Telling my mom

Thanks for all your kind comments about Thelma and Carly! I really appreciate that I'm not completely crazy and alone in thinking that Thelma would be much better without Carly :)

Did I tell you guys that I told my mom that I'm on meds? To give you some background, my mom doesn't like therapists and therapy, and she HATES psychiatric meds. So it's already really ironic that I'm a psych major and want to be a school counselor. You know what she said when I told her?

"What, did those people you're living with con you into taking meds??"

Ridiculous! Then she went on a long rant about how I don't need medication because I'm JUST FINE without it, until I finally stopped her and said, "Mom, can you just be quiet and let me talk for a minute? I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions about my mental health!"

I calmly explained to her that I have been really depressed, anxious, and having problems with my eating. She was freaking out and saying how sad she was for me and how she wished she could do something. Well let me take the freaking meds and get over it then! My mom is a firm believer in the "ignore-it-and-pretend-it-doesn't-exist-and-maybe-it-will-go-away" method. It seems to work just fine for her, but it doesn't work for me anymore. Stuff doesn't just go away. That's how I ended up with chronic Achilles tendinitis instead of temporary Achilles tendinitis.

Anyhoo, my eating is going alright, but I'm eating a lot of junk unfortunately. I'm trying to not freak out about it, although it's hard sometimes. Today I ate Taco Bell for lunch, a Pay Day candy bar for snack, and pizza for dinner. Hmm, see a pattern here? I hope this pattern doesn't continue :( I haven't been counting calories though, and I haven't weighed myself... since Monday, lol. I weighed myself Monday, and I was 185 pounds. I guess that's alright. I'm not overjoyed about it, but I'm not miserable either. It's only a 10 pound gain from 175 (my cryptonite weight), so it's fine I suppose. Blarg. Recovery sucks ass sometimes, let me tell you. If I gain any more (over 190 pounds) I will definitely freak.

I love you ladies. Stay strong <3

Crazy parents

My boyfriend's parents are driving me NUTS! Let me just clarify something before I rant: my boyfriend has four moms. I live with one pair (let's call them Thelma and Carly) and I visit the other pair about once a week (let's call them Patty and Gabi). Thelma and Carly are the ones I live with, and they are starting to get on my nerves. Specifically, Carly is getting on my nerves. She and Thelma own the counseling business that I work for together. Carly is the owner and Thelma is the clinical director. I'm already in an awkward position because I work for them, but I hear things that others don't because I live with them. So when I'm having a personal issue with one of them, I can't say anything to anyone at work because that would be inappropriate.

Anyway, Carly sits on her ass all day while Thelma does all the work. For example, all Carly has done today is take my bf shopping and mess around with her computer. She rarely ever goes to work. Thelma has dealt with countless clients, and is still at work even though it's 7 pm. She'll probably still be there at 8 pm, and then she'll get to come home if she's lucky. Thelma has battled through a divorce, a mentally disabled child, and breast cancer, among other things. She is one of the strongest people I know. After Thelma gets home from work, most nights she still has to cook dinner and clean up the house, because Carly can't be bothered.

Carly sits on her ass all day long, and complains about how much she hurts. She has severe Restless Legs Syndrome and some sort of neurological disorder, but the doctors can't figure out what's wrong. Her body hurts many days, but some days it doesn't. She is constantly complaining about it, and when she does feel good, she'll go and overexert herself and then feel even worse the next day. She never does anything that Thelma asks her to do, even simple things like unloading the dishwasher! Thelma does EVERYTHING. On top of that, she treats Thelma like shit, and treats Thelma's daughter like she's not part of the family. Thelma has told me on numerous occasions that she wants to leave Carly.

The point of this long background story is that Carly is driving me nuts. On top of being lazy, she's also annoying. Her personality is grating, and if I'm in any sort of bad mood, she'll drive me up the wall. On Friday, I accidentally read a text from her to my boyfriend, saying that I was in hot water at work with my boss and that I was getting cocky and bossy. Of course, I know that's not true. And just to be sure, I asked my boss at work today if there is anything I need to work on, and she couldn't think of ANYTHING. So obviously she's lying, trying to turn my bf against me. Seriously lady, if you have a problem with me, say it to ME, not my boyfriend!! God...

I am so glad I'm going back to school in less than two weeks. I only have this week with Thelma and Carly, and then my boyfriend and I will go to live with Patty and Gabi on Saturday this week, until we leave for school. Only four more days with Carly!! I will miss Thelma though. She and I have become close, and we're a lot alike.

Well, I congratulate you if you got through all that!! It was long and possibly boring :) I love you guys, you know that. Stay strong <3

Adult?

I used to go to Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA) meetings when I was in high school. Portland, OR used to have a great meeting, started by a good friend of mine, and I went every week. Unfortunately, the meeting had irregular attendance and it dissolved around Christmas last year :( Anyway, the reason I'm telling you all this is because in EDA, there is a saying that I really like.

Be an adult. This takes training and practice. Get some.

I love that! It's completely true. When you turn 18, you are legally an adult. But I think it's very rare that 18 year-olds actually act like adults. I mean, think about it: most 18 year-olds are in college, partying their asses off and acting like idiots. Even those college students who don't party will still be making some irresponsible decisions. According to a study done by the National Institutes of Health, the region of the brain that inhibits risky behavior is not fully formed until age 25. So 18 year-olds are definitely not adequately equipped to be making responsible decisions!

What this means is that people our age (I'm assuming that most of you are near age 18, or older) have to practice being adults, because it obviously doesn't come naturally. And yet, we are expected to act like adults when we turn 18, whether we are ready or not. So what can you do to practice being an adult? Here are a few suggestions:

1) Use appropriate language and tone when having conversations. Don't let your emotions get the best of you, and stay calm in sticky situations. Be polite under every circumstance.
2) Always be thinking about how people would interpret your actions, and act accordingly. Act like the person you want to be perceived as.
3) Learn how to communicate. This may seem obvious, but lack of communication is the biggest problem in most relationships.
4) Know when to be serious and when to be silly. There is a time for work and a time for play.
5) Be open and honest about your faults and shortcomings. People will respect you more if you own up to your mistakes.
6) Go after what you want. Be assertive, but not aggressive or arrogant.

I want to mention that just because I am talking about acting like an adult, doesn't mean that I always do it. I'm not an expert. Just like eating disorder recovery, becoming an adult is a process. I celebrate progress, not perfection (in both recovery and adulthood). I hope you all will practice being adults, because practice makes progress.

You know I love you all <3 Stay strong, my little adults!

Date night

I went on a great date with my boyfriend tonight :) We went to Noodles and Company for dinner, then to a movie (Inception, which I've already seen but he wanted to see it so I went with him), and then we got Ben&Jerry's ice cream and chatted. It was fantastic :) All during the movie, we kissed periodically and whispered in each other ears. He is such a sweetheart. I'm so glad I have him! I don't think I could have found a better guy.

I also went shopping today with my bf's mom. We went to Lane Bryant, which I barely fit into anymore because I've lost so much weight. For those of you who don't know, Lane Bryant is a plus-size clothing store. Most of my shirts are from there, and I LOVE it. Their clothes are so cute, and they were the first clothes that actually fit me and looked good after I gained weight in high school. They can be a little pricey, but it's totally worth it because the clothes last forever. The only problem now is that their smallest size is 14/16, and I'm probably a 12 now, so stuff is a little bit sometimes. Anyway, I got four shirts from there. I also went to to Old Navy and got some cute dark-wash jeans. It's amazing when I can go shopping and find exactly what I want, fast! How does that happen??

I don't want to make it seem like my life is all roses and teacups, because it's definitely NOT. My boyfriend's parents are talking about splitting up, and I can't tell my boyfriend about it because he'll get really upset. And his parents keep telling me all about it... it's lots of fun (insert sarcasm here).

Also, I'm super broke. I have a bunch of money in my bank account, but I'm supposed to be saving it for the school year and study abroad. I'm really worried that I won't have enough money to actually have fun while I'm in Australia. I mean, what's the fun in studying abroad if you don't have enough money to buy food or do any touristy things? I hope it all works out...

Ok guys, I'm going to have lots of hot sex with my boyfriend now ;) Stay strong girlies <3

SEX

I love it. Seriously, I didn't realize how much I missed it until I was with my boyfriend again. Let me just say, I have bite marks all over my upper back, and two hickeys on the right side of my neck ;D
BEST SEX EVER.

So basically all I did today was eat, sleep, and have sex. I'm about to have dinner with my bf's parents, his stepsister, and her son. It's a dinner for one of his mom's birthdays (which was actually on Wednesday, but she wanted to wait to celebrate until he got home). We're having yummy vegetable stir fry, and a Dairy Queen cake. I've only eaten two donuts and a little bit of Fiber One cereal today, so I'm super hungry. I didn't not eat on purpose, but I took a nap between noon and 4 pm, and by then it was too late to eat anything! Oopsies...

I hope you all are having a great day!! Thank you for all your wonderful comments. Love you to bits <3 Stay strong!

P.S. Peri, I totally gave him and high five from you, and he laughed :) It was great!

My boyfriend is coming home!!

My bf is coming home tonight, probably around 9 pm, and I am soooo excited! He sent me this really cute text today that said, "I can wait to see you... naked!" Lol. I can't wait to see him naked either ;) I am seriously deprived. And now that I'm not really depressed anymore (because of the meds and because I'm eating again), I actually have a sex drive! It's great.

I have been doing alright, foodwise, but I've been eating a whole bunch of crap. Like yesterday I ate four cupcakes. Really?? But the good news about that is that I don't really care all that much. I ate the cupcakes and didn't feel guilty about it. Normally I would be beating myself up like crazy over something like that, so this is good news! Also, I mentioned that I ate four cupcakes to my coworker, and she was all like "Oh, you should have had something healthier instead," and I totally didn't mind or care that she knew that I ate so many cupcakes. Normally I would NEVER tell anyone what I ate, and I would be humiliated if they knew. But I didn't really care. It's great!! I don't have the same amount of social anxiety that I used to, and it's fabulous.

So I only have two weeks until I go back to school! Two weeks from tomorrow will be my last day of work. Thank goodness! I love the people I work with, but sometimes the job is just horrible. Not always, but sometimes. However, I got this great phone call today from this lady who wanted therapy who told me that I would make a great therapist someday :) That was good. Today actually went pretty well, compared to the rest of the week. I barely had anything to do, so I actually got to sit around and chat for a bit. I also went to lunch at Panera Bread with my coworkers, which was a lot of fun.

Well, that's about it. Ya'll are great :) Stay strong lovies <3

Average

The last few days have been alright. Well, at least on average. Yesterday was great and today sucked, so it averages out to alright. Yesterday I worked thirteen hours, which seems like it would have sucked, but I was in such a good mood that I didn't really care. My autism session was a little rough, because my client didn't want to do anything. And I was starving by the time I got home, but I was happy so it was alright :)

Today was horrible. This morning at 1 am, my boyfriend's mom burst into my room and asked to borrow my car (which isn't really mine, it's my boyfriend's other parent's car) because her grown-up daughter was sick and needed to go to the ER. The first thing I asked was, "Why can't you take your partner's car?" The cryptic answer to that was something about the partner needing to go to Sam's in the morning so she didn't want to lend the car out. WHAT? So I said yes, immediately regretting it. It's not my car, and she's a horrible driver, and it was the middle of the night. Plus, do I really want a sick person in my backseat, potentially puking or something?? Then I found out (after my bf's mom left with my car) that her partner doesn't want to lend her the car because she doesn't like that my bf's mom supports her daughter (who is grown and has a four year old son, but is developmentally disabled and bipolar). SO now I'm stuck in the middle of this fight between them, which will likely end in one of them leaving... fabulous.

I only got about four hours of sleep because of this fiasco, so I was exhausted this morning. Then I got to work, and a series of events occurred:
1) I had a confrontation with the psychiatric clinic coordinator, in which I yelled at her and thought I might lose my job (although I didn't, my boss backed me up).
2) My boyfriend's mom told me that the Google calendar system that I put into place might have to be pulled or completely changed, because she didn't think it through before she let me put it into place the first time. Fuck my life.
3) I kept getting dragged into the whole fight between my boyfriend's parents during the whole day, which doesn't sound like much, but I work for them and live with them, AND I can't say anything about their fight to my friends at the office because they work for my bf's parents too, so it would be inappropriate.

Plus I just got hassled by clients and generally hated my day. Death.
But the good news is, I know I can have bad days too! I was a little worried when I started the Lexapro that I wouldn't be able to have bad days, only good days, and that's not how life works. But now I know :) There's still me here, underneath all the happiness and energy!

Well, everyone have a great evening! I love you all :) Stay strong <3

I have so much freaking energy...

Today was good too! No binge :) I went to Sam's Club with my bf's mom and got a lot of healthy food. We got bananas, strawberries, grapes, pineapple, watermelon, sugar snap peas, granola, yogurt, and granola bars. It's good when I'm excited about the food I get to eat! I'm actually looking forward to lunch tomorrow because it looks so tasty. Here is what I ate today:

- Breakfast: Yogurt and 2 pieces of toast
- Lunch: Granola with skim milk and a granola bar
- Snack: Banana
- Dinner: Spaghetti with marinara sauce

I started to count calories this morning, but I stopped myself. It's really tempting though... I also really wanted to weigh myself before I showered, but I didn't. I miss counting calories... it's very comforting, and I need that.

I'm hoping the Lexapro kicks in soon. I had a freak-out this morning over my hair. I was going to church with my bf's mom for the first time, and I wanted to look nice. And of course, I decided that this morning would be a great time to cut my bangs, and they turned out funny. I cut off the tail on the end, and they turned out more straight across than sweeping to the side... it just looks off. So I had to put them up, and they need to grow out a bit before I can try to fix them. Ugg!! I'm hoping that once the meds kick in, I will get less anxious about things like that. I shouldn't get so anxious about meeting new people.

I have so much freaking energy today, it's not even funny. I've gotten so much done! Wow. If this is the Lexapro, jeez! I can't stop moving. I might just be insane, who know ;)

My boyfriend comes home on Thursday night!! I'm super excited. My period should be over by then (I hate being a woman sometimes, don't you?), so we can have some nice sexy time :) Yay yay yay!

I hope your weekends were lovely. Thanks again for all your support :) Stay strong <3