Sorry!

Welp. It's been six months... oops. I have no excuses, except that I just forget that this blog exists sometimes! But here's are the highlights from the last six months:

• Finished up my internship at the community mental health center. I tried to get a job there, but no luck.
• Finished my final semester of grad school in May and officially became a Master of Social Work! 
• Took my first licensure exam and am now a Licensed Master of Social Work.
• Applied to 55 jobs (no joke), had five interviews, and got three job offers.
• Accepted a position at a substance abuse treatment center in St. Louis, Missouri as a counselor/insurance reimbursement specialist! 
• Started my job in the middle of June, so I'm almost 2 months in at this point. I have six individual clients. I also lead two therapy groups. And I check insurance benefits and get treatment authorized for clients in the inpatient program. Pretty cool! 
• Got approved to start working on my supervised work hours that go toward my clinical license. So in 2 years, I can take another exam and be a License Clinical Social Worker.
• Signed a lease for a one bedroom apartment and I'm moving in a week! YAY! 
• Still doing personal therapy. Working on my sexual abuse, which is super great (not). 
• Haven't self-harmed in almost a year! It will be a year on August 22. It's a very strange feeling. 
• Basically, things are pretty great :)

As you can see, I've been a little busy, so maybe that's an excuse for not posting for six months. Maybe. But I wanted you guys to know that I haven't abandoned you! I miss writing this blog and reading your blogs. I will try to be more diligent about it, but I can't promised anything. Thanks for reading! 

Here's a quick picture of me. I don't do this very often, and I'll probably take it down, but enjoy it while it lasts! This is from graduation day :)

HELLO!

Hi! Wow, it's only been like two weeks since my last post - AMAZING! :)

So here's the scoop. I just started seeing my new substance abuse clients. I have five total now, but I've only seen two so far. Let me just say, it is SO DIFFERENT working with men than women. Up till now, all my clients have been women. And this man that I saw on Tuesday was suuuuper awkward. It was like pulling teeth to get him to talk. And then I think he felt awkward because we were talking about his multiple girlfriends (who don't know about each other...) and I think that he thought that I was judging him. Which I wasn't. But whatever. The other different thing about substance abuse clients is that many of them are on probation/parole, so I have to do extra paperwork and send reports to their probation/parole officers. Weird! And I might have to learn how to administer urine analysis tests. Ew.

Other than my new clients, things are okay. On Friday it'll be six months of no self-harm. Weird. Therapy is going well. We've just started talking about my sexual assault, so that kinda sucks. But I think that if we avoided the subject, then I'd just avoid it forever, and that's not helpful. I need to process this stuff so that I can be a better counselor and a better romantic partner and a better person.

UGGGGGGGGG I'm just so tired! I've been applying for jobs and stuff, and that's really exhausting. Yuck. I'll let you know if I get an interview or anything though! That would be awesome.

Love you all! :)

fgerjhgkh4roihysdg

So I pretty much fail at blogging! It's been like three months... I'm sorry! I've been crazy busy, and then I just didn't feel like it. So really, no excuses. I should start blogging daily again. That would be good.

Since my last post:

• Lost all my clients but one.
• Gained a client (so now I have two clients).
• Trying not to take it personally that all my clients quit (well, some of them didn't need therapy or didn't know what therapy was, so not my fault).
• Am about to start taking substance abuse clients! So maybe 5 or 6 new clients in the near future! 
• Still seeing my awesome counselor, working on my self-worth issues. Apparently, I don't value myself or my life. I think I knew that, but I didn't know it was so bad. Guess I was just fooling myself. 
• Haven't self-harmed in 5 months and 1 week! Sometimes, I am happy about that. And sometimes, I hate it and just want to self-harm again.
• Finished fall semester and began my FINAL semester of grad school!! I graduate officially on May 16th. I will officially be an MSW (Master's of Social Work) and hopefully an LMSW (Licensed Master's of Social Work -- need to take an exam for that one). 
• About 2.5 weeks ago, two of my close friends from college were killed in a traffic accident in northern Wisconsin. So basically, my world has come crashing down and everything sucks. I'm a little depressed, obviously. 
• But other than that, things are going surprisingly well with my mental health. 
• I'm worried that I have breast cancer. I know that Google is not a doctor, but Google says I have cancer. I think it's a legit concern, so I'm going to the doctor soon. Trying not to freak out.

I miss you guys! I'll try to write more often <3 div="">

Hmm

So it's been like 2.5 months since my last post. Sorry! I guess things got a little crazier than I thought. I started my fall classes at the end of August, and I was training all the new IT workers, so my schedule was a bit nuts. I thought it would get better, but it's just now easing up. Geez! I can't wait for winter break...

My new counselor (the one at the church counseling center) is awesome. I've been seeing her for while now, and I still really like her. I haven't self-harmed in 2 months! It's a struggle, but I'm working on it. The downside is that I've been emotionally eating more often, since I can't self-harm. Grr. I'm hoping that everything will calm down soon.

I started my new internship at the beginning of September. I'm at a community mental health agency in rural Missouri. And I started seeing clients!! I have 5 clients for individuals counseling right now. Unfortunately, most of them want appointments every two weeks, so I only have about 2 clients per week right now. I'm hoping that I can build my caseload more and have more clients soon! I know that I am getting a new client this week; she's being transferred from her case manager because she's having significant issues.

Here are the issues that my clients have:

• Client 1: Schizoaffective disorder and alcohol abuse
• Client 2: Bipolar 1 disorder and possible borderline personality disorder
• Client 3: Depression (stemming from the recent death of her daughter)
• Client 4: Depression with psychotic features (which has mostly subsided, due to great medication)
• Client 5: Severe depression, very frequent suicidal ideation, self-harm
• Possible client 6: Depression, serious self-harm, possible suicidality, possible borderline personality disorder

Sounds fun, right? Actually, I'm enjoying it. They are all super interesting, especially Client 1. She has some really cool hallucinations and delusions. I was supposed to start Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with Client 5 on Thursday, but she cancelled and didn't reschedule. I hope she comes back! I hope that I didn't scare her off.

My biggest issues right now are A) lack of confidence in my abilities as a counselor, and B) feeling strange about having the same issues as some of my clients. You have to admit, it would be a bit weird if  you are struggling with self-harm and your clients are also struggling. In fact, Client 5 has been abstaining from self-harm for longer than I have! She has 3 months and I only have 2 months. Now that's just weird.

But the good thing is that my clients are a big motivation to keep me from self-harming. Thinking about them stops me. I don't know how I would face them if I self-harmed and then had to do therapy with them. Talk about hypocritical!

Well, I'm sure I have more to say, but I'll say goodbye for now. I hope that I will be blogging more frequently in the future! :) LOVE YOU ALL!
Especially you, Peri!

Blahdeblahdeblah

(I took this picture in my friend's car. Pretty great, right?)

Again, sorry for the long hiatus. I can't seem to blog regularly, can I?

Picking up where I left off in my last post! I did end up quitting my last therapist. Ugg. So that's three therapists that I've tried and failed to click with. (Not including the two that I saw at Student Health! Am I missing something here?). But on a whim, (and with some encouragement from my psychiatrist and some friends), I started seeing another therapist. I was very skeptical of her, because she is part of a Christian counseling agency, which is based out of a church. The church is relatively conservative, and I was worried that I might be judged for my sexual orientation. But so far, things are good. I think I've seen her three or four times, and I really, really like her. Last week, she had me make a timeline of my life. Which was ridiculously intense but also very interesting. So we've been exploring that. I'm hopeful that this therapist will actually help me!

Changing the subject. So you guys know that I have migraines. Or you do now. Since starting the Wellbutrin in March, they have been getting more frequent, and I'm having about 2 per week now. Which is really annoying. I have a prescription for Imitrex, which stops them once they start. And I can usually catch them before they get too bad. But still, annoying. So I was at Student Health anyway and I asked my doctor if we could do anything to prevent my migraines. I remembered that when I was taking Lamictal in 2010/2011 for mood stabilization, that my migraines totally disappeared. Well, for some reason, he decided that Lamictal wasn't the right drug (even though it had worked in the past... so okay...) and he decided to start me on Topamax.
He didn't warn me about any side effects, and I figured that if anything was dangerous or scary, he would tell me. WRONG. The six days that I was taking Topamax, and the 5 days that it took to get it out of my system, were the worst days of my life. Seriously. Here are the side effects that I experienced (all of which are relatively common):

• Fatigue (actually, constant exhaustion, no matter how much sleep I got)
• Upset stomach, nausea, loss of appetite (resulting in me stopping eating for about a week; I'm just now eating again)
• Weight loss (I lost a significant amount of weight in a very short period of time, without trying)
• Taste changes (soda tasted like ass)
• Feeling of pins and needles in my fingertips
• Dry eyes
• Extreme thirst (I am drinking SO MUCH WATER)
• Slowed motor functioning/reaction time (which made driving a little scary)
• Cognitive and memory impairments (forgetting words, forgetting how to spell, not being able to remember a sentence long enough to write it down, feeling stupid all the time)
• Decreased attention span (aka Liz had temporary ADD)
• Anxiety and panic attacks
• Generally feeling like I was losing my mind

I have never felt so terrible in my entire life. I thought I was going to die. I felt so unlike myself. It was like I was a totally different person for 1.5 weeks! Awful. Never take this drug, if you can avoid it. It is used for migraines, seizures, and mood stabilization. 

Other than that, things are okay. Life chugs on. I finished summer classes last week, and I start my fall classes on August 27th. Yay. I am so tired of school. 

I'll try to write more later. I worked 11 hours today and I have to work again at 8am tomorrow, so I should probably sleep. Love you all! 

Meep

Welp, I have been MIA again for over a month. Oops!

So I did end up seeing another therapist. I found her through my insurances' websites and then also on the SAFE Alternatives website. I don't know if I like her. I'm about ready to give up on this therapy thing. I don't think that it's helping at all.

This month has been interesting. My depression has been a lot better, although I've struggled on and off with shame about the sexual assault and thoughts of self-harm. I did end up self-injuring last week, twice. Last week sucked, basically. I was super anxious the whole week. And here's why.

Back in March/April, I was super suicidal. I made a very specific plan for my suicide (place, method, time of day) and picked out a date. I made the date far in the future, because I was trying to give myself time to feel better. I figured, if the depression got better, then I wouldn't need the suicide date. Anyway, the date was July 1st. Yesterday. Obviously, I'm still alive. About a month after making the original plan, I caved and told a friend about it. Just telling her made me feel a lot better, and since my depression has improved a TON since then, I did not feel the need to die. Obviously. But the week leading up to July 1st was pretty stressful. I started thinking about suicide again and ended up self-harming. But it's over and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. So yay for being alive! Lol.

Moving on. I just finished my internship at the hospital. It was pretty amazing and I'm sad that it's over. I saw a ton of interesting people and interesting disorders. During the last half of the internship, I was able to see patients on my own, which was great. Especially this last month or two, I have had very little supervision, which was awesome! It made me feel like a real live social worker :) But then again, I'm glad it's over because there were some icky office politics that were getting ugly. This coworker and I got into several fights (she feels threatened by me, because I have more education than her and she is terrible at her job), and it just kept getting worse. So I'm glad that's over! Thank goodness.

That's about it! 

Craaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyy

WARNING: This post is being written on the worst day of my period (aka the day that I go crazy and emotional everywhere). Beware. This could get ugly and does not represent my normal headspace.

BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Okay, now that that's out of my system.
I quit therapy.
And now I'm questioning everything. Maybe that was a bad idea? Maybe I should try to find a different therapist? Maybe I'm beyond help and should just quit while I'm ahead?

I quit therapy because I don't like my therapist. At all. She says condescending things and doesn't understand how I think AT ALL. I thought I could deal with it, but I can't. So I cancelled my appointment with her (that was scheduled for today). I think she'll get the hint that I'm quitting. And this is weird for me! I have never quit therapy before. I have never done this before. And now I feel suuuuuuper guilty. WHHHYYYYYYYY.

Part of me thinks that I'll be fine. I have survived without therapy before, and I don't think it was working anyway. And I can always do therapy on myself, since I'm in three different therapy classes this summer. But the other part of me thinks that this is terrible and I'm screwed. I mean, how can I maintain professional sanity when I haven't worked through my shit?
Things that still need work:
- Self esteem
- Not blaming myself for the sexual assault
- Not eating my feelings (aka ice cream and chocolate when I'm upset or bored)
- Not having the urge to self-harm

These are relatively significant things. Don't worry, I haven't self-harmed at all. I just think about it sometimes. Not as much as I used to think about it. But more than I am comfortable with. I need to be a mental health professional, dammit! I can't have mental health issues myself!

So I don't know. That's what's happening in my head right now. Basically I feel guilty and freaked out and I'm waiting for this to pass.

Love you guys :)

Mrah

I feel like I apologize at the beginning of every post... but here it is again: Sorry for being MIA for two months! Oops :)

Grad school has been crazy. The semester is ending and I only have one more final exam before I'm FREEEE :) Then my summer classes start in a month, haha. But it will be nice to have a month without classes, although I'm still doing my internship and working. This summer, I am taking Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Treatment of Mental Disorders, and another class. The other class will be either Motivational Interviewing or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. But I haven't decided yet, so TBD.

My internship is still awesome. I love every minute of it. Sometimes, though, it makes me sad. These kids come into my office and are so young, and yet have so many issues already. It breaks my heart to hospitalize 5 year olds. And the teenagers are the saddest for me, especially the ones who self-injure and are suicidal. I got a really sad 14 year old girl last week, depressed and cutting her stomach every day. Usually, I can handle stuff like that. But to hear this beautiful girl tell me that she cuts herself because she feels ugly and wants her outside to match her inside... that was heartbreaking. Poor kid. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for this profession. I hope that I am. I really hope that I can do this.

The depression has been getting better. We've been upping my dose of Wellbutrin steadily for the past two months, so I'm at 200 mg right now. The physical symptoms have been getting better (concentration, sleep, fatigue), and the mental symptoms are starting to improve. I spend less time being miserable and suicidal, and more time being able to function. I have happy days. So things are good. I did cut myself several times, but that was over a month ago, and it wasn't too bad.

Overall, I'm optimistic. Life is difficult, but this will pass. I am just looking forward to Wednesday night, when my final exam is over and I'm finally done with my first year of graduate school. YAY! It's going to be awesome.

Love you guys :) Thanks for sticking with me.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Hello all, sorry for being MIA for a month and a half. Life happens, you know?

About the last post: the group did end up coming to a decision, and half of the leaders (the ones who think that homosexuals shouldn't be in leadership) stepped down. The other half, including me, are the new leadership team and our group is now officially open and affirming to the LGBT community. We'll see how that goes.

The shitty part is that the whole process led to depression for me. It started as simple depression related to discrimination, but it didn't go away. So now I've been officially depressed for about 1.5 or 2 months. And it's probably the worst depression that I've ever had. It's terrible. Like, I've been depressed before, but nothing like this. I don't want to do ANYTHING. I don't care about school or work or life. I don't want to eat, which is new for me. I want to sleep all the time. Blaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

It's gotten to the point where I just can't wait anymore. I don't have time to be depressed, because I'm in grad school! I have shit to do! Plus I'm doing an internship at a hospital, so I can't be depressed. It's weird for me to assess patients for depression and suicidal ideation, when I'm experiencing the same things.

As a result, I went to a psychiatrist about a week ago, and she prescribed Wellbutrin. I started taking it 5 days ago, but nothing has happened so far. Because of the bad reaction that I had to Lexapro (back in 2010), she started me on 1/3 of the regular dose, to hopefully avoid any negative side effects or hypomania. So far, no side effects, which I appreciate. But it will take 2-6 weeks for the full effects to kick in. I think she will probably raise the dose when I see her in a week. We'll see how that goes... I'll try to keep you updated.

I have been trying to stay positive. I got a gym membership for Christmas, and I've been going 2-4 times per week. Supposedly, exercise helps depression. I'm not feeling it, but maybe it will come. I have been trying not to isolate myself from people, but that's hard. I have also been battling with urges to cut myself. So far, no cutting. And I have pretty high confidence in my abilities to resist. So that's good.

Other than that, nothing much is new. School sucks. I hate my classes. I hate most of my professors. The only thing that I like is my internship. But that's a little weird, since my job is to assess people for suicidal ideation and other mental illness, and I am currently experiencing a mental illness myself. Of course, my supervisor and coworkers don't know that I'm depressed. But it's still a bit weird for me. However, I do love it. I've seen so many interesting people and so many disorders already. I assessed a person with trichotillomania on Thursday! I never thought I'd see that disorder in real life. So interesting :)

Have a good week everyone <3>

So sick and tired.

I am so tired of all of this stuff. Can I please, dear God please, just be who I am and not be hated?

Let me start over. I am part of a Christian group at my grad school. In case you didn't know, I am a strong Christian and it is an extremely important part of my life. I am also gay. I like girls, and very occasionally boys. But since it is very rare that I will like a boy (as more than a friend), I find it easier to say that I'm gay. Plus people seem to hate bisexuals, but that's another story.

This Christian group that I'm part of, called JSJ, is currently embroiled in a discussion about its beliefs about homosexuality. We are semi-affiliated with an organization called Intervarsity, which does not allow homosexuals to be in leadership. But we are fully affiliated with our school, which is a school of social work, which does not allow its groups to discriminate against people because of their sexuality. Therefore, we are being forced to take a stance on homosexuality, and either affiliate with our school or with Intervarsity.

As the only homosexual member of the JSJ leadership team, this issue affects me personally. And I am freaking sick of it. Can't I just be who I am, and be a normal member of society, and not have to think about all of this? I hate it when controversy centers around me. This is horrible.

I can't really blame people for their beliefs. About two months ago, I believed that homosexuality was sinful as well, and I was trying to "repent of my sin." But I just couldn't do it, and I didn't think it was healthy or right for me. Obviously, I also have evidence from the Bible and other Christian theologians that suggests that I am not sinning by being gay. I don't take this decision lightly. So now I am trying to accept myself for who I am, but this is extremely difficult, since other people don't accept me. And NO, I am not going to stop being a Christian or believing in God, simply because some people aren't accepting of me. So don't even try that one on me. I just wanted to express my frustration with the whole thing, in this safe format.

So that's it. That's my main thing right now. I have also just started my second semester of grad school, which adds another layer of stress to my life.

Love you guys. Take care <3>

Foooood stuffs

Hello! I am sorry that it's been so long; grad school got crazy and there was very little sleeping, let alone blogging.  But I am finally on break, at my parents' house, and relaxing. And I figured it was time for an update.

About my last post, about social services: Everything got fixed! A few days after I posted my enraged post about the idiotic system, I got more mail from Social Services. The last one that I got explained everything. Basically, they have an electronic system that sends out mail automatically. When it doesn't receive the authorization that it needs, it sends you mail, even if it's not your fault. I finally got a letter approving me for $200 of benefits per month, which is awesome. After three months, they are going to check up on me and make sure that that is an appropriate amount. Thank goodness that's over!

So, I'm at my parents' house. I am making a conscious effort to call it 'my parents' house' instead of 'home', because it is not my home anymore. I live in Missouri, not Oregon. I will live there for two years, only coming to Oregon for Christmas and other random times. And I don't want my parents' house to be my house! I want to be independent, not strapped to them. Unfortunately, I am still relying on them for lots of funding and support, which kinda sucks. But soon, I will be able to have a real live job and make real live money that is alllll miiiiiine, muahahaha.

Speaking of my parents' house, it is always challenging to be here. Especially with food stuff. My mother is incredibly controlling about food, with herself and with others. I didn't notice that she controlled other people (well, besides me) until this week. Normally, I am so focused on how she is controlling toward my food intake, that I have failed to notice that she controls my dad too. For example, last night, we went to dinner at this nice Lebanese place, before going to see the Nutcracker. My dad ordered a Gyro sandwich, but then also ate a whole bunch of my food and my mom's food. (This was fine with me, because I had the stomach flu on Tuesday and wasn't feeling well enough to eat very much on Wednesday night at dinner, so he was welcome to my food). But my mom was piiiiissssed. She got all up in his face about it, and accused him of being selfish and eating all of her food and then his food. It was completely ridiculous. My dad is a hungry guy. He doesn't eat very good lunches sometimes, so by the time dinner comes, he is hungry. And he's a big guy, so he isn't going to eat the same amount as my mother, who is average sized. The amount of shaming that was happening was outrageous, but I couldn't say anything, because she would have gotten angry at me too. (Of course, I did numerous things to make her angry that night anyway, so whatever...). The whole thing made me realize a) how concerned my mother is about appearances, b) how concerned she is about food consumption, and c) how she needs to be in control at all times. I am amazing that she doesn't have a full-blown eating disorder. It's no wonder that I have eating issues...

I just can't wait to go back home, to Missouri. Please God, take me home! I want my friends and my own bed and my apartment and all of my stuff back. January can't come soon enough!

Here, have some pictures of my apartment :)

 This is my messy, messy bedroom ;)

 The other side of my bedroom with my dresser and cute shelves.

My kitchen!

My living room :)

I HATE SOCIAL SERVICES

I am so freaking fed up with the Social Services people here. Let me start at the beginning, and you can share in the immense frustration that I am feeling right now.

I applied for food stamps about a month and a half ago. For those of you who don't know, food stamps are government assistance to help you buy food. You apply for benefits, and if you qualify (i.e. you are poor enough and other random-ass qualifications are met), they give you free money for groceries. I applied and never heard back... until I got a random letter in the mail saying that I had missed my scheduled interview and was required to interview with them by November 9th or lose my eligibility. And I was like, "Um, I never scheduled an interview, so how could I have possibly missed it?" I called my case worker, but she was unreachable and I kept getting redirected to other phone lines. So I finally went down to the office, which was a pain in the butt and took three hours total. I interviewed with another woman (not my case worker), who took all of my income verification and other stuff, and told me that I would qualify. She asked me to mail my last few pay stubs to them, to verify that my income was steady. She wanted pay stubs from September and October. When I arrived home, I realized that I didn't have any pay stubs from September, because I was unemployed then. So I mailed the other pay stubs to my case worker, with a note saying that I didn't have any from September.

Then about a week ago, I got a letter with my brand new EBT (food stamps) card and my pin number, and found out that I had been approved for $140 per month of benefits. Yay! I was so excited! Grocery shopping has never been more fun!

But THEN I got this ridiculous letter in the mail from Social Services yesterday saying:
"Based on information reported to us, your food stamps benefits have been closed effective 11/30/12 because: requested verification was not provided."
What the fuck.
What fucking verification did you request?
I don't know what they want from me! I just want my freaking free money! And because the office is virtually unreachable by phone, I would have to go back down there again, to sort this all out. I don't have time for this! I don't have transportation! This is such bullshit.

I am annoyed in general, because this is a waste of my time, but I am also annoyed at the system. Think about this: what if I was not a student of social work, but a single mother working three jobs to stay afloat? Would I have time to go down to the social services office twice, missing almost a whole day of work, to get these food stamps benefits? I think not. This is so messed up; the people who these food stamps should be benefiting are unable to get them, because of how screwed up the system is! This is unbelievable.

GRR.

Update

Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated in forever! It has been crazy busy over here, and I just haven't had time. I barely have time to sleep, let alone blog.

Things are fine. I had my meeting with the school counselor lady, who is also my academic adviser. She was pretty much completely useless. I was hoping that she could help me get a sooner counseling appointment, but she couldn't even do that. The meeting was literally 5 minutes long, and she asked me maybe three questions (Are you safe? Do you have plans to see a counselor? Is there anything that I can do for you?). Dumbest meeting ever. Part of me is glad that she didn't pry, and part of me is pissed off. If this were my friend who was suicidal, I would want this lady to ask her more questions and actually be helpful. But since it's me who was suicidal, I am grateful that she didn't get up in my business. I wouldn't have told her anything anyway.

My professor and teaching assistant have been fine too. My professor is acting like she doesn't know, which is great, because I was worried that she would treat me differently. I talked to my TA about it yesterday, and he assured me that he didn't think of me differently. He has been treating me the same too, so that's been nice. As for my friends, I am still pissed at them. I will probably never trust them again. Actually I will probably never trust anyone ever again, but whatever. I am being civil to my friends and pretending that it didn't happen, and that's working for me right now.

I haven't been suicidal since I told my friends about it. That night, they actually came to my apartment with me and took away my pills (that I had bought specifically for killing myself). And not having access to my means of suicide anymore relieved a lot of the pressure. I think that having the pills there in my room was freaking me out, and it made it more real. I felt like I needed to continue with my plan, because I had that crucial piece figured out. And the more I continued with the plan, the scarier it got, and the closer I came to actually doing it. So having the pills gone is great, and I have felt normal since then.

Other than that, life chugs on. School is crazy busy and I am really excited for the semester to be over soon-ish. I seriously need a break.

Ya'll are awesome. Keep being cool :)

FUUUUUUCK

The same thing that happened two years ago has happened again. See this post for more info on that situation. Last night, I admitted to a few friends that I was suicidal and that it was getting a little serious. I trusted these people, although I shouldn't have, obviously. Today, I got a phone message from my school.

School counselor lady: Hi Beth, this is *****. Please call me ASAP when you get this.
Me: Oh FUCK.

I knew what was happening, even before I checked her message. I had this sinking feeling in my stomach that I was screwed and my friends had told someone and it was all over. So I call the lady back, and she basically told me that my friends had told our class's teaching assistant about my thoughts, and he had told the counselor lady. And she was "concerned" and "just wanted to make sure that I was safe." I couldn't meet with her, because I am attending a conference this weekend, but she made me promise to stop by her office on Monday. She assured me that this would not affect my enrollment status, and that the school just wanted to support me and help me. She had better be telling the truth... because I am not in the mood for games.

I am so fucking pissed. I can't believe that a) I trusted these girls, and b) that they told on me. I can't believe that I would ever trust anyone ever again, after what happened during undergrad. I am such an idiot. I am going to be freaking out until Monday. And now my favorite professor and teaching assistant know about my personal issues. And that SUCKS. I am so mad. UGGGGGGGGG!!!!! HATE.

Don't worry. I'm not suicidal anymore. I will live, sadly.

Stuff! :)

Things have been going okay since I last posted. I have managed to keep the cutting under control somewhat. I haven't done it in 8 days so far, which is good for me. I also saw that counselor at Student Health again, and he referred me to another school counselor. He said that I could try to see her for a while, and then decide if I want longer-term counseling. I haven't made an appointment with her yet, but I will soon.

The reason that I'm blogging today is because I have exciting news! Well, it's exciting for me. Do you all remember when I was interviewed by that researcher about pro-ana blogging in June 2011? Find the posts that mention it here and here. Anyway, she just published her research! And I'm in it!! I read her published article today, because I'm awesome and have access to journal articles through my university, and it was so cool! I could definitely tell which quotes in the article were said by me. I feel so famous! My name was changed, so no one would know that it was me, but it was still awesome! Let me know if you want to read the article; I have it saved on my computer and I can send it to you.

Oh hey, speaking of something completely different... I forgot to tell you guys something! I did a 3.5 day prayer fast about two weeks ago. I was participating in this prayer and fasting week that my church in Oregon was doing. So I didn't eat anything, and just drank water, for 3.5 days. And you know what? I didn't relapse! Since I was fasting for a healthy reason, I didn't have any body image issues during the fast. I didn't have any impulses to extend the fast and make it longer than originally planned, and I wasn't thinking about it in terms of weight loss. And once the fast was over, I was completely able to resume regular eating, no problem. Yay! I am so proud of myself, and thankful to God, for staying healthy throughout this whole thing. I knew that it could be dangerous for me, but I trusted Him and did it anyway. And I am so glad that I did :)

Well, I have SO MUCH HOMEWORK, so I'm going to do that. Love you all!

Life... is interesting...

I didn't make this, but it describes exactly how I feel...

Oh gosh you guys... I miss the days when school was easy and I had a life. I am officially seven weeks into the semester now, and it is HARD. Classes are starting to get crazier. The school atmosphere is interesting, at best. I'm am stressed as hell. Life is difficult.

So, the school atmosphere. I knew that social work school would be liberal, but I was hoping for acceptance too. Not the case. Social work students in general are pretty intolerant of Christianity. And if you mention religion in class, then you are attacked. Especially if you mention a conservative viewpoint, which I tend to do. So I'm just getting used to being on guard all the time. I feel like I'm always tensed and ready for the next attack on my beliefs. Fun times.

My classes are super hard and there is a TON of reading. I have a big assignment due for at least one class, every week, until the end of the semester. I can't wait for the end of the semester. I am just tired of being tired.

My mood has been up and down. I'm not depressed. I was homesick for a while, but not depressed. Now I am mostly just anxious and stressed. Which has led to... you guessed it: cutting. I have been cutting myself every few days (or every day) for a few weeks now. So that's not good. I am currently in the apathetic stage, in which I don't care about my body and what I'm doing to it. I'm moving into the 'fighting back' stage though, which is good, because then I'll start to fight my urges instead of giving into them.

I actually went to see a counselor at Student Health last week. I am training to be a social worker, so I'd like to fix my own issues first. I don't want my issues interfering with my work with clients. The counselor told me that he doesn't think that he can provide the level of care that I need. He basically said that I need long-term counseling, and that I'm not as "fixed" as I thought. I had somehow deluded myself into thinking that I was doing pretty well. And I am, considering all of thing things that I've been through. But I guess self-harm is alarming to other people. It just seems normal to me, honestly. When you have been hurting yourself for nine years (yes, that long... scary, right?), and the longest you've ever gone without hurting yourself is four months (and that was only one time), I guess it's natural to think that this is normal. But if I have a friend who is doing it... then of course I am concerned. Double standard, anyone?

So anyway, that was a slap in the face. I am considering seeing an outside counselor though. I do really want to fix my issues. I DO NOT want to still be cutting in two years, when I am done with my Master's and starting to get my license. NO NO NO. I will NOT be like this in two years!!! This is a promise. The only issue with seeing an outside counselor is that I have to tell my parents... because they will see in on insurance. Ugg. That will be a fun conversation.

So wish we luck with everything. I would really like to stop cutting. I would also like to be less stressed, but still get everything done. (Haha). I love you guys, okay? You are wonderful.

Glad to be alive :)

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week, and I'm pretty grateful to be alive. I'm sure you all remember fall 2010, when I was contemplating taking my life every day. I am so blessed to have the friends that I have... without my friends, I literally wouldn't be alive today. I don't remember the code names that I used for everyone... but thank you to MM, MF, DK, TW, SJ, IJ, AB, DD, KH, and many others that I'm forgetting. It is so amazing to be on the other side of depression and suicidality, and to be able to look back and be glad that I didn't follow through. There were so many times when I sat with a bottle of pills or a suicide note or a razor blade pressed to my wrist, just thinking about death and struggling with life. THANK YOU, GOD for saving me from myself!

And thank you, dear followers, for being here for me. Your comments and readership during that time and other times really helped me. It was wonderful to know that even when I didn't want to live, other people wanted me to live. A special shout-out to Peri, who has been my rock for years. Thank you for being ridiculously amazing! Thank you thank you thank you.

Learn more about NSPW here: http://www.suicidology.org/about-aas/nspw
And here: http://www.twloha.com/blog/join-twloha-for-national-suicide

Grad School, OMG

So sorry about the long delay between posts! I would say that I will post more often... but I'm afraid that it's not true. I am starting graduate school classes tomorrow, and I feel like I will be more busy and have less time for blogging than before. LAME SAUCE. I'm in a weird mood, sorry.

So grad school! I finished up my summer job about two weeks ago, THANK GOODNESS. I was going a little crazy with the children and my supervisor. He was not the most fun person to work with, let me tell you. I am so glad that it's over, and that I will probably not have to do that job ever again, YAY! And then last week, I moved to St. Louis, Missouri! It was a little crazy and I had to do a lot of stuff in a short period of time, but I made it. My apartment is AMAZING. It's really cute and way bigger than I expected and awesome! I love my room and all my new furniture. I officially own a couch, a smaller couch chair thing, a bed, and various drawers and shelves. I have been cooking for myself and have officially cooked spaghetti and beans and rice. And they both tasted good! Amazing, haha. Not having a car has been an adventure, but my school provides a free bus/metro pass, which I have been using TONS. I took the bus to school today and then to Walgreens to get more allergy medication. And yesterday I took the bus to the grocery store and to a pizza place that was a few miles away. It is suuuper hot and humid here, and I am grateful for the air conditioned bus and not having to walk tons.

So classes start tomorrow, and I have Research Methods and Social Welfare Policies and Services. Sounds exciting, right? I think Tuesdays will be the most boring days. But I am excited to start classes and get a taste of grad school (orientation doesn't count).

Food stuff... is going okay. I didn't bring my scale, which I kind of regret. I have no idea what weight I am at. I know that I have been eating much healthier since I got here, mostly because I have no access to junk food. Going to the grocery store is too difficult to do every time I want chocolate. And when I do go to the grocery store, I purposely avoid buying candy and sugary things. So far, so good. But I am worried for when I get stressed... that's usually when I binge or eat lots of sugar.

I will update more later. I am sooo tired today! I love you all. I am sorry for neglecting you :(

Blarggggggggg

This is Meg <3

Sorry for not posting for such a long time; I think time just gets away from me, and I forget how long it's been. Lots of things have happened in the last month and a half. But I will talk about the following: 1) my job, 2) my school stuff, and 3) my food stuff.

My job. I started working five weeks ago, and it feels like FOREVER. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. But sometimes, it is just extremely exhausting and I can get burnt out quickly. This is why I don't want to work with kids full-time or for my real job. I can't handle them except for in small doses, and 30 hours/week is waaay more than small doses. I only have four weeks left, but I really wish it were less than that. I will be really excited to stop working and start school.

School stuff. I leave for St. Louis on August 17th, and it can't come fast enough. I registered for classes a few weeks ago, which was so exciting! I am taking five classes, which is apparently average, but I think it will be quite challenging. They are: Human Behavior, Research Methods, Social Justice and Human Diversity, Social Welfare Policies and Services, and Social Work Practice with Individuals/Families/Groups. I have taken classes in human behavior and research methods before, so my hope is that I can breeze through those and focus on the other three. Changing the subject slightly, my housemate moved into our apartment a few weeks ago, and it looks amazing! It is sooo much bigger than I expected, and everything looks brand new. I can't wait to move in :)

Food stuff. Sucks. Still at my highest weight ever, higher than last month. Hate. Don't know what to do.

We interrupt this blog post to bring you some sad news. Remember Meg, my cat who was sick last month? We had to put her to sleep. She had some sort of cancer, and it was growing very rapidly, and she was suffering. There was no treatment available and no money for treatment anyway, so we had to do it. I am really sad that she's gone, and I miss her tons, but I'm glad that she is not suffering anymore. I petted her and held her as she died, and I hope she knows that I loved her.

I guess that's about it. I love you guys, and I will try to keep you more updated. <3
Now look at this video of my cat Ginny (Meg's sister).

Oh summer...

Ugg, you guys, my summer is not going the way I want it to so far. My room still isn't fully unpacked, even though I got home three weeks ago. Here is what it looked like last week:

And here is what it looks like now:

Better, but not great. There are still crazy piles of stuff everywhere, and this doesn't even show you the mess in the bathroom! So that's annoying, and it's freaking me out. As a clean person, it makes me anxious to have such a mess. But I just have NO motivation to clean it! I don't understand! It's like finishing college made me lose my motivation for anything.

Speaking of college, I am officially a college graduate! I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, departmental honors and summa cum laude :) It was really sad to leave all my friends behind, but I am glad to be moving forward with my life. I loved my school while I was there, but I needed to leave. Luckily, some of my friends live in Oregon or St. Louis, so I will see them again! Speaking of St. Louis, I leave for graduate school on August 17th! Orientation starts August 20th and classes start August 28th. I'm super pumped. I also have an apartment and a roommate! Her name is Chloe (not her real name, for privacy reasons) and she is 25. She will also be a 1st year student in the social work program. She has a deposit on a great apartment that is a 20 minute walk from campus, 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, washer and dryer in the unit. The price is decent, and my parents are helping, so we can make it work. I'm super excited to start my new life in St. Louis! 2.5 months, baby.

I haven't started my summer job yet, but I will be working at the science museum that I worked at last summer. I start June 18th, and I'm doing aftercare again. I will work 12-6 pm every day. I hope that this is the summer that I will finally prove that I am an adult, that I can control my emotions around the kids, and that I can make a good impression on my supervisors. Man, I am not cut out for working with kids...

Food and body image sucks. I can't seem to get my chocolate consumption under control. I'm still at my highest weight ever, and it sucks balls. I really dislike my body, and because of that, I have wanted to hurt myself for the first time since I stopped taking my meds. Not cool! Of course, it was a very small urge and I didn't act on it. I just really want to be healthier, but I'm having a hard time doing it. I'm tired of being fat and lazy, and I just want to be a normal person.

Finally, the last big thing happening in my life is that my cat is sick :( Her name is Meg, and she and her sister Ginny are my kitties. They grew up in my room, and I am their mommy. She started losing a lot of weight in the last few weeks, and I didn't notice right away, because I just figured that I was making it up. But my dad noticed this weekend, and we took her to the vet on Monday. A few years ago, she weighed 11 pounds, and now she weighs 8 pounds (or she did on Monday). We found out from the vet that she had a fever, she was really dehydrated, and her kidneys were swollen and lumpy. They took blood and urine samples, and found that she has a bladder infection. However, they don't think that this is the cause of her weight loss. They gave us some oral antibiotics, which made her throw up, so they had to give her an antibiotic shot. Tomorrow, if she is not significantly better, she may need an ultrasound to figure out what's wrong with her kidneys. I am taking her in first thing in the morning so they can assess her and give her IV fluids. I am super worried that she won't be much better, and my parents don't want to pay for the ultrasound. I don't want my kitty to die!! I am praying that she gets a lot better overnight and the antibiotic shot will fix her. She seems a little perkier already, and she ate food and drank water without throwing up tonight. I'll let you know what happens. Here are some cute pictures of her:

She is so cute! I love her so much <3

Last thing: my friend is doing okay (you know, from the last post). Of course, suicidality doesn't just go away, so I am still praying for her, and I encourage you to do the same. She is an amazing person, and I definitely want to see her live :)