Creepy Old Guy

It's been a challenging few days. One main thing to report is that I found Isaac, aka Creepy Old Guy, on Facebook. Have I talked about him before? I don't think I have. Here's the general story.

I was 16 and I went to an underage gay bar with friends one night; my first and last time there. I was sitting by the bar, resting my feet, and this guy came and sat next to me. We started talking, and eventually he gave me his number. I was super flattered, especially because I had really low self-esteem due to my ED and had never had a serious boyfriend before. At this point, I didn't really know/admit to myself that I was gay. So anyway, I texted him the next day. Originally, he claimed to be 21, but after we texted for a bit, he admitted to being 28. This should have been my cue to run away fast, but I didn't for some reason. We started dating, and things quickly progressed, in terms of sexual stuff. At first, I thought it was great. I felt like I was being a grownup and having a real relationship. But of course, I didn't tell any of my friends that I was dating him, because I knew they would say that I shouldn't do it.

After only a little while of dating, maybe two or three weeks, he started to tell me that he loved me, that we should get married someday, that he wanted to follow me to college, etc. I thought that it was kind of creepy and  sketchy, but I went with it because I didn't know what else to say. I felt like I had to reciprocate, because isn't that what adults do? Now I know better, but my 16-year-old self wasn't as smart as my 21-year-old self. Around the same time that he started getting creepy, I started to get tired of doing the sexual stuff that he wanted. We didn't have official intercourse, in case you were curious. But I didn't want to do it anymore, whatever it was. However, I thought that if people loved each other (I had convinced myself that I did love him), then they did what the other partner asked. He said things like, "If you loved me, you would...." so that I would do what he wanted. He didn't use force or threats, but it was an unspoken rule that 'no' wasn't really an ok answer. So I never really said no, but I never said yes either, and I didn't want it.

We dated for four months before I finally worked up the courage to break it off. I was really desperate for someone to love me (besides my parents), and that made it hard to dump the only person who said that he loved me. But I knew that it wasn't a healthy relationship, so I ended it. After that, I realized that I was really messed up because of what he did. I would drive by his street and hyperventilate and have flashbacks. I would see someone who looked slightly like him and freak out. When I got to college, I was hypervigilant because he had said that he would follow me to college, and I was paranoid that he really would. This was five years ago now, and I still have flashbacks. I can't do certain sexual activities because I get flashbacks or they remind me of him. My ex helped with that a bit, but you can't undo everything in a short period of time.

So yes, that's Isaac. After we broke up, I broke off all contact. I unfriended him on Myspace and deleted all the pictures of him, etc. But every so often, I wondered what he was up to, if he was victimizing any other underage girls. So I would look for him, but I was never able to find him again. Until now. I randomly decided to look again on Monday, and I found him. As soon as I saw his picture, I felt a jolt go through my body, and I knew. I knew it was him, even though he has more facial hair now, and he looks older. I guess he's 33 now... weird. Since I found him, I can't stop looking! I think that part of me thinks if I look at his picture enough, I will desensitize myself, and it won't bother me as much. I don't know if that's true, but whatever. Whatever the cause, I need to stop looking. NOT GOOD!

The good news is that he lives in Texas now, not Oregon or Wisconsin, so I don't have to worry about running into him. For the longest time, I was super paranoid that I would see him somewhere. The bad news is that now I have a very real face to put on my fuzzy memories, which makes them more vivid and distressing. But that's ok; I needed to face them anyway, right? I'll be fine :)

So that's my big thing for the week. There is more, but this post is SUUUUPER long now, so I'll talk to you all later! <3

I really need to grow a brain

Seriously. Yesterday I nearly did something really stupid and dangerous, but thank goodness my common sense kicked in (was it God?) and I got myself out of the situation. Here's the back story.
Yesterday I signed up for OkCupid, which is an internet dating sight. I signed up because I'm doing a research paper on internet dating, and decided to get some firsthand knowledge. In the first 30 minutes of me joining, I was talking to three or four people, all who wanted casual sex. The first two I turned down because they were creepy dudes. But the third was this really nice 18-year old woman. We chatted for a few hours by email before she even brought up the fact that she was looking for a woman to join a threesome with her and her boyfriend. For some odd reason (maybe I was flattered? maybe I was looking to try something new?) I thought that it would be a great idea.  But of course, I was still super careful. I refused to give her my phone number. I agreed to meet her and her boyfriend for coffee at a coffee shop that is within walking distance from my college campus.

But here's where I get dumb. I didn't tell anyone where I was going. I thought about it, but I thought that if I told anyone they would be horrified and tell me not to go (this should have been my clue that it was a bad idea, but whatever). When I got there, they were pretty nice. We chatted for about 45 minutes, and then I got into their car. Dumb. Never get into a stranger's car! I have watched WAY too much Law and Order and CSI to get into a stranger's car willingly! The whole time, my alarm bells were going off. But I let them drive around, trying to figure out a place to go.

Finally, my common sense kicked in, and I told them that I wasn't comfortable anymore. They were super nice (thank God!) and took me back to the cafe. I am so glad I didn't die or something. I could have been kidnapped. I could have been raped. I could have died. But I didn't. I am positive that God is to thank for this. I know many of you aren't religious, but I am. I sent a quick prayer up to God on my way to the coffee shop last night, and I know He heard. Thank you God! I am so glad that I'm safe.

The other horrible thing about last night was that the guy in the couple reminded me of Creepy Old Guy. I dated this man when I was 16 who was 28, and I call him Creepy Old Guy. No one knew I was dating him. My friends barely knew and my family had no idea. We dated for four months before I came to my senses and broke it off. In fact, I actually broke up with him on the same day that I told my parents about my ED! Weird coincidence, huh? But anyways, he definitely took advantage of me, and I used to have nightmares about him. When I first got to college, I used to think I was seeing him everywhere (because he said he was going to come with me to college). Creepy! But the guy last night reminded me of him, and that totally freaked me out. A lot.

But the good news is that I came to my senses and I got myself out of there! I feel like I would not have done that a few years ago. I would have just gone with it.

I think I need to chill for a few weeks and focus on myself. No hooking up. No drinking. No crazy shit. Just me.

I'm a super slut

And I love it!!! It's great! I kissed two girls last night and hooked up with one. I thought it would be Amanda, but it actually wasn't. Although, we did sit next to each other, and she gave me a kiss and some flirtatious glances :) So obviously that's going somewhere, maybe tonight.

Let's start at the beginning. I got pretty drunk last night. I had probably 5 or 6 drinks, which is a good amount for me (meds or not). I felt drunk, but my mind was still quite clear. Weird, huh? At about 1 am, I was talking with two friends (let's call them Marisa and Tess) and we ended up making out with each other. Yay! Marisa is straight but makes out with girls when she's drunk. Tess has a boyfriend because it's more comfortable for her than dating girls, but she's seriously into girls and hooks up with them all the time (her boyfriend lets her). Later that night, when everyone had left, Tess and I were alone in her room. We ended up making out, and other hook-up stuff (!).

Basically it was an amazing night! I am playing golf with my sorority tonight, which should be awesome. Golf (for those who don't know) is a drinking game. You usually have anywhere between 20 and 50 people playing. Most of the people split into teams and make a different drink at their "hole." Each hole is in someone's room or lounge or whatever. Then you start at one hole, drink their special drink, and then move on to the next hole. It's a great way to get drunk quickly. Usually it has a theme, so our theme this time is "Ladies Who Lunch." Basically preppy sorority girls. I've also done Superhero themed golf and Dinosaur themed golf. You are supposed to dress up for the theme, which makes it super fun!

Ok, I have to go to a sorority breakfast, but I love you all! OH! I have 100 followers!!!!! This is so cool!!! I'm super excited. I hope your weekends are awesome. Stay strong!

Whazzup?

Hi guys! I'm super hyper right now. This is just how I am first thing in the morning (I know, really weird). I have exciting news! I have a crush on someone. And I told her. And she is adorable.

Basically, she's bisexual, and she has a boyfriend but she basically fucks everything in sight anyway (I guess they do some sort of open relationship thing). Let's call her Amanda (not her real name). She kind of smokes a lot of weed, which is fine with me. She also smokes cigarettes, which is less fine but I can deal with it. She's super adorable and always tells me I'm amazing and wonderful.

Just to clarify, I'm not looking for any sort of relationship right now. I really just want someone to make out with. That's it. I'm not sure if I'm ready to actually hook up with a girl (since I've never actually done it before...) but we'll see what happens. Since Amanda gets around, she's pretty experienced, so I'm sure I'd be in good hands if I decided to go for it. Ahh! I'm just super excited! And super hyper. Wow.

Also, a friend told me that apparently you can drink alcohol while on antidepressants. I also Googled it, and it said that drinking in moderation with Lexapro is fine. So I'm testing it out. Last night I had 1 shot of vodka with flavored water thing. I was completely sober still. Tonight I might have 2 shots. I would like to work up to 4 or 5 drinks, and see what happens. Obviously, if something bad happens (like I get really sick or something) then I'll stop. But it would really be nice to drink again.

Ok, that's it! I have to go eat breakfast. Ugg. I hate breakfast because I can never find anything I like. Breakfast food is gross. Have a great day everyone!

Blarg

I feel like I should post, but I'm not sure what to say. I've been doing alright the last few days. I haven't been crying a whole ton, which is good because I HATE crying. My friends have been amazingly supportive and I'm almost constantly surrounded by love :) I have already received three letters in the mail from various sorority sisters offering their support.

I also reorganized my room, since most of my decorations were his. I received four posters that I ordered from Amazon yesterday, and they look amazing! Here are three out of the four:

You can't see it very well, but it says "It only takes a single thought to move the world."

This one says, "There is no end to the amount of things you can achieve." 

This one says, "It is not the position you stand, but the direction in which you look."

I love them! They make my room look so much better. My friends are also taking me to Wal-mart today to get some food and other things I need, since I lost my ride (Aaron has a car). Well, that's about all I have to say. I hope you all are having a fantastic weekend :) Stay strong!

It's official- I'm single

It's really weird too. I haven't been single in two years. Yesterday, also our two year anniversary, I broke up with him. I told him that we were clearly in different places in our lives (I want a long-term relationship and he's just not ready) and that it wasn't good for either of us. I said that I thought I was putting a lot more work into the relationship that he was, and that wasn't fair for me. He agreed, and said he was sorry for not trying harder. He also said that he finally realizes that he needs to stop talking to Sara so much (his 14 year-old friend), because this could be a problem with future partners too. DUH. But I'm glad he finally realizes it. I think this break-up is a wake up call for him. He thought he would have me for as long as he wanted, but that wasn't true. He thought he could just coast and let me do all the work, but that's not true either. I'm really glad I finally came to my senses and did what was right for me.

I just remember that I was considering breaking up with him in June (see this post) for the exact same reasons. But I didn't do it because I had a summer job with his parents, I loved him, etc.
I am just glad it's over. Sunday and Monday were really horrible because I put all of his stuff in the corner of my room and then I just kept looking at it and feeling guilty. But I made a list of why I should break up with him (I love lists, they help me a lot). Here it is:

-         I have changed a ton over the last two years, and he hasn’t

o       How I’ve changed:

§         I am better able to manage my anger.

§         I am better at communicating my feelings, even in the heat of the moment.

§         I have become more of an adult.

§         I have accepted that I have some issues that I need to work on, and have actually worked on them.

o       How he hasn’t:

§         When I ask him to work on something, he generally doesn’t do it.

§         The only thing that has improved in the last two years is communication, and that’s only marginally better.

-         He feels like he can’t communicate with me

o       I feel like a partner should be able to tell their partner everything, but he can’t do that. He tells Sara more things than he tells me, and that hurts me.

-         He thinks I’m bossy and order him around, even when I don’t

o       For example, when I invited him to Oregon with me to visit my parents, I said that I would love for him to come. He took that as an order, and later blamed me for making his parents spend all that money, when he really just didn't want to go. Then I felt really guilty for a long time, which was ridiculous because it wasn't my fault.

o       I am constantly monitoring and modifying my behavior to make sure that he doesn’t feel ordered around. He doesn’t do anything to modify his behavior on this issue.

-         Sara

o       Although I don’t want him to not have friends, I also feel really uncomfortable with him hanging out with a 14 year-old who is basically in love with him. I don’t trust him to not break up with me later because he wants to be with her (especially since he told me that he doesn’t want to be with me in graduate school and that he might want to be with her eventually).

I feel like these are all really good reasons to break up with someone, so I definitely did the right thing. It started because of Sara, but now I realize that there are a lot more problems than just her. However, I don't regret dating him, even though it sucks right now. I wouldn't pick anyone else to be my first love or to lose my virginity to. He was the best boyfriend I have ever had, but we just aren't right for each other in the long run. But it was great while it lasted :)

I'm doing alright, although I've been having little mini breakdowns every day. Yesterday I had to skip work because I had a breakdown at breakfast and had to be comforted by my friend for an hour. Today I had another freakout during breakfast (Although this time it was because he came over and was angry at me for talking to his parents last night, even though they called me!! What was I supposed to do??), but I made it to class and was ok. I'm just really exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I wish this were the summer, because I have way too much homework to be dealing with this right now! Arg! I just hope I start to feel better soon.

I love you guys. I really appreciate all your advice, and I'm glad you don't think I'm crazy! Stay strong everyone <3

I think my boyfriend and I are breaking up...

I need your guys' advice on this. I need to know if I'm being rational about this, because I don't want to end a good thing if I don't have to.

My boyfriend Aaron has this 14 year old friend named Sara. They've been going to this summer camp together since they were really little and they're best friends. Unfortunately, Sara is completely in love with Aaron, and he has feelings for her sometimes too. Two summers ago, when we had been dating for about six months, he went to camp and came back thinking he had feelings for her. He also texts her constantly and tells her a lot of stuff that he doesn't tell me. He goes to Madison to visit her a lot too.

Yesterday was one of those visits, and he was gone all day. He came back last night around midnight, and we were going to have some sexy time and sleep over at his room. In the middle of making out, I suddenly had a thought and asked him if he still had feelings for Sara. He said that he didn't have sexual feelings but he felt like he needed to protect her. I asked him if he felt that way about me, and he said no, he didn't think I needed protecting. Then I asked him if he wanted to be with her, and he said not now. Meaning he does want to be with her in the future. Then we talked a lot about our relationship and he mentioned that he didn't think we would still be together in graduate school. He doesn't think that he wants to have a long-term relationship with me, and he doesn't like living with me. Last year we lived together and I was really unhappy and we fought a lot, but that was mostly because of my ED and depression. I asked him if he wanted to try living together again, now that I'm happier, but he said he didn't think it would work out.

At this point, his meds wore off and he started freaking out, so the conversation pretty much ended. The impression I get is that I am just an in-between relationship while he waits for Sara to get older. I don't want to be in a relationship that I know is going to end in two years. I also don't want to be used like that.

We talked again this morning, and he apologized and took back some of the things he said last night. But they can't be unsaid. He can't just say he's sorry and expect me to be alright with everything again. I've been ignoring the Sara situation since the first month of our relationship, but I just can't anymore. We've been together for two years at this point. Monday is our anniversary. When he talks to her, it's like he's having an emotional affair, and that's not fair to me. I told him that if he wants to stay with me, he has to cease all contact with Sara. Of course, he said he couldn't do that. So I told him that I wanted to take a break for a couple of days, and think things over. But I think I need to end it.

I really need some advice here guys. What do you think? Am I looking at this situation rationally? Thanks :)

Rawr

Courtesy of Google Images!

The last few days have been alright. My eating has been good, although I've been eating more sugar than the days before these. But you know what, I'm totally fine with that. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full, and I am not going to be concerned about what I'm eating, just how I'm eating it and when. That seems like the best course of action.

Today I donated blood, which was good. Last time I donated blood, which I think was before I started this blog, I was fasting and it didn't work out well. I didn't eat anything before or after I donated, and I almost puked/passed out afterwards during a class presentation. It was horrible! But this time, it went really well and I feel great. I'm glad that I'm not doing any fasting anymore.

I also had a big exam in my Dinosaurs class today, which was alright. I studied super hard, but I am not sure how well I did on the exam. Some of the questions were worded kind of weird, and one of them questions I had never heard of before and had no idea how to answer! But overall I did my best, so that's the only thing I can do.

I guess that's pretty much all I have to say :) It hasn't been a super good week, but it hasn't been a bad week either. I am really glad that tomorrow is Friday though! It's been a long week, and I need a weekend. Also, I have a ton of homework that I need to get done between now and Sunday and Monday. Yuck! I hope your Thursdays and Fridays are fantabulous! Love you all <3

Did I mention I hate migraines??

Courtesy of Google Images :-)

I hate them, seriously. Last night I could feel myself getting a migraine. It started around 5 pm, and got steadily worse. At 6 pm I took some Excedrin Migraine to see if I could make it go away before it got bad, but it had gotten worse at 7 pm, and I knew the meds weren't going to work. By 8 pm, I was so nauseated that I though I was going to throw up, but then I got up and walked around and that helped a lot. I went to bed and was able to sleep from 10 pm to 12 am. At 12 am, I got up to pee and the light in the hallway and bathroom triggered horrible pain. After that, I was awake with the worst headache pain I've had in my life and awful nausea. At three points between 3 am and 5 am, I was sobbing because it hurt so bad. I thought I was dying, seriously. I even told my boyfriend that I loved him and wanted to be with him forever, and if I died then I just wanted him to know that. Luckily he wasn't too fazed by that and he was really good at distracting me from the pain. At 4 am I took some more Excedrin Migraine, which didn't help. Finally at 5:30 am, that pain dulled enough that I was able to get to sleep. By the time I woke up at 6:30 am for class this morning, the pain was gone. I was still nauseated until after lunch, but it wasn't nearly as bad. I was also really shaky until after lunch, even though I ate a good breakfast. Right now I'm still not 100% because I'm super sleep-deprived.

In other new (good news, not bad), my food is going rather well. I ate half a bagel and a pastry for breakfast. I ate the pastry first, and then couldn't finish the bagel because I could feel that I was full. Yay for listening to my body! I ate a grilled cheese sandwich, French fries (I know, not the healthiest choice), and pretzels for lunch. That must have been a lot of food for me, even though I didn't feel overly full, because I wasn't hungry for dinner 6 hours later. However, I ate anyway, because I wouldn't have had time later. For dinner I had a beans-and-rice concoction (I always make it when the food really sucks at the dining hall), some mashed potatoes, and peas&corn. It was a good dinner! Oh, and I had milk with every meal. I'm trying to get as much calcium as possible, to build up my strong bones.

So overall it was a good food day! I wanted some dessert at dinner, but it was cherry pie (which I like but not that much) and so I didn't get any. If it had been something chocolate, I probably would have gotten it and that would have been ok too. I am doing well by taking this one meal at a time. I don't think about the other meals I've eaten during the day when I'm eating a meal, because that makes me freak out a little bit. I just think about what looks tasty and how hungry I am.

Well, I really need to get some sleep because I'm seriously exhausted. I hope your days all went well! Remember, if you need anything you can always email me :) Stay strong lovelies!

Classes!

Hi guys! I just wanted to update you on my class schedule for this semester. I'm taking 5.5 credits (1 credit = 1 class at my school), which is a serious overload for most people. Normally people take 4 classes per semester. Here are my classes:

- Writing 100 – Cells, Pods, and Links

- Religious Studies 101 – Religious Traditions in a Global Context

- Math 103 – Cultural Approaches to Math

- Interdisciplinary Studies 259 – Dinosaurs: Their Lost World

- Psychology 210 – Life-Span Developmental Psych

- Teaching Assistant for Personality Psychology

I am a psychology major, and normally I take a whole lot more psych classes than this. However, this semester there are very few psych classes being offered for some reason, and the ones that are being offered are the ones I've already taken. So my options were very limited. But it's kind of a good thing, because it means that I can get some classes outside of my major! My school requires that you take a certain number of classes outside of your major, and I'm having a hard time finding enough classes that I am actually interested in. I really only like psychology, unfortunately. Grr. But hopefully these classes will be good! If I end up getting super stressed and not being able to handle all five classes, I will likely drop Writing 100. But hopefully I can handle it! Yay school!

My classes start tomorrow, and I have Math 103 at 8 am, then my teaching assistant class at 10 am, and then my dinosaurs class at 12 pm. And then I have my life-span psych class from 7 to 9 pm... so tomorrow will be super busy! And I'm working in the afternoon after my classes, so basically I have no free time. But it's ok, because I'm excited for my classes!!!

Well, it's really late and I have to get up at 6:30 am, so I'll talk to you all later! Stay strong <3

One more day...

(This actually is a picture taken at my college, although I'm not in it)

One more day until I go back to school... Today I'm supposed to be packing, but it's 10 am and I don't feel like starting yet. Plus my boyfriend is out shopping at Sam's for snacks for us to take back to school with us, and he has the car so I can't even get to the stuff I need to pack. So for now, I'm stuck on the couch. Poor me (haha, not!). I got to sleep in this morning, which was fantastic! I feel like I haven't gotten to sleep in all summer.

Yesterday was my last day of work! I made brownies for everyone (I'm one of those weirdos who does nice things for other people when it's my special day - on my birthday, I made coconut macaroons for everyone else). My boss and the other office girls got me a "Good Luck!" card and took me out to lunch at Noodles and Co. It was delicious! Thelma and Carly also took my boyfriend and I out to dinner at Fazoli's, which was alright. It was a little awkward because I'm still upset with Carly, but I have to pretend that I'm not.

I also made homemade cards and brownies for all of my bf's parents as a "thank you" for letting me stay at their houses all summer. Here is a picture of the card I made for Patty and Gabi:

Here are the remnants of the brownies I made them two nights ago!

I think they enjoyed them, don't you? They are my special recipe, and they are the richest, most chocolatey brownies I have ever tasted. If you want the recipe, just shoot me a comment. They are delicious! I do realize that this is an ED blog though, so I'm not sure how many of you will actually want to eat brownies :-)

I can't wait to get back to school! I am a little disappointed though, because I just found out that the Sculpture class I was trying to add is full now :-( I was really hoping to take five classes this semester, but maybe this is for the best. I'm still looking to see if there's another class I might want to add instead. But anyway, I seriously can't wait to see all my friends again! I love you guys, but I need people in real life too :)

Well, I hope your Fridays are fantastic! Keep smiling :-)

The bad and the good

I had a confrontation with Carly (my bf's mom who I don't like that much) today. I went over with a peace offering (chocolate baked goods) and she cornered me. She asked if I was still upset with her, and I said yes. We had a conversation about why I was frustrated with her, and she basically tried to invalidate all my feelings about her. It was very, very frustrating. Then she told me that I had been rude to her all summer and she wasn't the only one who thought so (although she wouldn't specify who said that, so I don't know if it's really true). My feeling is that if someone has a problem with me, they should say something to my face, not tell the president of the company behind my back. I asked my direct boss (the office manager) last week if I needed to work on anything, and she said she couldn't think of anything. So is there really a problem or is she making it up? She said that Thelma agreed with her, but I haven't had a chance to talk to Thelma about it yet, so I'm not sure that's true either.

This completely sucks. I feel like every time I think things are going well, then something like this happens. What is wrong with me? Why do I always screw up when I have a good thing going? This is so frustrating. I can't even express what I'm feeling right now. Arg!

But I digress. In terms of food, I'm actually doing pretty well. I went to a church picnic today and had corn of the cob. This doesn't sound out of the ordinary, but the kicker is that I watched them dip it in a vat of butter before giving it to me. I almost had a freak-out, but I took a breath and ate it anyway. I did not think about how many calories of butter I was consuming while I was eating it. Also, I went to Old Chicago for dinner, and I had a personal pizza with Chicago-style crust. I ate half of it and was full, so I stopped. Yes! Now I have lunch for tomorrow, and I wasn't overly full.

So although I'm doing well with my food, I'm still struggling with my emotions about Carly and Thelma. What should I do? I feel like I should just be really careful about what I say, and maybe I won't offend them again. I want to work for them again next summer, but maybe it's not a good idea anymore. Help me guys! I desperately need advice. Thanks in advance!

Stay strong everyone <3

Need for control

Sometimes I feel like going back to starving, even though I know it's not good for me. I read some of my friends' blogs here (which I shouldn't really do anyway because it's triggering, but they're my friends, I can't just abandon them!) and I miss it. I miss having control like that. I miss the accomplished feeling of losing 2 pounds in a day. I miss meeting my weight goals and being happy all day because of it. I miss knowing that I am stronger than all those people who need to eat. I miss feeling skinny.

It's not that I really want to go back, because I realize that it's not a sustainable lifestyle (for me at least). My original plan was to starve myself skinny and then go into recovery when I got home from school in December. I am going to Australia for study abroad in February, and I don't want to be obsessed with food while I'm over there. I actually want to enjoy myself, not be worried about my weight the whole time! But anyway, I just want the control back. Sometimes I feel like starving was the only thing I was good at, and now what do I have? Of course, deep down I know that's not true. I am a valued employee at my workplace. People appreciate the things I do. I'm a good student (3.76 GPA, thank you very much). I'm intelligent and semi-attractive and I'm good at many things. I just have to believe in myself, I guess.

I haven't weighed myself in a while, and that's good because I'm afraid that I've gained more. I'm definitely scared to face the scale, and I will have to look eventually. Like I've said before, if I get above 190, something will have to change. I think when I get back to school, I'm going to eat like a normal person and not worry too much about what kind of food I'm eating, but I'm going to cut back on the dessert. Last year I ate dessert with practically every meal, and that's not really alright. So I'm thinking that maybe 1 dessert or less per day would be a good start, and then once I get used to that, then I can cut back more if I feel it's necessary. But I don't want to cut it out altogether, because then I'll get obsessive again. Did you know that's what started this relapse in March? I decided to cut out dessert and soda, and within a week I was hardcore restricting and purging again. Wow. It obviously doesn't take much to trigger me, so I have to be careful.

I love you ladies, you know that. You are my sunshines :) Stay strong everyone!

Love

What is love? (haha, now I've got that Haddaway song stuck in my head) There are many different kinds of love: self-love, love for your friends, love for your parents, love of a significant other, love for your pets, love of your job or hobbies, etc. So what does that make love? I've heard that love is patient and love is kind, love does not boast, is not easily angered, is not rude or self-seeking. It also always trusts, protects, hopes and perseveres. So what happens if you are experiencing something that doesn't do one or more of those things? How can you never get angry with someone that you love? How can you ALWAYS trust someone that you love? I love my boyfriend, but I get angry at him sometimes. I love my parents, but I sure as heck don't trust them very much. Love is probably the most confusing emotion ever, I think.

I wish that I could love myself more than I do. If I loved myself, I would be more free to love others, like my boyfriend and my friends, etc. I think that loving myself means taking care of myself. It also means letting myself feel emotions, even if I don't like them. It means not overeating because I'm stressed. It means standing up for myself when I feel threatened or violated. It also means liking my body just the way it is.

This is going to be my goal of this semester of school. Here are my goals, in writing so I don't forget them.

Goal #1: Take care of myself (eat healthy foods, drink enough water, get enough sleep)
Goal #2: Be assertive and don't let myself get trampled on.
Goal #3: Ask for help when I need it.
Goal #4: Work hard at school but still take time for myself.

What are your goals? What do you think love is? Do you love yourself?

Telling my mom

Thanks for all your kind comments about Thelma and Carly! I really appreciate that I'm not completely crazy and alone in thinking that Thelma would be much better without Carly :)

Did I tell you guys that I told my mom that I'm on meds? To give you some background, my mom doesn't like therapists and therapy, and she HATES psychiatric meds. So it's already really ironic that I'm a psych major and want to be a school counselor. You know what she said when I told her?

"What, did those people you're living with con you into taking meds??"

Ridiculous! Then she went on a long rant about how I don't need medication because I'm JUST FINE without it, until I finally stopped her and said, "Mom, can you just be quiet and let me talk for a minute? I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions about my mental health!"

I calmly explained to her that I have been really depressed, anxious, and having problems with my eating. She was freaking out and saying how sad she was for me and how she wished she could do something. Well let me take the freaking meds and get over it then! My mom is a firm believer in the "ignore-it-and-pretend-it-doesn't-exist-and-maybe-it-will-go-away" method. It seems to work just fine for her, but it doesn't work for me anymore. Stuff doesn't just go away. That's how I ended up with chronic Achilles tendinitis instead of temporary Achilles tendinitis.

Anyhoo, my eating is going alright, but I'm eating a lot of junk unfortunately. I'm trying to not freak out about it, although it's hard sometimes. Today I ate Taco Bell for lunch, a Pay Day candy bar for snack, and pizza for dinner. Hmm, see a pattern here? I hope this pattern doesn't continue :( I haven't been counting calories though, and I haven't weighed myself... since Monday, lol. I weighed myself Monday, and I was 185 pounds. I guess that's alright. I'm not overjoyed about it, but I'm not miserable either. It's only a 10 pound gain from 175 (my cryptonite weight), so it's fine I suppose. Blarg. Recovery sucks ass sometimes, let me tell you. If I gain any more (over 190 pounds) I will definitely freak.

I love you ladies. Stay strong <3

Crazy parents

My boyfriend's parents are driving me NUTS! Let me just clarify something before I rant: my boyfriend has four moms. I live with one pair (let's call them Thelma and Carly) and I visit the other pair about once a week (let's call them Patty and Gabi). Thelma and Carly are the ones I live with, and they are starting to get on my nerves. Specifically, Carly is getting on my nerves. She and Thelma own the counseling business that I work for together. Carly is the owner and Thelma is the clinical director. I'm already in an awkward position because I work for them, but I hear things that others don't because I live with them. So when I'm having a personal issue with one of them, I can't say anything to anyone at work because that would be inappropriate.

Anyway, Carly sits on her ass all day while Thelma does all the work. For example, all Carly has done today is take my bf shopping and mess around with her computer. She rarely ever goes to work. Thelma has dealt with countless clients, and is still at work even though it's 7 pm. She'll probably still be there at 8 pm, and then she'll get to come home if she's lucky. Thelma has battled through a divorce, a mentally disabled child, and breast cancer, among other things. She is one of the strongest people I know. After Thelma gets home from work, most nights she still has to cook dinner and clean up the house, because Carly can't be bothered.

Carly sits on her ass all day long, and complains about how much she hurts. She has severe Restless Legs Syndrome and some sort of neurological disorder, but the doctors can't figure out what's wrong. Her body hurts many days, but some days it doesn't. She is constantly complaining about it, and when she does feel good, she'll go and overexert herself and then feel even worse the next day. She never does anything that Thelma asks her to do, even simple things like unloading the dishwasher! Thelma does EVERYTHING. On top of that, she treats Thelma like shit, and treats Thelma's daughter like she's not part of the family. Thelma has told me on numerous occasions that she wants to leave Carly.

The point of this long background story is that Carly is driving me nuts. On top of being lazy, she's also annoying. Her personality is grating, and if I'm in any sort of bad mood, she'll drive me up the wall. On Friday, I accidentally read a text from her to my boyfriend, saying that I was in hot water at work with my boss and that I was getting cocky and bossy. Of course, I know that's not true. And just to be sure, I asked my boss at work today if there is anything I need to work on, and she couldn't think of ANYTHING. So obviously she's lying, trying to turn my bf against me. Seriously lady, if you have a problem with me, say it to ME, not my boyfriend!! God...

I am so glad I'm going back to school in less than two weeks. I only have this week with Thelma and Carly, and then my boyfriend and I will go to live with Patty and Gabi on Saturday this week, until we leave for school. Only four more days with Carly!! I will miss Thelma though. She and I have become close, and we're a lot alike.

Well, I congratulate you if you got through all that!! It was long and possibly boring :) I love you guys, you know that. Stay strong <3

Date night

I went on a great date with my boyfriend tonight :) We went to Noodles and Company for dinner, then to a movie (Inception, which I've already seen but he wanted to see it so I went with him), and then we got Ben&Jerry's ice cream and chatted. It was fantastic :) All during the movie, we kissed periodically and whispered in each other ears. He is such a sweetheart. I'm so glad I have him! I don't think I could have found a better guy.

I also went shopping today with my bf's mom. We went to Lane Bryant, which I barely fit into anymore because I've lost so much weight. For those of you who don't know, Lane Bryant is a plus-size clothing store. Most of my shirts are from there, and I LOVE it. Their clothes are so cute, and they were the first clothes that actually fit me and looked good after I gained weight in high school. They can be a little pricey, but it's totally worth it because the clothes last forever. The only problem now is that their smallest size is 14/16, and I'm probably a 12 now, so stuff is a little bit sometimes. Anyway, I got four shirts from there. I also went to to Old Navy and got some cute dark-wash jeans. It's amazing when I can go shopping and find exactly what I want, fast! How does that happen??

I don't want to make it seem like my life is all roses and teacups, because it's definitely NOT. My boyfriend's parents are talking about splitting up, and I can't tell my boyfriend about it because he'll get really upset. And his parents keep telling me all about it... it's lots of fun (insert sarcasm here).

Also, I'm super broke. I have a bunch of money in my bank account, but I'm supposed to be saving it for the school year and study abroad. I'm really worried that I won't have enough money to actually have fun while I'm in Australia. I mean, what's the fun in studying abroad if you don't have enough money to buy food or do any touristy things? I hope it all works out...

Ok guys, I'm going to have lots of hot sex with my boyfriend now ;) Stay strong girlies <3

SEX

I love it. Seriously, I didn't realize how much I missed it until I was with my boyfriend again. Let me just say, I have bite marks all over my upper back, and two hickeys on the right side of my neck ;D
BEST SEX EVER.

So basically all I did today was eat, sleep, and have sex. I'm about to have dinner with my bf's parents, his stepsister, and her son. It's a dinner for one of his mom's birthdays (which was actually on Wednesday, but she wanted to wait to celebrate until he got home). We're having yummy vegetable stir fry, and a Dairy Queen cake. I've only eaten two donuts and a little bit of Fiber One cereal today, so I'm super hungry. I didn't not eat on purpose, but I took a nap between noon and 4 pm, and by then it was too late to eat anything! Oopsies...

I hope you all are having a great day!! Thank you for all your wonderful comments. Love you to bits <3 Stay strong!

P.S. Peri, I totally gave him and high five from you, and he laughed :) It was great!

My boyfriend is coming home!!

My bf is coming home tonight, probably around 9 pm, and I am soooo excited! He sent me this really cute text today that said, "I can wait to see you... naked!" Lol. I can't wait to see him naked either ;) I am seriously deprived. And now that I'm not really depressed anymore (because of the meds and because I'm eating again), I actually have a sex drive! It's great.

I have been doing alright, foodwise, but I've been eating a whole bunch of crap. Like yesterday I ate four cupcakes. Really?? But the good news about that is that I don't really care all that much. I ate the cupcakes and didn't feel guilty about it. Normally I would be beating myself up like crazy over something like that, so this is good news! Also, I mentioned that I ate four cupcakes to my coworker, and she was all like "Oh, you should have had something healthier instead," and I totally didn't mind or care that she knew that I ate so many cupcakes. Normally I would NEVER tell anyone what I ate, and I would be humiliated if they knew. But I didn't really care. It's great!! I don't have the same amount of social anxiety that I used to, and it's fabulous.

So I only have two weeks until I go back to school! Two weeks from tomorrow will be my last day of work. Thank goodness! I love the people I work with, but sometimes the job is just horrible. Not always, but sometimes. However, I got this great phone call today from this lady who wanted therapy who told me that I would make a great therapist someday :) That was good. Today actually went pretty well, compared to the rest of the week. I barely had anything to do, so I actually got to sit around and chat for a bit. I also went to lunch at Panera Bread with my coworkers, which was a lot of fun.

Well, that's about it. Ya'll are great :) Stay strong lovies <3

Average

The last few days have been alright. Well, at least on average. Yesterday was great and today sucked, so it averages out to alright. Yesterday I worked thirteen hours, which seems like it would have sucked, but I was in such a good mood that I didn't really care. My autism session was a little rough, because my client didn't want to do anything. And I was starving by the time I got home, but I was happy so it was alright :)

Today was horrible. This morning at 1 am, my boyfriend's mom burst into my room and asked to borrow my car (which isn't really mine, it's my boyfriend's other parent's car) because her grown-up daughter was sick and needed to go to the ER. The first thing I asked was, "Why can't you take your partner's car?" The cryptic answer to that was something about the partner needing to go to Sam's in the morning so she didn't want to lend the car out. WHAT? So I said yes, immediately regretting it. It's not my car, and she's a horrible driver, and it was the middle of the night. Plus, do I really want a sick person in my backseat, potentially puking or something?? Then I found out (after my bf's mom left with my car) that her partner doesn't want to lend her the car because she doesn't like that my bf's mom supports her daughter (who is grown and has a four year old son, but is developmentally disabled and bipolar). SO now I'm stuck in the middle of this fight between them, which will likely end in one of them leaving... fabulous.

I only got about four hours of sleep because of this fiasco, so I was exhausted this morning. Then I got to work, and a series of events occurred:
1) I had a confrontation with the psychiatric clinic coordinator, in which I yelled at her and thought I might lose my job (although I didn't, my boss backed me up).
2) My boyfriend's mom told me that the Google calendar system that I put into place might have to be pulled or completely changed, because she didn't think it through before she let me put it into place the first time. Fuck my life.
3) I kept getting dragged into the whole fight between my boyfriend's parents during the whole day, which doesn't sound like much, but I work for them and live with them, AND I can't say anything about their fight to my friends at the office because they work for my bf's parents too, so it would be inappropriate.

Plus I just got hassled by clients and generally hated my day. Death.
But the good news is, I know I can have bad days too! I was a little worried when I started the Lexapro that I wouldn't be able to have bad days, only good days, and that's not how life works. But now I know :) There's still me here, underneath all the happiness and energy!

Well, everyone have a great evening! I love you all :) Stay strong <3