking about exactly what might have happened, then it gets a little dicey. But otherwise, I'm good. I don't know. I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I guess I'll tell her this stuff, and we'll see how it goes. 


Finally, I have a cavity. I know, big deal. But it's my first one, and I'm freaking out a little bit. I have a filling scheduled for Monday (which, oopsies, is scheduled for 2.5 hours before my therapy appointment... I hope I don't look/talk funny during that). I'm scared! I don't want a filling! I don't want a cavity!! LAME. 


Ok... I have to go. BYE! I hope your weekends are fabulous. Stay awesome. 

What is a binge, really?

Hey ya'll. So I didn't end up going to the gym on Thursday night. When I finished blogging, I realized that the headache I had was really the beginnings of a migraine. So I took a migraine pill and watched TV until I was tired enough to sleep. I did work out yesterday though. I tried the stairmaster, which is an evil, evil machine. I could only stay on for eight minutes before I died. I also went today and swam. I did a whole 300 yards (12 laps) without stopping! Last time I swam, I could only do half that. So yay! I am super wiped out now though.

So I was thinking earlier today about the concept of bingeing. When I was a bulimic (in high school), my binges were pretty standard for the DSM definition. I would eat a ridiculous amount of food in one sitting (i.e. whole quart of ice cream, a box of cereal, and a pan of brownies) and then purge (or use laxatives, or fast, or whatever). But when I had my relapse last spring, a binge for me was quite different. If I hadn't been eating much that day, a binge would be if I ate too much corn at dinner, or if I had over 300 calories in one sitting, or if I ate chocolate. It's interesting how the concept of bingeing is so different at different times.

I was thinking about this because, as you might have noticed, I have a thing on the side of my blog page that says how long it's been since I last binged. Right now it's at 10 months. And sometimes I feel guilty, because I feel like I have been bingeing, yet the binge counter is staying at 10 months. But then I realized today that I haven't been bingeing at all. When I would binge in high school, I would feel completely out of control, like I couldn't stop eating. I would eat to feel better, to reward myself for something, any excuse. And I would feel incredibly guilty afterwards. Sometimes now, I eat more than I should. But there is no component of feeling out of control or feeling guilty. And that's how I know that it's not really a binge. So if I eat a whole bag of Cheetos, it wasn't a binge; I should just really watch how many Cheetos I'm eating next time.

Random stuff

I have this irrational fear that I have magically gained 15 pounds in the last week. Which is not humanly possible (or at least, not for me), but I still believe it. And I figured, I should check, right? If I find that I've gained, then I can cut back on the chocolate. And if I'm the same, then it's all good. So I checked. I'm the same. Which is a relief, but I still shouldn't have checked. And it doesn't change the way that I see my body. So that's not good. I need to get some self-esteem, pronto. 

Other than that, things have been pretty good. I read a book on female-on-female sexual violence yesterday. It is the only book that I've found that actually addresses the topic. It's like people don't believe that a woman can sexually assault or batter another woman. Like, come on. Reality check: it happens. It was actually a really good book. Some parts I didn't care about, like the sections on demographics and stuff. But there were stories from survivors that made me feel like I'm not alone. And that was good :)

In other news, I went to the foot doctor on Monday, thinking I had a fungus growing under my toenail (nice, right?). And then after waiting 45 minutes for him, he informs me that, no, it's not a fungus. It's an extremely ingrown toenail and HE HAS TO DO SURGERY ON IT. NOW. FUZZZZZZZ. That's my new swear word. So I am now missing a sliver of my toenail. Permanently missing it, because he said if it grows back, then it will get ingrown again. So he killed the nail bed at that place. WEIRD. It actually doesn't hurt unless I touch it though. I have to soak it and re-bandage it twice per day. I go back in 2 weeks to get him to look at it again. 

I am also trying out contacts again. I wear glasses every day, because I can't see the board in class and stuff like that. But I don't wear them when I go out on the weekends, and I just can't see as well. Which is kind of annoying. My vision isn't that bad, but it's bad enough that I wouldn't recognize you from across the quad until you got a lot closer to me. So this is day two of contacts. I hated them last time, because they dried out my eyes. So far, they are still drying out my eyes a bit. So we'll see...

Also, I activated a free 3 month membership to 24 Hour Fitness today! I guess there was some sort of lawsuit against 24 Hour Fitness last year, and everyone who had a membership during a specific 7 year period got either $20 or a free 3 month membership. So I am officially a member. I mostly want to take the classes. They have spin classes, pilates, and other fun stuff. But I know I need to be careful. 

Ok, that's about it. Update more in a few days! 

Memory, all alone in the moonlight...

I was searching everywhere today for this notebook that my sister gave me a while ago, and on the way, I took a trip down memory lane. Among other things, I read the three journals that I kept while I was deep in my eating disorder in high school. Basically they are from 2005, 2006, and 2007. A bit of 2008 too. While most of it was horribly depressing, it also reminds me how far I've come. I don't think about that much.

One of the journals is from when I first went into recovery in early 2007. I wasn't super committed to recovery then. I wanted so badly to stop the bingeing, purging, fasting, laxatives cycle, but I didn't want to be healthy either. I still really, really wanted to lose weight. Half my journal entries were about how I wanted to eat healthier but was terrified to get fat. And about every other journal entry was a new food plan. I was OBSESSED with food plans. I never make food plans now, because they don't work for me. But then, I made them all the time. The entries usually went like this:

• Week 1- I'm doing so great! I'm not using my ED behaviors and I feel like my body is ok today.
• Week 2- I think I need to be healthier. Here is this food plan that cuts out the unhealthy things (chocolate, soda, fat, carbs, everything nutritious, etc.) that I feel are holding me back from recovery. 
• Week 3- I'm relapsing! Oh no! I'd better talk to my therapist or something. 
• Weeks 4 through 6- Repeat first three weeks. 

It was actually kind of sad to read about, because I never saw the pattern when it was happening. That's always how it is, isn't it?

But these journals remind me how much healthier I am now than I was then. And how much healthier I am than I was in August, or December. I don't think I'm horribly fat all the time. I actually appreciate my curves. I am not making food plans every other week. I think I'm beautiful and sexy. I don't go on crazy binges, and I don't fast for days at a time. I don't feel guilty when I eat chocolate.

I also don't want to die. One of the most striking things from one of the journals was my suicide plan. I think it was October of 2006. I made a pros and cons list of killing myself (isn't that just like me? I always make pros and cons lists about EVERYTHING). But this reminds me that I don't want to go back to that. I am always incredibly unhappy when I'm in my disorder. Every time I have relapsed, I have wanted to die. Not right away, because I lose weight at first. But once it starts getting out of control and I start hating myself more, then I want to kill myself. When my ED and my cutting peaked in 2006, I hated myself intensely. I was never happy for more than a few minutes. My self worth was completely dependent on my food intake and how much weight I was losing. I am so glad that I am less like that now. I am so glad that I can look back and see my mistakes, and hopefully not repeat them.

Anyway, that's enough of that. Home is good. I have twenty million doctor appointments this week. Eye doctor, podiatrist (foot doctor), physical therapy. Other than that, I will just be chilling and trying to make friends. Have a good Monday everyone!

Foodfoodfoodfoodfood

So I've kind of realized that this blog is about eating disorder stuff, but I haven't been writing about eating disorder stuff really at all recently. And that's not because I'm recovered, it's just not at the forefront of my life right now. So let's see...

I'm actually doing pretty well with food stuff right now. I feel fat sometimes. Mostly it's when I'm about to shower and I see myself naked in the mirror. It's also when I see pictures of myself; that really freaks me out and I make friends delete pictures (on their cameras, not when they have been posted) of me when I think I look fat in them. But mostly I'm trying to focus on my good parts, like the fact that I have great curves and am super sexy. And apparently I'm beautiful, so I'm trying to tell myself that too. I've also been praying a lot for God to show me how He sees me, and to help me see myself that way too.

In terms of eating, I'm being pretty "normal," whatever that is. Since Lent ended, I've been able to eat sweets again (fuck yes!), which is probably the most exciting thing ever. But I'm not going too overboard. I think not eating chocolate for so long has made it impossible for me to consume as much as I used to, so that's a good thing. I generally eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Sometimes I overeat if it's really good, and sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry. I've noticed that I have a big thing about meal times. If I don't get to eat at the time that I thought I would, I freak out a little. If I wanted to go to dinner at 5 and I don't, it is a big deal for me. And if I want to nap and get food later, I won't because dinner is at 5. No exceptions. I'm also really possessive about my food - don't take it, it's mine, bitch!

All that said, I'm trying to embrace the foods I like and not make myself eat the foods I don't like. I freaking love macaroni and cheese. I also really freaking love corn. And chocolate. And granola and yogurt. I freaking hate waffles. I also really freaking hate scones. And meat (but I'm a vegetarian so this is not surprising). I think I present a pretty healthy relationship with food to others. I eat without thinking too much about calories and about how it will look to other people. So that's good!

But basically, it's as good as it's ever been, I think. I don't particularly care what people think about me, which is good for me. I usually care a TON. Well, I don't care what people think of my body. I care what they think about other things, but that's for a different blog.

Ok, enough. I'm still writing those papers. This is a great procrastination tool too! Delicious...

Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb

I'm a stupid idiot. Seriously. So you know how I was hooking up with Isabel? Well I'm a dumbass. I have feelings for her. Lots and lots of feelings. Like possible love feelings. I'm fucked. I've gotta get out of this as fast as possible. But I don't want to... I don't know if I can do it.

We had a talk on Saturday. She initiated it, and asked what I thought we were doing, where it was going, how I felt, etc. I told her that I had some feelings but that it was fine because I knew exactly what I was doing (it's all for her, it's her big lesbian college experience, she's basically using me for sexual favors). I do know exactly what I'm doing. I'm just not sure I should be doing it. I'm dumb. Really, really dumb.

After our talk, which we had on the way to this dance show, I cut myself. 26 days down the drain. Fuck. And since then, I've cut at least three times per day. Saturday, Sunday, today. Well, today I've only cut twice but I'm about to do it again. And I went to Walgreens today and bought real razors. The really sharp, scary ones that I shouldn't be allowed to have because I freak myself out with them and usually need stitches (but never get stitches). I'm a dumbass. Dumb dumb dumb dumb.

Dumb.

Life. It sucks. I'm depressed. And suicidal. Not much, but enough that it's not just a passing fancy. I think my therapist and I have some sort of agreement that I call her when I feel suicidal, or else she won't treat me. But I can't remember. So better not tell her about this. I can't tell anyone. I can't have anyone tell on me. I'm supposed to be fucking past this! What the fuck? And going back to the hospital would be a waste of time and money (plus I'm not that far gone yet). The hospital was stupid. Didn't help. I'm stupid. I could call a friend but I never do. I could pray to God to help me, but I never do. I could actually care, but I never do.

Dumb.

Also, Lent is over, so I can eat chocolate! That is the one bright spot this week. Yummmmmmmmmm.

Not posting much anymore

I'm sorry I've been such a lax poster lately. I don't want to say that I'm totally "healed" or whatever, but there's only so much I can say about my ED recovery, my crushes, my alcohol use, etc. I'm really doing alright though. I'm finally up to my 200mg of Lamictal as planned, and is seems to be working pretty well. I feel less crazy than before, which is always nice ;) My eating is ok, same as usual. I've been trying to exercise more, but I'm so tired all the time that it's very hard. If I'm not really sleepy, which I am most of the time, then I'm just very fatigued. Walking up the stairs is exhausting sometimes. I don't know what that's about. Maybe I'm iron-deficient. Whatever it is, it's a pain in the you-know-what.

I did end up drinking this weekend, and it was great. My friend and I started with a 4 beer limit each, and we didn't exactly stick to that. However, I only had 5.5 beers. That's radically different from my usual intake of 12 drinks, so I'd call it a victory. I think the problem was that my friend was trusting me to know how tipsy I was, and I really can't tell a lot of the time. So I was probably good around 4 or 5, and did not need that last bit. This weekend we are going to the Broken Hearts party at one of the sororities, and we are going to cap ourselves at 4 beers (for reals this time!). Well, it's 4 for me and 3 for her, because she's a lightweight. It should be fun :)

In other news, I've had a radical change in faith. I've always been a religious person, or at least someone who believes in God, but I've never done much about it. In high school, I tried out Wicca, but quickly decided that it wasn't for me. Then I found Christianity and it just fit. However, I've never felt completely comfortable with it because I've had a lot of personal issues holding me back from God. This brings me to this past Saturday. I attend Christian Fellowship meetings at my college, and we went on a trip to the Rock and Worship Roadshow in Madison (a Christian concert with several bands, including MercyMe, The Afters, Anthem Lights, and Matt Maher). IT WAS SO AMAZING! It was the best experience of my life. During the show, I suddenly realized that I wanted to commit myself to the Lord more, and I started praying for help with that. Then, just as I finished praying about it, the current band on stage started talking about committing your life to God. It was completely a sign from God! It couldn't have been clearer what I needed to do. Since the concert, I've been on a high. For once in my life, I want to pray and read the Bible ALL THE TIME. I've been listening to Christian music non-stop and I'm already almost done with the Gospels, which I've never actually read before. And they're interesting and useful! I never knew :) It's a pretty radical change for me to go from lukewarm to burning hot in just a few hours, but I'll take whatever I can get! I just thank God for helping me get here, and I'm sorry it took me so long, because it's amazing.

So to end this post, I guess I want to say that I'm not going to be posting a lot. I have another blog, a religious one, that I have been posting a lot more on lately. If you want the link, just send me an email (thinneristhewinner1@gmail.com) and I'll give it to you. I'll update you all every once and a while to let you know anything important going on, but I feel like I've sort of lost my following and I don't have much to say anymore. This could change, but we'll see what happens :) I love you all! Feel free to email me whenever you want :)

Omnomnomnom

Sorry it's been so long, I've been basking in winter break glory :)
All I've really been doing is going to appointments, knitting, and watching TV. SO MANY APPOINTMENTS. I'm seeing my counselor, a prescriber for new medication, a physical therapist, and I saw a doctor a few times too. My prescriber gave me Lamictal about three weeks ago, and it's working great. I'm only at 50 mg right now, and I'll probably work up to a higher dose (I see her again tomorrow). The only thing is that it doesn't help with my anxiety AT ALL, so I'm still really anxious about everything. But I'm going to ask her about that tomorrow. My therapist wrote a letter to my college and is sending it tomorrow, and so it should work out that I'm coming back to campus on Sunday. Break seems so short now!

I've been busy knitting twenty-million things (literally) and applying for summer internships. There's this really cool one with the American Psychological Association that I REALLYREALLYREALLY want. It's in D.C. and they house you and pay you and you get to do research with top psychology researchers! WANT WANT WANT. However, I think that the rest of the country wants it too, so we'll see how that goes.

Here are some pretty pictures of my knitting:

 Bookmark for my gramma  for Christmas.

 Lace scarf for a professor. 

My eating has been less that stellar. I think being home makes me more disordered than when I'm at school (generally). I think I feel unsafe here, in terms of food. I never know when we're eating (my parents eat really late for dinner, and it drives me nuts), because there isn't a set dinner time. I also feel guilty spending money on food for lunch and breakfast, so then I only end up getting snacks and feeling guilty for spending money on them. I honestly can't wait to get back to school, where I have control over when I eat and what I eat, and there are set mealtimes. The food at school sucks, but at least it's consistent. Anyhoo, all of this food-insecurity has led to a lot of chocolate and sugar consumption. I really need to stop eating chocolate so much.

Another thing that is making me nervous is the fact that I'm back to the weight I was when I started college. I got down to 170 when I was relapsing this summer, and now I'm at 220 again. Uuuuuggggg.... this is the weight that I can't stand. Aside from not particularly liking my body at this weight, I just feel gross. So it's gotta go.

With that, here are my goals for the coming semester:
- Exercise for 30 minutes, at least 2x per week (if I set the goal higher, I won't do it, I know myself).
- Stop drinking soda, even diet soda, except when eating out.
- Only one dessert per day (pick lunch or dinner, NOT both).
- Be healthy in general. No cutting, no drinking, no drugs, no ED behaviors.
- Reach out to friends if I feel down or like I want to engage in unhealthy behaviors.
- Spend more time with friends in general (i.e. have a study party instead of studying alone, or call a friend when I have some downtime and hang with them instead of by myself).

I know those are a lot of goals, but that's how my semester should go. I just want it to be a happy, healthy semester. I am taking a normal amount of classes and one of them is apparently a joke class. I only have one job instead of three, and that job only requires answering the phone a few times per shift (otherwise, I just do my homework or chill). I'm going to be inactive in my sorority so that I don't have to deal with all the drama and can just focus on myself. I'm not going to do anything intense with clubs on campus; I'll probably just stick with Christian Fellowship meetings, and that's it. Basically, it should be a chill semester.

I have found a new therapist at school, whose office is three blocks from campus. I'm seeing her Monday, and I've heard she's really good, so I'm hopeful. I'm going to continue to see my prescriber through Skype, so we can get my meds all straightened out.

Well, that's about it. I'll keep you all updated on life at school and how my goals are going :) Love you all!

I don't know

I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I feel like I can't write in this blog because so many people in real life read it now. My sister, my friend. I don't want to hurt them! I don't want to accidentally say something that will especially upset them. But I have to keep writing. I don't know.

In other news, I had a fun Halloween weekend! Here's a picture of me in my costume:

**Picture deleted for privacy**

My costume looks way better in real life, I promise. The dress is super cute :) It was a great weekend, and I ended up hooking up with this really hot girl and getting an offer from another girl. How do I find these people? They just come to me.

I've been struggling a bit otherwise. It's been over two weeks since I've cut, and it's harder every day. I thought it was supposed to get easier! My therapist and I have been getting into scary territory in sessions, so maybe that's what is triggering me. In terms of eating, I'm doing alright. I keep thinking I'm fat, even though I know I'm not. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I AM BEAUTIFUL!

My friend made me this beautiful little booklet full of inspiration for when I feel bad about myself. I don't know if any of you are religious at all, but I love this quote from Psalm 121:
I lift my eyes up unto the heavens
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
The maker of heaven and Earth.

It's a beautiful quote, and I hope that I can think of it and ask for help if I need it.
Well, I need to go eat breakfast. And coffee! I NEED coffee. Love you all!

Grateful

I realized today that I'm grateful for many things, and I should remind myself of those things more often. I am grateful for:

1. The beautiful weather we had today.
2. The fact that I could enjoy the weather today.
3. My friends and family.
4. My support system and the fact that I can call any of them, anytime, and they will help me.
5. My sister and her wonderfulness!
6. Chocolate.
7. My curiosity and willingness to learn.
8. Laughter and its healing powers.
9. My openness with others and how that can create connections that I never thought possible.
10. Being alive!

There are so many things to be grateful for, and even though I sometimes forget this fact, I think it's really important. I need to think about the things I'm grateful for each day, and remind myself that I do have things to live for. I have friend and family who love me, and a bright future that I don't want to miss. I am grateful for life.

On a slightly different note, I am quitting my self-injury. I have been a cutter on and off for almost eight years, and it's time to stop. I have three support people that I can call if I want to cut, and a bunch of things I can do instead of cutting. I also have this amazing website (http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/kharre.html) that I can visit if I need extra help, and hotlines that I can call. I CAN DO THIS. I may mess up, but that's alright. I realize that cutting is a coping mechanism for me, and that doesn't make it bad. However, it's not healthy and I need to find better coping mechanisms. So if I slip up and cut, it's alright. But I'd rather not :) I'll keep you all updated!

I love you guys, you know that. Stay strong lovelies!

Blarg

I feel like I should post, but I'm not sure what to say. I've been doing alright the last few days. I haven't been crying a whole ton, which is good because I HATE crying. My friends have been amazingly supportive and I'm almost constantly surrounded by love :) I have already received three letters in the mail from various sorority sisters offering their support.

I also reorganized my room, since most of my decorations were his. I received four posters that I ordered from Amazon yesterday, and they look amazing! Here are three out of the four:

You can't see it very well, but it says "It only takes a single thought to move the world."

This one says, "There is no end to the amount of things you can achieve." 

This one says, "It is not the position you stand, but the direction in which you look."

I love them! They make my room look so much better. My friends are also taking me to Wal-mart today to get some food and other things I need, since I lost my ride (Aaron has a car). Well, that's about all I have to say. I hope you all are having a fantastic weekend :) Stay strong!