Oh summer...

Ugg, you guys, my summer is not going the way I want it to so far. My room still isn't fully unpacked, even though I got home three weeks ago. Here is what it looked like last week:

And here is what it looks like now:

Better, but not great. There are still crazy piles of stuff everywhere, and this doesn't even show you the mess in the bathroom! So that's annoying, and it's freaking me out. As a clean person, it makes me anxious to have such a mess. But I just have NO motivation to clean it! I don't understand! It's like finishing college made me lose my motivation for anything.

Speaking of college, I am officially a college graduate! I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, departmental honors and summa cum laude :) It was really sad to leave all my friends behind, but I am glad to be moving forward with my life. I loved my school while I was there, but I needed to leave. Luckily, some of my friends live in Oregon or St. Louis, so I will see them again! Speaking of St. Louis, I leave for graduate school on August 17th! Orientation starts August 20th and classes start August 28th. I'm super pumped. I also have an apartment and a roommate! Her name is Chloe (not her real name, for privacy reasons) and she is 25. She will also be a 1st year student in the social work program. She has a deposit on a great apartment that is a 20 minute walk from campus, 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, washer and dryer in the unit. The price is decent, and my parents are helping, so we can make it work. I'm super excited to start my new life in St. Louis! 2.5 months, baby.

I haven't started my summer job yet, but I will be working at the science museum that I worked at last summer. I start June 18th, and I'm doing aftercare again. I will work 12-6 pm every day. I hope that this is the summer that I will finally prove that I am an adult, that I can control my emotions around the kids, and that I can make a good impression on my supervisors. Man, I am not cut out for working with kids...

Food and body image sucks. I can't seem to get my chocolate consumption under control. I'm still at my highest weight ever, and it sucks balls. I really dislike my body, and because of that, I have wanted to hurt myself for the first time since I stopped taking my meds. Not cool! Of course, it was a very small urge and I didn't act on it. I just really want to be healthier, but I'm having a hard time doing it. I'm tired of being fat and lazy, and I just want to be a normal person.

Finally, the last big thing happening in my life is that my cat is sick :( Her name is Meg, and she and her sister Ginny are my kitties. They grew up in my room, and I am their mommy. She started losing a lot of weight in the last few weeks, and I didn't notice right away, because I just figured that I was making it up. But my dad noticed this weekend, and we took her to the vet on Monday. A few years ago, she weighed 11 pounds, and now she weighs 8 pounds (or she did on Monday). We found out from the vet that she had a fever, she was really dehydrated, and her kidneys were swollen and lumpy. They took blood and urine samples, and found that she has a bladder infection. However, they don't think that this is the cause of her weight loss. They gave us some oral antibiotics, which made her throw up, so they had to give her an antibiotic shot. Tomorrow, if she is not significantly better, she may need an ultrasound to figure out what's wrong with her kidneys. I am taking her in first thing in the morning so they can assess her and give her IV fluids. I am super worried that she won't be much better, and my parents don't want to pay for the ultrasound. I don't want my kitty to die!! I am praying that she gets a lot better overnight and the antibiotic shot will fix her. She seems a little perkier already, and she ate food and drank water without throwing up tonight. I'll let you know what happens. Here are some cute pictures of her:

She is so cute! I love her so much <3

Last thing: my friend is doing okay (you know, from the last post). Of course, suicidality doesn't just go away, so I am still praying for her, and I encourage you to do the same. She is an amazing person, and I definitely want to see her live :)

What is a binge, really?

Hey ya'll. So I didn't end up going to the gym on Thursday night. When I finished blogging, I realized that the headache I had was really the beginnings of a migraine. So I took a migraine pill and watched TV until I was tired enough to sleep. I did work out yesterday though. I tried the stairmaster, which is an evil, evil machine. I could only stay on for eight minutes before I died. I also went today and swam. I did a whole 300 yards (12 laps) without stopping! Last time I swam, I could only do half that. So yay! I am super wiped out now though.

So I was thinking earlier today about the concept of bingeing. When I was a bulimic (in high school), my binges were pretty standard for the DSM definition. I would eat a ridiculous amount of food in one sitting (i.e. whole quart of ice cream, a box of cereal, and a pan of brownies) and then purge (or use laxatives, or fast, or whatever). But when I had my relapse last spring, a binge for me was quite different. If I hadn't been eating much that day, a binge would be if I ate too much corn at dinner, or if I had over 300 calories in one sitting, or if I ate chocolate. It's interesting how the concept of bingeing is so different at different times.

I was thinking about this because, as you might have noticed, I have a thing on the side of my blog page that says how long it's been since I last binged. Right now it's at 10 months. And sometimes I feel guilty, because I feel like I have been bingeing, yet the binge counter is staying at 10 months. But then I realized today that I haven't been bingeing at all. When I would binge in high school, I would feel completely out of control, like I couldn't stop eating. I would eat to feel better, to reward myself for something, any excuse. And I would feel incredibly guilty afterwards. Sometimes now, I eat more than I should. But there is no component of feeling out of control or feeling guilty. And that's how I know that it's not really a binge. So if I eat a whole bag of Cheetos, it wasn't a binge; I should just really watch how many Cheetos I'm eating next time.

Memory, all alone in the moonlight...

I was searching everywhere today for this notebook that my sister gave me a while ago, and on the way, I took a trip down memory lane. Among other things, I read the three journals that I kept while I was deep in my eating disorder in high school. Basically they are from 2005, 2006, and 2007. A bit of 2008 too. While most of it was horribly depressing, it also reminds me how far I've come. I don't think about that much.

One of the journals is from when I first went into recovery in early 2007. I wasn't super committed to recovery then. I wanted so badly to stop the bingeing, purging, fasting, laxatives cycle, but I didn't want to be healthy either. I still really, really wanted to lose weight. Half my journal entries were about how I wanted to eat healthier but was terrified to get fat. And about every other journal entry was a new food plan. I was OBSESSED with food plans. I never make food plans now, because they don't work for me. But then, I made them all the time. The entries usually went like this:

• Week 1- I'm doing so great! I'm not using my ED behaviors and I feel like my body is ok today.
• Week 2- I think I need to be healthier. Here is this food plan that cuts out the unhealthy things (chocolate, soda, fat, carbs, everything nutritious, etc.) that I feel are holding me back from recovery. 
• Week 3- I'm relapsing! Oh no! I'd better talk to my therapist or something. 
• Weeks 4 through 6- Repeat first three weeks. 

It was actually kind of sad to read about, because I never saw the pattern when it was happening. That's always how it is, isn't it?

But these journals remind me how much healthier I am now than I was then. And how much healthier I am than I was in August, or December. I don't think I'm horribly fat all the time. I actually appreciate my curves. I am not making food plans every other week. I think I'm beautiful and sexy. I don't go on crazy binges, and I don't fast for days at a time. I don't feel guilty when I eat chocolate.

I also don't want to die. One of the most striking things from one of the journals was my suicide plan. I think it was October of 2006. I made a pros and cons list of killing myself (isn't that just like me? I always make pros and cons lists about EVERYTHING). But this reminds me that I don't want to go back to that. I am always incredibly unhappy when I'm in my disorder. Every time I have relapsed, I have wanted to die. Not right away, because I lose weight at first. But once it starts getting out of control and I start hating myself more, then I want to kill myself. When my ED and my cutting peaked in 2006, I hated myself intensely. I was never happy for more than a few minutes. My self worth was completely dependent on my food intake and how much weight I was losing. I am so glad that I am less like that now. I am so glad that I can look back and see my mistakes, and hopefully not repeat them.

Anyway, that's enough of that. Home is good. I have twenty million doctor appointments this week. Eye doctor, podiatrist (foot doctor), physical therapy. Other than that, I will just be chilling and trying to make friends. Have a good Monday everyone!

Omnomnomnom

Sorry it's been so long, I've been basking in winter break glory :)
All I've really been doing is going to appointments, knitting, and watching TV. SO MANY APPOINTMENTS. I'm seeing my counselor, a prescriber for new medication, a physical therapist, and I saw a doctor a few times too. My prescriber gave me Lamictal about three weeks ago, and it's working great. I'm only at 50 mg right now, and I'll probably work up to a higher dose (I see her again tomorrow). The only thing is that it doesn't help with my anxiety AT ALL, so I'm still really anxious about everything. But I'm going to ask her about that tomorrow. My therapist wrote a letter to my college and is sending it tomorrow, and so it should work out that I'm coming back to campus on Sunday. Break seems so short now!

I've been busy knitting twenty-million things (literally) and applying for summer internships. There's this really cool one with the American Psychological Association that I REALLYREALLYREALLY want. It's in D.C. and they house you and pay you and you get to do research with top psychology researchers! WANT WANT WANT. However, I think that the rest of the country wants it too, so we'll see how that goes.

Here are some pretty pictures of my knitting:

 Bookmark for my gramma  for Christmas.

 Lace scarf for a professor. 

My eating has been less that stellar. I think being home makes me more disordered than when I'm at school (generally). I think I feel unsafe here, in terms of food. I never know when we're eating (my parents eat really late for dinner, and it drives me nuts), because there isn't a set dinner time. I also feel guilty spending money on food for lunch and breakfast, so then I only end up getting snacks and feeling guilty for spending money on them. I honestly can't wait to get back to school, where I have control over when I eat and what I eat, and there are set mealtimes. The food at school sucks, but at least it's consistent. Anyhoo, all of this food-insecurity has led to a lot of chocolate and sugar consumption. I really need to stop eating chocolate so much.

Another thing that is making me nervous is the fact that I'm back to the weight I was when I started college. I got down to 170 when I was relapsing this summer, and now I'm at 220 again. Uuuuuggggg.... this is the weight that I can't stand. Aside from not particularly liking my body at this weight, I just feel gross. So it's gotta go.

With that, here are my goals for the coming semester:
- Exercise for 30 minutes, at least 2x per week (if I set the goal higher, I won't do it, I know myself).
- Stop drinking soda, even diet soda, except when eating out.
- Only one dessert per day (pick lunch or dinner, NOT both).
- Be healthy in general. No cutting, no drinking, no drugs, no ED behaviors.
- Reach out to friends if I feel down or like I want to engage in unhealthy behaviors.
- Spend more time with friends in general (i.e. have a study party instead of studying alone, or call a friend when I have some downtime and hang with them instead of by myself).

I know those are a lot of goals, but that's how my semester should go. I just want it to be a happy, healthy semester. I am taking a normal amount of classes and one of them is apparently a joke class. I only have one job instead of three, and that job only requires answering the phone a few times per shift (otherwise, I just do my homework or chill). I'm going to be inactive in my sorority so that I don't have to deal with all the drama and can just focus on myself. I'm not going to do anything intense with clubs on campus; I'll probably just stick with Christian Fellowship meetings, and that's it. Basically, it should be a chill semester.

I have found a new therapist at school, whose office is three blocks from campus. I'm seeing her Monday, and I've heard she's really good, so I'm hopeful. I'm going to continue to see my prescriber through Skype, so we can get my meds all straightened out.

Well, that's about it. I'll keep you all updated on life at school and how my goals are going :) Love you all!

Recovery

I have decided to get better. I know that yesterday I said that I didn't want to, but I think that it's the best decision for me now. Here is why:

- I can't concentrate when I'm using my ED symptoms. It affects my work and my school work. And I care more about my grades than being skinny.
- I have WAAAAY less sex drive when I'm using my symptoms, and it makes my romantic relationship with my bf suffer. And that makes our relationship suffer generally, which is bad.
- I have a hard time focusing on my other personal relationships when I'm starving/bingeing because I'm consumed with thinking about my ED and how fat I am, and therefore I isolate myself and have no friends.
- I lie all the time when I'm using my symptoms, and it makes me feel like crap because I'm deceiving those closest to me.
- I hate myself all the time when I'm using my symptoms, and that makes it hard to love anyone else  (like my bf).
- I am really moody and my mood depends upon my weight and how my diet is going. That makes me seem like a crazy person to my friends and family.
- My ED is fucking up my body. I really want to have kids some day and be healthy when I'm old. That's not as possible when I'm starving myself and destroying my organs.

The only things that my ED has done for me are:
a) Helped me organize and control my life
b) Helped me lose weight

So therefore, I need to get better. I want to have a life outside of my ED, and that's really hard right now. I want to enjoy life, to love my boyfriend, to do well in school, and to have children someday.

I will still post on here, but this will become a recovery blog rather than a pro-ED blog. I hope you guys will still follow me and comment, but I obviously understand if you don't want to anymore. I love you guys, and I won't encourage you to recover if you don't want to. I completely understand what you're doing (obviously, since I've done it too), and I know that most of you know that it's unhealthy. I just hope you're careful and don't end up dead :)

Stay strong everyone <3

*insert inappropriate string of swear words here*

This weekend has been shit, but fortunately I've only gained four pounds. I was 178 this morning, up from 174 on Thursday. I can't believe that I fucked up again. How do I let this happen? Obviously something I'm doing is NOT working and something has to change for my life to work. I have a new plan; here it is:

I will eat something small (under 100 calories) for breakfast, like yogurt or fruit or egg whites. At work, I will try not to eat anything. However, if there is something that I want to eat at work, I will allow myself one serving of whatever it is. For example, if there are donuts, I will eat one. If there is candy, I will have a piece. That way, I don't feel like I'm depriving myself, but I'm not eating too much. 
When my boyfriend comes home in two weeks, I will eat a small lunch (under 300 calories) so that he thinks I'm eating. Finally, I will eat a small dinner (under 300 calories) so that people think I'm eating. Mostly salad, hopefully. 

The total calories should be under 800 per day, which should be enough to lose a good amount of weight per week. I'm not going to push it, because when I get too extreme, I binge. THIS WILL WORK. I hope. Wish me luck!

I thought long and hard about recovery this week, and decided against it. The deciding factor was really a conversation that I had with Robin on Friday night/Saturday morning. We were talking about what we would do when we if we woke up today and had the perfect body and knew what we had to do to keep it. I said that I wouldn't be able to do it, because I would still be using my ED as a coping mechanism even if I had the body I wanted. My ED isn't about my body; it's about my life. I use food as a way to deal with the stresses in my life. I have a lot of anxiety, probably Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I have very low self-esteem. Robin asked me why I didn't want to figure out other ways to deal with my anxiety and depression, and I realized that I just am not ready to let go of my ED. Even when I was "in recovery" before my relapse, I was still engaging in ED behaviors. I never really let go of it, even though I thought I did. And I'm still not ready to, therefore I can't recover just yet. But maybe someday I'll have the courage to let go of these behaviors and get better. I hope.

 I just want you guys to know that I love you :) You're the best friends I have. Thanks so much for being here for me! Stay strong <3

NEW PLAN

This is the new plan. It will work.

- Breakfast: Fiber One yogurt (50) or Sugar-free Carnation Instant Breakfast (60)
- Lunch: None (0) or Green Giant broccoli and cheese tray (40)
- Dinner: Salad (50) and whatever else I'm forced to eat (200)
Total calories: 300-350

I will exercise at least 3 times a week. I will not be alone in the house (because then I binge). If I am left alone, I will go out and shop (motivation to lose weight, because I can't fit into anything). I will stay at work as long as possible each night, so as to avoid being at home too much.

When I go back to school on August 21st, here is the plan:
- Breakfast: 4 strawberries (16)
- Lunch: Salad (100)
- Dinner: Salad (100) and whatever else I'm forced to eat
Calories: Maximum 400

I have to lose 70 pounds by December 1st, which is 4 pounds per week. Totally doable! Of course, this assumes that I'm 175 pounds right now... which I'm probably not. This morning I was 179, and I binged again. But I just need to get to 171 by next Monday, and I'll be back on track.

WE CAN DO THIS. Who's with me??

Well, it couldn't last forever...

Waz up?? How are you all doing? I hope you're doing better than me. I was down to 174 this morning (only 0.8 pounds lost, but oh well). Unfortunately I blew it and binged/purged butter pecan ice cream this afternoon. I definitely got it all out, because after I finished puking all the cold, white goo into the toilet, I started puking up granola chunks that were soaked in Diet Sierra Mist (which is what I ate before I binged). I purged immediately after eating (so immediately that it was still cold when it came back up, wow...), so I probably got it all. But still, I'm crazy so I just want to be sure.

However, after my binge/purge this afternoon, instead of trying to salvage my day I ate a whole bunch for dinner at the moms' house... so I'm thinking that I had around 1500 to 2000 calories for the day :( Why am I so weak?? I will try to fast tomorrow, at least until dinner time. I may need to eat dinner with the moms tomorrow, but I'm sure I can eat lightly.

I am staying at the other moms' house this week (starting tonight). Normally I'd be thrilled that I could be alone, but I always binge like crazy in this house. I am terrified that I will mess up all the hard work I've done in the last week. I definitely already gained from what I ate today :( God, why the hell am I so weak???

I hate myself.

Getting a scale today!

I'm getting a new scale today, because I'm tired of not being able to weigh myself. I thought about getting some diet pills too, but I'm aways afraid that I won't be able to lose weight without them if I stopped taking them. So I think I won't get any.

I ended up eating a lot yesterday at 6 Flags, which is unfortunate. But I also sat in the car for 10 hours (burning 1,569 calories) and walked around for 7 hours (burning 1,648 calories). Plus I sweated up a storm! So hopefully there isn't too much damage. But I had a ton of fun! 6 Flags is awesome. Unfortunately, my feet hurt a ton all day (because of my Achilles tendinitis and plantar fasciitis), so I couldn't ride as many rides as I wanted to.

But anyway, here is what I've eaten so far today/plan to eat:
- Breakfast: None (sleeping)
- Lunch (already eaten): 4 pancakes (180)
- Dinner (not eaten yet): None (I'm planning on telling one family that I'm eating with the other family, and vice versa, thereby skipping dinner altogether)
Total planned calories: 180

I texted Robin all yesterday. Robin, I just want to say that you are awesome! Thanks for being there to support me.

I have a goal that I want to meet. I am probably around 180 right now, so I want to be 150 by August 23rd (the day of school registration). That requires that I lose 5 pounds per week between now and then, which is completely doable. Especially since I usually lose 10 pounds in the week after a binge (like next week). So then I'd be ahead of schedule! Let's hope that happens. Between now and August 23rd, I will eat under 500 calories per day. NO EXCUSES. There will be no fuck ups. None. Zip. Nada.

LET'S DO THIS. Game on.

Still not doing well...

WHY??? Why can't I just do well, for once??? So frustrated!

I binged on s'mores (1300 calories), and purged about half of it. So I'd say I kept 700 calories in me. I would have purged more, but I didn't drink any water during my binge, so after a few purges I couldn't get anything up anymore. And then my bf's parents came home, so that was the end of that.

I work at a counseling clinic, and today I was unmotivated to work so I diagnosed myself. Here it is:

Axis I:      300.02     Generalized Anxiety Disorder
                311          Depressive Disorder- NOS
                307.5       Eating Disorder- NOS
Axis II:                     Deferred
Axis III:                   Chronic Achilles tendinitis
Axis IV:                   Moderate stressors
Axis V:                    Current GAF = 55

To decifer this for you:
Axis I is pretty obvious- I have Generalized Anxiety, depression, and EDNOS.
Axis II is for personality disorders and mental retardation, which I don't think I have.
Axis III is for general medical conditions. I have chronic Achilles tendinitis from being a dancer, and it makes it hard for me to function in daily life. For example, I can't do any exercise besides biking, swimming, and occasionally the elliptical machine. I can't stand up for long periods of time, so I can't go shopping or hiking. Basically, it sucks.
Axis IV is psychosocial and environmental factors, such as problems with the primary support system, problems with social environment, educational problems, housing problems, economic problems, occupational difficulties, legal difficulties, and transportation difficulties. I don't have enough of an understanding of Axis IV to fully diagnose myself, but I'd say that I have moderate stressors, especially in the social environment area.
Finally, Axis V is the GAF: Global Assessment of Functioning. Scores range from 1 to 100. 1 to 10 means persistent danger of hurting self or others OR persistent inability to maintain minimal personal hygiene OR serious suicidal act with clear expectation of death. 51 to 60 means moderate symptoms OR moderate difficulty in social, occupational, or school functioning. 100 means you function perfectly and don't need any therapy at all. I'd say that I'm about 55, but I can't tell without the actual scale. And trust me, I tried to get the scale, but it is not available.

So, there it is. Those are my self-diagnoses. As I am a psychology major, I feel that these diagnoses are pretty accurate. I bet you $10 that once I actually see a shrink, these will be my diagnoses, lol.

Well, let's hope that tomorrow is better than the last few days have been! Love you skinnies :)

*** EDIT ****
Just did the stationary bike for 45 minutes, plus 200 crunches, 20 jumping jacks, 10 push-ups, and 5 minutes of free weights. Burned 564 calories according to Livestrong.com! That counteracts my binge a bit, so I'm happy again :) Stay strong lovelies!

Need to be 175

I will not be posting again until I am 175 pounds. I need this. I can't keep fucking up like this!
My boyfriend is leaving on Saturday, so I can finally start restricting like I want to. I will update you again when I am 175.

Speaking of my boyfriend, I found a poem on his computer about me this morning. It was from January, and it was about how much I annoyed him (basically) and how he couldn't wait to see his friend Sara again because she didn't pester him. I confronted him about it, despite the fact that I shouldn't have been snooping around on his computer in the first place. He said, rightfully, that those were feelings that he had briefly at that time, but now he didn't feel that way anymore.
I asked him where he saw this relationship going. He said that he wasn't sure what would happen when he studied abroad in Japan in the spring, and that it could change our relationship, so he wasn't sure. Fuck me. We've been in a relationship for almost two years... how can he not see us together in a year? Like, what? Am I wasting my time?

On the drive back from the cabin this afternoon, I went over the pros and cons of our relationship in my head.
Pros:
- I love him.
- I love being with him.
- I like his parents.
- He makes me feel special, beautiful, loved, safe.

Cons: 
- He is practically in love with his 14-year-old friend Sara. Will he cheat in the future?
- I feel like I'm always working really hard to make him happy, but I'm always apologizing for my behavior towards him. It's never good enough (this isn't necessarily his fault, because I just have an anger problem that I am constantly working on).
- He can't carry on a conversation very well- who do I talk to??

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to break up with him, but I don't know if staying together is the best thing for both of us. It's stressful for me to be with him because he makes me crazy and I have to not yell at him. It's stressful for him to be with me because I am crazy and yell at him. I am also not mentally sound (obviously, with this ED and my depression, not to mention my possible anxiety disorder...), so is it best for me to be in a serious relationship right now?

I want to be with him. But I don't want to hurt him or me. I love him, and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. But he doesn't see that... maybe it's because he's a man, and he just can see that far. Maybe it's because we aren't meant to be together. I don't know... I think I'll ride out the summer, and possibly the fall semester of the school year, and then see what happens.

Part of me wonders what it would be like to be single again... I could get drunk on the weekends and go out dancing and hook up with people. I've never had the urge to do that until the end of last semester. I could live alone (he lives with me at school), eat what and when I wanted, do what I want when I want to do it. I wouldn't have to put up with his friends (not that they are that bad, but I don't really like them).

This post is so all over the place. Sorry. I'll post again when I'm 175. Bye :)

Failure and Picture

I've decided it's time for a picture. This picture is from a sorority event. So here I am, in my full and fat glory. In this picture, I'm probably about 175 or 180 pounds.

**Picture deleted for privacy**

My eating has been out of control these past few days... It doesn't help that a) I'm on my period and b) I'm at my parent's house so it's difficult to restrict anyway. I just gave up on Wednesday, because it was just too hard. I'm a loser.

Starting on Sunday, I'm going to be good again. There should be no interruptions (like trips or holidays) that will ruin my diet again until school starts in August. I WILL LOSE 40 POUNDS!!!!

Love you all :)

Not a good day

Hey girls. I didn't do as well today :( I had a little binge this afternoon. This is why you can't leave me alone with food! I need to be busy at all times, or else I eat. Luckily, I will be really busy for the rest of the week, so it will be ok.

Tomorrow night I'm having dinner with my whole family and my grandma at Olive Garden for my birthday. My birthday isn't actually until Saturday, but my sister is leaving for Canada on Thursday and she wants to be there for the birthday dinner. We are celebrating my boyfriend's birthday too, since his is on Monday. I'm turning 20 :) I wish it was 21 though! I can't wait until I'm legal...

Tomorrow my boyfriend and I are going to the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry for the day to check out the new exhibits and see a movie. I also have an eye doctor appointment. On Thursday my boyfriend and I are going to see Multnomah Falls in the Columbia River Gorge (it's this beautiful waterfall). And on Friday we are going to the Ape Caves, which is a lava tube that was created when Mount Saint Helens erupted a long time ago. So I should be pretty much busy all day until I leave on Saturday morning. Thank goodness! I can't wait to get back to work and have a more normal eating schedule.

That's all I've got. I hope tomorrow goes better...

10 pounds in one week

Today was fun :) I woke up this morning and was 175! So I've lost 10 pounds in the last week... wow.

I went to the DMV this morning and got a temporary license, so now I can finally start driving legally! If you're wondering why I was driving illegally, it's because I lost my license over spring break and haven't been home to get a new one since then.

After I got my license, I met up with an old friend to have lunch. We went to Olive Garden, and then to Starbucks. Since then, I've been watching TV and surfing the web. Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: Light yogurt (110)

- Lunch: Minestrone soup (100), salad (100), and unsweetened black iced tea (0)

- Snack: Sugar-free jell-O (20) and Fiber One cereal (120)

- Dinner: Lasagna (300)

Total calories: 750

I had too much Fiber One for a snack. I got hungry and bored, and just got carried away. I'm annoyed with myself. I am really bad at sticking to my diet plan when a) I'm at home and b) when I'm not busy. I've been sitting around for the last part of today, and that's when I slipped up. Well, I'm sorry. I think that this week my goal should be to just maintain my weight. I'd love to stay at 175. I don't know if I can lose weight when I'm eating my dad's cooking all the time and eating over 600-800 calories per day. Uggg.....

I hope everyone is doing well! Here's another question for you: When do you slip up? What makes you tempted to slip up or makes you slip up?

Purge

*****This is not me. I just really like the picture. I wish it was me!
Hey guys! Today was alright. I woke up at 6:30 am to go to my sister's swimming thing, which turned out to be not that exciting. And I was so cold the whole time! It was really cold and windy, and we were outside in the wind for 5 hours. But I guess I was burning calories because I was cold!

I ate kind of crappy today.

- Breakfast: 1 current scone (250)

- Lunch: 1/2 cup Fiber One cereal (60)

- Dinner: Lasagna (500)

Total calories: 810

Fortunately, I had the opportunity to purge the lasagna after I ate it, and I got most of it.

Weight this morning: 175.6 (down 1.4 pounds from yesterday!)

Weight before dinner: 175.6

Weight after dinner: 178.8

Weight after purging: 176.6

So I mostly got it. I got worried that someone would hear my purging, even though I had the fan on and the faucet running. I was trying to be really quiet. I almost gave up after nothing came up after three tries, but I washed my hands and tried again. Thank goodness, because then everything started coming up magically! I know, I know, purging is bad. But I had to do it! I am losing weight really rapidly, and I don't want that to stop.

Seriously, I have lost 9.4 pounds since Monday! If I lose more than 0.4 pounds by tomorrow, I will have lost more than 10 pounds in a week! WOW. It took me three or four weeks to gain it, but one week to lose it again. Isn't that supposed to be the other way? Aren't you supposed to gain quickly but lose slowly? Whatever. I'm happy with the loss, and I hope it isn't reversed because of the lasagna.

Well, I have a question for you guys. What is the most weight you have lost in a week before? How about a month?

Think thin! See you tomorrow :)

New Plan!

Ok, so here is my plan for the next eight months:

Monday, May 17th-Friday, May 21st: The week before my trip home

- Stay under 800 calories

- Minimal eating, but look normal

Saturday, May 22nd-Saturday, May 29th: My trip home to Oregon

- Stay under 800 calories

My parents will know if I'm restricting too much, because they've seen me do it before, so I have to be careful.

Sunday, May 30th-Friday, June 11th: The 2 weeks before my bf leaves

- Stay under 500 calories

- Avoid eating with people, look normal

Saturday, June 12th-Friday, August 8th: My bf is gone during this time

- Stay as low as possible (500 cals max)

- Skip lunch, avoid dinner

Saturday, August 9th-Friday, August 20th: Time before I go back to school

- Stay under 500 calories

- Restrict, look normal

Saturday, August 21st-Wednesday, December 15th: Fall 2010 semester

- Stay as low as possible

- No lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays

I hope this works out. I'm tired of being a fat pig, and I want to lose weight. I must be thin!

I hope you are all doing well. Stay strong!

Couldn't Do It!

Ok, I couldn't do it. I can't leave you guys for a whole week! I admit it, I started reading your blogs again on Tuesday. I only made it three days. I have thought about recovery a lot this week (ok, the past four days, lol), and this is what I came up with. First, I made two food plans - one for restricting and one for recovery:

Restricting Plan:

- Breakfast: 4 strawberries (16 calories)

- Lunch: 1/2 cup Fiber One cereal (60), sugar-free Jell-O (10), string cheese (50), and 14 carrots (35)

- Dinner: 2 cups of salad mix (15) and 10 sprays of Wishbone Italian Vinaigrette dressing

If necessary, eat sugar free Jell-O and/or Fiber One cereal for a snack, and 100-200 calories of whatever food is being served.

Total calories: 474 calories maximum (with snacks and extra dinner)

Recovery Plan:

- Breakfast: Cheerios with skim milk (145)

- Lunch: Vegetarian burrito (fat-free refried beans, salsa, cheese, sour cream) (310)

- Dinner: Whatever is served, and skim milk (450 calories max)

Total calories: 1,025 calories

This isn't a lot of calories because I still want to lose weight, but maybe in the healthy way instead. This also leave room for snacks and cheating (ice cream, etc).

Both plans are tempting, and I kept going back and forth between them. Then I made pro/con lists of recovery and restricting, and I've italicized the important pros/cons:

Recovery Pros:

- Get my health back

- Feel happier

- Get to eat whatever I want

- People won't worry about my eating habits

Recovery Cons:

- Turn into a big binge

- Gain all the weight back

- Not know how to lose weight any other way

- Feel out of control

- Turn to other methods of control (cutting, etc)

Restricting Pros:

- Get thinner, and fast!

- Only way I know how to get thin

- Compliments from others

- Feel in control, superior, powerful

- Feel great to get skinnier

Restricting Cons:

- Not healthy for body and mind

- People worried about eating habits

- Hungry all the time

- Have to resist foods I love

- Uncomfortable a lot (because of laxatives, feeling dizzy, etc)

In the end, there were more important pros for restricting and cons for recovery. So starting on Sunday or Monday (don't know which one yet), I will start restricting again. I weighed myself on Sunday, and I was 180 lbs. That's actually pretty impressive, because I've basically been eating normally for three weeks, and have only gained five pounds. Not too horrible.

Well, this post is long enough. I'm glad to be posting again! Love you girls :)

Ugggggggg

I'm doing alright. I'm thinking about starting to restrict tomorrow instead of Monday. Ugg, I hate being a fatty. I probably had about 1800 calories today, which is soooo many. I hate me.

I've just been sitting around too. I have been watching TV and playing Monopoly all day. Literally. I feel like such a piggy, lazy fat-ass.

I will post more when I a) know my weight, or b) have started restricting again. Love you all :)

Changing My Mind?

I'm debating whether or not to tell my boyfriend that I have been struggling with my food issues. In one way, I do want to tell him because then he will know why I've been so weird lately, and he will stop worrying about my eating habits. But in another way, I want to go back to starving as soon as he is gone. He leaves for a summer language program at our college on June 12th, and after that I can basically do whatever I want. Right now, we are together constantly. I do literally everything in his presence. We even shower together. The only thing I don't do with him in the room is pee. That is it. So when he leaves on June 12th, I am basically free. No one will watch me eat, except for at dinner. Even then, sometimes I won't have to eat with his family, because about half the time they are too busy to eat together. I could skip breakfast and lunch every day, and no one would notice. How can I pass up that opportunity?

I guess the goal between now and then is to not gain too much weight. I could change my mind about this, but right this moment, that's what I want. I mean, obviously, I have changed my mind about complete recovery since yesterday. I mean, God, how do I manage to live day to day with all of these conflicting ideas? Oh right, I don't. That's why I starve myself, binge and purge, everything else. To control my crazy thoughts. When I have something to concentrate on besides my crazy, like food, then I don't feel so crazy. But today, I was crazy. This week, I've been crazy. It must stop. Maybe I should not wait to start restricting until June 12th. I should start restricting ASAP. Not tomorrow, but maybe Monday. I start working on Tuesday, and that will make it easier as well, because no one watches me at work.

God, I am such a spaz. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so conflicted? Why am I so fucked up? Do you guys have any advice or explanations?

I am so sorry about all these crazy, crazy posts. I just feel so confused. And I feel like I'm being shunned for even suggesting that I might recover. People who normally comment on my blog every time (i.e. Charr, OhMyGosh, etc.) did not comment on the last one. Madison left a weird comment that made me feel even more conflicted about this. I'm sorry?

Whatever, I have got to stop writing. I'm driving myself nuts. Love you all :)

For the next few days...

Hi guys :) So for the next few days, probably until Tuesday, I will be eating like a normal person. I know, it seems hard to believe that this is possible. I just can't focus on my exams when I'm constantly thinking about food, or berating myself for a binge, or whatever. So in order to not fail out of college, I will eat. Just until Tuesday, and then it's back to starving. I am not counting calories, because I will want to kill myself. I will not weigh myself until Wednesday, and then I will lose all the weight I've gained back. As long as I don't let it turn into a four-day binge, I shouldn't gain too much.

I got weighed at the doctor's office yesterday and I was 179, but I really needed to pee, was fully clothed, and had just eaten lunch. So it wasn't a completely accurate number. After doing my exam (annual gyno exam, yay fun) the doctor asked me, was my diet and exercise was going alright? Do I exercise? Yes, of course I exer

cise. I love it when doctors imply that you are fat without actually saying it. It was not her job to ask my those questions, but she did anyway. Like she felt justified because she had just looked in my vagina. Right.

I want to kill myself slightly less than on Wednesday, which is good. I think that eating normally for a few days will be good for me, because then I won't get really stressed and binge and hate myself.

Well, sorry I can't be more inspiring. I'll inspire you all starting again on Tuesday, when I will start to shed all the weight I gain over the next few days. Think thin!