Glad to be alive :)

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week, and I'm pretty grateful to be alive. I'm sure you all remember fall 2010, when I was contemplating taking my life every day. I am so blessed to have the friends that I have... without my friends, I literally wouldn't be alive today. I don't remember the code names that I used for everyone... but thank you to MM, MF, DK, TW, SJ, IJ, AB, DD, KH, and many others that I'm forgetting. It is so amazing to be on the other side of depression and suicidality, and to be able to look back and be glad that I didn't follow through. There were so many times when I sat with a bottle of pills or a suicide note or a razor blade pressed to my wrist, just thinking about death and struggling with life. THANK YOU, GOD for saving me from myself!

And thank you, dear followers, for being here for me. Your comments and readership during that time and other times really helped me. It was wonderful to know that even when I didn't want to live, other people wanted me to live. A special shout-out to Peri, who has been my rock for years. Thank you for being ridiculously amazing! Thank you thank you thank you.

Learn more about NSPW here: http://www.suicidology.org/about-aas/nspw
And here: http://www.twloha.com/blog/join-twloha-for-national-suicide

Grad School, OMG

So sorry about the long delay between posts! I would say that I will post more often... but I'm afraid that it's not true. I am starting graduate school classes tomorrow, and I feel like I will be more busy and have less time for blogging than before. LAME SAUCE. I'm in a weird mood, sorry.

So grad school! I finished up my summer job about two weeks ago, THANK GOODNESS. I was going a little crazy with the children and my supervisor. He was not the most fun person to work with, let me tell you. I am so glad that it's over, and that I will probably not have to do that job ever again, YAY! And then last week, I moved to St. Louis, Missouri! It was a little crazy and I had to do a lot of stuff in a short period of time, but I made it. My apartment is AMAZING. It's really cute and way bigger than I expected and awesome! I love my room and all my new furniture. I officially own a couch, a smaller couch chair thing, a bed, and various drawers and shelves. I have been cooking for myself and have officially cooked spaghetti and beans and rice. And they both tasted good! Amazing, haha. Not having a car has been an adventure, but my school provides a free bus/metro pass, which I have been using TONS. I took the bus to school today and then to Walgreens to get more allergy medication. And yesterday I took the bus to the grocery store and to a pizza place that was a few miles away. It is suuuper hot and humid here, and I am grateful for the air conditioned bus and not having to walk tons.

So classes start tomorrow, and I have Research Methods and Social Welfare Policies and Services. Sounds exciting, right? I think Tuesdays will be the most boring days. But I am excited to start classes and get a taste of grad school (orientation doesn't count).

Food stuff... is going okay. I didn't bring my scale, which I kind of regret. I have no idea what weight I am at. I know that I have been eating much healthier since I got here, mostly because I have no access to junk food. Going to the grocery store is too difficult to do every time I want chocolate. And when I do go to the grocery store, I purposely avoid buying candy and sugary things. So far, so good. But I am worried for when I get stressed... that's usually when I binge or eat lots of sugar.

I will update more later. I am sooo tired today! I love you all. I am sorry for neglecting you :(

Blarggggggggg

This is Meg <3

Sorry for not posting for such a long time; I think time just gets away from me, and I forget how long it's been. Lots of things have happened in the last month and a half. But I will talk about the following: 1) my job, 2) my school stuff, and 3) my food stuff.

My job. I started working five weeks ago, and it feels like FOREVER. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. But sometimes, it is just extremely exhausting and I can get burnt out quickly. This is why I don't want to work with kids full-time or for my real job. I can't handle them except for in small doses, and 30 hours/week is waaay more than small doses. I only have four weeks left, but I really wish it were less than that. I will be really excited to stop working and start school.

School stuff. I leave for St. Louis on August 17th, and it can't come fast enough. I registered for classes a few weeks ago, which was so exciting! I am taking five classes, which is apparently average, but I think it will be quite challenging. They are: Human Behavior, Research Methods, Social Justice and Human Diversity, Social Welfare Policies and Services, and Social Work Practice with Individuals/Families/Groups. I have taken classes in human behavior and research methods before, so my hope is that I can breeze through those and focus on the other three. Changing the subject slightly, my housemate moved into our apartment a few weeks ago, and it looks amazing! It is sooo much bigger than I expected, and everything looks brand new. I can't wait to move in :)

Food stuff. Sucks. Still at my highest weight ever, higher than last month. Hate. Don't know what to do.

We interrupt this blog post to bring you some sad news. Remember Meg, my cat who was sick last month? We had to put her to sleep. She had some sort of cancer, and it was growing very rapidly, and she was suffering. There was no treatment available and no money for treatment anyway, so we had to do it. I am really sad that she's gone, and I miss her tons, but I'm glad that she is not suffering anymore. I petted her and held her as she died, and I hope she knows that I loved her.

I guess that's about it. I love you guys, and I will try to keep you more updated. <3
Now look at this video of my cat Ginny (Meg's sister).

Oh summer...

Ugg, you guys, my summer is not going the way I want it to so far. My room still isn't fully unpacked, even though I got home three weeks ago. Here is what it looked like last week:

And here is what it looks like now:

Better, but not great. There are still crazy piles of stuff everywhere, and this doesn't even show you the mess in the bathroom! So that's annoying, and it's freaking me out. As a clean person, it makes me anxious to have such a mess. But I just have NO motivation to clean it! I don't understand! It's like finishing college made me lose my motivation for anything.

Speaking of college, I am officially a college graduate! I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology, departmental honors and summa cum laude :) It was really sad to leave all my friends behind, but I am glad to be moving forward with my life. I loved my school while I was there, but I needed to leave. Luckily, some of my friends live in Oregon or St. Louis, so I will see them again! Speaking of St. Louis, I leave for graduate school on August 17th! Orientation starts August 20th and classes start August 28th. I'm super pumped. I also have an apartment and a roommate! Her name is Chloe (not her real name, for privacy reasons) and she is 25. She will also be a 1st year student in the social work program. She has a deposit on a great apartment that is a 20 minute walk from campus, 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, washer and dryer in the unit. The price is decent, and my parents are helping, so we can make it work. I'm super excited to start my new life in St. Louis! 2.5 months, baby.

I haven't started my summer job yet, but I will be working at the science museum that I worked at last summer. I start June 18th, and I'm doing aftercare again. I will work 12-6 pm every day. I hope that this is the summer that I will finally prove that I am an adult, that I can control my emotions around the kids, and that I can make a good impression on my supervisors. Man, I am not cut out for working with kids...

Food and body image sucks. I can't seem to get my chocolate consumption under control. I'm still at my highest weight ever, and it sucks balls. I really dislike my body, and because of that, I have wanted to hurt myself for the first time since I stopped taking my meds. Not cool! Of course, it was a very small urge and I didn't act on it. I just really want to be healthier, but I'm having a hard time doing it. I'm tired of being fat and lazy, and I just want to be a normal person.

Finally, the last big thing happening in my life is that my cat is sick :( Her name is Meg, and she and her sister Ginny are my kitties. They grew up in my room, and I am their mommy. She started losing a lot of weight in the last few weeks, and I didn't notice right away, because I just figured that I was making it up. But my dad noticed this weekend, and we took her to the vet on Monday. A few years ago, she weighed 11 pounds, and now she weighs 8 pounds (or she did on Monday). We found out from the vet that she had a fever, she was really dehydrated, and her kidneys were swollen and lumpy. They took blood and urine samples, and found that she has a bladder infection. However, they don't think that this is the cause of her weight loss. They gave us some oral antibiotics, which made her throw up, so they had to give her an antibiotic shot. Tomorrow, if she is not significantly better, she may need an ultrasound to figure out what's wrong with her kidneys. I am taking her in first thing in the morning so they can assess her and give her IV fluids. I am super worried that she won't be much better, and my parents don't want to pay for the ultrasound. I don't want my kitty to die!! I am praying that she gets a lot better overnight and the antibiotic shot will fix her. She seems a little perkier already, and she ate food and drank water without throwing up tonight. I'll let you know what happens. Here are some cute pictures of her:

She is so cute! I love her so much <3

Last thing: my friend is doing okay (you know, from the last post). Of course, suicidality doesn't just go away, so I am still praying for her, and I encourage you to do the same. She is an amazing person, and I definitely want to see her live :)

S.O.S. HELP

I want to write an update post (sorry for not posting very often, I suck), but I'm too upset right now. I have an online friend who is suicidal... sorry friend, you are probably reading this and I don't want to upset you more. I'm just really worried about her, and I can't stop thinking about it. I really care for her, and it's killing me that I can't do anything. Especially since she lives on the other side of the world, and there is no possible way of getting in contact with her! She could be dead, and I would never find out. This is the worst feeling ever. I need help, guys. I have no idea what to do. I just really care about her and don't want to see anything bad happen to her. Please help.

CRAZINESS update :)

I am SO SORRY I haven't posted in forever. For a while, I honestly forgot about this blog. My life has been a little hectic the last month or so, and I just totally flaked. One reason I haven't blogged is because I have been sans laptop and living off the computers in the psychology lounge at school. I sent in my laptop to Toshiba to fix the webcam, it came back with a cracked screen, I filed a complaint and sent it back, it came back cracked again, and I FINALLY got it back in one piece today. 1.5 months later. Geez.

Let me try to gather my thoughts. Here is a general synopsis of everything that has been happening:

1. My diet died, haha. I knew I couldn't keep it up, especially when I realized that I was getting a little obsessive. I started seeing things in terms of "good days" and "bad days" and "good foods" and "bad foods," and I knew it was time to stop. I have been eating pretty unhealthily since, but whatever. I'm not super bothered by it, as long as I stop eating so freaking much by graduation.
2. Eating stuff is okay, although I have been doing a lot of emotional/boredom/stress eating recently. Stupid girl hormones.
3. I'M GRADUATING IN 9 DAYS! OH MY GOSH! It's crazy. I finished classes on Wednesday, and my only final exam is on Tuesday (the 8th). And then I graduate on Sunday, May 13th. It is soooo weird to be almost done with my undergraduate career, but it feels good. I'm super ready to leave this place.
4. I picked a graduate school! In the fall, I will officially be going to the Brown School of Social Work at Washington University in St. Louis! It's super expensive and I'm going to have crazy student loans (and so will my parents), but it will be worth it. Top program in the US, baby! I officially decided about a week ago, after I visited the school for a weekend. It was AMAZING and I'm so incredibly excited to be there in the fall. Orientation is the week of August 20th!
5. I am almost done with my thesis! All it needs are final edits, and then I'm finished. My adviser already graded it (without my permission, I might add) and I got an A! And I think I'm graduating with departmental honors! Yay!
6. I am happy. Like actually happy. No medication, no therapy. Happy! I know this is going to sound crazy, but it's God. Once I stopped freaking out, pitying myself, and using man-made techniques, and I started trusting Him with my depression, things got a thousand times better. I haven't felt depressed in almost two months, which is NUTS. This hasn't happened since I was 12! I'm amazing and truly blessed.
7. I have a summer job! I am (almost) officially working at the science museum that I work at every summer. Glad to have a job, but wishing I was in graduate school NOW instead of in August.
8. This semester has been a time of crazy spiritual growth, and I have become a lot closer to God recently. This has led to some surprising changes in my views, personally, religiously, and politically. But I am honestly okay with it all. I am at complete peace with my life and I'm ready for whatever God throws at me next. I live to do His will and build His kingdom! :)

Well, that's about it. I hope I haven't left anything out! There is so much to tell about the last month and a half, and there just isn't space. I love you all <3

Diet Update

This is Mocha; he's my kitty :)

Oh hay! It's been far too long. I have been busy and I honestly forgot about this blog. That seems to happen to me a lot. Things have been pretty great. It seems that there is no end to the amount of procrastination that I can accomplish. I haven't touched my thesis since spring break, and I want to have a draft done by Sunday... we'll see how that goes. I'm sure it's going to be fine; I just find myself with a serious lack of motivation and a paralyzing fear when it comes to writing my thesis.

My diet is going well. I had a friend confront me a little bit about it, because I don't have the best track record with dieting (hint: eating disorder relapse every time). And she's right; in my last post, I did sound a little more disordered than I meant to. But I feel like I have things under control, and I know what to do if things get out of control. I have to admit that I was counting calories for a few days. I mean, really, it's hard not to. But I've stopped. And I'm not obsessed with it or anything. I have definitely had some slip-ups, in terms of not following the "rules" of the diet. But I am not upset about them. I am really trying to look at this as more of a lifestyle change than anything else. Normal, healthy people don't eat dessert with every meal, plus candy in between. Normal, healthy people don't lose control and binge on a weekly basis. I want to be a normal, healthy person. And I think that starts with realizing that my eating isn't healthy. The changes that I've made to my diet have been legitimately healthy changes: less fried food, no sugar (like candy and such), no snacking unless actually hungry, less alcohol consumption. And I think I'm doing okay with everything. I haven't had the urge to starve myself, or to binge and purge. I'm not doing anything unhealthy with the food that I'm eating. And I haven't been getting obsessive about my exercise. I was going to exercise every day, but that is unrealistic, I realized. And I accidentally injured myself this week, so I have had to take time off. And that's okay with me, because I care more about my health than my exercise regime. So on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is completely relapsed and 10 is completely healthy, I would say I'm at around a 7. And that's pretty good for me.

In terms of my graduate school decision... I am no closer to deciding where to attend than I was two weeks ago. Both schools that I'm looking at have their pluses and minuses, and I just don't know yet which one has more pluses. I'll keep you posted.

Weeeelll, that's about it, I guess. Everyone have a great weekend! <3

Goals!

I have decided that I want to end my senior year of college on a healthy note. So I'm starting a healthy diet and exercise plan today. My friend and I are doing it together. Basically, we aren't eating sugar (like desserts and candy, which I shouldn't eat anyway because I gave up dessert for Lent) or fried food (like french fries), and trying to eat healthy stuff besides that. But nothing too crazy or restrictive, and NO COUNTING CALORIES. I have to admit, I am super tempted to count. But I'm not going to do it! I do NOT need a relapse right now. Or ever. I am super determined to stay in recovery.

As for the exercise, I am going to try to work out every day for 30 minutes. Maybe not Sunday. But again, I'm not going to stress out if I miss a day or can't do the full 30 minutes. I'm also going to make an effort to pace myself, so I don't injure myself or get crazy. I got a little obsessed with over-exercising during my last big relapse (March 2010), and I don't need that happening now either. I need to be healthy for grad school!

I have to admit though: I do want to lose weight. This isn't just for being healthy. I mean, I want to lose weight to be healthy. But I do want to lose weight. I want to lose 10 or 15 pounds before my sorority's formal on April 28th. It would be great if I could look hot in my dress! But either way, feeling healthier is the ultimate goal. And I'm not going to weigh myself all the time, I swear.

Sooo.... Peri gave me the idea to set some goals for this month! I like goals; they keep me motivated. So here they are:

1. Stop eating candy/desserts, unless absolutely necessary (like in dire emotional situations, like a failed exam, lol). 
2. Work out at least 3 times per week, but preferably every day.
3. Stop drinking so much! Only drink (alcohol) once this month max, and don't get too crazy. 
4. Finish a draft of my thesis by March 25th.
5. Figure out which graduate school I am going to (but if this goal doesn't happen, it is not the end of the world, since I don't have to tell WashU until May 1st). 

That's it! I will update ya'll and tell you how everything is going. 

Have a great week!

<3