Sometimes

Sometimes I am terrified to go back to school because I don't know what will happen this next semester, whether I will start drinking and hooking up again or if I will be a normal person for once.

Sometimes I feel triggered and I don't know what exactly did it.

Sometimes I do things to intentionally trigger myself, so that maybe it won't be so bad next time.

Sometimes I'm triggered and want to cut so badly that the only thing stopping me is the fact that I'm lazy and don't want to get out of bed.

Sometimes I wish that my rape wasn't so lame; I wish that I could prove it, or at least remember it, and then maybe it would feel more real.

Sometimes I wish that I had my eating disorder back, because it gave me something to focus on and control.

Sometimes I want to sleep for a month.

Sometimes I just want to be a "normal" person who doesn't need drugs or therapy.

Sometimes I hate myself because I feel like I should be better than I am, like I should be a better person, friend, daughter, sister, victim, student, employee, a better everything.

Sometimes I'm happy though. Perhaps more than sometimes :)

BLARG

Ok, so here's what happened last night. After I blogged, I was texting Isabel (or was that before... idk), and after I texted her about what I was confused about, she didn't text back for like two hours. During that time, shit went down. I convinced myself that no one liked me and I was a horrible person. I thought about the rape and abuse a lot, and that was bad, of course. I struggled for about an hour with thoughts about self-injury. It got to the point where I was all ready, razor out, watch off my wrist, tissues within reach. No bandaids. That's what I forgot. Spent at least 20 minutes fighting with myself. Finally, after swearing for a minute, I texted a friend. Help. As soon as I did that, it felt like I had won, and I was able to put everything away and distract myself with a movie. So that's the good news :)

Around midnight, just as I was deciding to go to sleep, Isabel called me. What our conversation comes down to is this: she didn't have feelings for me until we restarted our hooking up in April. And she didn't really admit them to herself until now. So basically, she has feelings for me but loves her boyfriend, and even if we see each other, nothing can happen. Which I kind of knew already, but it's sad to hear it. I kind of feel like I've been dumped, even though a) I already knew that nothing would come of our relationship, and b) we weren't dating or anything. Wow, I'm lame. I also feel really responsible for the whole situation. I was the one who initiated the restarting in April. I knew that it was a really bad idea for me, and I knew that I would get hurt, but I decided to do it anyway. But I figured that she was the kind of person who could have friends-with-benefits relationship and not get hurt. Oops. I have never seen this kind of relationship end well. Ever. I should have known better. I feel like it's my fault, even though she spent a good 30 minutes trying to convince me otherwise last night. Oh well.

So that's that. Nothing much to report about today. I have been watching TV, doing laundry, and thinking about doing some research. Grrr. I'm just so angry with myself. That's basically my mood for the day: frustrated and angry at myself.
<3 you all.

I am so confused

The red thing is a heart, and the other thing (holding the leash) is a brain. Get it?

I have been reading Isabel's blog (you know, my make out buddy), and it's confusing me. She just gave me the link, and I've been reading posts she wrote about me in October, November, January, April, etc. I guess I have been thinking that she has feelings for me too, since she claims to miss me a lot. But maybe I've been wrong all along. I mean, duh, she's in love with her boyfriend! They are probably going to get married! I just need to get over it. I need to move on, because this isn't healthy. I've been deceiving myself for way to long. Come on, Liz, get with it! Be realistic. You have no chance with this girl, and it's time to let go. Accept the fact that even if you do see her again, it doesn't matter; it's still the same situation as it was.

Other than that realization, things have been normal. I'm super glad that work is over for the week; only four weeks to go! My kids were super cute this week because they were 1st graders. One of the little girls kissed a little boy, and they ended up trying to hold hands and be near each other all week. It was totally adorable, but it wasn't necessarily appropriate for camp, so we had to have a talk about keeping our mouths to ourselves (lol). SO CUTE!

I have had my rape on my mind a lot this week. I've been doing a lot of work around it in therapy, and I have homework for therapy that keeps me thinking about it outside of my session. Plus I had coffee with this friend (that I mentioned in my last post, let's call her Amy) and we pretty much talked about our experiences with rape the whole time. So I've been thinking about it and having memories about it (and my sexual abuse experience too) this whole week. It pretty much sucks. I DO NOT want to be thinking about this. I want to cut. Right now. Really bad. THIS SUCKS.
That's all.

YAY!!

Hey guys! Guess what?? I got a job! It's at the science museum that I used to work at. I quit that job to work at a mental health clinic last summer, but now I have it again! I used to be an assistant teacher for the summer classes (for kids ages 5 to 14, separated into classes by grade), but now I will be watching the kids after the classes end and helping out as needed during the second half of the day. So my shift is 12 pm to 6 pm. That means 30 hours per week at about $9.50 per hour (I'm guessing on this, since I haven't been offered a specific salary yet). I haven't officially been offered the job yet, but that's because I was only interviewed yesterday and my boss has to submit the paperwork to Human Resources. By the end of the week, I should know my schedule! The classes are each a week long, so it's different kids every week. I didn't originally get the job, because I kinda sucked at it last time, but someone backed out at the last minute so my boss needed someone who was already trained. So that's me! Classes officially start next week. So YAY!! I'm excited to make some money and get more experience working with kids.

The only thing about having a job is that a) I will have less time to bum around the house (i.e. do research for my thesis, watch a ton of TV, knit a lot), and b) I can't go to my pilates class anymore! The class is at noon, and I have to be at work at noon. Poo. I'm sad about that. But whatever, I'll survive.

Finally, I got an email from a researcher who is doing a study on pro-ana bloggers. She asked that I forward the info to other bloggers that might be interested, so here it is: 

Hello,

My name is Daphna Yeshua-Katz and I am a graduate student in the Department of Telecommunications at Indiana University. I have read your blog and would like to invite you to participate in my study about pro-ana bloggers. I am very interested in learning about your motivations for publishing your blog, as well as the benefits the blog may provide to both you and your readers.

Ideally, the interview would take place over the phone or via Skype. However, if you don’t feel comfortable with either of these approaches, I would be happy to send my questions to you via email. I can schedule the interview at convenient day and time for you. Whichever method you choose, please know that your identity will be kept anonymous and your answers will stay strictly confidential. 

You are also welcome to ask me any questions about the study at any time. You can contact me by email at dyeshuak@indiana.edu, phone +1- 812-3204517. In the meantime, you can learn more about me here:  http://www.indiana.edu/~telecom/people/grads/dyeshuak.shtml . I hope to hear from you soon.

Best regards,

Daphna Yeshua-Katz

P.S. If you know more pro-ana bloggers that would be interested in participating in this study please feel free to forward them this invitation.

If you're interested, contact her! I'm participating, and it should be fun! I love studies. I think that's the psychology major in me talking, lol. 

Well, I'm off. I have my first appointment with my new therapist in about two hours. I'll post tomorrow to let you know how it went!

Love you all <3

Counting calories... :(

I have a confession: I'm counting calories. But I'm not sure it's in a bad, eating disordered way. Since I started working out, I've been thinking that I need to be healthier overall. So I joined this site called SparkPeople a few days ago, and it's been helping me track my calories eaten and burned. But I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't such a good idea. Here's why:

Tonight I went to my gramma's house to watch a movie and eat pizza. And when I remembered that we were eating pizza, I immediately panicked and was worried about the extra calories. Which is stupid, because I AM ALLOWED TO EAT PIZZA! I shouldn't be worried about the calories in the pizza; I should be worried about how hungry or full I am when I'm eating the pizza. I also had an experience a few nights ago where I couldn't sleep because I was super hungry, but I was afraid to eat because I had already had my allotted calories for the day. Soooo, I think that this counting thing is a bad idea. It's not super obsessive yet, but it is getting there.

But the good thing that has come out of this is some healthier meal habits forming. Instead of eating a large portion of granola for breakfast, I am going to start making peanut butter/banana smoothies, which sounds WAAAY better (and healthier, and has protein!). I'm also switching to fruits and veggies for snacks instead of tons of wheat thins. Not that I can't have wheat thins, but I should not eat half a bag of them in one sitting.

OH HEY, I might have a job opportunity! I met a girl last night at a church group who said that Old Navy is hiring some people for the summer (she works there). So I'm going to apply! YAY! I really hope I get it. NEEEEED MONEY!

Finally, I had a scare yesterday. Remember Isabel, the amazing woman that I was hooking up with and had feelings for? She texted me yesterday and told me that she had attempted suicide the previous day. She wasn't trying too hard, because she could have taken a lot more pills than she did. I think she didn't completely want to die. But still, it totally freaked me out. I'm really, really, really worried about her. I would be completely devastated if she died. I can't deal with this! NOT OK. I'm keeping a close eye on her (at least the best I can, since she's in Illinois and I'm in Oregon), just in case. I just can't lose her. I can't do it. I wouldn't survive.

Ok, lovies. It is sleepy time for me! I'm totally exhausted today. Have a great Friday!!

Oh, Rebecca Black...

DoryDoryDoryDory

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I have a serious memory issue. I remember basically nothing from my life. It sounds dramatic, but it's pretty much true. Childhood and middle school are completely missing, except from random flashes of events - a picture of me and my kindergarten boyfriend at my ballerina birthday party; me reading in my doorway after bedtime and getting in trouble; me sitting at the table for hours because I didn't want to eat my breakfast but was being forced to. There's more than that, but you get the idea. Middle school is completely missing except for a few key events, like switching schools, losing my friends, etc. High school is more vivid, but not by much. The events blur together, and I couldn't tell you how old I was or anything like that. College is better than all of that, but only because I just did it. And I still don't remember a lot.

I measure my life by what kind of crisis I'm having at the time. I know that my friend Jackie caught me cutting at school when I was a sophomore in high school because that's when my cutting really took off. I remember Halloween when I was 16 because I learned to purge that night. I remember last semester (fall) because of my crazy cutting, suicidal behavior, etc. I call myself a goldfish, because I was under the impression that they had a short memory span... but I just googled it and they have a memory span of at least three months. Crap. So let's go with Dory (you know, from Finding Nemo). Some people call me that too. It's kind of a running joke with my friend group that I won't remember tomorrow what we are talking about today. But really, it's probably true. I forget EVERYTHING. Really important things. How my friends and I met. Information that I just learned. Conversations that I had five minutes ago. It's really, really frustrating and embarrassing.

On that same note, I just had a very odd, unexpected flashback. I was looking at this slideshow that my parents have playing on their screensaver and I saw a picture of me in this cute pinafore dress thing. It looked a lot like this one:

I loved this pinafore. I used to pretend that I was Laura from Little House on the Prairie and I would play in my treehouse for hours. But at some point, it stopped fitting. I was really upset, because I really loved it. And my assumption was this: it doesn't fit anymore because I got fat. Not, it doesn't fit anymore because I am still a growing girl who should be getting bigger. No, I got fat. I couldn't have been more than 9 years old when this happened. My eating disorder didn't take off until I was 13, but I can see warning signs all throughout my childhood, and this is a new one that I just remembered. Weird, right?

In other news, I am home! Yay! I miss college and my friends already, but I'm glad to be done with all my stupid papers. I already know that I got an A in my religious studies class and I aced that paper (!). I'm waiting on my other grades, and it might be a week or so until I know. I really, really, really, really miss my friend Isabel. You know, the one that I have been hooking up with and have feelings for. It was crushing when we had to say goodbye. Horrible. She wrote me this wonderful letter, and I cry every time I read it. She misses me a lot too. We've been texting a TON. But I hope that in time, it won't hurt as much.

Ok, enough. I have to go to Costco and buy snacks and such, since my parents don't keep any food in the house (why???). Love you all!

Soooo

My best friend and I are in a fight again. This is so frustrating! I'm starting to question our whole friendship. I won't go into the details, but it's something really stupid again. I'm just concerned... why do I even call her my best friend?
- I don't trust her as much as I trust my other friends.
- She would be my second or third call if I needed help with something (ED, cutting, rape related).
- We fight about stupid stuff all the time.
- I feel like she is always judging me.
- Every time we have an argument, she manages to make it all my fault. She is never doing anything wrong.
- She makes me feel like a bad person when we fight.
- She doesn't know what I need (in freak-out situations), and doesn't tend to listen when I tell her.

All of this makes me question if we should be friends. The other thing is that we are basically best friends by default. She doesn't have any other friends and I don't have any other friends who don't already have a best friend. I hate being the third wheel, and I'm not with her. But that shouldn't make us best friends... I don't know. This sucks. Thankfully, she's studying in Chicago next semester, so I won't see her as much.

In other news, I forgot to tell ya'll that I purged... yah. I don't know what to make of it. I think this was a few weeks ago, but I can't remember exactly when. I was drinking and it was the end of the night. I was trying to sober up, and thus was eating cheetos and drinking a crap-ton of water. I was feeling like I was going to barf anyway, so I made myself throw up to hurry the process along. But unfortunately, it didn't stop there. I did that several times during the following two hours. I don't know what I was thinking, but I don't think it was a good idea all around. I don't think I needed to keep barfing, so I'm not sure what my thought process was. So like I said, I'm not sure what to make of that.

And finally... I had another hook-up. No, not with Isabel. I went to a party on Tuesday night (we didn't have class on Wednesday because it was Spring Day, which is a day every year where we just get to have fun- bouncy castle, water balloon fight, laser tag, dunk tank, etc.) and I met this guy. He wasn't that attractive, but he started grinding on me on the dance floor and I didn't stop him. Eventually, we ended up making out and I brought him back to my room. He was kind of a douche... he dissed Greek life, which pissed me off, but I let it slide. But when we were hooking up (making out topless, basically), I was just BORED. He was a bad kisser and I was bored. My body was responding, but my brain was somewhere else. Instead of thinking about the hook-up, I was thinking about my laundry... lol. So I finally kicked him out. I told him that I was too sober, haha. And I was, I was totally sober. Also, he gave me this huge hickey, but I'm a MASTER at getting rid of hickey's, so it was gone the next day (ha!). But after he left, I showered because I felt dirty. He was gross and I should have known better. Ew ew ew ew.

All of this kind of worries me. I'm hooking up with people, drinking more, feeling happier and more confident for no reason... does this sound familiar? It sounds like last semester to me. I really don't need a hypomanic episode right now. Please go away, hypomania... grr. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Idk.

Sorry it's been so long!

Hey ya'll, sorry it's been so long since my last post. School got pretty crazy and I legitimately forgot about this blog. Having two blogs is getting confusing...

Not much to tell here. I had two job interviews last Friday and I found out this Friday that I didn't get either job. I only have one (out of nine summer internships that I applied for) internship that hasn't rejected me yet... I'm slightly freaking out. I realize that even if the summer internship doesn't work out, something will happen and it will be ok. God will take care of me. But that doesn't mean that I can just forget about my anxieties and be completely fine, just like that. Ha. Yah right.

I did a 36 hour prayer fast with the Christian Fellowship group at my college this weekend. We started at 8 pm on Friday night and just broke our fast this morning at 8 am. Yesterday we spent the whole day together, praying, having fun, chilling out, and fellowshipping. It was really fun! And just what I needed too, because I had a craptastic Friday, so it was nice to have a fun, relaxing Saturday. The fasting part was a little dangerous and challenging for me, because of my history with fasting. Fasting was my absolute favorite thing to do when I was restricting. I LOVED fasting. It made me feel powerful, superior, clean, empty, beautiful, strong. I loved the feeling of complete emptiness. I loved that I had the willpower and cunning to avoid eating for days at a time. I once fasted for five days before I broke down and ate. Of course, my fasts always ended in binges, but usually some of the weight loss stuck.

Anyhooooo... I had a little bit of a food issue yesterday. I found myself afraid to drink the gatorade that we had available. I kept thinking about the calories and felt like it was cheating. Every time I've fasted before, I only drank water. Eventually, I had to tell a friend that I was freaking out and after that I was more able to make myself drink some gatorade and not obsess over it.

Thankfully, I was ok when we broke our fast this morning. Except I'm SUPER full right now and my stomach hurts :( But it was totally worth it. We were praying mostly for homelessness, which was really good. It was nice to focus only on God for the whole day.

Other than that, nothing much has happened, at least that I can remember. Oh wait! I started hooking up with my friend Isabel again. We hooked up for a bit in October and then I started getting jealous of her boyfriend so we stopped. But she's graduating in three weeks (noooo!) so I decided that I would ask her if we could do it again. We hooked up last night and it was freaking amazing. I felt great afterwards. So good. I have no words to describe it. Aaaaaahhhhh.

But yes. That's it. Love you all! <3

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ok, so I thought I'd do an update post. Sometimes I post something and then forget that ya'll don't live in my head and know what happened with it. To start with, I found out that Mary (my crush from this post) doesn't like me. I didn't ask, but I figured it out. It's ok, though, because now I can move on. I think it was more that I wanted to know. I probably didn't like her as much as I thought I did.

On another, related note, I am not defective! I was worried in my last post that I would be fucked up forever (sexually and emotionally) from what happened. But, I'm not. I had a nice, stress-free, pressure-free encounter with a man that I've hooked up with before, and I was completely fine. He wanted to hook up (by hook up, I mean make-out and take our shirts off, not sex), but I didn't really want to, or I wasn't sure if I wanted to. But I invited him over anyway, and I told him that we could just talk. But once he was at my room (and he knows what happened and is totally understanding and supportive), I decided to go for it. It was completely fine and he was totally nice and kept checking to see if I was alright. So it was great! I'm glad that I can be with someone and not freak out. However, any farther than kissing and touching and I would probs freak.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm sort of questioning if I'm really an alcoholic. I miss drinking :( That sounds bad, I know. But think about it. I had a really horrible time last semester, and I was drinking a lot to make myself feel better. I was also in the middle of a bipolar episode, and that explains my excessive drinking. Before last semester, I wasn't a crazy drinker. I could stop and start when I wanted to. I was in total control. I was fine. So I think that last semester was just a fluke, and if I'm healthier, then I should be able to drink in a healthier way too. But I don't know. I want to talk to my therapist and see what she thinks. But the reason I'm thinking about this is that my friend and I were talking and decided that maybe I should just try to drink again (in moderation) and see what happens. We talked about just buying 3 beers each, and drinking ONLY three beers each, and then going dancing. No more than that. And then see what happens. But again, I don't know. We'll see what I think about it and what my therapist says.

Ok, enough talking. I'm so tired. I must sleep.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

There isn't a title to fit this post

A lot's been happening I guess. My ED is probably the least of my problems. The biggest ones are the rape and the depression/hypomania. I officially have some sort of bipolar-like mood disorder, probably Bipolar II Disorder. It's the less intense one where you get hypomanic episodes instead of full-blown manic ones. Mostly I get the depression, but being on the Lexapro earlier this year triggered a huge hypomanic episode. That definitely explains the copious amounts of hook-ups and alcohol use!

In other related news, I am not going to Australia. My college called a week ago and said that they weren't comfortable letting me go overseas. I guess I'm too unstable. I think the biggest reasons they won't let me go are a) my suicidal intent shortly before I left school in December, b) my alcohol use, and c) the lack of support available to me at the Australian university. Other reasons include a) they're covering their asses, b) they don't like me, and c) my rape. It's very frustrating that they didn't tell me all of this sooner, because I'd already purchased my plane ticket, student visa, health insurance, etc. My family is out about $1,000. The school agreed to absorb the cost of my student visa ($500), otherwise we'd be out $1,500 instead. I'm trying to fight with the airlines and the study abroad program to give me back the rest of my money. I mean, if I had a heart attack and couldn't go abroad, they would totally give me my money. This is the same thing! Hopefully something can be worked out.

I guess I'm disappointed. It's very disconcerting to have planned for something for over a year and then suddenly it's not possible anymore. They said I could go abroad in the fall if I wanted, but I have plans for senior year. I want an internship with the Admissions office and I want to do a senior thesis (which you have to be invited to do!). So going in the fall is out. However, it's not all bad news. I can minor in religious studies now, which I couldn't do before because I didn't have time with the study abroad. I also get to see my friends and have a strong support system as I recover from everything that's happened in the last year. I also get to see my crush, although I don't know if she likes me back, so that's another story I guess :)

I'm trying to look on the bright side. Mostly I'm affected by other things like the rape right now. I got an email from my school last night about the final outcome of the report that I filed. Basically, my attacker is not allowed to contact me and is not allowed on campus until after I graduate. I think that's pretty good for what I had to work with. It's hard to do anything to a person who is graduating. I think the hardest part of all of this for me is having to think about it again. I had sort of pushed it away, and I had to read her statement in the email, and that was very upsetting. I hate her so much. She lied to the school and said that I said I would hurt myself if we didn't have sex. I would NEVER say that. You guys know me! I am not manipulative with my self-injury. It's only for myself! Even my therapist said that it was the most bizarre excuse she'd ever heard, and she's worked on a lot of college campuses before. Ugg this just makes me so angry. I wish she would die.

Blarg, well I think this has been long enough. Oh, last thing. I got on a new medication because Lexapro wasn't working anymore and then it made me very suicidal when they upped my dose. So now I'm taking Lamictal. 25mg for two weeks and then 50mg for two weeks, and then we'll see. I really hope this helps! I'm tired of feeling horrible all the time.

Love you all, and sorry I've been so lax in posting and commenting.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

This is something I got in the hospital, and I love it. It's by Portia Nelson.

I.

I walk, down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in

I am lost... I am helpless

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever  to find a way out. 

II.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn't my fault.

It still take a long time to get out.

III.

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there. 

I still fall in... it's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately. 

IV. 

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V. 

I walk down another street.

This describes eating disorders to a T. My depression and my self-injury are just like this. I like to pretend that I don't think they're a problem, but I'm just ignoring the problem. I actually have to walk AROUND the hole (my problems) and do something differently to solve them. I have to call a friend instead of cutting again. I have to go to the hospital instead of crying myself to sleep, holding a bottle of Tylenol. I have to face my rapist instead of ignoring the issues I'm having.

Speaking of that last point...

I was raped.

December 3rd.

I was drunk.

She was attractive.

She was supposed to be taking me home and putting me to bed.

Instead we had sex.

I didn't consent. I was FAR too drunk to be capable of consent. 

I wouldn't have consented if I'd been sober.

I woke up naked, wet, and completely confused.

I remember nothing.

I reported the incident to my school, after I found out what really happened.

I am still waiting to find out what happens to her. 

I should know tomorrow.

I hate her so much.

I can't sleep.

I have no appetite.

I am afraid to leave my room.

I have panic attacks.

I have lost many friends (the ones who are siding with her).

I just want to go home.

But this time, unlike last time, I reported it. I didn't ignore it and pretend that it didn't happen for four years. I faced it. YES! That's the victory in all of this.

I really need to grow a brain

Seriously. Yesterday I nearly did something really stupid and dangerous, but thank goodness my common sense kicked in (was it God?) and I got myself out of the situation. Here's the back story.
Yesterday I signed up for OkCupid, which is an internet dating sight. I signed up because I'm doing a research paper on internet dating, and decided to get some firsthand knowledge. In the first 30 minutes of me joining, I was talking to three or four people, all who wanted casual sex. The first two I turned down because they were creepy dudes. But the third was this really nice 18-year old woman. We chatted for a few hours by email before she even brought up the fact that she was looking for a woman to join a threesome with her and her boyfriend. For some odd reason (maybe I was flattered? maybe I was looking to try something new?) I thought that it would be a great idea.  But of course, I was still super careful. I refused to give her my phone number. I agreed to meet her and her boyfriend for coffee at a coffee shop that is within walking distance from my college campus.

But here's where I get dumb. I didn't tell anyone where I was going. I thought about it, but I thought that if I told anyone they would be horrified and tell me not to go (this should have been my clue that it was a bad idea, but whatever). When I got there, they were pretty nice. We chatted for about 45 minutes, and then I got into their car. Dumb. Never get into a stranger's car! I have watched WAY too much Law and Order and CSI to get into a stranger's car willingly! The whole time, my alarm bells were going off. But I let them drive around, trying to figure out a place to go.

Finally, my common sense kicked in, and I told them that I wasn't comfortable anymore. They were super nice (thank God!) and took me back to the cafe. I am so glad I didn't die or something. I could have been kidnapped. I could have been raped. I could have died. But I didn't. I am positive that God is to thank for this. I know many of you aren't religious, but I am. I sent a quick prayer up to God on my way to the coffee shop last night, and I know He heard. Thank you God! I am so glad that I'm safe.

The other horrible thing about last night was that the guy in the couple reminded me of Creepy Old Guy. I dated this man when I was 16 who was 28, and I call him Creepy Old Guy. No one knew I was dating him. My friends barely knew and my family had no idea. We dated for four months before I came to my senses and broke it off. In fact, I actually broke up with him on the same day that I told my parents about my ED! Weird coincidence, huh? But anyways, he definitely took advantage of me, and I used to have nightmares about him. When I first got to college, I used to think I was seeing him everywhere (because he said he was going to come with me to college). Creepy! But the guy last night reminded me of him, and that totally freaked me out. A lot.

But the good news is that I came to my senses and I got myself out of there! I feel like I would not have done that a few years ago. I would have just gone with it.

I think I need to chill for a few weeks and focus on myself. No hooking up. No drinking. No crazy shit. Just me.

I don't know

I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I feel like I can't write in this blog because so many people in real life read it now. My sister, my friend. I don't want to hurt them! I don't want to accidentally say something that will especially upset them. But I have to keep writing. I don't know.

In other news, I had a fun Halloween weekend! Here's a picture of me in my costume:

**Picture deleted for privacy**

My costume looks way better in real life, I promise. The dress is super cute :) It was a great weekend, and I ended up hooking up with this really hot girl and getting an offer from another girl. How do I find these people? They just come to me.

I've been struggling a bit otherwise. It's been over two weeks since I've cut, and it's harder every day. I thought it was supposed to get easier! My therapist and I have been getting into scary territory in sessions, so maybe that's what is triggering me. In terms of eating, I'm doing alright. I keep thinking I'm fat, even though I know I'm not. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I AM BEAUTIFUL!

My friend made me this beautiful little booklet full of inspiration for when I feel bad about myself. I don't know if any of you are religious at all, but I love this quote from Psalm 121:
I lift my eyes up unto the heavens
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
The maker of heaven and Earth.

It's a beautiful quote, and I hope that I can think of it and ask for help if I need it.
Well, I need to go eat breakfast. And coffee! I NEED coffee. Love you all!

Those who mind don't matter

I've actually been doing pretty well this week! I had a good weekend (some nice hooking up), and I think I've gained a friend-with-benefits! I've talked about her before - Isabel. We've made out before, and this weekend we made out a lot and some other stuff ;) However, there are some limits to our relationship, because she had a boyfriend. They decide together how far they want her to go with me. But I'm totally fine with it, because she's super hot, and I get to make out with her!

Besides my sex life, I'm doing alright. I haven't cut since last Monday. My food stuff is going alright. I feel really fat, but I know that it's all in my head. I'm back to the weight I was at before I relapsed last semester, and that freaks me out. I've been weighing myself (I know, bad) because I have a scale in my room now. It's not mine - I borrowed it from a friend before fall break so that I could weigh my suitcase. I keep forgetting to give it back, but I really should do that soon. I need to stop weighing myself. About half the time, I can stop myself, but the other half of the time I can't.

Feeling fat all the time is really throwing me off. I feel like I can't wear a lot of my clothes, and that sucks. I like my  clothes, but I feel too fat to wear them. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. The only time I feel really attractive is when I'm dressed up to go out on the weekends. I felt really pretty this weekend when I went out, and really sexy ;) It's nice to feel wanted.

I'm a little bit worried that I'm using sex to make myself feel validated and attractive, but I don't think that's true. Maybe a little bit. But isn't it nice to have people want you? It's definitely a self-esteem booster to know that I can get anyone I want. All I have to do is show off my body and flirt, and BOOM, I have a hook-up. I guess having huge boobs is finally paying off!

Well, my homework needs to be done :( I have an exam in psychology tomorrow and a writing paper due Friday. I'm also hosting a prospective student this evening, so I can't do much homework after 7 pm.

I hope you are all doing well! I <3 you.
Remember: be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
~ Dr. Seuss

Weirdness

Well, my life is just a mess right now. It's a good mess and a bad mess at the same time. Here is the bad:

- My friend Tess (the one who I hooked up with and was pissed at me) sent me this text yesterday after I asked her if I could still hang out with her on the weekend:
"It's completely off limits. I never want to see you with any amount of alcohol in you again."
Bitch! So now we are not friends.
- I feel really awkward around Amanda because nothing's happened since last weekend, and I don't feel like pursuing her right now.

The good:

- I made out with my friend Isabel last night. She has a boyfriend but is allowed to mess around with girls if she wants to. She's a really, really good kisser :)
- I'm just having a really good day. I went to see The Social Network (the movie about FaceBook) last night with my sorority sister, and it was awesome! We also ate Chipotle, which was amazing.

I hope this weekend is filled with awesomeness. I have a ton of homework, but I'll manage. I'm really busy today, so most of my homework-doing will be tomorrow I think.
Also, I've been cutting a lot. Since Tess and I are no longer friends, it doesn't matter where I cut because no one's looking. So I've been cutting my wrist, which is my favorite place. I will stop when I'm ready.

Have a great day everyone! Love ya <3

Having a little trouble

Hi guys :) I've been struggling a bit lately. I haven't posted in a while because I'm not sure what to say. I ended up hooking up with a guy on Saturday night, who happened to be a friend of Tess's. Let's call him Joe. Needless to say, Tess was PISSED. Apparently they have a history together, and she was really hurt that I would do that. The words she used were that she "was just letting me into their friendship group and then I had to go and blow her best friend." I understand that she's upset, but here is where I'm coming from:

1) How was I supposed to know that they had a history?
2) I was really drunk and don't really remember most of it.
3) I wasn't the only individual involved - Joe was also there.
4) I wasn't aware that I had a received an invitation to join their group. I thought we were just hanging out.
5) Tess seemed fine with it (we were all hanging out beforehand), and she didn't say anything to stop us.

I feel like I didn't really do anything wrong. Yes, maybe I shouldn't have done it. But I did, and I can't change that. And I didn't know it would become a problem.
Anyway, this whole drama-fest plus mountains of schoolwork have led to me struggling. I almost had a relapse this morning. I planned last night that I wasn't going to eat today, so I didn't eat breakfast. But around 10 am, I was STARVING, and I realized that I can't do this anymore. I am not happy when I'm starving, and I'm not a nice person to be around. I'd rather be liked the way I am than be skinny and alone. So I got breakfast and ate it. I am also going to eat lunch and dinner.

I also started cutting again. I know, bad Liz. But sometimes you just need it. I didn't want to start again, but the urges were really strong. On Tuesday night, I really wanted to (and hadn't yet), so I texted Tess. She had told me previously to text her whenever I was struggling with that. She came right over and helped me through it. What really hurt me, though, was that she thought that I was lying about it, just to get her to come over. Really? When she said that, I told her to get the hell out of my room. But she came to her senses and stole all my sharp objects, and talked to me. However, she also told me that if she ever finds a cut on me (that I made myself), she would cut herself and it would be like I was cutting her. Way to guilt trip me! This means that I have to be really careful, because that sounds like a horrible experience. So I cut on my ankle, below my sock line, so that if she checks me then she hopefully won't find it. But let me tell you, I really miss doing my wrists and arms. I kind of wish I hadn't told her.

Well, lunch is calling my name. I hope you ladies are doing better than me :) Stay strong!

I'm a super slut

And I love it!!! It's great! I kissed two girls last night and hooked up with one. I thought it would be Amanda, but it actually wasn't. Although, we did sit next to each other, and she gave me a kiss and some flirtatious glances :) So obviously that's going somewhere, maybe tonight.

Let's start at the beginning. I got pretty drunk last night. I had probably 5 or 6 drinks, which is a good amount for me (meds or not). I felt drunk, but my mind was still quite clear. Weird, huh? At about 1 am, I was talking with two friends (let's call them Marisa and Tess) and we ended up making out with each other. Yay! Marisa is straight but makes out with girls when she's drunk. Tess has a boyfriend because it's more comfortable for her than dating girls, but she's seriously into girls and hooks up with them all the time (her boyfriend lets her). Later that night, when everyone had left, Tess and I were alone in her room. We ended up making out, and other hook-up stuff (!).

Basically it was an amazing night! I am playing golf with my sorority tonight, which should be awesome. Golf (for those who don't know) is a drinking game. You usually have anywhere between 20 and 50 people playing. Most of the people split into teams and make a different drink at their "hole." Each hole is in someone's room or lounge or whatever. Then you start at one hole, drink their special drink, and then move on to the next hole. It's a great way to get drunk quickly. Usually it has a theme, so our theme this time is "Ladies Who Lunch." Basically preppy sorority girls. I've also done Superhero themed golf and Dinosaur themed golf. You are supposed to dress up for the theme, which makes it super fun!

Ok, I have to go to a sorority breakfast, but I love you all! OH! I have 100 followers!!!!! This is so cool!!! I'm super excited. I hope your weekends are awesome. Stay strong!

Rawr means "I love you" in dinosaur

Well, life is passing by quite quickly these days. Sometimes I feel like I just want it to stop for a few minutes so I can catch my breath! I don't have any news about Amanda. I've seen her around, but she hasn't made a move yet. I made the first move by telling her that I'm interested, but now it's her turn. I'm hoping for something this weekend. Unfortunately, I have my period, so anything down there is out of the question. But I'm totally up for some making out!!

I have some pretty spectacular weekend plans as well. It's Homecoming Weekend, and my sorority is having some fun activities. On Saturday we're having a breakfast and a hour tour for the alumnae, and then we're tailgating the football game all afternoon. Then on Saturday night, we're having golf (a drinking game), which should be a ton of fun! I might be hosting a hole in my room, but we haven't made official plans yet.

Oh! Also, I had one of my friends tell me that she thinks I'm super hot and sexy. Let's call her Jamie. Jamie and I have been friends since last year, and she was previously dating another girl on our floor. They broke up about two months ago, and Jamie is still getting over her. She says she doesn't want a relationship or a hook-up right now, but maybe something later. I told her that I would be around when she was over her ex, and she said she might take me up on that! So basically I have a relationship lined up for after study abroad :) Yay yay yay! I'm excited, and she's super cute.

My homework is calling to me. It's saying, "Liz, Liz, please do me!" Haha, that sounds dirty ;)
You all are amazing! Sorry I've been such a deadbeat blogger lately. I promise I will try to comment on your blogs soon (unless I don't read them anymore because they're triggering). Stay strong!

Whazzup?

Hi guys! I'm super hyper right now. This is just how I am first thing in the morning (I know, really weird). I have exciting news! I have a crush on someone. And I told her. And she is adorable.

Basically, she's bisexual, and she has a boyfriend but she basically fucks everything in sight anyway (I guess they do some sort of open relationship thing). Let's call her Amanda (not her real name). She kind of smokes a lot of weed, which is fine with me. She also smokes cigarettes, which is less fine but I can deal with it. She's super adorable and always tells me I'm amazing and wonderful.

Just to clarify, I'm not looking for any sort of relationship right now. I really just want someone to make out with. That's it. I'm not sure if I'm ready to actually hook up with a girl (since I've never actually done it before...) but we'll see what happens. Since Amanda gets around, she's pretty experienced, so I'm sure I'd be in good hands if I decided to go for it. Ahh! I'm just super excited! And super hyper. Wow.

Also, a friend told me that apparently you can drink alcohol while on antidepressants. I also Googled it, and it said that drinking in moderation with Lexapro is fine. So I'm testing it out. Last night I had 1 shot of vodka with flavored water thing. I was completely sober still. Tonight I might have 2 shots. I would like to work up to 4 or 5 drinks, and see what happens. Obviously, if something bad happens (like I get really sick or something) then I'll stop. But it would really be nice to drink again.

Ok, that's it! I have to go eat breakfast. Ugg. I hate breakfast because I can never find anything I like. Breakfast food is gross. Have a great day everyone!